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Something has been bothering me for a long time, and I'm questioning my ability to be a good mother. I'm not sure if anyone can relate or have been there.
Every time I tried to get my son to nap, he fights it so bad that after while I end up yelling at him and losing my temper. Whenever I do this, I end up feeling so guilty that I end up in tears thinking how much of a monster I must be and don't deserve to have such a wonderful and healthy son.
Today was one of those days. I've been trying to get him to nap for three hours. Every time he doses off, I'll put him in his crib and immediately, he want to stand. This is a new skill he just learned and is very excited about it. I ended up yelling at him several time and stormed out of the room because I needed to calm down.
This behavior on my end makes me feel like a monster and don't deserve to be a mother. |
| Posted by kathy on 08/27/2007 12:16 PM
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Kathy,
You are not a bad mother by all means. Sounds like you are just tired and need some time for yourself. I've heard that once a child learns new things like standing that they will do this when ever possible instead of sleeping. He will eventually get tired and fall asleep, just make sure his crib is low enough that he won't fall out. Let him stay in there for awhile. Make sure you get some rest too once he is napping, this will help you be more calm when he's back at it again. |
| posted by Stacy on 08/27/2007 12:33 PM
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| Kathy, I can relate to you. My daughter is 19 mos old and she fights me on just about everything. Sometimes I feel like my whole day is a struggle. I too feel like a bad mom sometimes, but I keep telling myself that is it normal to lose it once in a while. I have found that being a stay at home mom is probably the hardest job anyone could have and if anyone said that they don't lose their temper now and again is lying! The fact that we get upset for getting mad says that we are good moms and that we care. I know it is easier said than done, but try not to feel guilty. You are not a monster and your baby is lucky to have you! |
| posted by Jamie on 08/27/2007 12:36 PM
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| I know it is hard. You are not alone on this. Have you tried putting him in his crib and walking out. Let him stand, let him cry for a while until he falls asleep. Go sit outside for a few seconds. I have had this thought for a while. They are safe in their crib even if they don't want to be there. They can't hurt themselves. I get panic and sometimes when it was really bad I put Maddie in her crib and sat in the other room to calm down. She was not happy but she was safe and not being hurt and I was still taking care of her because I never left her in there for more than 5 minutes like that. She still fights sleep and I have started letting her cry it out. Maybe that will help you. |
| posted by Jennifer on 08/27/2007 12:48 PM
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| You are NOT a bad mom, we all go through this. I have decided not to fight Emilie on this, even though I get so frustrated at night when I really need to sleep. I just let her stay up at nap time and eventually she gets tired and falls asleep. At night I will let her lay in bed with me, I put the TV on and she will eventually calm down and fall asleep in my bed, then I move her to the crib. And yes, I too have had to just put her in the crib and take a few minutes to calm down. |
| posted by on 08/27/2007 12:57 PM
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| I can relate. There have been times when I lost my patience. It does not make you a bad mother, it makes you human. You did the right thing by walking away to calm down. When my son started pulling himself up and crawling, he went through about 2 weeks when he had a hard time sleeping. It was difficult, but it passed. Once he gets used to it and has lots of chances to practice, he will go to sleep easier. Give him lots of time to move around before his nap, then when he stands up, just walk away and let him stand there for a while. He will eventually sit back down and go to sleep. I know it is hard, I had a hard time with it, too. But it will get easier. |
| posted by Marcia on 08/27/2007 01:01 PM
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Kathy
U are not alone my son is 2 1/2 and I yell also sometimes and feel like crap afterwards ...like the other moms said being a sahm is HARD as HEK dont EVER think u are bad mom remember u are better then some stranger in a daycare anyday !!!!
SMILE !!!!!!!!!!!! :O) |
| posted by laura on 08/27/2007 01:12 PM
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It's hard not to feel this way. My MIL, mother, and husband all saw me lose my temper around my son and glare at me like I'm a horrible monster.
They take him away from me as though I'm going to hurt him or something. Of course that will never happen, but it questions my ability to be a good mother. |
| posted by kathy on 08/27/2007 02:48 PM
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Hi Kathi!
