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| Parents of Teens |
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| I had a talk with my daughter tonight and she's pushing me away saying she needs more space and that she wants to have more freedom. I tried to break the negotiations into manageable expectations, but she was crying and saying things like she couldn't breathe unless we gave her more freedom. I'm having a hard time not being depressed about this. I think we're reasonable in our "rules" for her, but she wants more. I can't handle more. She's with one or 2 girls at school who are acting out and she's copying them. I think she's smarter and could exhibit better behavior but she's in this following mode. She takes it out on me. I am having a hard time bearing it. I need advice. |
| Posted by karen on 01/07/2008 10:26 PM
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It's kind of hard to imagine exactly what you are dealing with since we are not there for the specifics, so please excuse any of us if we say something that doesn't apply. That being said:
How old is she? big difference between 14 and 18
What exactly does she want? later time out? more outings?
Sometimes redirecting their time works out very well- find somewhere for her to volunteer two days a week or more if needed. Just from the sound of it she is going through the stage where all she is thinking about is herself so you will need to expand her horizons. Hospital, soup kitchen, church groups(contact others if you need too),
No child will rise to the occasion unless you show them other higher expectations. If all of their world consists of ids their age, they won't mentally mature any faster than the others.
"Taking it on you" either by being snotty or talking back or whatever is unexceptable and for that she earns nothing.
Here's another idea- for one week secretly write down everything she does, phone time, computer time activities, expenses everything. Then at he end of the week show her and ask why she thinks she deserves more? What does she do for the rest of the household, family treatment ect. This could be an eye opener for all involved. But you can't tell her until its over because the behaviour would not be a 'real week' if you know what I mean.
This also works when trying to determine how much someone actually spends time with another.
Hope this helps or now. |
| posted by Tina on 01/08/2008 07:42 AM
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This is probably more than you want or need, but sometimes I get on a role and can't stop!
If your rules are reasonable, then stick by them. All teens crave more freedom, especially if they hang out with other teens who have, or talk about, more freedom than your teen has.
Granting freedom to teens should come from a basis of trust. You could set up a little additional freedom, and base the granting of more freedom later on that. I don't know your rules and situations, so I'll use one of mine.
Our rule: We live in the country near a small town. The rule is that you go to town for a specific reason, not to just hang out. If we were being pushed to extend more freedom in this area, we might drop our son and his friend off for an hour at a time with specific expectations for behavior. I might come early unannounced one or two times to see what they are doing (yes, the town IS that small). After several successful trips, I might extend the time. Blowing it by loitering, acting up, or not meeting me as expected at the end of the hour, would return to the previous level: you don't go into town unless you have something to do (shop, watch movie, go to church, etc).
Teens are programmed to test the limits of the rules and the parents' patience. I don't think her pressure on you is anything out of the ordinary. It's part of growing up and learning how to police your own actions.
My concern with your daughter might be that she would use your decision not to grant more freedom at this time as an "excuse" to act out. I've always made it very clear to my kids that regardless of what I say or do, they are totally responsible for their decisions and can really mess things up by trying to use me (or anything else) as an excuse for bad behavior - and I've had to act on that before.
