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| Parents of Teens |
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| I joined this group in hopes of seeing if I did my (Dustin)18 yr old wrong.I recently got divorced in Texas and remarried to a man from Mich.He has 1 girl who just turned 13.We together have 9 children.Dustin,16 yrs old at the time came to live w me instead of his dad.He is 19 now.He got kicked out of 2 schools for lipping off and not doing his work.He met a girl and she was all he could see.We put him in a Military Academy when he was 17 in hopes of them getting him to grow up because obviously I couldnt.He was promised a GED,drivers license,and a job when it was completed.He had 6 weeks to go, when his gf wrote him a Dear John letter;so he quit responding at the academy,and they booted him out.He refused to get a job;so we let him go back to school and he got into several altercations that ended up him beaten up and threatened w death in his school.We signed him out of school,he turned 18, and we sent him back to Texas where he got kicked out of 3 friends houses and 2 schools.I let him come back to Michigan in hopes that maybe, just maybe, that taught him a lesson.WRONG!!! He got here and started stalking his gf and he wouldnt get a job.Id drop him off and he'd go in and lie and say they werent hiring or they didnt like him.I even once brought him to a placeand the x-gf's parents called me to say he ended up there at their house.My hubby took him to a place to fill an app out and he sneaked out of the door as soon as they drove off.We finally told him hed have to find a new place to live or wed take him to the Mission.He has lived w 3 friends and got kicked out of everyone of their homes after 1 month,just like in texas. 1 of his friends kicked him out and took him to the mission.He got kicked out of there after 1 month; because he refused to work or go to class to get his GED.I mean, come on ,who gets kicked out of a mission???They got him a job doing phone sells and they got him on food stamps.They signed him up for housing help as soon as he finished his independent living classes.He wouldnt even go to those.He said he got an ear infection and couldnt do the phone sells.Then he said he stabbed himself in the foot w/ a sword so he couldnt walk to find a new job.Now he is at the first persons house again,living and supposedly got into GED classes and is going to independent living classes so that he and his 2 friends can get a place to live and not have to work maybe?Did he tell me in hopes Id be proud or in hopes of coming back to live?Im not really sure what the plan is there anymore.I wished hed grow up.My x-hubby had a job all but 2 months the 24 yrs I was w/ him.He wasnt use to being around ppl that didnt take baths or go to work everyday.I have no idea why he turned out this way.He doesnt do drugs,smoke or drink.Hes just plain lazy!Did I do the right thing by making him get out in hopes of him growing up?Should I have let him remain here bossing the younger kids around,hitting them,and taking over the TV,phone,game systems?Being disrespectful of the new hubby and I?Advice or sharing please? |
| Posted by Lexi on 12/18/2007 01:21 PM
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| Your son is 18 years old which in America is an adult.He needs to start acting like one. It's called tough love but sometime in a parent's life we have to do that. As long as you are there to pick up his "mess",he will learn nothing. My parents kicked me out at 17 and yeah,it was tough and I was angry but it was the best lesson i learn in my life. It sounds like you have a great hubby and why ruin it? I feel you did the right thing. |
| posted by Mary on 12/18/2007 02:06 PM
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Yes, ma'am you did the right thing. It's happene in too many families to count and I think all those families would tell you the same. I understand it's hard to do; we are conditioned to do for our kids; but I think you have a very healthy outlook on this whole thing.
He's had his time to be nurtured and taken care of; now it's the other kids' turns, and if you let him hang around being a jerk, you can't take care of them like you need to. |
| posted by Kelly on 12/18/2007 04:27 PM
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| You did the right thing by kicking him out. It sounds like he has had plenty of chances to get it together. The longer he has you helping him the longer he will be a mooch. I understand how hard this is but you are doing the right thing. He is 18 and must now learn the hard way to take care of himself. |
| posted by on 12/18/2007 06:02 PM
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| Thx all.I have been feeling bad over it for months.I didnt let the new hubby know how bad I felt cause he wouldnt understand.He is coming over for xmas.I hope him and the hubby get along for the day.We shall see. |
| posted by Lexi on 12/19/2007 11:27 AM
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I'm wondering here. Did all this behavior change after the divorce? Did he lighten up a bit, or did his behavior get progressively worse?
If I were to let my son back in the house, with all the complications you had mentioned, I think I would ask him to go to "counseling". He has some issues, and someone needs to get to the root of his problems.
