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| Need to Vent Group |
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| Well today my daughter-in-law told me she received her orders to deploy in June. She is in the Army and has been for little over a year. Her and my son seperated 2 years ago and I am raising their 3 yr old son. She comes home about once a month to visit him, but he really misses her. She and I get along pretty well, but we didn't agree on how she was raising her son. She did finally get smart and decide he would be better off with me. I have now had Tyler again for about 3 months. There was a part of me that feared her taking him back again and deep down inside I wished she would get deployed just so I would know the baby would be safe, but now that it's reality I'm just not handling this well. I cry for my grandson. How will he handle not seeing her for 6 months before she gets to come home for a few days before going back? She has no family that cares about her with the exception of my husband and myself, so even though her and my son have split, she is still my grandson's mother. Everyone is telling me this is the best thing for Tyler, but is it? |
| Posted by Nana on 10/29/2007 06:13 PM
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Maybe our members that are in the military can give you a word of advice of how to prepare a child for his parents separation. We have few groups of military family you can join.
Vero |
| posted by Vero on 10/30/2007 10:47 AM
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| I am so sorry to hear that your DIL is getting ready to leave not only for her son but for you and your husband, after all you will be the ones who will take the brundt of the blow since you will have to explain,console, and deal with Tyler's emotions. I know that there are books for little children that try to put it into terms that they can understnad so you may want to talk to your local children's librarian. How does he handle only seeing his mom once a month as it is and does he have more contact with your son? |
| posted by Kyleen on 10/31/2007 05:54 PM
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There is a Sesame Street DVD "Talk, Listen, Connect: Helping Families Cope with Military Deployment" and it is available at no cost to military members and their families at www.sesameworkshop.org/tlc.
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| posted by Amanda on 11/01/2007 10:25 PM
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| Nana how are you all coping????? |
| posted by Kyleen on 11/20/2007 09:44 PM
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| you wished she would deploy? that is horrible to say! I have deployed and i would never wish that upon anybody, especially not a mother!!! After all is said and done, SHE is is mother, not you. Quite often these days you see grandparents trying to take children from perfectly good parents because they are attacthed. I think unless the parent is a danger to the child, then the grandparent needs to back off. How would you have felt if someone tried to fight you for your children? I bet you wouldve walked through hell to keep them with you. I am in the military, as well as my husband. Have a nice day. |
| posted by jaimi on 01/29/2008 02:41 PM
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OK jaimi, i'm sorry but you need to chill out for a sec. You have no idea how her daughter in law is with the boy. She could not be a very good mother and the boy is better off with the grandma. And secondly my hubby was in the military and deployed for a year. It's rough as all get out, i know. Atleast nana is stepping up and taking on the responsabilities of raising her grandson, did you ever thing of that. If this mother would "fight like hell" to keep her child then why didn't she. Maybe she thought that yes her son is truly better with his grandmother. I'm sorry hun but you need to think before you lash out at someone on a subject you know next to nothing about.
As for you nana, my praises to you. It's a huge responsability to raise your grandchild, almost moreso that raising your own children. Tyler will adjust, he is very young and yes he will cry for his mother, and will cry alot, but it will get easier. When she comes home on midtour it will probably start again but hopefully her depolyment won't be exteneded and she will be home soon. Maybe being away will help her realize how much her son needs her and how much she needs him. I pray for you all. |
| posted by Amanda on 02/14/2008 09:40 PM
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| okay, well, thank you for speaking up for something you know nothing about. i wasnt lashing out at anything, except for the fact that she had been hoping her dil would deploy. oh, im sorry.... you think that is appropriate? well, then that speaks highly of your character. again, i would never wish deployment on anyone. if you havent been there, then you have no business acting like you even know what your talking about. |
| posted by jaimi on 02/15/2008 04:20 PM
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| But you did ask what we thought.I have to agree w her.Who are you to decide that you are a better mother figure?Im sorry but Id die for my kids.If you do not tell us why she isnt fit to be in his life ,then we have no other recourse but to question your comments and assume that you think you are better then her.How do we know that you are not a mother-in -law that thinks noone is good enuf to be w your son or raise your grand kids?Or what if you are the kind of mom in law that since she isnt w your son that she isnt no way in hell gonna raise your blood?I know that my x mother in law would have said say the same thing about me.But you know what?I have 8 now and I am a good mom.My children love me and they tell me cause they want too , not because I ask them.You left yourself open to all the critcism because you brought it up and didnt go into detail.Im sorry.I think that when she gets back.God lets hope she does;that you need to give her her son back unless she is court unfit.It was mean of you to want her to be deployed cause you know what happens to ppl once they are.Im sorry about this too.You asked what we thought of you wanting that. |
| posted by Lexi on 02/15/2008 04:36 PM
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| Also 1 more thing about mother in laws.I belong to the SAHM's and i have read about 200 posts about how MIL 's think about themselves and their DIL's.7/8's of the time its all bad. |
