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| Parents of Teens |
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| My son turened 18 this past jan. He was having alot of trouble with drugs and stuff last year and it got so bad that i ended up kicking him out last oct 31. he came to us in july and asked to move back in said that he had learned his lesson and that he needed help. we argreed to letting him ( my husband was his big supporter me i was and still am worried abt how it looks to his 2 younger sisters and how it turned my house upside down) we put some restrictions on him ( no smoking no drinking no drugs go to school and such) and he agreed to all these now it just like he needed a place to store his stuff get a free meal and clothes and a place to sleep. I dont know what to do but it is looking like we are just being used. I dont want to kick him out but he dont contrubite to the family like all other members do, i have to ride his but to get him to just go enroll in school and he has all these bills he has to pay but wont go look for a job so barely makes 90 a week. my husband now is livid and not wanting him here and all i really wont is to help get him finished with school and on with his life. |
| Posted by dede on 08/23/2007 11:38 AM
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You Sound like where I am heading. I am in couseling and the one thing the couselor has asked, "Why do you want him to graduate with a diploma?" He is disrupting your family and not following the rules he agreed to. There are hundreds of teens each year that drop out, get a full time job and go to night school to get a GED. I am reading a book write this minute "Rite of passage parenting"
It states,"When parents follow the cultural norm of shielding thei kids from logical consequences, they are inadvertently setting them up to expierence more severe ones later in life.
I can tell you, we gave our 18 yr till Sep 15th to move out. We will no longer cater to him. This is the most difficult decesion we have made. My ss is a senior in HS. I would love to see him graduate, BUT... I believe he is one of those people who will have to learn the hard way. We will be there to offer advice and encouragement, but he wants to be his own man, well that starts in his own place. If he doesn't pay his bills then he will loose his stuff, welcome to the grown-up world. |
| posted by Kathy on 08/23/2007 12:28 PM
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Some people just have to learn the hard way. My uncle was (as an adult) a disruptive influence to my grandparent's home. Grandpa finally kicked him out against my gradmother's wishes. My uncle figured out how to swim, rather than sink, although many of the choices he makes are not in line with what the rest of the family would do. He went under a few times in learning how to swim, but my grandpa refused to rescue him, and eventually he figured out how to keep life on a somewhat even keel by himself.
You don't say if he is a senior in high school or a freshman in college.
If he's in high school, and resisting going, he can look into alternative school or a GED. If he doesn't care whether gets a diploma/GED certificate or not, there might not be a whole lot you can do. Even if he does go to school, you can't make him do the work and turn it in. You might be better off letting him go back out into the world until HE decides it's a good idea to get a diploma or GED.
If he's a freshman in college, I wouldn't push him. College is worthless if you aren't motivated. You can flunk there just as easily as in high school.
You say that he said he's learned his lesson and that he needed help. But it doesn't sound as if he is acting that way. He may need a few years on his own to truly understand life's lessons and know what kind of help he needs.
I've got three kids - one is grown. I dread the day that one of them wants to come home because they've made poor decisions. Like any mom, I would want to rescue, comfort, and nurture - but adult children need a different kind of help than minors. Sometimes, the absolute best thing to do is say, "I'm sorry you are having this difficulty, but I can't allow it to disrupt my life. If you want to talk to me about it, that's fine, but I can't take care of your needs anymore - that's your job." |
| posted by Kelly on 08/23/2007 12:48 PM
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Dede, Before you & your husband allowed your child to move back into the home, did you make him sign a contract, like as if he were a "renter"?
Do you have it written down somewhere what his expectations were with his signature on it?
As for the free meals, what "free meals"? He should be contributing in the form of cash, money orders, debit card for his room and board, meals, utilities, car storage etc. What arrangement if any did you set up with him prior to his entry into the house?
If he moved in on January of this year and he has not contributed to anything, and has made you and your spouses and the family a living hell, I would place all his belongings on the front porch, change my locks to the house. Call the police if he tried to break in or cause trouble.
Its called "tough love". Also a "wake up call" he sure would not want to miss. There are homeless shelters that can house him, a post office box that can receive his mail. He can set up shop somewhere else where he can make decisions as to what he wants to do with his life.
You are a mother of 4 children, youngest being 7 months, you don't need this added stress in your life. Take control before he destroys your happy home.
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| posted by esther on 08/23/2007 11:14 PM
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