As for him coming over for Christmas. I would make it very clear before hand how long he is can stay, and when he is leaving. I'm sorry, but, I would call the bus or airline and make sure he has a seat for his departure. I would ask him to leave as soon he started disrespecting you and your family.
I would have done the same thing you did, and bounce his butt out of the house.
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| posted by esther on 12/19/2007 11:58 AM
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| Yes he got worse after the divorce. |
| posted by Lexi on 12/19/2007 01:08 PM
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In a way, I kinda feel sad for this boy. Due to his state of "turmoil" and knowing that this got worse during the divorce, is scarey. I would not want this boy to end up in jail and locked away.
Nothing is stronger than a "mothers love". I understand that you have put up with him, and others have dealt with his crap. And as a mother we always want to help.
Whatever the reason is for his erradic behavior, he should get into some type of counseling. Someone that he can talk to. It may not be you or his father.
My girlfriend is dealing with this now with her son, and he is 22. She is at her wits end.
Having said what I said, I would seriously tell him ahead of time that his "crazy" behavior is not acceptable, and he will be asked to leave if it gets out of hand. |
| posted by esther on 12/21/2007 11:59 AM
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| Is it like a pride thing?I dont need any help.Im not the 1 w/ the problem.Im dealing w/ it mom.Or when he was in the mission, he did what he was suppose to do and then all of a sudden after he was sure that he was stable ;he started retreating back to his old ways.I feel really bad too.But I have to think of my new hubby and the other kids.He's a good person; but hes lazy.Its like he lost something and until he feels like he gets it back,he will not do anything that anyone says.Dustin, please do not do that.(he did it anyway)Dustin ,why did you do that after I asked you not too?Because you told me not too!i just do not understand the reasoning.When I was a lil' girl and I knew the repercussions of bad behavior,I steered away from it.I had a very bad childhood.The more I could try and be good;I tried to be.When I was w my x,I spoiled my children.If there was any left over money,I spent it on them.That was a gimme.They had everything they wanted and I spent time w them also.I did crafts w them.We had wrestling parties;where all their friends came over and at special RAW times. I charged 5 bux a kid and went and spent it on the payperview special and then went to the store and indulged in candy ,pizzas ,chips, dips ,and soda.When we got to Michigan,I tried to be the same way and spend time w/ the kids;but he said he was too old for that now and he was different.The lil ones love the attention;but Dustin wanted to be a man,now that hes away from the other family and my x.Thats what he told me.He thought that he was gonna come and be the man of the house and watch the kids and Id go to work and hed be the head over the children.I married my hubby and he got worse on his behavior.I mean you have to think about it.I had 7 children,6 boys and 1 girl and he was no 3 in line.He never got to be in charge and I guess he thought ,he could be here, in Mich.I hope this makes sense. |
| posted by Lexi on 12/21/2007 12:49 PM
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| He is 18 years old and he is a adult! He needs to take responsibility for his actions. many children have come from divorced families and have done well.It's up to the individual what he wants to do with his life and decide how to deal with divorce. |
| posted by Mary on 12/21/2007 02:50 PM
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| I did seem harsh Lexi. I am sorry. |
| posted by esther on 12/22/2007 08:52 PM
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| No kellie you are fine.I asked for advice and I dont get mad for all what ppl tell me.You can ask on other forums.I never get upset about ppl and their diff opinions.When and if he straightens up to what he is suppose to do and be Ill help him out.But until then I wont be an enabler.I think the way he grew up has alot to do w/ how my kids turned out.When your hubby makes you live inside of a box;it makes the children more dependent and thusly takes them longer to grow up and find their way.It took my oldest Mike til he was 20 to grow up.My no 2, Bran,is finally on his own and he just turned 21.I think that Dustin will end up being the same.Dont ever think that when you tell me exactly how you feel on a subject that Ill get mad.Thats why I love my 1 and only friend so much.She tells me exactly how she sees life wether its the way I feel or not. |
| posted by Lexi on 12/23/2007 12:30 PM
