I have a 7 month old little boy who will not put himself to sleep or sleep through the night.  I am trying the CIO method, and it's killing me.  I've tried everything else, and it didn't work so this is my last resort.  I know that it won't hurt him, that he won't remember, but it is heartbreaking to hear him cry.  My husband is deployed so I feel very alone.. It's five after midnight, and I've been at this for a little over an hour.  I started going in every three minutes to calm him down, then five and so on.  He'll calm down when I go in, but starts screaming the instant I walk out.  I know there are others out there who have gone through the same thing.. I just need someone to tell me that I'm not a horrible mom, and I'm doing the right thing.

I went trough the same thing. I read books and tried every thing . The cry out was the only method works for us. I had to hide on his room to be sure he was just crying for me and was safe.  The first day he cried for 1 hour on and off and 2 day was 30 minuts and 3rd day DONE!! Try no to go to his room every time hi crys because he will do it again. Be strong. You are not a bad mom! Have him on rutine during the day. If he is fed, changed diapper so and he is crying just for you....go to your garage and go buy groceries I know some moms do that to avoid the screamming. I was crying to went hi was going to this process but my husband help me and encourage me to do this. My son LUcas is almost 4 years old and have another baby went trough the same method too and now the are a great!! Let me know if can help you with any thing!!!

First remember that as a mom we all find our own ways of dealing and doing. You are trying to find the best way for your child, you will NEVER be a bad mom for that!

The first step to stopping the maddness really has nothing to do with your child. Children feed off of our energy and our feelings. So the question is what is making you feel stressed or sad? I think as mothers we forget sometimes that we exist also. It is extremely important to feed and love yourself as a woman in order to become an amazing mother.

SO... my advice or prescription to you is as follows...

Take 10 min for yourself if you can, about an hour before it would be the baby's sleep time. Take a hot shower, decompress! Relax, breathe, imagine that the water running down on you is washing away your sorrows, your stress. Do not think about how you have to hurry or think about what you still have left to do, leave your worries on the other side of that shower curtain. This is your time, it may be 5 min or ten min but its yours, ONLY for you. So relax and breathe. Once you come out CALM and refreshed, create that same inner peace you carry now inside of you to your outside world. Dim the lights put on soothing sounds either on your tv or your radio but you must remain relaxed. And love your child, give him kisses and dont allow yourself to feel overwhelmed with the assumption that he will be as irritable tonight as he was last night. Leave that extra stress FARRRR away from the baby. Otherwise everynight at bedtime their will be anxiety on your part and anxiety on his from whats to come. Allow him to feel without you feeling stressed out for him. Young children need lots of love and affection, this brings them security but they cannot feel that if you are not feeling that within and for yourself.

I know its hard, I have a tempermental 6 1/2 month old boy but patience and love cure ALL. If he starts crying feed him, change his onsie, change the position you're holding him in, give him a kiss, no matter how loud he cries and yells tell him gently " Its ok", and never loose your tranquility and calmness!!! Keep doing this over and over if you have to, until he is asleep. Once he is asleep you can cry and release whatever sentiments you might have been trying to calm down within yourself.

Trust me, feed love, attention, and relaxation to YOURSELF and your child will follow your same aura.

My sister is a first time mother with a husband in the military, I know what you must feel at times and how alone and overwhelming it can become but you must find peace within yourself. Care for yourself and if you need anything I will be here.

PS: You can also look into the teachings of Ina May Gaskin, a very wise midwife and/or you can also find me here http://www.examiner.com/x-23109-Henderson-Single-Moms-Examiner.

