Hey girls! So similar to many of you, I was so incredibly relieved to find this website.. I've been with a serious musician for almost three years now, and let me just say no matter how fun and exciting it is, it's tough.  I'm only nineteen, and he's twenty-two, but in these last few years, we've discovered that we want to be together for the rest of our lives. A few months ago, he proposed to me; however, it seemed he only did so to cover up some of the problems we were having at the time.  (They are newly signed, as of January, and that's when everything fell apart. He became more busy than I could have imagined, and it didn't seem fair to me. I guess I was just kinda bombarded with the huge change. So we took a "break" which is never a good situation.. and things only fell apart more.) But, we weren't ready to let one another go, and talked every day for hours on fixing us; because we wanted to be together, and we knew it would be worth it. After he proposed, it took about a month or two to be "perfect" again. However, something happened at the end of October and I gave him the ring back and we're together, but no longer engaged. (This probably is what hurts the most, but I can't get over the fact that I was the one who initiated it; it's MY fault we're not getting married in April anymore.) After the huge thing in October, the boys left for tour on the 11th. I can usually handle them being gone, but right now I just can't. I feel like he should be home working on everything with me like before, but I don't want to EXPECT him to do that; I don't ever want to stand in the way of his dreams. As many of you know, when they're gone.. it's like they are GONE. I'm lucky if I get to talk to him on the phone for longer than five minutes. (And I've talked to him about it, and some days it's better: he'll call a few times, or text me a bunch, send me a picture.. or maybe I'll get to talk to him for ten+ minutes).  But, for the most part.. it's pretty limited. I post on Facebook how much I miss him, and sometimes I say things that imply my being depressed.. well yeah, my best friend/boyfriend/ex-fiancee is gone and I'm at the point where I don't know IF we're going to be together.  I love him so much, and I know he loves me, but I don't know if that's enough; We have both hurt eachother so much in the past that I don't know if we're too broken. I don't want to think about that, but I'm alone, and I don't have anyone I can talk about these feelings with. It's like he doesn't even acknowledge that something is wrong when we talk, and I understand it, but it just leaves me confused, and hurting. (Because I take his not texting me back, or being able to talk to me, or his rejecting my calls personally.. I'm not one of his friends.. I'm his girlfriend. and I hate thinking like that). At this point, I don't know what I'm trying to get out of this. Help? Maybe just someone to talk to? I don't know anyone who's ever experienced anything like this, and with him gone, I just am left to sit in my own turmoil and it sucks. I hate feeling like I can't talk to him about my emotions and doubts, and I just want to get everything out. He worries I miss him TOO much, but I just want to fix things and figure it all out. I miss him because I feel like he doesn't miss me, (which is dumb, but that's how it feels.) For those of you who read this entire thing.. thank you. I'm so lost, and hurting so much, I just need someone who can relate even in the tiniest way. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I'm not ready to give him up. I just want to know things are going to be okay, and advice to help me trudge through the rest of the tour, which is probably at least another two weeks. Thank you so much ladies; we're the backbone of the music industry.. We put up with so much shit to just be forgotten like we are. We're kinda used to being taken advantage of when it comes to the bandmates, label, venues, and fans, but when it comes to OUR man, it's a lot harder.

I totally understand the "wanting to fix things NOW" thing, because I always want to get things fixed right away, AND my "unique" (read: stupid haha) situation is that I'm technically not even allowed to BE my boyfriend's girlfriend, according to label rules. So it's kind of like a "just wait it out/some day" situation, and I really hate blurry lines. But pretty much all I can say is put your love life/relationship on pause until he comes back. If it's difficult enough to communicate when he's touring and you AREN'T having problems, trying to fix a heavily mixed up relationship will be even more difficult and hurtful to you because you won't get anywhere because he just can't possibly try to deal with your relationship and working at the same time.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't built up my tough musician's girlfriend skin either, quite yet, so I definitely know how extremely hurtful and confusing it gets. My boyfriend has the most extremes, suuuper loving and the greatest guy ever to completely UNTOUCHABLE and IMMOVABLE. And they've never been explained or talked about I just had to figure out on my own what was going on (and thankfully my mother was a girlfriend of a serious musician, as well).

When things get tough for me I just think of it as a relationship that pretty much maintains itself. It may not be getting better, per se, but it's not getting worse either...it's just in limbo...on pause. My boyfriend tells me "you're thinking too hard!" whenever I get insecure about our relationship and then I take a step back and realize: he isn't really doing ANYTHING I think he is doing for ANY of the reasons I think he is doing them. He just simply can't focus on something else whilst focused on work. And I just think as long as he is distracted by music, he really ISN'T doing ANYTHING else...it's almost TOO simple for my complicated female brain to believe hahaha.

I have read this quote from Bob Marley sooooo many times, and it has helped me a lot, especially certain parts that I am sure you can guess:

"“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”

I hope something in there helps!!

I have been quiet on this board for a long while, but I always read the updates to the message boards. I have been married to a musician for more than 11 years now...14 years together. Things definitely change when music and touring become a full time job. However, it doesn't change who the person is at heart. I hear what you (and others) are saying about feeling like this career becomes more important than the relationship, but in the end if that is true than it is a problem. I am in my mid thirties and it is a long road many highs but also the lows. This life is tough to endure for sure. But in the end it is the quality of your relationship and the dedication of the person that you are with that will pull you through. The relationship has to work for both of you. That does not mean that it is easy or feels great all of the time. However, you shouldn't feel that you are "shut out/down" by your partner. This is a personality trait and not just something that relates to musicians. I have struggled with LONG separations, financial questions, and now parent/child separation. My husband and child have to miss out on a lot. But I know that this is OUR choice to live this life together. And we talk openly. We both hurt from the distance and sacrifice, and we both enjoy the successes. When he is at home he is an amazing father and a dedicated husband. However, there have definitely been times that I have questioned my decision to live this life. I tell you this because this is a constant struggle, and it will go on for as long as he is touring. In the end, our relationship has been pushed to the brink, but we have never let go. He is holding on as strong if not stronger than I am on many occasions. But that is why this works. You should never feel like you alone are making all of the sacrifice or treading all of the water. It is easier to separate from your emotions on tour because you are completely removed from the home element. While at home, you (and I) are bombarded with constant reminders of what is different and who is missing. So, in a sense, it seems logical that they would be able to "turn off" on the road. But in this day and age, you are always a phone call or a video chat away. You should never feel that this is an intrusion, but rather a connection that allows you to share those simple things that will keep that basic connection strong throughout. I hope I am not coming off as harsh. But I have been living this life for a long time now. If it is a real possibility that this could be your life too, I just wanted to share a different perspective. I would never recommend that you change your own relationship in any way, as that is certainly not my place. I hope that you will be happy and always consider yourself as an equal partner in these life desicions. If you want to know more about me and how my life came to be this way, feel free to look under older posts that I have made. I am totally open with sharing my own experiences in this crazy life, especially since it IS very unique. One thing is for sure...no one will ever get it unless they have lived it. Good Luck.