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| Stay at Home Moms |
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I'm not sure if this is where I should post this, but here goes...
I used to work full-time until I was about 6 months pregnant with my youngest. My husband was GREAT throughout the whole pregnancy: he helped with laundry, dishes, cleaning up, etc. He would buy anything I asked for. He was pretty good after Logan was born, too, up until a couple of months ago.
This is my complaint: MONEY! When I had a job, we hardly ever fought over money. Now that I don't work, it's a different story. We BOTH decided that I would stay at home until Logan was in school, since day-care is so expensive. Well, everytime I go somewhere, as soon as he gets home from work, he goes "So how much money did you spend/ waste today? " I have to save EVERY single receipt and give it to him. If he thinks I spent too much, he lectures me! I AM NOT A CHILD!!!!!! When I suggest going and doing something as a family, this is his response: "With what money?" If he wants something, though, there's always enough money for him. If I want to go somewhere during the day, I have to call him at work and ask him. If I have to go buy something such as formula or diapers I have to get permission. If I want to go out with my girlfriends, I have to ask. But he just comes & goes as he pleases. He was never like this when I had a job. I'm at the end of my rope!!! Anyone else have this problem? Or any advice? HELP!!!! |
| Posted by Angela on 10/30/2007 10:40 AM
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| We are kind of dealing with the same thing here. I had a really good job, but had to leave early because of complications with my pregnancy. I am waiting until Mikayla is in school to go back to work. The only difference is, I handle the finances. I am the same way as your husband, except I do not spend on myself. I carry the burden of balancing the checkbook all by myself, I have asked my hubby to take over or to at least help, because then he would know that I am not lying, there is not money in there to spend frivolously. If we shared, or you guys shared the responsibility of balancing the checkbook together, you would both be more understanding towards eachother. |
| posted by on 10/30/2007 11:17 AM
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| We are kind of dealing with the same thing here. I had a really good job, but had to leave early because of complications with my pregnancy. I am waiting until Mikayla is in school to go back to work. The only difference is, I handle the finances. I am the same way as your husband, except I do not spend on myself. I carry the burden of balancing the checkbook all by myself, I have asked my hubby to take over or to at least help, because then he would know that I am not lying, there is not money in there to spend frivolously. If we shared, or you guys shared the responsibility of balancing the checkbook together, you would both be more understanding towards eachother. |
| posted by on 10/30/2007 11:17 AM
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| I am feeling the same pain you are except it is not to the point that I have to ask permission or show him receipts. But I was making great money as a recruiter, but we agreed that I would stay home with Xander until he starts school, but now it is not working for my husband. He doesn't understand either because I do the checkbook and make sure everything gets paid, but when I can;t give him his $160.00 allowance for the week, he asked why. So I will have him do the bills and see how he deals with it. I do not ask him if I can go out with my friends, because he doesn't watch Xander as well as I think he should. He gets to involved in the tv or computer. We even went to a counselor for this, but he thought that was a waste of time. Your are not the only one's feeling this pain from a working person to a stay at home mom. But I would rather stay home with my baby than have someone else raise my baby. |
| posted by Rachael on 10/30/2007 11:33 AM
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| See, he pays all the bills, & balances the checkbook b/c it's all in his name. I don't have a checking account, and my name is not on his. NOTHING is in my name b/c of my bad credit history. I do understand (somewhat) about his not wanting me to spend money, but he won't show me the actual amount in the checking account. He does have a way that I could check it on-line, but he change the password and won't tell me the new one. I wasn't checking it behind his back or anything, either. I agree, that if I did know the EXACT amount, I would try and be more understanding. But when all I hear is "we have no money" but then he buys things for HIM, it's a little irritating. |
| posted by Angela on 10/30/2007 11:38 AM
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Rachael,
I would rather raise my child, too, and not someone else. That is the reason I'm staying at home. But I would also like to have some of my OWN money coming in. I just don't know how to go about it. |
| posted by Angela on 10/30/2007 11:43 AM
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| I wish I had an easy answer to resolve your issue but I don't. Its easy for me to just tell you to try to find out or have a hand in the checkbook or credit cards but that's not always easy as I have learned myself. My husband and I do argue over money as well. I worked after we had our 1st child and she went to daycare. I had a very well paying job with great benefits. After my 2nd child the company I worked for had laid off a lot of people and I knew once I returned from maternity leave I would be next. My assistant handled most things other than a few emails/calls to me while I was home. The boss didn't know about those. Anyway I was laid off when my 2nd child was 5 months and I have stayed home and now we have a 6 month old. (3 kids in all) Its much harder to stay home and take care of the children and not help financially but daycare is costly and its rewarding to take care of your own child being someone who has done both. My husband doesn't mention money to me too much b/c we had argued about it and he thinks I buy toys for the kids which I don't. I buy things they need - clothes, shoes, socks, diapers, wipes etc. They have enough toys.. I know .. I pick them up all day long. I can only state that I think if I did see the credit card bills and the checkbook more often I would understand what bills we have and money we have. He does the bills while he is at work so I don't see anything. I am just lucky since he doesn't ask what I have spent money on. He knows he can check the credit card for that. I understand how you do feel since my husband is involved in many things that don't