I am the separated mother of a 19 year old son and 16 year old daughter.  Before I separated from their father who was an alcoholic and recently entered recovery before the split, I had an extremely close relationship with my children.  They were my best friends and we did everything together.  I have always been a doting mother, allowing my children to have no responsibilities in the home.  I did everything for them trying to replace their unhappiness about their parents lack of a relationship with material things and priviledges.  Too many details and dynamics to address here but I met a wonderful man who loves me very much and wants nothing more than to take care of me and my children.  I moved him into the home.  After many, many episodes of looking the other way when both children were using drugs and alcohol, I decided that I needed to be more of a parent to them than the friend that I had been.  I began enforcing a zero tolerance policy of drug and alcohol use.  They are obviously angry and feel that my boyfriend has influenced this decision and the changes in me even though these are things as a parent that I should have been enforcing their whole lives.  My son left the home this past weekend after I confronted both he and his sister with marijuana and a pipe that were brought into the home.  He has not contacted me.  My daughter is defiant and has made it clear that if I keep her at home without contact with her friends (who all smoke pot and drink alcohol) that she will make my life hell.  I have had two anxiety attacks in the last 3 days.  I know that I am doing the right thing but am overwhelmed and crushed and feeling hopeless.  I am looking for advice from parents  with experience in either of these two situations - a child (but should be an adult because of his age) who has left home in anger, who wants pot more than the benefits of living at home with mom, and a child who is forced to live at home because they are a minor who is angry and defiant because phone/computer/friends have been taken away as punishment for smoking pot.  I have to believe I am making the right choices for me and for my children but now know why I allowed it to begin with - it was certainly "easier".