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| Stay at Home Moms |
| Public online group |
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| I was just wondering if anyone has any problems with their inlaws interfering in raising their children. My mother-in law wants to do everything for me when she visits. I let her do a lot with my son. She gets to feed him, play with him, change his diaper, etc. She wants to do it all day though! She doesn't live close so because she doesn't get to seem him often I think she is needer. It drives me crazy though. I don't like giving up my son for the 5 days she is here. I felt last time I had to say no to her a lot because every time I did something for my son she wanted to take him away from me. I'm a first time mother and I don't feel a need at this point to give myself a break. Any suggestions? |
| Posted by Terri on 08/29/2007 09:02 AM
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| Well, even though it is driving you nuts, it sounds like she just wants to help. It could be worse, she could live nearby! You should take advantage of these visits and use that time to do something for yourself. Your son is in good hands with her. You are there for your son every day and she only gets to see him during those visits, so she's trying to make up for the time that she isn't there. |
| posted by Kerry on 08/29/2007 09:13 AM
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What about this? --
Plan ahead for the next visit.. start dropping hints that he really needs to stick to certain things with you.
Then think of things that you can assign her to while she visits..
"Mom, you're so good at.... why don't you be in charge of giving himhis baths when you come out and I'll take care of the rest.."
Just an idea. |
| posted by Tina on 08/29/2007 09:14 AM
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Hi Terri,
Maybe you can talk to her and set up a schedule the next time she visits. It sounds like because she lives far away she just wants to bond with him too. |
| posted by on 08/29/2007 09:22 AM
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Geee this is a hard one because,I too had the same problem.We went out of the country when my son was almost 5 months,and stayed a whole month.I too am a first time Mom I tried and tried to explain how we did things but it wasn't my MIL that was the whole problem it was my BIL and SIL as well. They tried to give him fresh bannana with out me present I had a cow I'm sry but I wanted to be the one to feed him for the first time real food not jar food (some thing besides his cereal) and here I was missing it not even getting to watch it being feed to him.They did everything a couple of times I had steped in and said I"M his mom you aren't I realize now that was a bit harsh but it was how I felt at the time.
May be you could say to her I mean start out with telling her in a calm voice,(It makes me feel like you are taking my job away from me when you try to do everything for your grandchild ,and I know that's not the case but it does make me feel that way being a new mom. I don't mind you doing some things a few times a day but I'd like to do most of it if you don't mind.)
Well good luck to you ..... |
| posted by Amber on 08/29/2007 09:24 AM
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| I think making a schedule sounds good, like she could feed him in the morning and change his diaper and play with him untill you get up then you take over for the rest of the day....That would let you and dad sleep in a bit... |
| posted by Amber on 08/29/2007 09:29 AM
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I have had the same problem with my in-laws, and it drives me crazy too. But it was also a little neurotic and controlling on my part. A couple of days isn't that bad. It might be easier for your MIL to understand how you feel if some of the times when you take him back from her you tell her that you miss him. If you say it lightly and make it seem like you understand her perspective and aren't wanting to care for him out of distrust of her, she may be more understanding -- and you may have the chance to get to know her and a little about your husband's childhood as well. Or, like mine, she may just ignore you and you'll continue to be in a losing battle. But at least you'll have made a graceful effort.
You don't say how often she sees him -- if it's only a couple of times a year, can you afford to be charitable? I know it's hard to see now, since your son is very little, but letting her have this time with him will really build their relationship as he gets older. Trust me, when he's three or older and thrilled that she's coming and totally comfortable with her (and when you do want the break) , and you are comfortable that she understands him, that will mean a lot to you.
This is not a lesson I learned with my first child. I'm not totally sure I really feel as comfortable as other people I've seen letting others care for my kids even now that I'm pregnant with my third. But by loosening my grip a little, even though it causes me some discomfort, I do have the serious satisfaction and pleasure of seeing my children really enjoy their grandparents (both sets) and have a close relationship with them even though they've never lived closer than 600 miles to them or seen them more than 2-3x a year. That wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't given them room to build the relationship from infancy on. This doesn't mean that you give up being the parent for her entire visit, but it does mean giving her space to be a grandparent. Hopefully you have the sort of relationship with her that between the two of you you can negotiate both of your needs in a way that also grows your own friendship. But if you don't, in this case, it may be best to take the long view and see things from the perspective of what will be best for your son and his relationships. Nobody said that motherhood was easy. :) |
| posted by Cindy on 08/29/2007 12:16 PM
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| I have the opposite problem and wish my inlaws would be more involved in their grandchildren's lives. Your mother-in-law is giving him lots of love by taking care of him and I say take advantage and that's the time you do things for yourself...get things done around the house, get a manicure, etc. Try to accept the way she is, and appreciate it. |
| posted by Kara on 08/29/2007 12:25 PM
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| Thank you for all your advice. I will consider a lot of your suggestions. It helps to talk things out. |
| posted by Terri on 08/29/2007 01:01 PM
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I agree with Kara u are lucky to have someone to do so much . Believe me one day u will be like GEEZ I wish she was here to help. My son is in the terrivble 2 LOL and I wish I had that kinda help ...LOL
dont be so down on this issue :O) |
| posted by laura on 08/29/2007 01:59 PM
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| I'm in a similar situation with my in-laws. They live in Europe. Maybe you can space the visits or limit the about of time. |
| posted by kim on 08/29/2007 09:24 PM
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| what is it about mother in laws? In my little circle of mommy friends it seems to be a running problem with allowing the mother in law to give care to the children. I, myself, have had my share of annoyed moments. We must ask ourselves, is it really the missed interaction with our children during her visit or is it just ...well, her? What about when our own mother comes to visit? Do we have the same problem with some other woman taking over our childs care for the week? My advice is as much as you want to grit your teeth, whether it's because she's not feeding him the way you would or because you secretly see her over-taking as one more desparate attempt to tie one more knot in the apron string (connected to your husband), one day you will appreciate having someone to help. Don't burn your bridges! :) Good luck! |
| posted by Carol on 10/01/2007 05:11 PM
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