i have had a rough couple of years, i'm not really even sure how to explain it or how i feel. i am the mother of a 1yr old son, emotionally i have been on my own..my last couple of years i don't really have much to say about i quit my job, stop talking to my friends, pulled away from my family and just focused on my boyfriend and my son.. reason being is my other half got in with the wrong people and became very much so addicted to pills.. the point when i decided to pull away from people is the night he took too many and he was barely concious, and chokein on his spit..and not too long after, one night i was sleeping and i heard a loud bang and when i opened my eyes i was horrified,my boyfriend was on the ground with his eyes in the back of his head twitching..after that i promised myself i would protect him and thought maybe if he knows someone loves him,he wouldn't do it as much.. yea very wrong when ever i would try to pull him away from the pills or his friends he would lash out with very abusive words..never hit me, but i really think mental abuse can be just as bad,so i began to feel like shit about myself, i just didn't care about anything.. i just thought if i try it'll get better.. and it didn't.. i felt worthless.. the couple of things that hurt me were when he said if i was with a girl i actually cared about i wouldn't treat her like this she would be happy and would of had a ring by now, and the thing that killed me is when he looked at me while i was crying begging him to talk to me, make me feel better... he told me he was sorry he loved the pills more than me..so yea after that i became a doormat, i had no say what so ever about anything. so i got him into rehab, and his friends came back into the picture after a month of him doing good, offering him shit..come to find out he wasn't doing good, he just didn't tell me..so now came impatient..i went to the visits, the support groups, i brought him whatever he needed,one night after group i was crying talking to the counsler who ran the group,and his counslor came up and said i don't care what you're talking about. you need to worry about yourself and go home..come to find out that he never told them of how i helped him or about the friends that did offer him things.. he was blaming me, i was his trigger, i'm the reason he did this or that he placed blame on me instead of appreciating everything i did..he made a promise to me when he was in there, that his first day out he would spend with me..so we could catch up and see what happens..instead he showed up to my house with the friend that helped screw him so many times to get his things, and said tommarow i will see you promise.. so i called him that night cause we hadn't talked in 8 days i wanted to catch up and he said you can't call me like this.. i was in shock like what we haven't talked in over a week we have a child together you can't just disapeer. couple days down the road he called again he said he loved me he was just trying to make things better for us. and the time apart would help.. so i understood i took that in.. but the part i didn't get is he doesn't want to see his son and yes time apart helps but, why is it he can't see me even once in 3mths.. not even for an hour.. we can only talk for a few minutes a day, nothing personal at all.. and when easter came up i asked him if he wanted to spend sometime alone with me or spend time with his son for a lil bit.. he told me not to worry bout him and that he did miss his son. but he needs time alone..k i get that.. but the thing that worries me is i'm the only person in his life he can't see everyone else is that was in the picture before is still there..except for me.. and i don't want to see my family fall apart i do need time away from him but i think the time he is asking for is too much, that we would not have any connection if we did it like that.. and the part that hurts me the most is easter he spent our time on the phone blameing me for everything, and talking down to me, talking to me exactly the way he use to, and instead of being understanding and letting me talk he acted as though he knew everything i was thinking.. the messed up part is he walked out over the last couple of years when he just didn't want to deal with his family, and now he constintly reminds me this isn't going to work unless you do what i say, we're not going to be together unless you stop talking to me , i don't understand.. i have alot of hurt and pain that i think he needs to make better, instead of spending his little bit of freetime with his friends he should spend it with me , trying to help me understand, giving me a little support.. he off doing his self recovery or what ever and i'm home with the baby, and the bills, and all the responsibilities.. and no kind of love or support from him.. i'm trying to make my life better i'm just not sure how to do it.. |