involve the family. He plays recreational sports year round and after each game he goes to the bar and buys himself food/beverages. We have argued about that but I have learned to live with it instead of getting mad. I was going out with past co-workers since I missed them but that has not happened in a while. I wish I could tell you that you need to really sit with him and make him listen to how you feel but its easier for me to say it than to have you do it. I feel horrible that you have to ask for permission to do/buy things. That seems rather harsh to me since you are NOT a child. Where is it that he goes by himself? I am just curious what he does that doesn't include the family. I have spoken to my husband about it in the past when we fought a lot and tried to explain that I don't think its fair to spend money on himself and the family doesn't do anything fun - with money or without spending money. I felt that since I didn't have a check to give my husband he felt that he was contributing more to the family. Yes financially but you staying home are contributing so much to your child and your family too. Don't think your husband realizes that. Wish I had an answer for you. |
| posted by MK on 10/30/2007 12:01 PM
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| I thought I was the only one, and that I was being ridiculous when I thought my hubby doesn't watch our daughter well enough. After reading Rachel's response, I don't feel so alone anymore. I also feel as though the computer, and TV and sports come first. I do everything around here. I even took a weekend job waitressing, but that was short lived, as my mother couldn't make the trip from NJ to PA every weekend, and I didn't feel comfortable leaving my daughter in hubby's care for six hours a day. I have been looking into those work from home things, but am leary of them being that they charge you to get started. |
| posted by on 10/30/2007 12:27 PM
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Monika,
He is a mechanic and is currently fixing up an old Mustang. He is always buying something for that. Which is fine, but then why does he tell me we have no money if I would like something? Almost every weekend he'll go to his buddy's, where the mustang is, and work on it all day. I know he needs his alone time, but when do I get mine? Also, why can't we do something as a family? This past weekend we went to a corn maze as a family. That was the first time we ALL did something together in I don't know how long.
He also goes to his dad's alot, which, whatever, but my point is: he doesn't have to ask me if he can go. If I want to go to my mom's I have to ask if it's alright. B/c god forbid, it costs GAS money to go there. But it costs HIM gas money to go to his dad's!
Also, I guess he really doesn''t spend alot of money, but when he does, it's always something that costs alot. And, yes, he should be able to buy what he wants, it's his money. But at this time I don't have any income for myself, so unfortunately I have to use his. I try and not "waste" money on things that I want. I usually buy stuff that is NEEDED. Like formula, diapers, baby food, food for us, etc. |
| posted by Angela on 10/30/2007 12:27 PM
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| Angela, you said it is "his" money. Total up what it would cost him to have a personal chef, round the clock child care, a cleaning lady, and someone doing his laundry......It was cost him a lot more than you think you are worth, that is your money too. |
| posted by on 10/30/2007 12:30 PM
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| Yes everything is in my husbands name as well, but I pay the bills because he would forget. And he does talk about doing so he knows, but that never works out because he is either to busy playing with his computer or going on a weekend with the guys fishing. We should get together and vent more. I have started working from home recruiting, I did that before and during my pregnancy. But it still takes time away from Xander when he is not napping and I can't get laundry and ironing done like I use too. It is tough on me and he doesn't understand. I use the credit card to buy groceries and diapers, he gets mad because I use the card, but we have no cash in the checkbook. I wish he understood. When I do ask him to watch Xander while I make some work phone calls, it is a big deal for an hour, when I can watch Xander all day long. That is tough for me to understand. You would think he would want to spend that time with his son. |
| posted by Rachael on 10/30/2007 12:33 PM
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| Recruiting for what exactly? Is it something anyone can get into and do from home? |
| posted by on 10/30/2007 12:36 PM
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| But it is his money. I don't contribute to the income at all. And my name isn't on the checks. |
| posted by Angela on 10/30/2007 12:39 PM
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| If he had to take care of the kids full time, cook his own meals, do his own laundry and clean the house, plus transport the kids to and from activities and Dr.s appoinments, would he have time for his job? You support him just as much as he supports you, you just do it in different ways. It is your money too and that is your first mistake, looking at it like it is his. Put a value on what you do all day for him and the kids, you will see things differently. |
| posted by on 10/30/2007 12:42 PM
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| I hear you about him making a big deal of watching the baby for an hour. Last night I had a bad headache, so I aske dhim if he could watch him for a while. He did, but then would ask why he was whining so much? I tell ya! |
| posted by Angela on 10/30/2007 12:43 PM
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| Oh forget it my husband gets nervous because she cries with him and he can't calm her down, well that is because you have made yourself a stranger, if he stepped up moreshe would respond better to him! |
| posted by on 10/30/2007 12:46 PM
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Angela,
I do understand what you are saying and I can relate to how you feel. We finally did something as a family and went to a local farm and picked a few small pumpkins for the kids a few weekends ago. Does your mom live nearby. My mom lives in the same town as me and either we go there or she comes here. She is such a huge help and my husband can't say anything about our relationship since she is so giving unlike his parents. My dad passed away 7 years ago - anyway there has never been an issue with my time spent with my mom but the shopping and doing things as a family is the sore issue. I do miss adult conversation as I had when I worked.
