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| Single Parents |
| Public online group |
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| In your quest to be the best mom that you can be (while dealing with the father of your children) what are some financial, legal, spiritual, and emotional issues that you face? Are there questions in any of those categories that you would like answered? Is there any advice that you would give to women who may be going through hardships in any of those categories? |
| Posted by Tyesha on 09/10/2007 06:26 PM
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| Where do I start?? When my husband told me he did not want this baby and would not help in any way and I told him fine I don't need him I can have this baby on my own...is it failure to say I need the child support...He will throw it in my face, but is it just my pride that stops me from suing him for it or the fact that I made this choice. People say I'm cheating my son but I just never wanted to depend on him for anything again and I feel like a failure that I can't do it on my own, that I'm still living with my parents. I know it's his responsibility but I just can't make myself do it yet. |
| posted by Julie on 09/10/2007 07:03 PM
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| you should not feel bad about yourself because you could use the money to help support your child. i don't want to depend on my ex for anything either, but when it comes to his financial support, i feel that it is his responsibility. whether he is a part of the child's life or not, you did not make this child on your own. and he needs to own up to at least some of his part in that. it's not a hand-out. it's called a responsibility that should be placed on his back. you're lying in the bed you made, now make him lie in his. |
| posted by misty on 09/11/2007 12:51 PM
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| Thanks Misty! I know he's not the only man who doesn't want to take responsibility and support his children, but he may be one of the very few who genuinely doesn't think he should have to support his children. I know it is just my pride that keeps me from following through and also I still have some sick desire to prove myself to him, to prove that he was wrong about me. Thanks for the response!! |
| posted by Julie on 09/11/2007 08:39 PM
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| im raising my two children alone. Their father and I got a divorce bec of of his infidelity and his physical abuse. He is not active in my childrens life. My two yr old son does not understand that he has a father all he knows his me. My ex is on child support but doesnt make his payments, which leaves me to be totally responsible for the full needs of my kids. food clothes diapers wipes daycare expenses...now mulitply that times 2...im working as hard as i can, its very stressfull at times but i dont let my kids she that. I feel like quiting at times but its my strong faith in God that keeps me motivated. So much so that ppl often ask me how do i do it all...My reply is "I have no other Choice But to Trust God" He is my Peace, And In Him I find rest and shelter! If I can make it, so can u... |
| posted by raquel on 09/17/2007 11:08 PM
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My daughter just turned three a few months ago. Her father and I dated and lived together for about two years, but split up when I was almost five months pregnant. While I was at work one day, he came home with a friend and moved out, leaving me with a year to go on a $1200/month house lease, which was in my name along with all the utilities. When I tried to contact him for financial assistance and help with stuff for the baby, he got an order of protection so that I wouldn't be able to contact him, any of his family and several of his friends about the baby. So, basically, none of them knew I was pregnant until I had the baby.
I have been in litigation regarding visitation with him for over a year leading up to the trial yesterday (12/03/07). He started this just as I petitioned to modify the child support, which has now been doubled due to child care expenses. Ironically, he is not paying his child support and was found in contempt just a few weeks ago, but those things are not factored into the Court's decision regarding parenting time and custody. Pretty lame, isn't it?
I represented myself through the whole process (which I don't recommend). However, I'm a legal assistant and I did attend several consultations with family law attorneys periodically in order to review some of my pleadings. It helped slightly that his attorney was his close friend who has no family law experience, but it was an extremely emotionally and frustrating process.
It's difficult to find the words to express how alone, frustrated, beaten down, helpless and depressed I have felt while dealing with my ex and this litigation. When I met him, I was in college, preparing for law school, had tons of friends and a bright future. Now, without any family or close friends here in Arizona, I've lost several jobs since my daughter was born due to having to miss work to care for her when she was sick. (He would never help.) My credit is horrible, due to the lack of child support for a year and a half and having to pay his portion of the bills, so I can't get a car or anything else on credit. We take the bus everywhere.
I lost another job a few weeks ago and recently received an eviction notice from my landlord. When the Court found him in contempt of the child support order, he was ordered to pay $2400 plus keep all future payments current so I thought I'd be fine financially until I found another job. Well, he hasn't complied with that order either and said he doesn't intend to. We haven't had any food in the house accept for Gatorade, pudding cups, bread, crackers and white rice for over a week. I'm too embarrassed to tell this to any of my acquaintances. It would just make them feel bad.
It is so unbelievable that I could be in this situation while he's going on vacations and driving a new car. What's worse is if we do get evicted, he can petition the Court for custody since I would appear to be unstable domestically, financially, etc. AGHHHHHHHHHH! I want to cry. Uh oh, I am crying. I'm sorry. It's so unfair; yet, I feel like such a whiney, loser saying so. I'm sure there are tons of people much worse off than I (but that doesn't really make me feel better.) I feel like such a crappy mother because we're in this situation. I went from being fit and attractive to fat, ugly and undesirable. I'm a mess. I'm trying to get myself out of this dark hole. I really am trying.