My baby fights it hard, too. Do you have a friend or maybe your mom you can call to vent to, before you lose your temper? Try putting him down, closing the door and make that kind of phone call. Be sure to take lots of deep breaths! You are not a monster, you are totally normal. But your baby doesn't understand the anger, and it probably makes his crying worse. Babies will cry, you just have to be able to handle the way it makes you feel. Hang in there!! |
| posted by Jade on 08/27/2007 03:11 PM
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| the next time you mom or MIL give you a glare ask them how many times they went through it. if they say never they are full of poop. as for your hubby, tell him to help out so you can get a break. Emilies dad once took her to calm her and like 10 minutes he did the same thing, he got frustrated and yelled at her. You are not a monster you are a human being who can only take so much. |
| posted by on 08/27/2007 03:13 PM
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| I agree! Honestly, I am sick of people (esp MILs...ugh) judging the mom!!! Moms are amazing, and run the show the best we can. |
| posted by Jade on 08/27/2007 03:23 PM
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| I've been there too. It doesn't make you a bad mother. It does, however, make you human. Something you mother and MIL have evidently forgotten. I agree that you should tell your husband you need a little break. And don't be afraid to admit it!! You might also consider the fact that you could be suffering from post pardum (spell?) depression which is very common after having a baby. You're extremely tired, maybe a little overwhelmed, maybe you feel a little alone being a SAHM. It's nothing to be embarrassed about because it's not your fault. It's a physical/chemical thing and your body may just need a little help getting back to normal. You can tallk to your doctor about this to find out more. In the mean time, hand in there and know you aren't alone. |
| posted by Cinda on 08/27/2007 03:27 PM
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| I agree with everyone. You are NOT a monster, you ARE human:) Try not to put him down while he is asleep, lay him down drowsy but awake.(Also make sure he is tired when you are trying for a nap, rubbing eyes, yawning, ect) Explain to your husband how you need a break, and let him try to lay him down. |
| posted by Amanda on 08/27/2007 04:23 PM
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| i am going to say something different then the others. i do not think you are a horrible mom or a monster, however, the baby might. i had a mom like that and i was always scared of her because she wasnt sympathetic. i know how frustrated you feel and tired, because i have some chronic illnesses and pains and fatigue that make raising a baby extremely hard and my daughter has those moments when she is not taking her nap and crying and cranky, so this what i do, when i start to feel like i want to yell or scream, instead of yelling i say what i feel at the moment without yelling because she doesnt know what i am saying, she is still a baby and doesnt understand but she can understand loudness, so i just talk, in a regular voicee like i was talking, ... you are being so bad today, you have no idea how tired i am and what a brat you are being... then i do what i know how to do best... i make sure her diaper is changed, she has been fed, if she isnt sleepy enough, i take her out of the crib and let her play on the floor and then try again, or i will put some toys in the crib and just leave her be, and she will soothe herself to sleep. this doesnt work over night and like magic, it takes time for them to learn to do this especially when they are excited about standing and crawling but exhaustion does set in and they will sleep. remember the older they get their naps change and sleep patterns change so perhaps he is in the middle of change. but what i am trying to say, is try your hardest not to yell and frighten the baby. but if you do, dont hate yourself for it, you're human and need a break and nobody, only shm's will understand how hard it is when you are sooooo tired. good luck and i am on your side... |
| posted by MARYANNE on 08/27/2007 08:32 PM
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Maryann, I can relate regarding health problem. I had a massive stroke 5 years ago and sustained paralysis on my left leg and brain damages. I worked very hard to regain strength on my left leg and now have only left leg weakness. Luckily I can walk with no problem but can't run and move my left toes. My biggest obstacle is fatigue. Due to the brain damage, when I get tired, I end up "zoning out" and have memory laps. When this happens I get scared being alone with my son. I knew of my deficits before deciding to have a baby.
Honestly, I thought with my accomplished overcoming my stroke, I can take care of a baby. I had no idea taking care of an infant would be harder than going through physical and speech rehabilitations as well as overcoming 2 brain surgeries to survive.