I'm an active duty wife and went through the CIO during my husband's last deployment too. My daughter was 15 months at the time though. CIO was my last resort too. It was tough. I tried the whole going in every 5 minutes increments but it didn't work - it seemed to make my daughter's crying worse. So worse came to worse, I had to truly do CIO in which I didn't go in at all all night. (I still did her normal bedtime routine but took out the checking in on her every few minutes when she cried.) Oddly, the first week she did great..she only cried for 20 minutes and went to sleep. The second week was hell. She cried for 2-3 hours straight...(It's kids' way of testing the permanancy of a new routine I guess.) I thought I would lose my mind and I was feeling horrible putting her through that. The day I decided I was gonna give up and quit (probably day 7), she cried for 2 minutes and went to sleep. Since that day, she goes to sleep on her own great. I'm not gonna lie - it was real tough especially since my husband wasn't there. But it was also probably better because my husband can't stand the baby crying and he would have given in sooner than me..lol. Once the baby was finally out of my bed and self soothing herself - I had to learn how to soothe my own self...with baby and husband out of my bed and sleeping alone..it took me awhile. Good luck on the deployment and I hope your husband stays safe. If you need anything, let me know. I've been there.

Well You are doing very well with the CIO...how about instead of leaving the room just sit in the corner or stand next to the door so he doesn't see you

hi, I had the same problem with my son, I nursed him to sleep until he was 1 - before that I had tried to let him cry himself to sleep..but it was too hard on me.  Anyways, during the year I read pretty much EVERy book that I could find on sleeping...I combined them all together, and what I did was - I'd do his bedtime routine(story + bath), then I would lie down with him and nurse him, then I say the same words when he's done nursing, (it's bedtime, nightynighty, I love you, etc...) and then I put him down in his crib.  For the first 4-5 nights, I sat becide him in a chair...the first night - he cried, but not hystarically, for about 45 mins- just complaining... I just kept saying..."lay down please...it's night, night time..." OVER AND OVER!!  I read that babies have such a hard time falling asleep on thier owns after we have helped them because they don't know to lie down to go to sleep - we've always helped them!!

anyways, each night, for the next 5 nights I sat becide him, told him to lie down, patted his little pillow a million times, and by the 5th night, he would wine for mabye 5 - 10 min...then lie down and go to sleep!

Then, for the next 5 days I would do the night time routine, I would say "night, night, bed time love you, etc.." put him down in his crib and go into the hallway...from there I would tell him to lie down and go to sleep, (so he couldnt see me...)...he wined a bit the first couple nights, but I was still there to reasure him..and talk to him..(only say the same few phrases/words though!).  The LESS he cried, the LESS i talked to him!Then by the 5th night he would just lie down and talk to his teddy and fall asleep on his own...( I didn't stay in the hallway, unless he was crying...)

About 2 weeks after he would go dowm by himself, he had a relapse..and started crying at night, I just stood in the hallway and told him to lie down, only when he was crying hard...

Now he just babbles to his teddy and goes to sleep, I don't need to be there, or in the hallway...

The thing that I'm having trouble with is night wakings, sometimes he will go back to sleep, but sometimes not....he crys hard...(I sleep in the same room as him, so he can see me...I usually just go sit by him and pat his pillow and tell him to go to sleep...it usually works...but sometimes I have to pick him up if he is crying REALLY hard...

Hope that helps,

angela

Does anyone have any advice for night time wakings when they cry extra hard??

angela, i don't know what to do about that. my daughter used to sleep in my bed at night, and in her crib that was in my room during the day for naps. but when i did the cio i had moved the crib to her room and after she learned to self soothe in those 2 weeks, she sleeps great - the whole night through. if she woke up, she knew how to put herself back to sleep. i would work on having your baby sleep in a different room, if that is possible. because i think he knows that if he cries hard enough, you are gonna pick him up - so work on not doing that no matter how hard he cries (unless he's sick or has a dirty diaper and needs to be changed or has wet the bed of course).