I can only say that hopefully it will get better but it takes time. I am still having issues and we have 3 kids and we have been married for 10 years this October. He actually took me out for dinner and I felt guilty when I saw the prices on the menu. Guess he is making up for the past 9 years. I know we can't afford things as we did before but the kids need what they need and I don't mean frivilious items either.
When you worked what happend to that money. You mentioned that you did work before the baby. I worked and I know my checks went into the bank for bills but I did contribute at one time and I am now by taking care of the children and the home, etc. You are contributing in those ways too and in order to do so money is needed to take care of them as well. I have actually left my husband with all 3 kids for a few hours and he does see why I have called at night wondering if he was coming home soon to help me. I can trust him with the children since this is also our 3rd baby so its easier for him than when it was the 1st and niether of us had much of a clue. I just wish you could talk to him without getting too upset -- I wish I could follow my own advice- but I have gotten better - anyway not sure if you can bring up those things you mentioned - going to his buddy and his father's and you have to ask for permission. Where is that coming from? Why all of a sudden is that required? Perhaps he is worried about where you are with baby and wants to make sure you are ok but I have a cell phone to get reached on when I take it - lol -- and my husband has called the home and than will call my mom.. guess I am predictable but I also am nursing and don't feel comfortable doing that in public so its either my home or my mom's... thankfully the baby is eating food now though... I wish I had an answer... |
| posted by MK on 10/30/2007 01:44 PM
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Monika,
My mom lives an hour away, and my husband's parents live 1 1/2 hours away. I'm not sure, either, why he all of a sudden wants me to ask him if I can go somewhere. It might be b/c of the baby. I don't know!? When I worked 3/4 of my check went towards bills; the rest usually went toward things we needed. Sometimes I'd use it to go out with girlfriends. My husband isn't really into the drinking scene, so he never wanted to go out if I asked him. So now that my paycheck isn't around for helping with the bills, he probably is scared we won't have any money left for emergencies? I have no clue. |
| posted by Angela on 10/30/2007 02:00 PM
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| I kind of had the same problem with my husband. But he doesnt say anything about what I spend because I don't buy what is not needed but he thinks he can spend spend spend and when I complain about what he is spending then he wants to make comments about it being "his" money. And he would do nothing to help me with the kids and the house. He got this additude that since he works and I don't then I should do everything around the house and the kids. He seemed to think that I really had it easy being a stay at home mom and that I didn't work as hard or harder than he does at his job. So what I did was I took a week off.....call it a vacation or what ever but I did nothing not a darn thing for a week.....the dishes, dust, and laundry piled up, the house looked like a total disaster. The only thing I did was to still make sure the kids were taken care of but as for anything for him....nothing! Once he seen how the house was looking just after 3 days he actually washed the dishes and after the 5th day he was begging me to do the laundry and clean. I told him to hire a maid and see what that would cost him. I still did nothing until the 7th day and he told me he understood what I did and that he would try to help out more and he and I got the house back in order. And so far he is still trying to help as much as he can. I think this helped him understand that I do so much more than he realized and I earn every penny that he makes plus more! |
| posted by Margene on 10/30/2007 02:15 PM
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| I am a IT Recruiter. I have do recruitng for several years now. I am not sure, but if you post a resume out on monster or career builder and put looking for contract work, you maybe able to get into data entry or something that you can do from home. Some people also do medical transcripting. I think you have to take classes for that opportunity. |
| posted by Rachael on 10/30/2007 02:53 PM
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| angela,, i feel for you. i too am a SAHM with my two kids and my husband makes all the money. everything's in his name and we fight over money too. not all the time, bur enuff. we've been trying to work it out. and i agree that what ever any of us tell you, it's still easier said than done.i also agree that you are his cheif cook, bottle washer, maid, butler, laundry atendant, diaper changer, ect,,,,, what would they do with out us? and don't get me started on cars! my husband has a '62 falcon, a '63 1/2 falcon, a '71 mavrick, a '65 falcon van and a '05 F150. all except the '05 are in "stages" of rebuild, custom, repair and the like. summit, dearborn and schucks are household names around here. as for doing things as a family,,,,sometimes we just have to "remind" our husbands that anybody can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad,,,,,sometimes they forget that the kids need to do things with daddy and that means they need to get off the computer, off the x-box, put the tools down and come out of the garage,,,ect. my advice to you is to sit down with him, tell him how you feel, remind him your not a child, take all those receipt and add them up, and tell him to come up with a buget on house-hold exspences, and tell him that this is what it takes to run your house. tell him that you want x-amount per mouth/week to run said house. if you go over said amount, then he can question you about it. you should also make sure that there's enuff for unforseen probs like say cold meds and stuff you don't buy all the time. like if you go thru $160 in food per week, alot for $175-$180 per week. this way you won't be fighting over the cold meds or diaper rash crean you need. i know this is sometimes hard do to money flow, but it has helped me and my husband. we still fight when he comes home with that new part or x-box game, but i try to let him have his "toys" because he does work and bring home the only money. we all have to remember that our husband get into that "i'm footing the bills on my own" mood too. sometimes we all start thinking that the other has it so easy,,, but in truth, none of this would work if we and our husbands didn't do what we do. |
| posted by lea on 10/30/2007 02:55 PM
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Wow, Angela! You've started quite a conundrum of conversation here...and it sounds like there are at least a few women out there who are in "the same boat", so to speak.