| posted by Lexi on 02/15/2008 04:40 PM
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| Well, she is venting here, ladies, but Nana, I have to ask you what is so bad about your DIL that you would number one wish that on her, and number two take her child to raise? I think some of us are a little heated by wishing deployment, but that is you being honest, and secondly because we have dealt with evil mothers-in-law, and are hoping that is not the case here. Some mothers-in-law can't accept the grandparent role and feel no on can parent better than them thus belittle everything the DIL does. I hope that is not the case here. |
| posted by on 02/15/2008 06:01 PM
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| I do not mean to bash you at all. Im just saying, who are you to say whether she is fit or not to be a mother. Please just understand that we do not know her or you and can only go off of the minimal info that is provided. Have a wonderful day. Everything always works out.... |
| posted by jaimi on 02/15/2008 09:42 PM
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| im also wondering where is your son in all of this parenting? |
| posted by jaimi on 02/15/2008 11:38 PM
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| I read my hubby all of these posts.3 xs now I have shared this site w him. I usually do not share this site w him but it bothered me whether or not I was out of line or not.He asked several questions.Where is your son at Nana?Why did she give you her son?What part did he"your son" play in all this?Why would a woman go into the military after having a child?What did you do to her to make her see the light and get smart?Blackmail?Those are his questions.I left my daughter in her swing in front of the TV.She loved it.I left my daughter in front of the TV in her bouncer.She loved it.I let my daughter watch TV in her high chair while eating snacks and meals of the day.I let her take her naps on a pallet in front of the TV during the day.All my kids had the TV as a babysitter.And I know; I am a damn good mom.I hate to tell you this but it helps em at that age.It helps em w sounds and talking faster.Thx God for Nick.Thx god for PBS.My kids are smarter because I let em stay in front of the TV.You were a DIL once.Did your mom or MIL treat you like you are treating your x-DIL?Something to think about. |
| posted by Lexi on 02/17/2008 11:35 PM
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| I honestly didn't mean to stir things up, but I understand how you can bash me for wishing that. If you have a while I will tell you more (not that it make any more sense). My son and Misty (dil) decided at the age of 16 to plan to have a baby, neither one finished school or had a job...They got pregnant and she moved in with us. My dil was diagnosed bipolar at the age of 14 for trying to kill her little brother and was institutionalized for a few months. during her pregnancy she kept having anxiety attacks so the Dr kept her on anti depressants. I was in delivery when Tyler was born c-section. For the first two months of his life he opened his eyes maybe 12 times. He was withdrawing from all the meds. My son and dil split when Tyler was 6 months old. She took Tyler and moved away. I kept in close contact with her. She stayed away until Tyler turned a year old. At that time my husband and I offered to let her and Tyler live with us. I bought a new car and GAVE her my old one. She got her GED and decided to join the Army. We kept Tyler while she was in basic and school. We drove from TX to South Carolina for her graduation and then she went to Missouri for School. We drove up there for graduation. At this time we had, had Tyler for 9 months. She got stationed in Louisiana which is only 2.5 hours from our house. She got settled in and on Mother's Day she came and got Tyler. I knew this was going to happen but it hurt all the same. Well this lasted all of three months and she decided she liked coming and going without the responsibility of a child. She had so many men in and out of his life while he was there. On Tyler's 3rd Birthday, she asked us if we would take him back until she got on her feet. We tried to help her, we pay for her cell phone, I bought groceries while she had the baby, I bought gas for her car, but she insisted on paying for the attention of the men in her life which kept her bank account negative. No, my son wasn't helping her out so I felt obligated to make up for him. My son wants to be a dad only when it's good for him. Of course we took Tyler back. We started noticing something different about him, he would bite himself, poke his self in the eye, and hit himself. He would hurt other children and play alone. He would sit for hours and work puzzles and was very OCD. I talked to my dil about this and she laughed and said finally he is taking up for himself and now he is like him mom. I knew then she didn't think this was serious and would not agree to have him checked out by his Dr. I have a medical Power of Attorney so I took him without her knowing. Tyler is Autistic. I kept waiting for my dil to come visit with Tyler without bringing a guy with her so we could sit and talk, Thanksgiving came she didn't visit, Christmas came she made excuses not to come, New Years same thing. Finally in January she came and we sat her down and told her. She was so angry and in denial (which I expected and understood). I had print outs for her to read to better understand Autism, but to this day she won't read them. Tyler has to go to Physical Therapy 3 times a week and to speech everyday. He is on medication to keep him from harming himself and others and is doing awesome. My dil said she can handle him without the medication. I can't get her to understand that it's not about her...it's about him and his needs. If she takes him she will not get him the help he needs. I have him in a private Pre-School and he has excelled so much, he amazes us everyday with what he can do. He also has a 50percent chance of having MD but she said she don't want to have him tested because she doesn't want anyone treating him any different. We have tried so hard talking to her and getting her to understand, but she is headstrong and young and right now it's all about her. Tyler knows he lives with Nana and Papa and he visits Mommy's home, but if you know anything about Autism, you have to have a routine and keep them on it. Trust me it hasn't been easy for me and my husband, but