My grandson recently graduated from H.S.  Prior to graduation, his dad (my son) was not happy with him and said, "If you aren't going to live by our rules, find somewhere else to live."  My grandson did just that.  He went to his friend's home and lives with his parents.  This infuriated my son who now refuses to come to family events if his son is invited.  He insists that he is the father and all invitations to his children should come through him...even to his graduated almost 19 year old!  Any advice?  I need to speak with my son about this, and want to approach him in a way he will be receptive.  My opinion is that it is my son who needs to make the first move to repair this relationship.

I would let your son know how much your relationship with him means to you and that you can't imagaine the two of you being as distant as he and his son are at this time. Life is too short and there are just somethings that just don't matter so much after we step back.

If your grandson was doing things that your son really couldn't tolerate then try to make your son see that your grandson moving out wasn't a bad thing,  maybe it was for the best. A way for father and son to have a relationship without everything your grandson did (that aggravated your son) being right under your son's nose.

I have 3 sons, they are all in their 20's. The middle one - that did so many things we didn't approve of and by the way he didn't think there was anything wrong with them - moved out, lived on people's couches and all kinds of stuff, it was very difficult initially. However, over just a while - we were able to love him more because we didn't have to watch and support everything he did. Try to get your son to see that maybe it was for the best, maybe now they can develop an adult relationship without out the other stuff getting in the way.  When we see our son or talk, or text with him, we can offer advice or help and he seems more willing to listen. He is moving in the right direction. He is now 24.. I hope some of this will help you.

Thanks Debra,

Your post show a great deal of wisdom, and I appreciate your advice.  I attempted to get to that point with my son, but he insists I am disregarding his position as father.  When I told him that I viewed it as this: "We are all sitting in a boat in safety.  Outside the boat are menacing waters.  One of our family is out in those waters.  There is NO WAY I won't throw him a life preserver and pull him back into the boat."  Then my son hung up on me.  He did FB message me and said that when I really wanted to listen to him, then to call.

Any suggestions?

That was a great analogy to explain your position with your grandson. I guess your son is not ready to listen or to forgive your grandson.

Honestly your son probably was caught off gaurd by your grandson moving out. He thought he still had the upper hand when he laid down the utltimatum and there is a good chance he is having to deal with the fact that he can't control his son or his son's actions. He is very likely hurting more than anything else.

I would call and listen without saying much. After your son fully explains his position maybe you can make him understand that even though you see his side of it, you still feel the same way you did before.

As far as the family events - once a child is grown and moved out the parent does not get to be the middle man any longer. He should be the one to invite or not invite if it is something at his home but other family events are fair game. If your son wants to stay home then that is his choice..

I will add you and your family to my prayers. I hope something will help your son see that his son is still young and needs support from him and all of you. God puts these children in our lives for a reason and abandoning them when they mess up is not what we as parents are called to do. I sincerely hope this helps in some way. please let me know how things go.