I have a major guilt of imposing on my loved ones because I am unable to be a normal mother like others and feel guilty for bring James into this world. He'll have to deal with a mother like me who can never be normal. |
| posted by kathy on 08/27/2007 10:24 PM
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Kathy,
going through all of that must have been so hard, and now with a baby to add. I dont think you should ever feel guilty about having James, he has a wonderful, loving caring mommy who will always be there for him. As far as asking for help, I think your hubby should never have to ask you if you want his help he should just do it, James is his son too. And grandma's love to be with their grandchildren, even the healthiest moms ask for help it is nothing to be ashamed of. |
| posted by on 08/28/2007 09:30 AM
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| i think your son will actually learn compassion, sympathy and empathy, he will learn to be helpful and will understand others. so i think he will end up being a terrific son. dont feel quilty about anything, all anyone can do is their best and everybody has to ask for help some times in their lives. best of luck to the both of you. |
| posted by MARYANNE on 08/28/2007 09:48 AM
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| I am a SAHM and I understand the difficulties of going it alone. I would suggest trying to set up a routine. I had HORRIBLE troubles with my son on napping from about 4 months to 9months. It was awful! I would get him to sleep and he wouldn't sleep but maybe 25-45mins and was up again, but still tired. I found I needed to have more of a schedule for him. I sat down and figured out the times he was tired, and got him into a nap schedule. I layed him down at the same time every day, still awake,(this is key from what I have read from the many books I searched through to figure out the sleep problem) and I would do the same routine. Give him his paci, blanket, and say night night. After a few days, it worked! He started to go right to sleep and slept for a good amount of time. In retur n it gave me the much needed break and mommy time I NEEDED. Also, I would suggest setting up one night a week that is date night. Have your mother, or MIL or someone you feel comfortable, watch your son and you and your hubby go out! Take time away. I spend 24/7 with my son, and love him to death. However, I look forward to these nights, once a week, where I get a break. Also, another idea is having someone watch him for even just an hour so you can go get your hair cut, or a massage. It sounds like to me you are just tired, and far from a monster. You will get through this. Don't take the glares and judgment to heart. Also, if you are at your wits ends and need a break, and are home alone, Baby Eistein Videos work WONDERS. |
| posted by Michelle on 08/28/2007 11:54 AM
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| Your son will love you no matter what has happened to you physically. And as far as he is concerned for the first few years you are what is normal. You should never feel guilty for giving your son the precious gift of life! I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. |
| posted by Cinda on 08/28/2007 12:14 PM
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| Your not a bad mother, Totally. Just a mother who made a bad snap decision. Guilt is a natural emotion telling you that maybe this is the wrong way of going about things. I agree that you need some "me time" and much needed rest. Is there anyone that you can call or depend on so that you can schedule time for yourself? Hopefully this will lower stress levels and when you feel better, you act better. If it happens again maybe you can call on that friend or family member to come and give you a break. Yor baby does not understand why your yelling at him. The only thing he is going to gather from this behavior is to act out the same way. Another thing he is doing it for is for your attention, even if it is negative. He may very well be in the stage where he is learning cause and effect. So just be patient. Find some way to cope with this. This too shall pass. Find some soothing techniques for baby and bedtimes. Don't plan for anything to be going on at this time. If the baby is resting, you should too( even if your not sleeping, prop your legs up). Remain positive and remember, a happy mom is a good mom. I hope this helped! :-) |
| posted by busygirl0219 on 08/29/2007 02:44 AM
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I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one out there that loses control. Thank you all for your wonderful feedback. This really helped me rethink the way I lose my temper with my son.
A specialist recommended local services that specializes in cognitive retraining and I'm planning to contact them in hope of possibility of relearning some of the cognitive skills I lost from the stroke. I'm also planning to join a local gym with excellent childcare and hope this will increase my stamina.
Once again, thank you all for your wonderful feedback. It has been very helpful getting past this difficult time. |
| posted by kathy on 09/04/2007 09:05 PM
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| Maybe your son isn't tired. If children don't fall asleep in about 15 minutes, then they probably aren't ready to go down. If you are tired, instead of making him take a nap for your convenience, maybe you could ask for help so you can find some rest. Finding an individual therapist or joining a mom's group may help you to find better ways of coping with your emotions as well. There is no need to dwell on the past and guilt will only make you feel worse. Just try to remind yourself in these moments that it is not your kid's fault he can't sleep or that you are tired and that anger will only upset both of you more. Try taking a walk, changing your environment, or even cuddling up together for a family nap. We can't change the past, but we can consciously decide to make better decisions in the future. In these highly emotional moments, remind yourself to stop, breathe, and remember your goals for being a good mother. Forgiving yourself for weak moments will help you to do that as well. |
| posted by Kelly on 09/08/2007 01:50 PM
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| Excellent answer, Kelly!!! |
| posted by Jade on 09/08/2007 02:08 PM
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I have to go with Maryanne on this one. Your yelling is scaring your baby! Stop it!! His nap scheduel could be changing or he could want to nap someplace else.
Starting at 13 months our son would not nap in his crib, he just stood at the corner and cried and cried. For two days he didn't nap. We didn't understand this because he was visibly exsausted. Then just for the heck of it I put him down in his stroller. That's where he still naps. He'll only sleep in his crib at night. All naps are in the stroller. We're not sure what we are going to do when he out grows it. That will be another challenge. But at least for now he's napping very well.