while we have Tyler we know our life isn't our own, it's his and we will do what ever it takes to make sure he gets the help he needs to succeed in life. And by the way, she is no longer deploying but has orders to go to New York where she plans on taking Tyler. I have already spoke to a lawyer about getting custody of Tyler, and I honestly don't care what anyone thinks of me, but I am just doing what is best for my grandson. I have two other grandsons who live with my daughter and son in law and I don't butt in their lives, But if I felt they weren't treating my grandson right you better believe I would do what I had to, to make sure something was done. As far as my son goes....he sends me money to help with support but he isn't in Tyler's life either, but he does know he is better off with me and is willing to sign over custody to me because he knows he doesn't want the responsibility. My dil wants to be a good mom, but she is young and needs time to grow...... |
| posted by Nana on 02/19/2008 06:53 PM
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| Nana, you are justified in everything, I dealt with the same situation with my hubbies ex wife and their kid, hubbies ex is bi polar and refuses to tsake her meds on a reg basis, so she is never on an even keele. You keep doing what you are doing for that little boy, it seems like he needs you very much, and you guys are the only stability he has or will ever know. As far as wishing her to deploy, it was harsh, but I have wished far worse on my hubbies ex, even though I know it is also wrong to do so. Good job with what you are doing for Tyler! |
| posted by on 02/19/2008 07:42 PM
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Nana,
Thank GOD you and your husband are the one CONSTANT in your grandson's life. He NEEDS you because without you I am certain his life will be one of reckless abandon. I will pray for ALL of you.
Your dil is not yet mature enough to see that the best thing for her son is a stable environment. I am saddened that she CHOOSES to take a blind eye to all that is going on around her. It sounds as though she is lost in her own problems, because no one in their right mind would not want the best for their child. Having said that, I am sure she is doing the best she can with what she KNOWS to do. There is a certain level of maturity that comes with age and perhaps she is just not there yet...or ready yet? I feel for her as much as I feel for you and your husband. It is a HUGE responsibility to raise a child as you are well aware, but it is only made larger when the child has a disability. While your son may not want anything to do with your grandson, I hope that he matures to a level that he sees that a few dollars here and there will not make up for the valuable time lost...the time he COULD be spending with his son. He, too, must take responsibility for his actions. You should encourage that with him. It is not only your responsibility as his parent, but it is also your responsibility to your grandson.
However, it is NOT your responsibility to care for your grandchildren, but I know you feel the need out of obligation and love of your grandson.
I hope, as time moves on, you and your husband would be able to adopt this precious life, because you all are all he has. I am only worried that if something should ever happen to you, what would become of your grandson...an unwanted child by his father and a child of convenience for his mother. How awful.
In all fairness to your dil and son, I am certain they have their side of the story as well. BUT, I hope they see the greatness in all that you are doing for them for the sake of your grandson. I pray all hearts are mended over time and a new relationship be granted to all.
I hope you know I do not mean to pass judgement (although it is human nature) on you or any member of your family. We ALL have our disfuntional families...just some of us are not as brave as others to share their family wounds and seek help.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. My heart goes out to you and your entire family. |
| posted by H on 02/19/2008 09:41 PM
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| Ty Nana for explaining.I am going to say something that is really off color.Did something happen to that lil boy while he was w her and her many bfs?Did he seem to be autistic before you noticed it in him?Do you think that mabye her or one of her bfs shook him hit or him in the head and hurt him?I only ask because nothing was mentioned when he was younger.Autism shows up about 11 to 13 months.You can tell by the behavior patterns.My best friend said that is when she noticed her son was.That is a very sad story.I have to agree w you now that I have heard the whole story.You deserve to take care of that boy,not her.I hope and pray that something will come of the tests and you and your hubby will be awarded custody.Wishing that she would be deployed was a lil harsh,but I can totally sympothize w you and the reason you wished it on her now.I hope that 1 day your son will want to be a real dad.Sometimes it just doesnt work out the way we want it.It is too sad that you cant get a lawyer and prove her to be unfit and get total custody of Tyler because it sounds like he may be in danger because she cannot provide for his needs in a way that is required.Sorry if I sounded mean but we didnt have the whole story and now we do. |
| posted by Lexi on 02/19/2008 10:52 PM
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Lexi I have thought about that as well, but he did show symptoms early on when I had him while she was in basic. His Pre-School tried to tell he they were seeing signs of Autism, but yes at that time I was in denial, I kept thinking it's just because of the way his life had been and him just acting out. Now that he is older, I see the signs and had to face it. We took him to a specialist who confirmed this and today we go for an EEG to check for seizures and the severity of PDD.
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| posted by Nana on 02/20/2008 07:48 AM
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| ok, now i toooootally understand. i am so sorry for your situation. just have faith and pray. god doesnt give us anything we cannot handle... sometimes it sure seems like it though, doesnt it? I wish you the best and if what you have stated is true, then fight like hell for him. hugs to you |
| posted by jaimi on 02/20/2008 09:49 AM
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