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| Parents of Teens |
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| Im really not sure even where to begin. my 17 year old daughter was shot 4 times out side her high school by her ex boyfriend who then shot himself. That day we found out she was pregnant yes by him. She really isn't wanting to talk about it still .. its been since march. She doesn't want counseling.. yes we have went She insists she is fine. I think i just would like some one to talk to......... |
| Posted by RHonda on 07/24/2007 10:46 PM
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Wow! That must have been so traumatic! Did she lose the baby because of the shooting? Did ex-boyfriend die when he shot himself?
Teenagers and toddlers are remarkably similar. One way is how they handle intense emotion: they don't know how to express it appropriately for their age so they act out (bite/get in trouble) or try to ignore it (not playing with others/staying home & not talking about it).
You can't make her talk. But you can let her know that you are there to listen when she's ready. You can let her know that it's ok to say things like, "I'm glad he died because of what he did to me." And it's also ok to say, "I still love and miss him very much."
You sound like you are very sensitive to her. You are welcome to talk on this board anytime. |
| posted by Kelly on 07/25/2007 09:30 AM
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Rhonda, you and your family have endured so much pain.The good thing is that you are here, in a forum that allows parents to express their concerns, problems, etc. with teens. I have been here many times, and just knowing I have a circle of supportive parents really helps.
Has this been a relationship that you have approved of? Were they planning on getting married? Was she planning on terminating the pregnancy or the fact that she was pregnant set him off on a shotting spree? Was his intention to kill her, or just scare her, or did he permanently harm her-paralyze limbs? A lot of unanswered questions probably still evolve around the chain of events.
It's a good thing that she has a supportive mother who will welcome the baby. Does this mean you are planning on raising the infant, or is your daughter mature enough to handle a baby on her own? How is your family handling/adjusting to the situation?
She must have an obstetrician overseeing her pregnancy. Is there any one in that office that she can talk to outside her office visits?
How about a church? Do you participate in the church? I would think the pastors or someone in the congregation would speak with her.
Religion is a powerful prayer.
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| posted by esther on 07/25/2007 03:23 PM
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Yes Jessicas baby is fine. She will be born on August 3rd. Yes David did die when he shot himself. JEss had only dated him for a very short time aug to dec. Then she broke up with him because he was getting aggressive in ways im sure i shouldn't talk about. NO she wasn't trying to get pregnant. and no neither of them new.
yes his intention was to kill her. And we aren't sure what use if any she will regain of the arm. She has more surgerys coming. We did let jess know she had options. If she was not ready to keep this baby we explained to her adoption options. It was her choice to keep the baby. We will be taking care of her and the baby as much as we need to.
As far as how we are adjusting... I really don't know? I really feel like we are just going through the motions most days. my aunt gave me some great words of wisdom long ago - she told me fake it til you can make it. So im just doing what i need to do . Trying to be a good mom and trying to meet everyones needs.
We have tried taking her to counseling.... NOT a sucess,,,,
Yes we do go to church. Our Pastor makes regular visits to see jess but she doesn't want to talk about the shooting or David.
Now that its getting close to the baby being born Davids mom is calling and stopping by. Jess is struggling with that also.
Thank you all so much . for talking with me. It really does make me feel better. ! |
| posted by RHonda on 07/26/2007 12:07 PM
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Boy, I can see how dealing with his mom must be hard, but I guess she's wanting to be a part of the baby's life, since her son is gone now.
I'm not so sure that Jess not wanting to talk about it is a bad thing. She was the event, then she had to tell what happened who knows how many times, then she's heard others' comments - good, bad, and indifferent. She probably just needs to process all that, compare it to her own thoughts and feelings, and when she comes to the point where it's not too much to talk about it anymore, then she'll talk.
In the meantime, I'm so glad she has a mom like you, who is being so supportive. I was 19 when I got pregnant unexpectedly. Even though I was legally an adult, I was emotionally a young teenager. My parents weren't thrilled about the whole situation, but they accepted it, enjoyed the pregnancy with me and spoiled the dickens out of their first grandchild.
Fake it 'til you make it is very good advice. Gradually this tragedy will be less important, and less important, and there will be a day, I promise, that you actually don't think about it. That doesn't diminish it's impact on your lives, it just means that it's not the only think to ever happen and eventually other things are more important to think about than what happened.
You all are still pretty raw at this point, I imagine. A few months is not enough time for the wounds to have healed, and for you and your daughter to decide what the scars are going to be like. I'm sorry counseling didn't work out for you all. Perhaps, in another time and situation, your daughter might actually get something from it.
If she knows that you are talking to others about this, let her know that I am praying for her. Even if you don't tell her, at least you know I'm praying for the both of you. |
| posted by Kelly on 07/26/2007 01:21 PM
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| I thank you so much! You have no idea how nice it has been to talk to someone.While reading your letter I don't know why i started to cry. I guess that the thought of someday going through a whole day without thinking about this.... I guess it just made me emotional. I really can't wait for that day! Thank you again Soooooooooooooo much! Ill talk to you soon. RHonda |
| posted by RHonda on 07/26/2007 01:33 PM
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