I really cannot relate to your particular situation; but money arguments are the most common in marriage statistically, so they aren't going to go away. My advice would be to be very creative and careful in selecting a time and place to talk about how your husband's treatment of you is making you feel. Be careful not to blame him or attack his character with "You do this.." or "You always" type statements, but really let him know how certain specific actions and words make you feel when they happen.
The money issue is just a symptom of how you two are relating to each other as people. You both have value in your marriage...but it's supposed to be a partnership and right now it sounds as if neither one of you are "partnering" the other in a way that makes you both happy and content.
All I'm saying is that this goes waaayyy beyond the money..it's just an easy thing to argue about - whether you have it or you don't.
On a different note: is it possible to get your name added to the checking account? You said something about bad credit...is this in his opinion, or is it something that the banks won't let you be on the checking account yet? Like bancruptcy or something like that? If it's nothing legal separating you, I'd strongly encourage you to try to negotiate that with your husband.
My man works to make the money, but I work to manage the household. We are a team! So, what's mine is his and what's his is mine...this is how it's meant to be!
Good luck and God's grace go with you! |
| posted by Kelly on 10/30/2007 09:34 PM
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| MARGENE, what a wonderful idea, good for you! |
| posted by Amanda on 10/30/2007 10:13 PM
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| Angela i think you and I have the same husband!! i am having the same exact problems with everything. i keep looking for a stay at home job or a weekend job but to no avail. also i dont trust my husband any more, so many secrets he is keeping from me. i am counting the days until she is old enough for some sort of day care of school. i dont think day care is good until they are two to three years old. but i have no idea what to do, all of a sudden i have no say in anything. |
| posted by MARYANNE on 10/30/2007 10:36 PM
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Hi all, I was just reading all of the posts on this subjects!!
I am new on this site and so I hope that I do not tick off any of the regulars lol
My comment at the moment is to DAUN!
You were talking about getting one of those work from home kind og jobs!
I just heard on the news this morning that you have too be very careful with them.... the one's that want money to start are the one's to stay away from.... it was on fox news this morning along with other ways that people are being ripped off..... I just wanted to let you know before you make a choice that will not be good!! take care everyone... |
| posted by lorraine on 10/30/2007 10:51 PM
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I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses. I am going to think about all of it and try and come up with a way to talk with him about this problem. Someone said that it wasn't just about money, and I think you're right. He HATES discussing anything, but I'm going to give it a shot. Wish me luck and I will fill everyone in later this week to see how it went. Take care, and Happy Halloween!!!!
Angela |
| posted by Angela on 10/31/2007 09:39 AM
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Kelly,
I used to have bad credit b/c I had alot of bills when I was in my early 20's and I had a hard time paying them. I'm not sure what my credit score is now, but my husband says it's probably bad and doesn't want my name on his checks. |
| posted by Angela on 10/31/2007 09:42 AM
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Angela,
I too have the same problem, but in the reverse. My boyfriend the one working and I stay at home with the baby. I am incharge of the finances and it can be nerveracking because i will find 100 dollars here and there taken out the ATM. When I confront my boyfriend he will say he needed it for work, petty cash. I kept trying to tell him that we don't have it made like that anymore since I have stopped working. Now he is looking for more work and it has been a month and we are struggling. I have to go back to my old job with my old crazy boss, but she is going to let me use her nanny for free which is very cool. This is because like most of you ladies I don't feel comfortable with leaving the baby with him for long periods oftime. He just surfs the internet all day! It can be very frustrating. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Also, my bf has bad credit and he is on my checking account. It doesn't effect my score, it only improves his. You should look into that and try to see your credit score at that free credit score website. It really may put your mind at ease just to know. Maybe it's not as bad as you think.