Hopefully, reading my story will make others feel very fortunate...or make me seem like a whiney loser. :-)
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| posted by Beverly on 12/04/2007 10:45 PM
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I feel for what you are going through even though I have not been going through it for as long. Me and my ex were together after the baby shower. He moved in with me and my parents for a year for FREE! He has a now 5 year old as of Dec.1 and we were making a family together. I asked him to marry me Dec. last year and moved into an apt. in Indiana together. Now the problems start. I pay for the security deposit and my parents pay for all the moving expenses. Samaria's 1st B-day is days away. On her B-day her father nor his perents who are at the party get her a present just like every other time so I knew that was coming. Get this Tabatha (his 5 year old) gets a gift so she don't feel bad. Samaria did not even get a Christmas present. Anyway every day I ask him to spend time with his daughter finally a month later things get WAY better beside the fact that now he is staring at other girls and not saying I love you N E more just being Very good to Samaria. That made me happy so I was willing to deal with everything else to make our family work. Out of the blue he says "I don't want to live with you N E more" Now after all that and now having no money because I spent it all on the security deposit and not working as much so I can get the apt. ready and being so far (40min. ) from my original store I worked at.
My parents had to pay for me and my daughter to move back in with them. Not to mention he started problems with us moving like I quote "if N E one else beside you and your dad come in the apt. I will have the arrested for trespassing"
Almost everything in the apt. was mine. He knows me and my dad can not do it on our own. He said we would steal his stuff. I was like what 1 thing. lol! Now he does not see her a lot. When he wants to see her I let him. He was giving me 200 a check so things were not that bad.
Now he has not seen her in a month and has not paid child support because he said the state is asking for too much and he is not giving me a dime. I wrote what has been going on recently on my other group so I am just going to copy it to here so listen to what is going on now!
I apologize first but I think just writing this will make me feel a little better. Samaria's father called DCFS on my house and said he was going to take her away from me. Then I ask him to babysit on a certain day and he said no he had to work and ended up going to Vages. Now almost a month later he text me at midnight on Thanksgiving morning asking me if he is actually going to see her, but she had the flu. Now a month later, a few days ago he asks to see her on Wed. (today), Not having paid child support no less. I said yes cause I obviously want her to know her father. Now on Monday he calls and says are you going to actually let me see her now. I am thinking (WHAT?) I have not stopped him from seeing her ever he has been the one who has not even asked to see her. What does he mean ACTUALLY going to let him see her. GRRR.. Not to mention his other daughter lives less than 1/2 mile from my house and he goes to see her all the time. He is also calling me a liar and yelling at me on the phone, sending harrassing texts. Anyway this morning he said the weather is too bad so he is not going to be able to see her today. Now is it just me or is he the one making excuses not to see her. He has no right to say are you ACTUALLY going to let me see her. I REALLY hate that he is treating her this way. Now things are going to change. Now I am getting a lawyer and getting a court order of visitation cause I am sick of him blowing her off and blaming me for it. Plus thinking I have to work around when HE has the time to see her. Changing my plans so he could come get her today. It is going to cost me $3,500 to get the lawyer I want now though. See I knew that just writing this would make me feel better. I told you I had a lot going on. Thanks for reading hopefully things get resolved fast.
Sorry about all the drama,
Veronica
Now coming up with $3500 is going to be the next road I have to cross.
Thanks for this post I needed it!! |
| posted by lll on 12/05/2007 10:53 AM
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Beverly
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. But you are a not a loser! You are working hard to take care of you and your little girl. It is so scary because I think that so many of us could be in the exact same place you are in. If I get in a fight with my parents, or lose my job, or my car breaks down, I will be right there with you. It is so unfair that the "fathers" are out there living it up with no concern for what their children are going through. My son's father is the same way. I expect no help from him. I figure that the only thing we can do is keep building our support system, so there are people to talk to and help when we need it, believe in ourselves, and have faith that things will get better and things happen for a reason. If things didn't happen for a good reason we wouldn't have these beautiful babies that are our joy and reason for living. Please hang in there everyone, and I hope things get better soon. |
| posted by Julie on 12/05/2007 03:06 PM
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Beverly...you are a beautiful woman!! How do I know? You are taking care of your child...YOU ALONE are doing everything!! And that is a beautiful thing! You are def someone who others can look up to in the respect that you are doing it!! Chin up...bills suck...men suck...!! Have you thought about possibly getting another job working at home? I am looking into this so that I can get more of an income and yet still be able to be home so my son doesn't have to go to daycare (and so that I don't have to pay for it...cause money is tighter than my jeans!!) Things are hard...but you can have pride in the fact that you are doing everything by yourself and that is something to DEF be proud of!!
*hugs* |
| posted by Elise on 01/13/2008 04:25 PM
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