I understand it's hard to know if you are making the right decision or handling something appropriately when your teen is genuinely upset. But, as an adult with several years under your belt, you do still have the more realistic view on things and, all things considered, you will be right most of the time. Empathizing with your teen ("I'm upset, too, that I can't let you do everything you want"), reminding her you are her parent, not her friend ("Parenting is an important job, and I have to do what's right for you, even if it makes you unhappy"), and putting off conversations when emotions are high are some things that have helped me. |
| posted by Kelly on 01/08/2008 08:04 AM
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| Tina you are so smart.Are you like a psychologist?I love the idea about (more time) at a hospital or etc.Maybe Karen, you could call a center for girls that got in trouble w drugs or boys and let her volunteer there also.Pregnancy centers are a good place to visit.I am a very strict person when it comes to my girls.I suggest calling these parents and having a down to earth talk w them,get to know them,ask about their rules and see what they are saying to their kids.Do it in front of her,while you call each parent and have a talk w them,so that your daughter cant say"your making that up".Girls are very manipulative.Well Sandras mom lets her stay out til 12.Sandras mom, if you ask her either works and doesnt know it, or Sandra sneaks out til 12.Id tell your daughter,okay.But I am going to get to know your friends inside my house 2 r 3 xs a week and Im gonna hook up w their parents.Tell your friends to come and hang here.Ill get treats and so on.Let her have an overnight w them.You will definately get to see how they act then.I would bet the girls shes hanging with ,have boyfriends and there is a boy that likes her.When a female of any age wants more freedom or has unaccounted time lost, its always due to a boyfriend.I have to admit to yall that I was a wild child when younger.We are going to have a friendly dinner.Believe me your daughter will freak.You of course wont have to go through w/ it.And hey, if you do then maybe its time to start giving her a lil more rope after you scope it all out for a few weeks.Just a lil.lol Bet that will put a damper in the I want more time out theory. |
| posted by Lexi on 01/08/2008 10:51 AM
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Karen, I have a 15 year old son. I too felt like you sometimes. It was hard, in which, he always targeted me-I was his "scapegoat". My teenager was also acting up, and he too was behaving the way his other friends did. We called the school to check up on his grades/behavior-the teachers know alot and were instrumental on helping us.If the kids that he was hanging out with were trouble makers, they were immediately banned. By hanging out with the wrong kids, his grades were affected. All of his behavior was attributed to that one small factor-"friends".
I would not advise calling the parents of the kids in front of your child. From experience, this method was not successful in our house. If anything, it infuriated our son. I called parents when he was at school or out with his friends. I also confided in several parents/family members (who were impartial) to speak with our son about his behavior. The advice I recieved on this message board was also instrumental.
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| posted by esther on 01/08/2008 06:42 PM
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| Well playing devils advocate,if you call the parents of his/her friends alone then he/she is going to say that you went behind his/her back and betrayed their trust.Then thats going to cause more problems, believe me.If you do it front of him/her and he/she gives you the numbers,then that shows your child that you are making the effort of finding out her/his friends parents guidelines and why.And if anything is ever said off color then your child will be there to say no my mom never said that to your mom/dad.Believe me there would be problems doing it behind the backs of the kids.Kids will be on the defensive and lie and say that your mom said this and that.If she/he is there, that cant happen.Also what if Sheila's mom says yes i gave her an extra hr;I trusted her and she hasnt let me down yet.Your child says; see mom; now can I have that extra hr also; so I can gain your trust too?Do it in front of them and you get some of your trust and friendship w your child back.You do it behind their back and it could cause nothing but trouble. |
| posted by Lexi on 01/08/2008 07:08 PM
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| I think it is normal for teens to want more freedom and space and to say they "can't breath" without it. I am sure I did this to my own mother. As far as the girls, have you met them? If you feel they are a bad influence then find something to occupy your daughter’s time. I am not sure about calling the other parents in front of your daughter, I guess it could work or backfire either way. I do hope her behavior gets better towards you, just remember she is venting her frustration because you make the rules. |
| posted by on 01/08/2008 08:41 PM
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| When we caught my step-daughter w a picture of a boy holding hands in some 1s back yard on a swing ,we told her she couldnt see or talk to the boy again and she couldnt go to the girls houses again.They had bfs at age 12 with a 14 yr old and 13 w a 16 yr old too.Their single dad didnt care.Well everytime she went to her moms she went skating to see them,called them on her cell and talked w them on the pc pagers.When school started she hung around w them during classes.You cannot keep a child from hanging w ppl if they go to school w them.Only until our step-daughter was told we want to meet this boy talk to his dad and mom did she not see him anymore.Come to find out the dad and mom didnt know or want their 14 yr old son seeing a 12 yr old girl either.So the phone call worked in our favor. |
| posted by Lexi on 01/08/2008 09:10 PM
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| I would be interested in knowing the age of your daughter. My daughter is 16 and I know that she is pulling away from me and relying more on her friends for companionship and advice. Even though I know that this is a normal part of the process of growing up, I also find myself becoming moody and depressed. I think you are experiencing a loss of the childhood of your daughter. All losses cause grief., but time will heal this. Stay connected and keep yourself busy with other activities. If I don't watch it, I find my self obsessing over my daughter. So I know how unsettling this can be to your emotions. Good luck to you. |
| posted by karen on 01/15/2008 04:26 PM
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