Hope all works out well,
Caity |
| posted by caitlin on 10/31/2007 10:53 AM
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| I hope things work out for you. My husband doesn't like to discuss anything too but I have gotten better at not attacking him and using the you did or you this. I now have learned to say I feel that or it makes me feel like - hope that works for you. And I have heard the comment more than once that things are better for you since you are home instead of working. I could at least at the end of the day remove myself from work not so much from the home and family if I am having a bad day. I am lucky since I can leave the kids home with my husband even though he does spend lots of time on the computer doing his sports and who knows what. I do not like the comment that its HIS MONEY... you would work I am sure if it were not for the baby and you are doing a wonderful thing by staying home. Take it from someone who did have a child in daycare since she was 6 weeks old and has been lucky to have the other 2 stay with me. Its tough but very rewarding. I hope you can talk calmly about how you feel and come to a resolution that works best for your family. |
| posted by MK on 10/31/2007 12:30 PM
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I've seen a lot of posts about "his" money because he works and you... supposedly... don't. I have struggled with this since I stopped working, although fortunately my husband sees it as "our" money. So partially this is a natural outcome of losing your career and sense of self-sufficiency, and partly it sounds like a serious marital problem. If you're both seeing the money as his or yours rather than the family finances, there is definitely a deeper problem going on that needs to be addressed. Also, your credit score does change over time, and you should not take your husband's word for it that it's still bad. It's a way of controlling you through the money that is very unhealthy to the relationship. Stuff falls off after several years and you may have a very moderate credit score now because there's nothing on it. I would strongly suggest getting in touch with a free service to find out what your credit is, and to talk to a counselor about your money issues. At the risk of hurting you, if he is really not listening to you and is taking the opportunity to exert this kind of control over you things are probably not going to improve on their own.
I'm sorry you're in this situation, I'll be sending you warm thoughts in the hopes that things improve for you very soon. |
| posted by Cindy on 10/31/2007 01:11 PM
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Hi ladies,
I have been reading some of your comments about how you have no access to YOUR money...or your husbands money (let him tell it). Heres my thought....on ANY topic...men only do what women ALLOW them to. So if he is doing this and you are allowing it then of course he will continue.
Also, I think everyone should read this little article i found on Oprah.com
Here is the link:
http://www2.oprah.com/omagazine/200708/omag_200708_suze.jhtml
My husband and I share everything. I may not be on an account of his, but i know how much is there. He and I have access to each others accounts,email,everything..there are no secrets. We sit and do the finances together so we both understand where the money is going and what is coming in. We decided to do this only because money cause arguments, no matter who you are. Since money is the #1 cause of divorce I was not about to let that happen to us.
I also look at it like this, if he cant show me how much is there or has to question me about what i spend...what is he have to hide and why doesnt he want me to have access????
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| posted by Ashlee on 11/01/2007 08:33 PM
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| Angela, this is a control issue with him. I doubt it's the money that's the issue at all, although things may be tight for you, but this has everything to do with control. The more he does this and you allow it, the less of respect you will have with him. Think about it. How much respect do you have for someone that can think for themselves and stands their ground? A lot right? So, what he's doing to you is lessening that, so get some advice from a therapist. For some reason, he feels he needs to exercise control with you. Examine his relationship with his mom, or how his dad controlled his mother. Or think about his life, where has he not had control and has hatted it? Why is he compensating for it now with you?? This may go back awhile, maybe even to his childhood. Then also examine his life now, what's going on in his work right now, is his job secure, is he up for review, new job duties, something where he feels he's out of control and needs to exercise it with you to gain some respect in his life. Or maybe he's doing something in his life or at work that is making him feel guilty and he feels his life is out of control, then to come home to you and pull the reigns may also be a way for him to pull the control into balance for him. Obviously, this type of control issue is not right, nor are you to be treated as a child. I would demand for some respect as you did. Be careful, these actions from him only distroy a high regard for you in his mind, you are not doing either one of you any favors being in such a situation. Good luck, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Therapy, which is covered by most insurances can really help you get a grasp on what is normal and how and the right phrases to say to him in those sticky situations. But believe me the more you stand up for your self respect the better. But, take a look inside of what's going on with him. Usually we act one way, which is usually what we call a secondary emotion that is really steming from something else deep inside, and for him it's a fear of something. Maybe you can think about what that might be. Good luck. Keep us updated. |
| posted by Dayna on 11/02/2007 04:04 PM
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| I had the same problem. I told my Fiance that if he wanted to get down to the nitty gritty what i do around the house would pay me ten times as much as he does. That if he wanted to say it was his money i stop doing what i do around the house and he could do it himself. He said ya whatever at first. So what i did was i stopped doing everything that would benefit him at home. I stopped doing his laundry. I didn't make him dinner etc... If that doesnt help i am not sure what will. I am sorry men can be so selfish |
| posted by Nicki on 11/11/2007 08:14 PM
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Wow, I am so glad I read these posts. I am a SAHM of three little ones..and have been feeling like I will have a nervous breakdown. There is sooo much to do to take care of children and run a household and my husband and I have been arguing big time over money...which adds to my stress level. I am glad to be the one home raising my children but it was alot less stressful going to work!
