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| Stay at Home Mom's Group |
| Public group from Baltimore, MD |
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OK Ladies,I'm in dire need of some good ,effective advice. I have four kids, a husband and my dad. The kids range from 5 months to 12 yrs. Except for the baby,not a one will clean up after theirselves,or pick something off the floor. Nothing! I have exploded,I have reasoned ,I have put out reward programs (for the kids),I have punished. I have even gone on strike and they let the house fall apart and did not blink an eye. I am out of ideas. When I point out my need for help,especially to my husband, they look at me like I have three heads. HELP!
Christine |
| Posted by chris on 10/15/2007 10:30 AM
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| Hi Chris, just wondering how things have been going for you on this issue. Hopefully better, if not, let me know and maybe we can brainstorm and figure out a plan! If all their toys and recreational activities are taken away and they get no desserts and candy etc, do they still not clean up after themselves? |
| posted by neely on 01/10/2008 11:21 PM
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| Hi Neely, Thank you for your concern. Things around here are more hectic than ever. My husbad works a lot,so I'm here with the children by myself and I think they unconsciously take advantage of that. By that I mean, if I don't stand and watch them do as I ask, they don't do what I ask. So it may be minutes or hours before I realize the job was not done. Teaching them to be respectable and trustworthy is hard,especially when I'm so busy. I try to give individual time,but that is not always possible. |
| posted by chris on 01/13/2008 11:16 PM
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| Chris, I saw this on Surviving motherhood the other day, the moms and expert suggested that there be a Donate box where the toys will go if they kids do not pick up after themselves. I guess for the older ones, this might really make a difference if they see how many of their belongings will go to someone who can use them and not just treat the items like trash or junk. Dont let the Clean House crew have to visit you, he ehee, just teasing. |
| posted by neely on 01/31/2008 02:18 PM
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| I do have a donation box and it seems to work especially for my daughter. My main struggle is with clothing and dishes and trash. Don't get me wrong,my house is not a sty but it could be cleaner. I guess with seven people my expectations are higher than they should be. When seven people have one days of dirty clothes,that's two loads. I don't know how the Duggers in Arkansas do it,with seventeen kids. Thanks for your tips. Chris |
| posted by chris on 02/04/2008 10:31 PM
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| Hey Chris, just wondering how things are with you these days. Have things improved any? |
| posted by neely on 03/13/2008 03:37 PM
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| Hi, things are improving with my two boys, but my daughter is a challenge.My husband is a lost cause. My dad has been moved to a smaller bedroom, so his mess has been concentrated to a smaller area. I'm still going to be persistent with my daughter. If I quit, she will quit. |
| posted by chris on 03/14/2008 11:32 AM
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Oh no, dad too!!! I didn't know you had that to deal with as well, but being older you would think he would know better and dump his garbage in the trash and neatly pile his dirty clothes or papers in a corner hamper and box. I'm just guessing but I hope he isn't all that bad. I see your daughter is about 6/7 years old, so she is probably pretty stubborn right now too, but you have the best attitude, if you quit so will she and you are hanging in there! She must have a weak spot - take away tv, snacks, playdates, any privileges until she gets with it, lol. But seriously, kids need to know who is in charge, and that they cannot and will not rule over their parents. Kids copy what big people do too, so we are held accountable by our own actions. If we want to teach our kids how to behave, we have to be that model example as tiring as it can be at times!
That's good news about the bigger boys getting better, keep at it mom, they need you to make them be responsible people and they will thank you in the end or at least smile when they are older. |
| posted by neely on 03/15/2008 03:53 PM
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| Thank you all for your advice and support. I'd like to put another question out there. My husband believes that since he leaves the house to go to work, he has no reponsibilities here. So when its time for bed, he's on the couch. Getting ready to go any where, he's no where to be found. When I do mention that I need his help, he charges through here like Fred Flinstone stomping and yelling for everyone to get ready.We have been together for 22 years and I love him dearly, but his laziness and unwillingness to be involved with us is very unsettling.If I say something he dismisses me by saying"oh stop it". I hate that. When its football season, forget it, we become orphans and a widow. He will give the shirt off his back for strangers,but hardly the time of day for us. Am I making to much of this or should he help out around here. I feel like I am alone in this house,me against them, and I'm losing. |
| posted by chris on 03/16/2008 10:41 PM
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Oh Chris, this has been going on too long, 22 years, whew! Sadly, I think the saying that you can't teach an old dog new tricks may be appropriate here. WRONG but appropriate. I think he might have got used to just not doing anything and now, he just isn't interested. But I will encourage you to have a few small chats with him and ask him to do just one thing a week extra, or new since he hasn't really been helping much. Not sure what you would like him to do but perhaps, after a nice dinner say, "honey, it would really mean a lot to me if you helped clear the dishes or even wash them (dishwasher?) once a week, do you think you could do that so that I can have a few spare minutes to"....say put up some clean laundry or clip or paint your nails (whatever you may want to do).
For me, I have to be very specific with my husband about what I ask him to do else, he will not complete the job as I want. If I tell him put his dishes in the sink, he will, but I also want him to soak it if there is stuff in there...so I have to ask two things...grrrr. Or if I want him to put the trash out, I have to remind him the night before the garbage truck comes by...and still he doesn't always do it, and we are married less than 2 years :-)
And with the baby, if I say change the diaper, he won't put vaseline or powder on the baby unless I say so too.
