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| First Time Moms |
| Public online group |
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Hi everybody,
We recently had to make a big move, from Illinois to montana where i'm from, for financial reasons. I was only working 3 days a week in illinois and katie was only in daycare for those 3 days. Now to catch up on our past due bills i have to work 40 hrs a week and my hubby is working about 60. Katie is in daycare 5 days a week from 730 to 5, and the last two weekends she's been with my parents becuase i'm so exhausted that all i do all weekend is sleep. I feel like i'm losing my daughter. When i went to my parents this weekend she had started rolling completely over, and i missed it the first time she did it. Now i feel like i'm going to miss all of her firsts, like crawling and walking and talking. And sometimes i feel like katie prefers her daycare lady and my mother to me. It's driving me crazy...but when i started my job i made the commitment to 40 hrs a week. I've only been there two weeks and it's tearing me up inside. on the drive back from my parents house (they live 2 hours away) i cried the whole drive. My husband doesn't understand how i feel becuase he's worked 60 hrs a week since she was born. Any advice on how to tell my boss i need to cut back my hours? How do you other working moms deal with this, it's breaking my heart to not spend quality time with my baby. |
| Posted by Amanda on 09/24/2007 08:38 PM
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Hi there,
I was touched by your email and can hear how upset you are. While I do not have any answers, here are my thoughts: #1) you're never going to "lose" your daughter. The reality is that even kids whose parents beat the bejesus out of them seek love and acknowledgment from mom and dad. Granted, you're not doing that (it was just to make a point), so your little baby girl's heart belongs to you! #2) Since I do not know your financial situation, I'm wondering: Can you afford to cut down on your hours? I kinda get the impression that this is possible. If so, you need to find out from your boss if this is possible. Worse case scenario, he/she says, "No," and you have to make a choice -- either set yourself a short term goal for how long you need to keep up these 40 hour weeks in order to catch up on your bills or find another job where the amount of hours are do-able for you. #3) I hear you saying that your husband doesn't understand how you feel, but it sounds like you understand why he doesn't get it. Bottom line is that you're not a juggler. Most people aren't. I know it sounds cheesy, but think about all the balls you need to juggle in mid-air: your child, your relationship with your husband, friends, work, your family, etc... and of course don't forget about YOU! Maybe sitting down and discussing with your husband and discussing your priorities (I'm sure your little girl will be the first on your list) will help him to realize that you both might have to make some changes.
I don't know if any of this helps. You're a great mom because you care about all of this in the first place.
Tara :) |
| posted by Tara on 09/24/2007 09:59 PM
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I agree. You are a great mom just for being concerned. I too had to go back to work--when my son was just 6 weeks old. I am fortunate because I work in an enviornment where I can bring him in on some Fridays. I haven't actually talked with my boss about this, but I think as long as my clients are happy, then I can keep doing it. Fortunatley, I have WONDERFUL clients.
I don't really have any advice on how to cut back your hours (if you figure that one out, let me know:), but I did want to comment on "missing" out on firsts. I completley understand how you feel. I DID feel the exact same way, but I've heard that it helps to ask your day care or nanny or MIL or whomever is caring for your child while you're at work to not tell you about the firsts. This makes you feel like the 2nd or 5th or 10th time your baby does something feel like the first to you. When I see my son do something "new," I know it might actually be the first time he's done it. I cherish these moments and know that they WILL happen again.
Good luck. I know everything will work out for you.
Liz |
| posted by Liz on 09/24/2007 10:20 PM
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Hi Amanda,
I was fortunate to be able to stay at home with my son until he was 3-months old. Everyone told me that the first two weeks of work would be the harderst. He's almost 8-months old and everyday is hard. I'm able to work four days a week but I had told my employer that this was all I could work. I think you should explain to your boss that you would like to cut back on your hours. If they are not willing to work with you, then maybe you need to look for another job. However, don't feel bad about not spending enough time with your daughter or missing her firsts. I missed the first few times my son rolled over even though I was home with me. I know it's hard to take some time for yourself but if you don't take good care of yourself you can't take good care of your daugther. I sometimes feel guilty when I take some time off to myself or when my son spends the night at my parents. Just think that she is getting good quality time with her grandparents. At the day care, she gets to socialize and play with other kids. I hope this helps and good luck to you. |
| posted by Monique on 09/25/2007 02:21 AM
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| Hi, Amanda. I know exactly how you feel. I too have to work 40 hrs/week. It was extremely hard the first few weeks, but gets easier---it still sucks, but I guess I am used to it now. I agree with not having people tell you about the firsts. A friend of mine also suggested I pack a disposable camera in the diaper bag just in case there is a milestone or something special happens while at work, it can be captured. As far as your boss/job---is there any way you might be able to telecommute a day or two per week? I am not lucky enough to have a job that offers that, but I was able to switch my hours so that I work earlier...this way I get to spend more time with my son while he is awake. |
| posted by Jacquelyn on 09/25/2007 11:28 AM
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| I agree with all the other moms and I know how you feel...i work three days a week but two of those days i work like 10 to 12 hours...i am also a full time student, so i have alot on my plate...it is very hard to be away from my son because i was also lucky enough to get to be home with him for the first three months...the way i deal with it is...while he is with his daycare provider he is interacting with other kids which is a good thing...and he is getting use to be around others...everyday i miss him and can't wait to get home to see him...don't beat urself up because in this day and age many of us have to work to support our family...keep telling yourself your a good mom and it will show...you will never lose your daughters love...i too felt like that...my son loves the lady who watches him and at first it kinda broke my heart that everytime i dropped him off he would go right to her and it was like i wasn't even there...but i realized it was a good thing because he was comfortable with her and she was doing a good job...i would suggest to talk to your boss and see if you can work something out with them...also i agree about not having whoever is watching your daughter about tellling you if she accomplished a milestone...just last week my son learned to crawl will i was in class and i came home and he crawled over to me and i was so excited because i thought it was the first time...come to find out he did early for my husband but he didn't want to tell me...i hope everything works out for you and YOU'RE A GREAT MOM :) |
| posted by Amanda on 09/25/2007 01:43 PM
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| Thank you all so much for your replies, it helped me so much. I can't cut down my hours right now becuase of financial reasons, and thats why my husband still works so much too. But we have worked out a plan with my mother to drive up here on sunday nights and staying until tuesday nights, then katie goes to daycare only 3 days a week. I know i'm not with her for 5 days still but it feels better knowing that she is with my mother. I do get off work earlier now, i can leave at 430 instead of 5 and i get off work at 2 on fridays. Hopefully in a few months i can cut down to only 32 hours a week. |
| posted by Amanda on 09/30/2007 01:01 AM
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