I am glad my husband is not the only one who doesn't have a clue!! |
| posted by Beth on 11/11/2007 08:58 PM
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Unfortunately many young couples go through this because we don't have the mentors we used to have generations ago. My husband and I went through this for many years, since then we found out why--
1. Neither of us knew anything about using money as a tool for improving our quality of life.
2. We didn't know how to save for the future.
3. We did not have a mission statement or business plan for our future.
4. We weren't honest about our spending.
5. We did not live within our means.
Until we could sit together and answer these questions, our life was unstable and we did not trust each other completely. Nor did we have a foundational faith to lean on.
Here are some suggestion from a marriage class I took --
1. Keep a daily journal of all you do, for your own sanity and also for your children to read in the future.
2. Get up before your family so you can have 15 mins. of peace of mind. (If you struggle with this try 10 mins early each week until you develop a habit).
3. Keep children and yourself away from spouse for 20 min when they come home so they can relax and you don't emotionally throw up on them as they walk in the door. (I sent my husband to the shower).
4. Start a weekly or daily habit that you & your spouse can look towards.... like homemade dessert night on Tuesday, library night on Wed... or coffee and newspaper on Sunday morning.
5.Keep a notebook of expendatures for 30-60 days and then discuss where most of your money goes.
6. Set a personal allowance for yourself and your spouse each week-- whether its $10 or $30.
7. Set straight work hours and try to stick to them as much as possible. In my home I clean during M-F and my husband and I share all on weekends. (We now have teens that do alot as well) My husband knows that unless I really want to do something when he's done for the day, I am too.
8. If you want extra money, you still have the right to earn it. You also have the right to save it, (ever heard of pin money?) That's the money women would save after groceries , childcare or selling eggs and pin it to the inside of their skirts to save. Both my husband & I have change jars, we save and buy what we want. What are the big things you want? A new stove? Agree to a Christmas club account in a bank....you can save money each week $2.00 or more and can't take it out until October...
9. Know what exactly you are going to spend on groceries for the month, then round it off. For example if you spend $80 a week and with coupons and store savings it only comes to $72 take the change and put it in your jar.
10. Learn HOW TO ARGUE YOUR POINT, this does mean insults, screaming, swearing, or personal attacks.
Hope this helps, the biggest thing I learned was that there were going to be days or weeks when you don't like each other. That's when we "fake it until we make it" We made a committment and will stick to that promise even if somedays its all we have :) It has worked for years and when I used to get disappointed with him I would do something nice for him to feel better, the hard part at first was not expecting anything back when I did try to impress him. Now he tries to impress me :) |
| posted by Tina on 11/12/2007 01:29 PM
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good idea!!!
I understand where you are coming from but I don't yet have the restrictions or the asking for permission. Unfortunately, hubby's just don't quite understand all the time that yes they earn the money, yes they need a break when they get home, yes they should be able to spend some money on things they want BUT WE NEED THOSE THINGS ALSO... Yes, we need a break from the kid[s] when he gets home, yes, we should be able to buy sometihng for ourselves even if its a tube of lipstick, ...
if money is tight for outtings go to the park, ask family members at christmas to pitch in for a zoo family year pass, go to the library, libraries have storytimes, barnes and noble has storytimes, um at least in florida during the summer some movie theaters have a free movie day, look online or newspapers for any free events nearby..... who knows |
| posted by roxanne on 11/27/2007 09:34 AM
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| Wow I thought I was the only person also that had a problem with husbands and money.Listen to my horror story.My first marriage,I took care of the finances and we always had money for our children and extra things once in awhile.I didnt have to work.When and if I wanted to work all my funds would go as play money for my children.If there was an emergency,there was money for it.But when I wasnt working;I only bought what we needed.I am remarried and unfortunately he doesnt make as much money.I had to get a job;but what I didnt know was that he and his x-wife were 100 thousand dollars in debt,which they split down the middle before I got here and married him. He learned from that marriage that it was okay to make and spend money as you please.Well let me tell you, he took my whole check and spent it as he pleased along with his and when there wasnt any left yelled at me that I needed to go and get a second job cause he wasnt gonna pay for my 3 children ,they werent his.I couldnt spend any money unless I asked.I couldnt buy anything for my kids unless he went and approved of the purchase.No toys or clothes unless there is a reason such as a birthday or xmas.His daughter from his marriage was a different story.If she needed it or wanted it;she got it because just because we are together he isnt going to make her do w/o because hes with me.He made me lose my checking account; he would take my check minus the amount he thought I needed to spend on food.Our electricity,phone and cable were getting cut off every other month because he was not paying them on time.I found out that he was having all the extra bills he was making sent to his work.I called them and told them to cancel that and I