Hello everyone I am new to the whole parenting thing, my girlfriend has 3 children none of which are mine, we have known each other for 18 years and have been in a serious relationship for the last year and half. We have been living together for the last year and making the adjustment to being the father figure since their father is not very involved or for that matter responsible enough to be involved has been tough. Since I am not the father I have a tough time getting through to them aside from the 14 year old who took to me rather quickly as a father figure and responds quite well to me, the problem lies with the 13 year old boy and the 6 year old girl who are constantly fighting and being disobedient. How do I show them that I am here to be a father figure that will be around for probably the rest of my life as their mother and I have a great relationship and see marriage in the near future? I just don't know how to get through to them as I am new to this and have no kids of my own, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hey Rob,

I have some experience with this. My husband and I dated for 5 yrs, lived together 2 yrs and have been married for 3 yrs. His, then, 13 yr old son HATED me. His mother encouraged him to misbehave in very inappropriate ways. Once they invented a scenario to have me arrested for child abuse. I knew I had to do something to change things, so I went to therepy to learn how to be a step parent. I have 3 grown children of my own, who I am very close to. This therepist suggested I act as an "adult advisor". Do Not to be their friend and remain a united front as adult parents. It was so hard for me not to throw in my opinion when the child was arguing and the parent was trying to handle a situation. I never, ever disagreed with the parent in front of the child. Leave disapline to the bio-parent. Being supportive is important.

My husband found a wonderful program that helped ALL of us. A man by the name of James Lehman developed a DVD program called "Total Transformation". It helps the parent develop skill sets for disciplining more effectively and the DVD entitled "Two Parents, One Plan" helped us to communicate better about the child. We only fought about the child, not about anything else. That doesn't happen any more.

Well the end of the story is.........I like to come home again. My husband is handling the teenager better. The child is not threatened by my, though he still doesn't like me. However, he does care about my opinion, do I think he did this right, etc. I do not get angry anymore, well, at least not as much, about the situation. I try to give affirmations, saying something nice about the child every day. It helps my attitude and helps him to know I like him. We now have a "family night" where we eat pizza and play board games at the kitchen table. It helps with communication and acceptance. Something to think about.

Good Luck!   - The Evil-Stepmother