Dear Terry,
I am a mom of an 18 year old son and also a tutor for 10 years. I have tutored many teens, boys and girls. The girls are harder to deal with than the boys. I have experience girls that were defiant with their parents; there can be many different things that is going on with your daughter. First, she does not think you understand her and listens to her. You may think that is untrue, but I have seen so many parents just totally disregard the child's feelings and strongly dictating their authority. When,however... what your daughter need from you is a different attitude and approach with her. She wants to be heard and her feelings considered and your actions must display that. Many of the teen girls that I have tutored, that was their main issue with their parents. You may want to start by setting a time that you and she do something together, separate from the rest of the family, shopping and lunch. During that time, allow her to talk and you listen, do NOT be judgemental, try to use the words, I understand. She may not open up to you right away. You may want to have a weekly time set for just the two of you. After a few dates together, she will realize that you are making an effort to understand her. However, you are still the parent, the rules in your house must stand. But, try to get on her level of communication, if not, you will not get your daughter back. I have changed so many lives, by listen to the teens and their feelings and discussing with the parents of how to regain a normal, respectful teen, boy or girl. You would be amazed what goes on in the mind of a teen this day and time. This process may be hard for you as the parent, because she will still be displaying ugly behavior and you are taking her shopping, lunch. If you hang in there, it will change. She is hurting inside for whatever reason or reasons and she is angry with you for not trying to understand her. Teens holds a lot of stuff inside and the parents are the last human they want to discuss the issues with. Her issues may not have anything to do with you or the household. Peer pressure is a buggar!!!!
With my son, starting 6 years old, I have always made a point of spending quality time with him, even if it's only 15 minutes, and I still do to this day. I have made it clear to him, no matter how bad her may screw up in life, that he can always come to me and discuss it and I will not judge him, but try to help him resolve the issue. He has graduated with honors, never any issues in school for the entire 12 years. Now, he will be attending college this fall. I have always asked him to wait until his second year of college before dating and he has. That is another BIG issue, teen dating these days, changes the teen entire prospective on how they see life and their academics suffers severely.
Hope this info can be of some help to you.
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