Good day, all.  I am a first time mom & stay at home mom.  My daughter is four months old & is an absolute doll.  After having worked for a corporation for 14 years, I wasn't sure how I would handle not going to the office every day, but being with Laurel every day is such an unbelievable blessing.  I absolutely love this time in my life!  Anyway, I am at a point that I'm needing advice/guidance from other stay at home moms.  My spouse & I are starting to have more frequent arguments regarding how to raise Laurel.  Let me preface this by saying that he works full time about five minutes from the house & generally sees her for 2-3 hours each weekday evening & 4-5 hours each weekend day.  Otherwise, she is with me.  He is great with her & she finds him very amusing.  Now, here's an example of what I'm running into...over the weekend he decided that she is 'too attached' to me.  He fed her on Friday evening when he got in from work, then she started to fuss when she got tired.  She only cries when she's wet/dirty, tired, or hungry, so it's a rare thing because I try to catch things before she gets upset.  Anyway, she started to seriously cry & he walked out of the room with her.  As soon as she wasn't able to see me, she got hysterical.  I went to where they were & asked him to give her to me.  He said that someone other than me needs to be able to calm her down.  She is my first priority, so I was willing to take the fight that would ensue later & demanded (in a happy tone so as not to upset her further) that he give her to me, which he did.  She calmed down almost immediately, but continued sniffling &  sobbing quietly before she fell asleep in my arms.  After I put her down for her nap, the argument started (quietly in the other end of the house).  He does not understand that I am a type of 'security blanket' to her at this point & he thinks that he should have the exact same relationship/effect with her.  Is this normal?  Am I totally off base?  Please help me out!  p.s. this is just one of our current issues...

You aren't the first couple to have this argument, and you won't be the last!  The short answer is that you're both right -- and I think you're incredibly lucky to have a husband who is making such an effort to be a part of your daughter's life and routine.  You are a security blanket for her, and it is normal for kids (even very small babies) to have a strong preference for one parent over the other, and it generally changes back and forth throughout their childhoods.  

It sounds like when your husband says she's "too attached" to you, what he means is that he wants to foster her attachment to him a lot more.  That's great!  It sounds like you need to work out in a mutually supportive way how he can get more time with her, and how you can support their relationship in a way that feels comfortable to you.  And you should take advantage of his support to nurture yourself as well.  Believe it or not, there will come a time when you want some more woman time that does not require mom time, and if you can find that desire without having a complete meltdown it will be much better for your family.

A lot of moms transitioning to SAHM from careers find themselves tackling the mom position with the same drive and focus that they spent on their professional lives, and it can lead to us feeling a little territorial and defensive about our role in the family.  It might be worthwhile to consider if you're feeling a little bit that way.  Fourteen years is a long time, and it is very rare to find a woman who doesn't kind of miss it, no matter how much she loves staying home with her family.  It is just a huge transition.

It is unrealistic of your husband to expect that your daughter to have the same relationship with both of you.  That would be unrealistic even if you spent exactly the same amount of time caring for her.  But rather than taking her from him, it's only fair to all three of you if, rather than just taking her away and taking over when he wants to care for her, if you step back and give him the opportunity to work it out.  If he doesn't know she's tired, you can point that out to him and tell him what you do to comfort/settle her, but you have to give him the opportunity to parent too. It might be hard to hear her cry when you know what to do, but it is hard for him to feel helpless in caring for someone he adores, too.  

I don't know what your other issues might be, or who has the rights and wrongs in this particular argument, though my experience has taught me that most arguments involve two people who have both gone a little wrong and who have mutually miscommunicated.  It's great that you are adjusting to your new role so smoothly, and great also that your husband is so determined to be important to your daughter's life.  

Best of luck to both of you as you learn to navigate these new roles you've both taken on, and congratulations on having a great daddy for your daughter!

Something that might help is if he does something with her consistently in the evenings such as gets her ready for bed. When they are tiny it is easy to fall into a one person routine. As she gets older, you're going to need him to take over some times. Give him a special time or thing he can do with your daughter so that he feels needed and included.