You're doing a great job, Angela!  We went through the same thing, and I can't imagine going through all this on my own.  It's very hard.  Just keep doing what you're doing--eventually, he'll get the idea.  Like I said, we went through the same thing, and now most of the time our son knows the routine:  bottle, stories in his crib, then night night.  Now, he anticipates it and he usually puts himself to sleep without us going in there even once.  But it took a few months to get to that point.  You're not a bad mom--you're teaching him that it's okay to be by himself, that you're still around, and that he can put himself to sleep on his own.  Keep it up, girl!

wow, thanks for all the responses! i know that other people have done the CIO method, and it worked for them but it's really nice to hear your personal stories. i'm staying with family now during my husband's deployment and my son's crib has been in my bedroom, but tomorrow i'm moving him into his own room and starting fresh. thanks to all of your support, i'm now more determined than ever to have this work! i've got my fingers crossed, my tissues ready and some deep breathing exercises in mind :) thanks again!

We had to do the CIO with our daughter, too.  I would suggest not going back into the room, because it is probably just starting the whole process all over again.  For us it was 1 hour the first night and then after that it was only 10 min. or less.

I didn't want my son to feel abandon to cry by himself, that's why I did it the way that I did...just my opinion though...

I totally understand why one would try the cry-it-out method thinking that is the only way. However it is not. Every child is different but none of them deserves to be left alone to cry, and for an hour or more in some cases? Can you imagine being in his / her shoes? What do you think goes through their beautiful, innocent little heads? I agree with Angela. They do feel abandoned and you would not want someone you love to feel this way, especially your little baby. Of course there are as many opinions as there are parents, doctors and researches on the topic of sleep, but there is one that makes perfect sense. Babies drift off into deep sleep after crying because they usually do after experiencing trauma. So do adults. Just think about it and try to remember the last time you cried so hard that in the end you just litteraly passed out into deep sleep (when there was nobody to console you). Sometimes it seams to work because several nights later the baby does not cry for so long, but how do we know that the absence of crying is not due to something else (like them losing confidence in their caretaker, not trusting that they will come to comfort them). I know how desperate the situation can get with sleep. I have a 10.5 month old baby girl and we have had issues with sleep even though she has mostly slept through the night for a while now. However when she does cry, I go to her right away. In my situation it is mostly the fact that I absolutely cannot tolerate hearing her cry (I thought I would get used to it, but after 10.5 months I did not). I have nursed her to sleep since she was born and am continuing to do so knowing that soon I will have to train her to go to sleep without nursing. She does wake up at night several times, I am sure, but almost never cries. She goes back to sleep even though she was never taught how to self-sooth. I recently bought the "No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. I only started reading it and know that it is not a magical book that will make my baby go to sleep by herself without crying and stay this way through the night every night. However I am ready to try and am gathering my patience for failure. Like the book says, to teach babies to sleep there are two roads - one through crying and the other one through time. It might take longer to teach them without letting them "cry it out", but it is definitely the time well spent. You never know what it does to them if you let them "cry it out". The research on this is not complete.

Once again, this is just an opinion. Good luck to everybody.

Anastasia - I agree with you if it is done too early. Most experts I've read say it is NEVER to be done with an infant younger than 6 months old. But many experts including pediatricians prescribe CIO method. I personally would wait until an infant was closer to 12 months or older. I wasn't ready to do it until mine was 15 months and I had exhausted all other methods too. I think as long as CIO is done consistently, the goal is accomplished quicker and in an untraumatizing way. I believe if CIO traumatized my daughter, she would still not be sleeping well and be deathly afraid to be left alone (especially in the dark) and she would have still continued crying weeks and weeks after I had started CIO. But she's not and she didn't. In fact, she loves bedtime and goes to sleep as soon as lights are out. Some times she doesn't want to go to sleep because of her age and she wants to keep playing but not because she can't sleep or is afraid to be alone in her room after dark. I'd rather do CIO than give up altogether and never give my daughter some tools to learn to self-soothe and sleep on her own and let her sleep in my bed or use me as a pacifier or lovey. It's a lifelong lesson that I wanted to teach my child how to sleep well on her own and to be an independent person.

