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My teenage son has been hanging out after school everyday with a Junior girl, he is only a sophmore. That part doesnt bother me so much. They talk online when they get home and text message eachother all the time. He says that she is his best friend and they lean on eachother. I think this girl comes from a bad home life, and her parents are never home. He wanted to go over to her house and I said not until I meet her, and not if her parents arent home. So, He brought her home after school yesterday. My husband and I planned to take them out for pizza to get to know her a little and then drop them off at the Football game for the night to enjoy with their friends. Well, here is how it went, I want advice as to if I was wrong or not.
He brought her home, they immediately wanted to leave and go hang out at the park. I said fine as long as they are back by 4:30, so we can take them out for pizza and still have time to drop them off at the game. Well, 4:45, can around, still no sign of them. We found them at the park and my son said she does not want to go out to dinner with us, she is not comfortable. We felt insulted and also thought this to be very inmature for a 17 year old girl. What do you think? One, I was upset with my son for not be responsible and coming back home and telling us, when we asked him to be home at a certain time. So we dropped her off and took my son to dinner alone. He was crying the whole time, telling us we were wrong for inviting her to dinner and putting her on the spot. I feel like it is important to know who my son is hanging out with so much, am I wrong? Should I have not invited her to dinner? I feel like this girl could be a bad influence on my son, so I am concerned. He says they are only friends and that they do not like eachother that way. Any advice would be so great! Thanks! |
| Posted by Jennifer on 10/20/2007 11:28 AM
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| He is a male point of view, I had many friends that were girls that I didn't like in that way so it does happen and I know a lot of girls that had a lot of male friends and it was just that friendship. No it's not wrong of you to want to know who your son is hanging out with but I would say don't push the issue let her warm up to you suggest that your son bring her by like once a week after school for a snack, she will most likely warm up to her especially if you don't treat her as an out sider. Remember is she is from a bad home that she may not be use to people being nice to her so maybe she did feel put on the spot. Yes your son should have gone back to the house at the time you asked and her along with him to explain that she was declining your invitation however again if she is from a bad home maybe she wasn't taught how to respectfully decline an invite. Talk to your son about her a little more I am sure he knows just about all there is to know about her if they are infact "best friends" get a little insight from him about her. I hope you find some of this helpful. Please let me know how things go with this situation. |
| posted by Patrick on 10/20/2007 11:50 AM
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| Thanks Patrick for that insight. My problem is it took forever just for him to agree to bring her home yesterday. My son says the kids he hangs out with dont have to meet parents, he says it is uncool. I dont think she will agree to come after school once a week. She does live far, so she would have to take the bus home with my son and I would have to drive her home, which is no problem for me but I think it will be for her. |
| posted by Jennifer on 10/20/2007 12:00 PM
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| I do understand the "uncool" thing my kids say it to me. He will someday understand. It sounds to me that you and your husband are pretty cool not all parents will invite a friend out to dinner, maybe if you have him invite more than just her to dinner she would feel better ya know like a couple of his friends that they both hang out with in school. |
| posted by Patrick on 10/20/2007 12:14 PM
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If this young lady does come from a difficult home, she may not be comfortable around adults. I don't think you were wrong for inviting her to dinner to get to know her. I do think it was disrespectful and impolite for your son not to show up at the appointed time and talk about it with you.
I think I would want my son to bring the girl home with him often and we could get to know each other gradually. Let her learn that you are a safe adult, by giving her time to see that.
Your son may be mature enough at this age for you to discuss your concerns about the influence she, or anyone else, has over him. Let him know what you think, but that you realize that he has to make decisions about his friends on his own. Invite him to ask you ANYTHING, assuring him that you will guide him the best you know how and not get ion to him for what he's asking about (drugs, sex, illegal behavior).
Having said all that - I've not yet encountered a situation like this with my kids, so take what you can use from that, and leave the rest. |
| posted by Kelly on 10/20/2007 03:24 PM
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| My daughter had lots of guy friends when she was in school but that all they were some of the boys would of like to of been more, she would invite them to the house and they would hang out together. When I was in school girl hang with girls and boys with boys but now days it differ my other daughter had a mix group of friends and the boy were just as good as friend as the girls. Keep in mind that a lot of girls don't feel comfortable eating in front of people it might take some time knowing you before she feel like she can eat with you. I agree with the other parent your son should of came home and let you know what was up. I've seen it a lot where boys and girls are just good friend and that all. Just get to know the girl better good luck. |
| posted by Kellie on 10/20/2007 11:48 PM
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Jennifer, don't feel bad. Our kids like making us feel guilty about anything and everything. When my son is at the park, he is to call if he is running late. They lose track of time when they are having a good time. My son feels the same way about his friends parents-us meeting them, them meeting us. It is "uncool".
There are many parents like you and me who are involved in knowing who our children hang out with, the kids parents, phone numbers, destinations. It is our job as parents to do this. Our children unfortunetly, don't understand that.
In our household, nobody is allowed in our home without meeting their parents or at least one of them.
"Samantha" and my son are the best of friends. It took her 6 months to accept our dinner invitation in which her older sister as well as her father came. They met us, and we met them. "Samantha" comes from a broken home. It wasn't her fault by the way she acted. It is the way she is being raised . No parental guidance. No love.
Give it time. When your son brings her over, have small snacks at your home already on the table. Ask a few questions here and there, and nothing more. If you pry to much your son might alienate you.
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| posted by esther on 10/21/2007 12:18 AM
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| Thanks everyone for the great advice! I am going to try it again with just baby steps. I guess I am really worried about the way he has been changing since he started getting close with this girl... he has been getting a real additude and a potty mouth. I noticed a text message that she wrote him saying that we think she is a skank! Who even talks like that? My husband and I are really worried about her influence. My son is an extremely sensitive boy, not a "Boy, Boy" if that makes sense. So all the girls come to him with their problems. It is starting to affect him. Girls seem to be so much meanier then boys. Apparently they all call eachother "Bitches" and "Sluts", He seems to be getting pulled into it. And YES, they have a way of making us feel guilty about everything! and I fall for it everytime! |
| posted by Jennifer on 10/21/2007 09:57 AM
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