If it's one thing we've learned about being parents it's that flexabiliey is required. Habits and scheduels change just when we get use to them. |
| posted by Melinda on 09/09/2007 12:36 PM
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Melina, first of all, I am doing my best to control my temper and is aware of scaring him. As a first time mom, I am doing my best to read my son and be as accommodating as best as I can.
Now I feel like a terrible mother and monster. I hate myself. I knew I could not handle being a good mother having my deficits. |
| posted by kathy on 09/09/2007 01:01 PM
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kathy please dont feel that way I really dont think Melinda is doughting your abilities at all I have spoken with her about other things and she is NOT at all judgemental . All i think she really is saying in a nut shell is these little angles / devils LOL we have go through many changes in the first few year and we need to try to remember that ....not any child is a perfect doll remember that only in fairy tales. Keep up the good work and YOU are a wonderful mom doing your best !
Lauara |
| posted by laura on 09/09/2007 01:07 PM
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Kathy,
Don't hate yourself just because of what strangers on a website are saying! Who are we anyway but a bunch of people who don't even know you. Just be strong and love your baby. If you need help w/ anger issues, seek it out through friends, family or counseling.
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| posted by Jade on 09/09/2007 04:58 PM
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| Kathy, we do not think that you are a bad mother or a monster! Don't let guilt eat at you. Forgive yourself, being a mother is a learning process at which you have to improve and be fitted to suit you and your children. If we all knew it all we would not be here at Raisingthem to get advice and learn from others and gain support, even in our not so perfect moments. Just remember that your parenting style( not talking about the time that you yelled at your baby, we all have done it at least once or will in the future(not saying that it is right or ok) is what works for you and your children, and mine is what works for me and my children. Always be open for suggestions, and willingness to improve on weaknesses. Take responsibility for the choices you make. Ultimately what works for you and yours is what works, ok |
| posted by busygirl0219 on 09/10/2007 03:12 AM
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Melinda,
After putting some thoughts into your feedback, I want to share my perceptions. Do not compare yourself to Maryann’s feedback. Maryann was firm but constructive. For example, she offers strategies on how she handles difficult situation. Her feedback was productive and when she read my response, she was compassion.
I posted my question because I needed to get feedback and find strategies on how to handle difficult situation without losing control. Fortunately, all the feedbacks were informative. By utilized Maryann’s strategies, I succeed in handling a difficult situation with my son.
I am fully aware as a new mom that we all need to be flexible and learn from our mistakes. Fortunately, everyone that responded was very compassion and helped me get through this.
I do not know you, and I will give you the benefit of doubt that maybe you did not mean to come across as a prima donna. I feel your feedback is callous and unproductive.
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| posted by kathy on 09/10/2007 10:57 AM
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Glad to see u back Kathy I was worried about you
xoxoxoxo
Laura |
| posted by laura on 09/10/2007 03:07 PM
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Thank you, Laura. First, I was beside myself then after calming down, I was livid.
Anyways, I spoke my mind and appreciate how compassionate everyone is at this site.
I'll be curious how she would justify herself. |
| posted by kathy on 09/10/2007 03:40 PM
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Honestly I dont think she meant to hurt u at least I hope not. We are all in the same boat in some sort of way jsut doing the very best we can for our children.
be well
Laura |
| posted by laura on 09/10/2007 06:22 PM
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Kathy,
I tried not to reply to your question, but after reading others suggestions and comments and reading your answers or feedback, I think I should go ahead and post a response, not because I am an expert, I am as new mom as you are, but I have lost my patiente once or twice and have found myself very close to yelling to my baby, whom I LOVE dearly, I am sure as much as you love yours. All I have to say is that you need to be strong, and it is not an option, you have to be strong. At all times you have to be aware, alert, and ready to provide for your baby. I work full time, get little help from my hubby on housework, and am pregnant with a second baby (and hormonal changes have had a feast this time). So here is something I do when i feel very tired and my baby doesn't. I take a breath, profoundly, fill out my lungs and think of the most beautiful moment with my little one, picture his face smiling back at me, and ask God to provide me with patience, Iove and strenght. I helps me...try it...it doesn't hurt.
I am really sad to think how horrible you must feel, full of guilt and focusing on the looks of your MIL and husband, feeling misserable and unable to control yourself. I am sure you don't want that for your family, for your baby, or for you. For that reason I strongly suggest for you to be alert of your emotional changes, and when you feel you are starting to lose it do a relaxing exercise. Plus I will also recomend seing a therapist, because regardless if you think you can't or find it hard to control your anger, the truth is you are the only one who can control it...so my dear take control, stop the guilt and focus on your baby. |
| posted by sonia on 09/10/2007 08:19 PM
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