finally I got to the mailbox before he did and dear God I wanted to cry.He had 3 credit cards and 2 banking accounts and the money was being split into the 2 accounts, and the credit cards were maxed.As soon as I got paid hed pay a lil on them and then max them again til I got paid again.He was spending any where from 500 to 600 a month at fast food restaurants and convenience stores.There were questionable amounts to who he was dining with as well.After all 6 to 8 bucks for 1 person ,but these were 12 to 16 a day!And gas in 2 vehicles in 1 day,Very suspiciuos.Needless to say,we had it out and I was told that he lived that way for 10 yrs and wasnt about to change for me or anyone.I started paying those credit cards off and as I did I told him not to take the money for anything else.Well guess what?He took the money and didnt pay them off.I went through the roof.After that I took my check cashed it.I got a money order and paid off the cards and hid them.Needless to say he got back 3 of them and he maxed them out again.He had gotten a check from his divorce for 19 thousand.He spent the money with in 4 months.Yes you heard me right,4 months!!! I quit my job and after that my life hasnt been the same.I was told that if I didnt get out and pound the pavement and find another job I was kicked out because he isnt going to pay for all the bills himself.I found out I was pregnant a month later.I had 7 children and 3 miscarriages and this was my 11th pregnancy.I couldnt work for sure now.I am a CNA.I pick heavy ppl up all day,put them in and out of bed and clean them up when they have accidents.He went through the roof, telling me I had to get a job because I made him go further in debt and they had to be paid off again.Thats when I found out he had found them and maxed them all out again.He had also applied for a new car and got it, even though I told him we couldnt afford it because I cannot go and get a job til the baby is born.He got the car anyway and he yelled at me every day that I was worthless and lazy and I better get a job because the bills were adding up and he wasnt going to pay them until and I got a job.He ran up every card we had left.Then he borrowed 2000 dollars from cash advance places and told me it was my fault.He lost his job.The rest of the time I was pregnant he stayed home on unemployment and told me I'll go and get a job when you do.By this time I was spotting,being sick all the time.I was in and out of the OB/GYN clinic 2 xs a month.I was sleeping 14 to 16 hours a day.I couldnt sit up for a long period w/o hurting and cramping.He got worse and worse at me.Hed talk to my mom whod call 4 r 5 xs a week and tell her" Oh I am spoiling her and taking care of her".Then get off the phone and trash me.I had to keep the house clean, cook all the meals, and do all the laundry.He wouldnt do anything but stay on the pc and gripe at me and the children.He spent every penny we had and we got farther and farther behind in our mortgage and lot rent.We had to get finacial help w groceries and our utilities.As soon as the cash got on the EBT Card hed spend it within a couple of weeks and tell me it went for a bill until they turned it off.We lost our car,all his credit cards I had paid off for him.He was going to go bankrupt and its all my fault.In May he finally broke down after making me go to the hospital and bleed from stress;he fianally decided that I really wasnt going to get up and get a job and do something about all the bills.They told him my blood pressure was at a high and dangerous and so was my sugar.They told him I could miscarry the baby and/ or have a heart attack unless there was no stress.He applied for a job online and some 1 called him and he started the week I had the baby in June.He was doing mortgages and it was an if job.The guy he was working for was taking the good clients and giving his workers the small pays.We ended up going into debt even more.My husband had dipped into the advance pay every week and spent more then he was making in a month.I got very sick after having the baby with unexplained infections.He got fired again and I decided that I wasnt going to get a job and let someone else watch my baby.Plus after calling several childcare ppl,I found out that it would cost me for 4 children to go to daycare then I could make at work.That of course made no sense to him but thank God;he finally started to see that you cant live like hes been living.He honestly didnt see it or maybe he refused to see it.He finally started working again and I started to deal with the finances.The first time I saved up money he asked me how much and with in 2 weeks he spent it,200 dollars.After that I decided that I am not going to tell him that I saved up any money.We now have all of our bills caught up.No we can not ever make up for all the credit cards that he lost,but at least now he sees that you cant just go out and live that way.We have 1 credit card now and we have a car again.Thx to me we saved up several hundred dollars and we paid down on a house and we are going to sign a land contract for it with in a few weeks.I know that he still isnt over his spending habits because when I came up with the money for the house;we had a big argument and he said that was money that he could have had to spend on stuff in case he needed something.He said that he shouldnt have had to scrimp amd sweat on the bills and that He should have been able to get at the money as he needed it.I havent given up on him yet.I am still hoping that he will change.I am going to stay in this marriage as long as I can.Well thats my story. |
| posted by Lexi on 11/27/2007 01:35 PM
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When you are married, everything is shared. Money, responsibilities. He has a job but that money belongs to your family. You both need to be aware of what it is spent on, and both have access to it. You should only have to ask on certain large purchases or pick a certain amount. But it should go both ways. He should be discussing what he spends as well.
