Hi,

I am a new mom of a three month old baby girl, and I also have 2 stepsons, ages 4 and 8 years old. I am having a hard time bonding with them and I need some advice.

The oldest is very shy and quiet and cant seem to do simple things on his own. He tries to hand us his dirty dishes..when he should know to put them in the sink..he 8 !!!!! While the 4 year old is loud, whiny and always wants to play video games. Even if he is told no, he continuously keeps asking. It really annoys me and it prevents me from showing affection to them. I believe in time-outs...but my husband doesnt seem to use it as a parenting tool. They arent my kids so I dont try to discipline them, I feel like my husband would get upset if I did. Even though he said he wouldnt.

I dont like having them at my house playing video games all day long. My husband only sees them sporadically when he isnt working and I dont think its fair that the kids spend all thier time playing video games here when the purpose of them comming over is to spend time with thier father. Thats not what I consider quality time. I have asked my husband to limit thier game time but he seems to make excuses like its cloudy outside or we cant afford to go do anything right now. But we have a yard to go play in, he could take them outside or to the playgroud. Its cloudy out, its not raining for pete's sake. It drives me crazy and I get frustrated and irritable because of it.

What should I do?

Ok.. WellI don't know what will work with your husband because he doesn't seem very responsive. and will I am a very straight forward person.

This is what I think.. The boys are pushing their limits. I am not sure how their Bio-mom does things. (I get the impression they live full time with her) My step-son is full time with me and his bio-mom isn't in the picture any more so its a little different.

But I am guess these are health (non-abused) intellegent boys. They know they their parents are together, and that their world is different now. THey are looking for structure and consistantcey. They are pushing to see what kind of reaction they get. They want to see if they can Whine, weedle, and poute.. The 8 year old is also pushing.. He knows what he is suppose to do but is trying to figure out where you stand with him.

NOW is important. Just look at your husband and tell him that YOU live here too. IF the bys are here.. and you are helping look after them.. Then Yes You have to have some authoirity or the childern will try pushing youaround. AND it coud carry over resentmnt to you other child.. EQUALITY its the key.

My advice.. UNPLUG THE Video game before the boys come. Tell them its broken. hide the games. But have other things for them to do. art supplies. musical insrtuments, board games, cards, Books. A radio. Also have some outside toys. balls (baseball, tennis, soccer) Heck a hula hoop is alot of fun.

NOW this is the key.. YOU PLAY WITH THEM.. EVEN IF They are driving you nuts.. My step son does the same. Times work.. (I do beleive in spankings..) but there are other things that can work. Priviglies being lost, so on..

But if you are playing and having fun with the boys. then why wouldn't dad want to play with them. It sounds lke he is afraid of the kids not likinghim. so he gives them what they want.. or he may feel guilty, or just not sure how to realte or fix whats wrong. So it really is improtant how You handle this.

tell him if that if he isn't going to handle this then you will.

I don't know what kind of relationship is going on with the (bio-mom) but if she is reaonsable you could try talking to her about what works Because in the end what is improtant is a heathly enviroment for All the childern..including the new baby.

If their mother is in th picture and they are happy with her then they might be thinking that you are trying to replace her. (if their relationsip is healthy) then they don't need a mother figur.. But anyone can do well with a mentor, and friend. talk to them.. Play with them.. Interaction even if its forced at the beging will help. Don't think of them as childern.. Think of them as smaller aults. You wouldn't expect a new co-worker to just do what you tell them.

Remind them that this is YOUR house.. That there are rules that WILL be followed. You ca discpline without time outs, and without spankings.

The frist step is getting their attention and making sure they take you seriously. and Unplugging the video games is the frist step.

If your husbad says "we can't afford to go out right now.. and is raining outside" you Say."Childerned survived 1000's of years without video games on rainy days.. They re smart boys.. they can think of something. " Heck... 60 years ago there weren't video games. "