 My daughter is now almost 3 years old and is a very confident little girl for her age who sleeps well at night and at naptime. On the contrary, I know other toddlers who never learned to self-soothe (by any method) and their parents can't get them out of their beds and when they are alone in their rooms at night or the day, they just scream and scream. I have a 9 week old girl now and I will do CIO with her after 12 months old if she hasn't learned to sleep on her own in her crib with all the other methods by then. 

I hate it when my children cry too (I never got used to it). But if I let my parenting be dictated by my hate of hearing my child cry, then I would be in a lot of trouble. As you know, children will use crying as an effective manipulation tactic. What will you do when your child is a toddler and cries when she doesn't get her way? Will you give in? If you allow your toddler/preschooler to cry, doesn't mean you're a bad mother. Just like if you tell your child "No", you are not a bad mother, so long as you do so in a balanced, disciplined and consistent manner. In fact, if you NEVER tell your child No because you don't want them to cry or feel bad, then you are depriving that child of a lifelong lesson - feeling safe and learning there are limits, boundaries, self-control and you can't always have it your way or get what you want.

I have a friend who HATES to hear her son cry and hated the idea of CIO. She believes that allowing her child, who is now almost 3 years old, to cry would mean she's a bad mother. Her son now uses crying to manipulate and control her in a very extreme way and he still hasn't learned to go to sleep alone..she has to lay in his bed for him to fall asleep (and later when he wakes up he goes to sleep in her bed anyway) or he has to sleep in her bed from the start.

I'm not set on CIO being the only method to teach an old infant or young toddler how to go to sleep and stay asleep on their own. If other methods work, that's wonderful! But if they don't and you have to resort to CIO, then I think that's okay too and doesn't mean you are some inhumane person inflicting cruel and unusual torture on your child. I don't think an adult will look back at their parents and say "I'm screwed up because you let me cry it out as a baby." People who are screwed up are screwed up for other reasons and for other parenting choices/mistakes..but not for using CIO method before the age of 2.

You gotta do what's best for your child according to your child's personality/temperment and age/development. There is no one set method to teach any lesson. Every child is different. Every circumstance is different. In parenting, you must adapt and overcome.

That's my opinion anyway...

Good luck :)

 Cynthia. Thank you for your response.

The woman who started this discussion, Amanda, has a 7-month old so I was referring mostly to her particular situation and CIO method. You also seam to agree that a 7-month old might be too young for CIO. Undoubtedly nature of baby's / child's crying changes as they grow. Also, the matter of letting your older baby / child get their way just because you hate to hear them cry is 100% separate and different from letting them CIO at night when they might feel scared, alone, abandoned, uncomfortable and even sick. CIO method does not protect from these possibilities. Even when you learn to recognize different ways in which your baby cries when they actually need your care (like in the case they are sick), you can miss it if you are determined to let them cry it out. You cannot compare CIO method to teaching your child that crying will not get them what they want every time. Even though I do hate hearing my baby cry (like all parents do I am sure), I am not going to willingly let her manipulate me in the future by crying. That is very important, I agree, but, as I said, totally different matter from CIO. I don't believe that allowing your child to cry, when they are just crying to get their way, means that you are a bad mother / parent. On the contrary, this is part of helping them in the long run. You have to learn how to say No to your child, absolutely you have to. Otherwise they will be confused and more frustrated for the lack of discipline. I don't even believe that anyone who uses CIO is a bad parent. As long as you do your best for your child, you are a great parent (God knows it is not easy :-) ). CIO is, like you said, "prescribed" by some pediatritians and other doctors. On the other hand, my pediatritian prescribed tumiflu medicine (the one prescribed agains Swine Flu) to my then 8-month old baby who had very minor cold and if I just followed her prescription without further research, I would have given it to her. I did, however, do my research and found out that this medicine, besides having horrible side effects, is not even FDA approved for a baby younger than 1 year old. So trusting pediatritians and doctors is not always a good way to go when it comes to your baby. Your inner voice, mommy's intuition is a much more reliable source in certain situations.