This sounds all about control issues.
From a legal standpoint - you need to get your name on everything. Mortgage, cars, accounts. If something happens to him you will not have ownership of anything.
I truly feel for you - and since he wasn't always like this, I hope things change for the better. Do not let your previous bad credit make him treat you like you can't handle money.
Good luck when you talk to him....
And for Barbara - (I am prob not making any friends here!) Seriously? He isn't going to change - please think of your kids futures. Quit paying off his cards - you are just enabling him. If they are not in your name - document it, leave him and let him deal with his mess.
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| posted by Sally on 11/27/2007 06:29 PM
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| No you're right I should.My mom tells me the same thing.I am however a long ways from home and the move with a baby and 3 other children would involve alot of planning and money.What makes it harder I guess is that I have no family and I made 1 friend here so I dont have much support.Well maybe just maybe through sticktuatousness(is that even a word)he will change with his money addiction. |
| posted by Lexi on 11/27/2007 10:21 PM
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Dear Lexi,
I agree, it's time for you to place your children before this selfishness and make a future for them. If you can keep trying to be the 'rescuer' for this man then you certainly have the talents and ability to rescue your children.
They aren't learning anything positive or healthy watching the two of you. Ask yourself..
Is this how you would want a son to grow up to be?
Is this how you would want a daughter to be as an adult?
We don't know if you have girls or boys, either way do you want to raise two more adults with unstable habits?
I would recommend you get spiritual or emotional help and see a financial advisor for yourself.
It's time to grow up whether you choose to stay married to him or not. |
| posted by Tina on 11/28/2007 08:07 AM
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| I agree that unfortunately, many of the situations that have been posted on this page are probably more about control than money. My husband and I work together on our finances and try to both stay aware of what's coming in and what's going out. Since quitting my job to stay home with our daughter, we have fought more often about money (or lack thereof). I just wanted to offer a suggestion, although it may not be a complete solution, it may help a little. I started working with a home based business, just to make a little extra money each month, so that I could contribute financially (and have some spending money of my own!!). I was skeptical, and I've heard so many horror stories about people getting hurt with these types of things, but I checked out a lot of different companies, and this one seemed legit. I have been working with them for about a year and a half now and I have to say it's one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm able to stay home with my daughter, I don't inventory anything, sell anything, or do any of those home parties. And I can work when I want to, around my family's schedule. The best part is that I'm contributing to the finanaces while being a stay at home mom, which is really important to me. I'd be happy to share info about this company with anyone who is interested and could use a little extra money each month. Just let me know. Thanks! |
| posted by SienasMommy on 11/28/2007 12:19 PM
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| Yes you are right.I need to make some decisions and soon.I guess my fear of the unknown and a lil of religious are stopping me from giving up.24 yrs with the first man who did unquestionable things to me and my children and now 3 yrs with this husband.Well Ii would be interested in the At home work.Brandi told me about what she does at home.You and her may be at the same place.Selling non-toxic things for your home is what I checked on yesterday.But yes please let me know what it is that you do also.Im hoping with alot of praying and work that he'll learn that money doesnt make the man being a good dad does/and husband.I cant change him only God can.And thats only with his choices not mine.Ive made up my mind with a time scale and Im going to stick with it until then and hopefully my children will see what Im doing and why. |
| posted by Lexi on 11/28/2007 01:15 PM
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Hi Lexi - Well, it sounds like you're on your way to figuring things out...but I'm sure it will take time, work, and lots of strength. I wish you the best and will keep you and your family in my prayers. Just remember, this is a test, like so many other things in our lives that challenge us. But never forget that God will never give you anything you can't handle.
In response to your post, I'm not sure what company Brandi works with?? If you'd like some more info about the company I'm working with, please feel free to visit my website at www.momswithaplan.com/stacey. You can enter your info, or if you feel more comfortable, you can email me directly (my email address is on the site).
Thanks and many blessings to you and your family! |
| posted by SienasMommy on 11/28/2007 01:41 PM
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| stay at home too, I manage the checking account. It is his just as much as it is mine so we both view the account any time. If one of us spends too much on something, mostly gas he/I sends an email or note and for the most part we have to just take it in stride b/c it's a given, there is NEVER ENOUGH MONEY, EVER! I We both agree not to spend money on unnecessary things, only the bare necessities of life. If we do have a "want" we talk it out before purchasing it that way we avoid the "surprise" that could very much lead to an all out argument. Money most certainly brings up anxieties and insecurities in people so how we deal with it is to have one person run the books and have a standing meeting (that's what we call them) weekly to bring the other person up to date on what is in the account, what we need, what we want so on...It brought a sense of trust into our finances/relationship and allows us to be open with each other |
| posted by Andrea on 12/04/2007 08:48 AM
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