Men just get used to letting the woman deal with things when the woman shows that she is capable. So sometimes we have to pretend we can't do as much, just to get them to step it up a little and to praise them over and over for doing the simplest thing. That's not easy for me to do since I have little to work with ha ha. |
| posted by neely on 03/16/2008 11:31 PM
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| I have to tell him step by step too. But my feeling is ,he's 43 why do I have to tell him how to do something the same way I would tell my 6 yr old. Its time he grew up and did things like a grown up and not a child. He often says stop treating him like a child. If he's going to act like one why shouldn't I treat him like one? Right? I try not to treat him badly or belittle him but gees its so frustrating when I see my kids doing exactly what he's doing. He wants me to be his mother,do EVERYTHING for him,and i refuse. He is a grown man. His mom did and still does for him. All he has to say is mom I can't and she does. He took our kids and himself to her house for the past few mothers days and she cooked them dinner. She s a nut too. |
| posted by chris on 03/16/2008 11:49 PM
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| Ha ha, I think we are married to the same man! My hubby is totally spoiled by how his mother allowed him to be. He refuses to grow up and his mother just turns a blind eye to all that he does or doesn't do as is the case. But, again, men generally like to feel that they are in charge or are very appreciated. So with that in mind, even if you have to spell it out...as long as he does what you want, count it as a victory in a sense. It's lame but if it gets the job done, and after all, this has been going on a long time. Just ask him to do more if you need more help with stuff. But I feel your pain, believe me I do. My husband does NOTHING unless I ask, and even then it is not a guarantee. I am sure there are some others out there who are in the same boat. Hang in there though. |
| posted by neely on 03/19/2008 12:31 AM
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| Thank you,sometimes it's a big relief just knowing I'm not the only person going through frustrating situations. |
| posted by chris on 03/19/2008 09:34 AM
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| Chris, it has been a while, look for me online on AIM with username aneelacasandra and say hi if you see me or neel231988@yahoo.com for yahoo chat. |
| posted by neely on 05/22/2008 03:52 PM
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Chris, it sounds like you have gotten a lot of great advise. The one thing that is the common thread is a CONSEQUENCE LEVEL. For example the toy donation box. I was extremely overwhelmed when I came home from the hospital after giving birth to my Son almost 3 years ago. My Daughter is now 5 and my Son will be 3 Oct 31st.
When I got home I just wanted to cry the house was a complete mess, our lovely newborn Son was feeding every 2 hours and well Charlyne was only 2 1/2. There were no Grandparents or Aunts or Friends to help. In addition my thryoid levels were extremely low causing me to be hypothryoid so I had depression and fatigue.
Anyway the point of this story is a friend of mine who raised 3 kids all now grown and 2 with kids of their own gave me some great advice.
She said don't yell, don't complain just act. She told me when Jacob woke up to be fed don't ask my husband to feed him or help out just tell him. LOL I remember one night he was sound asleep and Jacob was crying I got up and just handed him our Son and laid back down. Guess what no fighting, no pleading nothing he took over and fed him.
Also as the kids got older she said make sure there is a consequence level. I had tried yelling, time out blah blah blah. But when I said a toy was getting given away guess what the behavior stopped. Well not the first time I had to give that toy away but my Daughter was maybe just 3. I forget even what she was doing LOL but to this day and she is 5 if she starts to get out of control and let's face it what 5 year old doesn't at times if I say I'm going to give a toy away it works.
And well with husbands she said don't ask just do. LOL so when I am exhaused sometimes I won't make dinner and I don't apologize or try to explain my day. Just let him realize it is time to call for take out. ;)
As for the housework well I still haven't figured out how to get a man to do that one. But hey if I'm getting a bit of help with diaper changes and nights we do take out I can handle the cleaning. Oh but what you can ignore is washing your husband's clothes. Don't fuss, don't fight and don't explain how hard you worked. Just let it pile up and sweetly smile when it needs to be done and say well hon I guess it is time to buy new clothes or wash them LOL.
Mine does do his laundry now ;)
Keep us posted because you really have a lot on your plate. My Mom use to say you have to command not demand respect. LOL now that said she use to yell at times I think most of us do cause I know I do. But when it isn't a typical thing then it really gets attention. I still remember when my Mom would yell we all took notice ;)
Hope that helps
PS I just wanted to add Husband's are a bit different than kids. The friend who told me to just give my Husband our newborn when he needed feeding was going on 38 yrs of married experience. I still remember her saying don't cry, don't yell, don't complain just say here Dear and hand him the Baby. Men are wired differently as she has explained to me. They just tune out those emotions and figure it is "woman issues" but if you can figure out how to just tell them what to do it works.
For example I do all the holiday's. My parents are in Heaven so it is always His family. Now we are the only one with kids and I do love having Thanksgiving, Christmas and Birthday's at our house but all the work falls on me. So this year when my Daughter turned 5 I told my Husband I wasn't going to give her a birthday party. I'm telling you it was killing me inside because I wanted her to have those memories. Well guess what my Husband called around and found out Boston Market delivers. He asked if he ordered the food would I give her a party LOL I said well I still have all the housework to do by myself and get 2 kids dressed. So he even helped out there too. So hang in there it takes some time but you can make changes.
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| posted by Mary Ellen on 08/14/2008 03:41 AM
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