It's probably unrealistic of Dr. Phil to say that stepparents should never discipline. If you are acting as the caregiver when she is in your home, you have an obligation to provide structure and order for your stepdaughter, just as you would if you were a paid babysitter (although of course there is a huge difference between you and a paid sitter/caretaker). I have an almost seven year old and I know that this is a really difficult age -- just like when they are three, they are feeling really capable and want the space to explore that. Not having been through those stages with your stepdaughter, it might be hard for you to identify a lot of those stages and behaviors. Here are my suggestions:
1) Involve her father. She should understand that the two of you are on the same page with regards to what the expectations are in your house so that she can't say you are the "mean" stepmom imposing chores on her as though she were Cinderella. Ideally, you would make up the rules with her dad on your own, then he would present them to her in a family meeting in which he makes it clear that the rules are his to make, and your AND his to enforce. It would be ideal if your husband would involve your stepdaughter's mom in this effort, but if their relationship makes that not possible then it's up to him to be a good dad with only your support.
2) Give her a little autonomy. Don't expect her to clean up after herself as though she were an adult, but say that these things on her list need to be done by x time (in my house it's by dinner time, but whatever works for you). If you can break it up a little for her, and have so many things done by dinner time, and so many done by bedtime, she will probably be more cooperative. Keep an eye on her learning style, too. My daughter is perfectly capable of emptying the dishwasher without help, but when I ask her to do it she pitches a huge fit, because when you open the dishwasher it looks like a huge, complicated job. If I say something like "you empty the silverware and I'll put away the dishes (which are too high for her to reach) and we'll have a race to see who finishes fastest," then suddenly she is excited to do the job. As time goes by you won't need to use those tricks because the job will be less intimidating, but while you are encountering resistance it will be a lot smoother just to baby her along a little bit more than you would think is necessary. This works for pretty much all the tasks you might ask her to do.
3) For every critical or correcting thing you say, say five things that express appreciation or encouragement. If you get to the end of the day and find that it was really rough and you couldn't do it in the moment, then give her positive things to go to bed on, even if they are minuscule. There have been days when I had to really scrounge and finally came up with "I liked the way you styled your hair today" -- even if it was a mess (sometimes you have to just praise the effort). The more you do this the easier it will get to recognize her efforts, and the harder she'll try.
4) Make time to spend with her that doesn't involve tasks. I realize this is hard with a toddler in tow (I have a 2 yo myself) but even if you can get the baby to nap or play quietly herself or something, you can read books, play with makeup, give her a fancy hairstyle, paint toenails (sometimes even just filing and massaging feels like a big treat to them!) or involve her in making dinner doing something that is safe for her. My daughter can slice mushrooms with a mushroom slicer, scrub potatoes, select spices from the spice cabinet, and even make her own vegetables in the microwave (I keep her frozen favorites easy for her to reach). These things add to their feelings of competency and give you something positive to talk about and praise her for over dinner. Sometimes we make jello for dessert just so I can give her something to mix while I'm cooking. Involve her in playing with and caring for the baby so that you can nurture her relationship with her sister and give her some incentive for feeling good about being at your house.
I don't think that you are having a hard time connecting with her because she didn't come from your body. I think it is hard because she is at a difficult age, and you haven't had the benefit of knowing her from a baby, so you aren't as familiar with her and haven't been through all those ages with her. My daughter is mine, and utterly precious to me, but I often find myself at a complete loss for how to manage our relationship and feel totally insecure about whether my expectations and methods are reasonable or not. I question whether sending a 7 yo to the corner is effective discipline at that age (I prefer to take away privileges, like television, etc.) but I'm not in your house so I don't want to say that's a bad idea. Manage your expectations, too. If you ask her to clean something up and she grumbles but does it, then let it go (pretend not to hear). If she gives you bad sass or total defiance, then discipline THAT.
If you can it might be a good idea to cultivate friendships with other moms of school-aged kids so you can have a little more insight into how that age works. Do you let her have friends over to her house? That might make her feel better too. It's clear that you care about your stepdaughter but it seems that she's not getting that sense from you, so it is important that you really focus on letting her know that she is important to you, especially if the baby is making her feel a little displaced (I know that I felt that way when my baby brother was born, and I was 12!) It is not unreasonable of you to expect her to participate in doing her share to support the family, but it is way easier if she feels like she's a member of a team and not a staff.
Good luck!! This is such a tricky thing to manage, and it can be very hard to have patience, but it will pay off if you make an effort. Let us know how things go. |