I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, so I apologize if it comes across that way.  I've heard so many women talk about husbands who do nothing to help & I'm blessed to have one who wants to be involved.  I have been very focused on making sure that she spends as much time with him as possible so she's not just totally attached to me.  I've always considered the evenings to be his time w/ her & have not been selfish in that regard. She does very well with him & others she knows.  She is a little social butterfly when we take her out.  We went to the pediatrician this morning for Laurel's 4-month appointment & she said that Laurel is doing what 6-month old babies do, so I am very pleased w/ how things are going.  Cindy, I'm sure you hit the nail on the head when you said to consider that I'm pursuing parenting in the same manner as my career.  You are probably right & I hadn't thought of it that way.  I had always put 110% into my career & have even been told by previous significant others that I was more dedicated to my career than I was to my relationship w/ them.  I guess that is carrying over now.  My husband has made the comment recently that I only seem to care about taking care of Laurel & not placing our relationship first.  I don't see our relationship as being the #1 priority now, I see Laurel as #1.  It gets into the whole 'how in the world do I balance things now?'  I feel like I've got everything under control, but he doesn't like that our relationship is different now.  He made a comment over the weekend that he & I need to still have our lives first, then there's Laurel.  I told him that I see it totally the opposite, that she is first in my book, then everything else.  I know I'm not the first to go through this transition issue.  How do you continue to enjoy & be successful w/ your role as Mom & keep Dad happy at the same time?

Hi Andrea, I just wanted to let you know that my 11 month old is very attached to me as well. She always has been and it's been hard because I had her when my other daughter was 17 months old. I do agree with you, I feel that she is too young to seperate her from you when she is upset. I understand your husband's thinking which is completely logical but he isn't thinking emotionally and that's all Laurel is right now. I also agree with you as far as your daughter is first, and everything else follows. Again, your husband is logical and not far off from how I thought before I became a mother but he has to realize that just because he is logical, it doesn't mean it's right, especially to a new mom. Your husband has to understand that you are going through a few major transitions that will take time and when he understands that, you can work on your relationship with him.

Andrea, I know it's really hard to see the importance of putting your relationship with your husband higher on your priority list, but I HIGHLY recommend you make a plan for when and how you are going to start moving it up there -- and share it with him, so he knows that you aren't going to neglect him forever.

I have three kids, a 7 yo daughter, and two boys, 4 and 2.  We've all pretty much been where you are, but as physically demanding as motherhood is now, pretty soon (when she starts approaching 2, or even 18 mos) it's going to become emotionally and mentally taxing as well, more than you can even imagine, and when that happens it is beyond helpful to have an involved and knowledgeable parenting partner in your toolbox.  The only way for that to happen is to put the time and effort into your relationship now.

Some simple things you can do at this point: If you haven't yet, start sleep-training your daughter so that she has a predictable bedtime.  Then designate at least a little bit of time (even if it is just a snuggle while you watch TV) as time with your husband.  Give him some sex, even if you don't feel like it -- you won't regret it, I guarantee it.  I know a lot of women tell their husbands that watching them fold laundry is good foreplay ("choreplay") and takes parenting stress off so they are easier to get excited. And designate at least one night a week as date night.  When my oldest was new we didn't feel comfortable with a babysitter, so date night was just spending time on the screen porch sharing a bottle of wine and talking about anything.  Sometimes it was board games or movies, and lately it has been playing Beatles Rock Band on the xBox.  It really did a lot to help us feel good about each other, to know more or less what page each of us was on, and gave us the kind of understanding that made us a good parenting team.  Whatever gets you spending time with each other with the expectation that you are going to enjoy your time together.  None of this will interfere with your role of Mom and is really good for your baby (especially the sleep-training part).

I respectfully disagree that your husband isn't thinking emotionally -- I think he's being just as emotional as you are and that is part of why you both have had a hard time resolving these disagreements.  And you are both going through a huge transition, so you both deserve consideration, and to have your concerns and worries dealt with lovingly.  

It's TOTALLY COMMON for partners to feel frustrated at the changes in their relationships with one another when a new baby enters the scene.  It's part of why "save the marriage babies" seldom work.  But with a little time and mutual effort a new normal does happen.  You just have to figure out together what you want it to look like AND what Laurel will allow for.  It's not easy, and it's kind of a constant balancing act, but it's totally worth the effort.

I hope I'm not coming off as a total know-it-all here, or that you think I think you're totally in the wrong.  I absolutely don't.  But i"ve been through this three times with babies, and once with my husband getting an MBA while working full time and renovating a house, and I kind of have a bit of a sense for how things look from a longer way down the road.