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| Need to Vent Group |
| Public online group |
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I guess I belong here - but you could call my group the-failure-as-a-mother-hate-my-life-hopeless-lost-mom-following-all-my-mothers-bad-traits-that-i-hated-as-a-kid-and-now-as-an-adult-too-despairing-at-what-I-have-become-group!
I all do these days is nag at my kids about what to do and what not to do and clean the house and sometimes make meals. None of these things bring me ANY satisfaction what so ever. I do not get a thrill out having a clean house, only a little satisfaction for presenting a dinner that makes ALL members of my family happy (NEVER happens - everyone has different tastes, especially me and my husband. I like vegi's and light meals, dh is meat and potatoes and sloppy joes!). And nagging at my family has become a cancer to my heart. So I look to my husband for recognition and approval and validation. Which I found is fruitless because he considers this is my job - he doesn't realise that you never complete anything or feel the feeling of accomplishment, at least I dont. Dont get me wrong I actually have a very good husband, I have said that he is a genuine good guy. But he is a bit obtuse about SAHM work. I went away for a weekend for the first time in over two years and the morning I had to leave he just drove away with out asking me what was to happen with the kids. So I called him and said din't you want to know what you have to do - he said "What's there to do - they eay, they pee, they sleep!". So that sums it up in his mind about the difficulty of being a SAHM!
I hope to keep in contact with people and help myself build some self respect and self validation that I am important and valued. I hope to find kindered souls who will let me know how they get through these bad times. It's hard - I know what is right, correct, and how I SHOULD be doing things - but I just don't have the energy, or will=power. |
| Posted by Overwhelmed on 10/21/2007 11:08 AM
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| Please do not be so hard on yourself, being a SAHM is the hardest,most underpaid,underappreciated job in the world and people give no credit,especially those you are working the hardest for. I know that it is an endless cycle of laundry,dishes,vaccumming and other household chores and as soon as you get one accomplished and move on to the next the first thing that you accomplished is now being dirtied up again. Please tell us about your typical day. I have found that when I am so overwhelmed with everything that I needed to start making lists and scheduling my day better, organization was the key but the other key was not being so hard on myself when some things did not get done. Life is a trade off and if the dishes do not get done because I sang songs with my son or read books or did some other activity just to wear him out then the dishes just did not get done. The thing is that when you are that overwhelmed and frustrated you tend to feel and act paralized by thefeelings (atleast I know that is how I felt) I have dealt with depression all my life and after I had my son and lost my grandfather and father that same year then a pregnancy the following year I was at my breaking point so I started taking a herbal suppliment called St.John's wart (you can get it at any drug store or even Wal-mart and K-mart) it comes in pill form or a liquid that you can squirt into any drink. Anyway after taking that for a few weeks my anxiety started to dimish slightly just enough for me to focus on taking control of my life. Life is about the little victories (especially for SAHM) and if those little victories (not snapping at the children for an hour straight or taking the trash out or any of the other millions of things that you do all day long) can be appreciated by you then you are starting to take more control over your life. |
| posted by Kyleen on 10/21/2007 12:43 PM
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In general it is better to count on self-validation more than expect kids, husband or parents to do it.
You should start validating yourself more because you care and you take care of others...you just have to remember to take care of yourself.
If it implies taking herbal remedies, make some time for yourself or take life with a sense of irony... well try whatever it works. The point is there are ways to change a state of mind and look at life from the bright angle.
Vero
Vero |
| posted by Vero on 10/21/2007 02:38 PM
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| Although I agree with Vero that the ultimate goal is self appreciation we have to face the facts that when we continue to do the millions of things that we do without even the slightest bit of acknowledgement from anyone we tend to believe that it does not matter. Obviously we want to take pride in what we do but you do have to admit that it is nice to be praised for your work (just like a 9-5 person) the thing is we do not get a raise or p[romotion once you are a SAHM you have no where else to go other than out in the world to work and this job is so much more important than any 9-5 job. |
| posted by Kyleen on 10/21/2007 08:36 PM
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Dear Overwhelmed,
I can really relate with how you are feeling. I have six children (14-25) and have felt overwhelmed plenty of times.
I have long given up getting recognition, approval, and validation from my husband or anyone else.
I live my life for God, for He has entrusted me with the care of six of His precious children to raise for Him. I have no need for anyone else's recognition, approval, or validation. Knowing that the Almighty God personally called me to be a wife and mother is good enough for me!
Here is a poem by Roy Lessin that has comforted me many, many, many times. It is entitled, "Continue On".
A woman once fretted over the usefulness of her life. She feared she was wasting her potential being a devoted wife and mother. She wondered if the time and energy she invested in her husband and children would make a difference.
At times she got discouraged because so much of what she did seemed to go unnoticed and unappreciated. "Is it worth it?" she often wondered. "Is there something better that I could be doing with my time?"
It was during these moments of questioning that she heard the still small voice of her heavenly Father speak to her heart. "You are a wife and mother because that is what I have called you to be. Much of what you do is hidden from the public eye. But I notice. Most of what you give is done without remuneration. But I am your reward.
Your husband cannot be the man I have called him to be without your support. Your influence upon him is greater than you think and more powerful than you will ever know. I bless him through your service and honor him through your love. Your children are precious to Me. Even more precious than they are to you. I have entrusted them to your care to raise for Me. What you invest in them is an offering to Me.
You may never be in the public spotlight. But your obedience shines as a bright light before Me. Continue on. Remember you are My servant. Do all to please Me."
Remember to just take it one day at a time.
Each day is a new day.
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| posted by Sandy on 10/23/2007 04:17 PM
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| Sandy thanks for the poem it is now on my refridgerator! |
| posted by Kyleen on 10/24/2007 10:49 AM
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Thank you to everyone who has replied to my initial message. I agree with Vero that I must self-validate. Also as Kyleen says - It is hard to remember to do when this is such a thankless job. My husband does countless little things that I clean up and he only notices what I don't do. He's not mean or difficult about it when I dont cook, or clean up the house nicely. He just doesn't seem to realise how much he adds to the mess, and how easily he could help me (like leaving his shoes on the living room floor, shirts on the back of the chairs, socks in the bathroom, recyclables on the kitchen counter, and so on), I try constantly to self-validate, but often it is a lost cause. I get mired in a rut where I cannot find one good thing about myself, and I honestly DO NOT get ANY satisfaction for myself out me cleaning a house or cooking well-done meal. While I appreciate those accomplishments - they do not meet any of my own needs. I do not have time to do things that do satisfy my esteem.
I am going ot just have to make the time, but really it is a money issue. I have to pay someone to watch my kids so that I may ride my horse, or pay someone to give me art lessons (I have minor talent which I( would like to expand).
I feel that I just set myself up for circlular arguments and a martyrs life - perhaps this group will help. |
| posted by Overwhelmed on 11/02/2007 11:58 AM
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