Im having some issues with dating. But i was in a bad relationship with my sons "father". I was raped, so the thought of dating is way out there to me. I feel that i will be harmed again. I feel that every guy is the same, sort of. I know that i could find a nice guy that would treat me right but the thought of going through the process to see if a relationship is "going to work" scares me more that words can say. Anytime a guy looks at me, i panic. I never leave my house. And the thing that kills me the most, is that my son doesnt have a father. He is 5 months old. And the way its going now, he will never have a father because of my fears. Any advice?

I know what you are going through, I was raped by my son's father and he is now 18 years old.  I raised him with the help of my mother, sister, and his uncle's and he turned out just fine!  He will be attending college next semster and I have never had any problems out of him and he is a happy adult now.  Just advice to you spend as much time with him as you can.  Because they will remember if you did.  Don't talk bad about his father and tell him the truth when he ask you about him.

I will never forget when my son asked about his dad for the first time when he was 12 years old and I had a picture of him and that was that.  He is trying to find him, because he said he doesn't want anything from him, he just wants to meet him face to face.

I have taught my son also when he dates when a woman says "no" she means "no", and walk away.

So if you would like to talk you can contact me @ my email address @ blessedtotally@yahoo.com

Honika

Hi AydansMommy-

While I do not have the same type of story you do, I can say that my 5 yo son's alcoholic father preferred to force me while I was pregnant even tho I it hurt like being stabbed.  Finally, when my son was 3 mos. I kicked his father out for good.  I agree with Honika that you should know what you will say when the day comes that your son asks about his dad.  My 5 yo has asked and even tho I do not enjoy the "half-truths" I tell him, I try very hard not to say mean things about his dad. Other than that, just raise him the best you can to respect you and others. 

As for your fears, have you thought about a counselor?  I don't mean a major psychiatrist or anything but just someone you can talk over your feelings with and try to work them out.  Until you can get to a place in your mind where you can box up the event and put it away, not lock it up, just put it away on your own terms, your fears of leaving the house and of new men probably will not change.  And they could grow worse.  Your local United Way should be able to point you in the direction of cheap or free counselors.  There should also be rape-specific counselors in your area.  All you have to do is take advantage of the people there to help.  No one can make you, and for you and your son's sake, I really hope you are able to give it a try. 

It's taken almost six years but I have been dating a man for five months now.  Doesn't seem like much but, for me, it is HUGE.  Not only because he is wonderful but because he loves my kids too.  My 5 yo and my 19-mos old.  My younger son's father ditched as soon as he found out I was pregnant.  I think I have finally found a better man.  Just takes time and lots of work.  Now I know I don't need a significant other, it is my CHOICE to have one.  And that makes all the difference for me.  My own confidence has seemed to attact more of the "right" men.

Good luck to you!  And if you ever want to chat - evansj86@hotmail.com.

Janie

Yes, of course that is normal.  I can empathize too.  Please don't be in any hurry to date.  Focus on your relationship with your son and go see a counselor.  I cannot stress how important that is.  Like Janie said, it's just someone to talk to who can help you sort out your feelings.  And not all counselors are the same, so if you find one who, after a few sessions, you aren't that comfortable with or just doesn't feel helpful, try to find another one.  If you do not see a counselor but end up finding the strength to date, maybe you think you've found the man of your dreams, I can assure you it won't work, because your repressed feelings about what happened to you will show up in many ways that will get in the way of so many aspects of your life.  If you want to lead a normal life and eventually find a loving father for your child who will treat both of you like gold, you need to get help for yourself first. The longer you wait, the worse it will get.  And the scariest part is, if you start to feel better on your own, that likely means your feelings are only being pushed deeper within you and becoming more and more dangerous like a time bomb waiting to explode out of you when you least expect it. So PLEASE please go to a counselor as soon as you can. Don't wait!