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| Dustin called from a different friends house and tried to make it our problem to get him to our house.This is xmas eve.We told him that we had plans and that hed have to get over here himself.We went to my hubbys family and yall all know how I feel about them.When we got home,he told us that hed gotten kicked out of his friends house and didnt have anywhere to go.I asked him why it was that his places to live only lasted for 1 month or less.Every one hates me;he says.So we all got into a long discussion on how he should act and what he should do and should have done.Next day,we couldnt even get him to take a shower.He pretended to get his hair a lil wet.I thought to myself;he really will never change.We ate xmas dinner.Later that night,My hubby took him to the ppl's mom that hed been staying with and we havent heard from him since.I asked him when he was here why???I told him that I honestly didnt/couldnt understand.Hubby told him he didnt care what happened;he wasnt gonna let him come back in.I felt so bad as a mom in my heart.Its snowing here and I know he cant go back to the mission.He is forever banned from even there.I just do not know what to do.I feel so helpless and my hubby who doesnt have any family values cause of his uncaring/self absorbed parents, doesnt care if Dustin ends up dead some where.My hubby doesnt even practice unconditional love.He never had it cause his dad said the only way of life is farming,not sports,not girls ,not anything is as important as farming.So,hes been out of the house since he was 16.Oh well thats what happened at xmas w/ Dustin. |
| posted by Lexi on 12/29/2007 12:59 PM
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| Finally got ahold of the person hes with and they are gonna make him finish his GED and get him a job.Gawd I hope they can.I hope the thought of being out in the cold snow at night made him wake up a lil.Time will tell. |
| posted by Lexi on 12/29/2007 08:40 PM
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Dustin has certainly given himself a tough row to hoe. I don't hold my hope of anyone "making" him do anything. I do hope that he is scared into making some better choices, though. For your sake, if not for his own.
Hang in there, mom, you are (still) doing the right thing. |
| posted by Kelly on 12/30/2007 05:59 AM
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Don't give in!!!! Don't give up on your family that needs you. This young man doesn't need you. He needs to hit rock bottom and live there for a while. He has chosen to turn away from society at this point in his life, he has chosen to behave like a small spoilt child.
Your job is to find out what you have overlooked so that your other children don't turn out the same way. It sounds as if your sons (you mentioned he's number 3 doing this) have not been taught on the making of a real man somehow and are struggling through the years that they should be showing the fruits of those lessons. Do you have other sons? Perhaps you could read some books regarding growing into manhood. Make some lists, after researching, on what you expect them to do, accomplish and behave ect.
Books- off the top of my head
Bringing Up Boys, anything by Dr. Dobson
Real Boys,
Growing a Healthy home
anything written by Kevin Lehman
Hope some of this helps. |
| posted by Tina on 01/07/2008 07:29 AM
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| Yes I had 6 boys and he is the only 1 that has had a problem w growing up.My oldest Mike(hes 24) got a job for 3 yrs at a Pizza place/ had his own apt./car,and saved up for things he wanted after paying his bills on time.X-Hubby just asked him to work w him and now hes making more money and saving for a new car to drive.My no 2 boy(hes 21) just started working w my x hubby also and has his own apt and is saving for a car also.My no 3 son Dustin(hes 19) hasnt grown up at all.My no 4 son Christopher has been working at a lake resturant since he turned 14.he is now 17.Its family owned and he does the kitchen work during the spring and summer months for boat tourists.He saved up for a car and moved out of my hubbys house 2 yrs ago and lives w friends now.My no 5 son lives w my x and my x pawns him off to my eldest son every weekend so him and his bar ...... can go and party and swing w other ppl.No 6 boy lives w me in Michigan and hes 11.My daughter in 9,she lives w me also.Dustin is still in Michigan but living w friends and supposedly going to night school for his GED. |
| posted by Lexi on 01/07/2008 12:12 PM
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| My x-hubby and I were together for 24 yrs and of that 24 yrs he didnt work but 2 months of it.There is no excuse for Dustin being the way he is.Every day we instilled in the boys when you get 18 you get a job ,an apt, and a car and you live your own life.We bought them what they needed and a lil more at times.When my daughter was 3, I got a part-time job and was able to spoil the kids w/ my lil' paycheck.I told them that in order to buy extra things you had to work.We took showers everyday and I tried to keep the house clean as I could w the family of 9.I made them clean their own rooms and even started to teach each one of them to cook when they turned 11 r 12.My mom of course went haywire when I told her they were learning to cook and do dishes and cleaning their own rooms.Her and my dad thought that I should have been the only cleaner and cooker.I told them that boys grow up and leave home.Whose gonna do their laundry?Whose gonna cook for em?Whose gonna clean their tiolets and bedrooms?My dad says their wife of course!!!So I tried to instill things into them.Dustin has all the qualitys; he just refuses to use them. |
| posted by Lexi on 01/07/2008 12:32 PM
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