A lot of parents use CIO method not as a last resort, like you did, but as the only way to teach their baby the very important skill of self-soothing. And what I tried to say in my previous posting is that it IS NOT the only method and I completely agree with you that it is NOT one to be used on a very young infant before 12 months of age and definitely not before 6 months. I am glad to see if worked for you, but you did seam to use it on an older child after using other methods and by 15 months of age the baby probably understands more of what is happening than when they are younger than 12 months. I will also have to face teaching my baby to self-sooth. She is now 10.5 months and I will not willingly deprive her of the ability to fall asleep on her own and sooth herself back to sleep when she wakes up at night. However I am preparing myself to go the long way. The non-CIO method is definitly more time-consuming and requires more patience, but in the end it is totally worth it. The result we all long for is the same - baby going to sleep without problems and sleeping peacefully, able to self-sooth - but the road is up to us. I would rather take more time, but let the method be more gentle and soothing than CIO. You did as well, so we are not that different.

Patience, gentle approach and kindness should be some of the main ingredients in raising children. Other than these, "adapt and overcome" is what we must do, as you shrewdly observed in your posting.

Good luck to all of you once again.

Anastasia - Yep, I agree with you on all points. I know the crying and CIO are two separate things but I mentioned them both together because from my experience, the two are relevant and the parents I know treat both the same way. Some can not distinguish the difference and develop parenting issues. It's crazy about that pediatrician who wanted your baby to take the tamiflu. I'm glad you didn't and found out about it first. Like you said, not all "experts" are really experts and make mistakes. And I've heard pediatricians conflict with each other's advice as well. For example, I have a new baby and one pediatrician, a man, told me that I only need to breastfeed for 7 minutes and any more than that my baby is using me as a pacifier. Another pediatrician, a woman, said 10 or 15 minutes wasn't enough and it should be for at least 20-30 minutes on each breast. With both doctors, I didn't even ask their opinion on my breastfeeding. I still didn't listen to either of them and I go by what my baby needs and demands and her weight, development and nutritional needs are met just great. That's why I said, do what's best according to you and your child. What works for one child, might not for another. Glad we could have this discussion. Have a great day :)

Hello all! Since I originally started this post, I just wanted to give an update. The CIO method sucks, but it works! The first night my son cried for 45 minutes on and off, and I was going into his room every 10 minutes or so to calm him until he drifted off. Then the second night, he only cried for 30 minutes and the third night it was only 10. Now when I lie him down, he may whine a little but mostly he just babbles to Andy (his stuffed elephant) for about 5 minutes, and then he's out, AND he sleeps longer and more soundly than ever before. It's great. He wakes up in the greatest mood; I love it. I just want to say thanks again to all of those who offered their support and shared their own experiences with me, because that's what I was looking for on here, not approval. Yay for success and a sleeping baby! :)

Amanda I am VERY glad that it worked for you.  And this will allow you to get a more restfull sleep also.  Happy sleeping :)

So happy for you, Amanda!  One thing I'll mention that happened with our son:  Every once in a while he'll have a night or a few nights where we feel like we're going backwards--it's like he's never put himself to sleep before!  Then we're worried/confused:  Is something wrong or do we need to keep up the pattern?  Sometimes we go in, sometimes we let him cry.  We've decided on nights like those we'll go in the room, but we won't get him out of his crib.  But some of our friends tell us that their kids get MORE upset if they see their parents but their parents don't get them out of bed.  I say just do what works best for you.  If you love your child and have good times together when you're both awake, I say it's okay to let him put himself to sleep by this age. But I know some people disagree.  It's hard being a parent and not knowing the right thing to do.  Congratulations on getting some rest!!!  Best wishes!