Hi, I'm new on this site. I have a 16 yr old son and he is so hard to deal with. He is on drugs, only thinks about himself and disrupts the house when he is there. Yesterday he told me he wished that his father (divorced) lived in the same town as we did, so he would live with him. I love him so, but I am so stressed and can't get past feeling like a failed mother. I don't have any support, people are just quick to judge me.

Carol,

What ever you do, Dont Give up!!!! As easy as it sounds and sometimes even sounds like a good idea you cant give up on him. Let me explain a little about my situation. I have a 15 year old daughter. She has been sexually active since 13, stole money (thousands) and credit cards, she stole my Jeep and ran away and she has even been involved with drugs and alcohol and juvenile detention. As horrible as this sounds I am making light of the situation but want you to understand that I know what your going through. Teens are radical they are out of control and we as parents are judged harshly for their behavior. I have been shumnned from my family and almost have lost my marriage over this. Its terrible, it tramatizes us and leaves us feeling like there is no answer and like we are the ones out of control. I got involved and I mean involved. I went to the school. I told them what was going on and got them involved. I went to DCFS and pleaded for there help and they are involved so much that they are paying for my daughter to be counciled 2 times a week. I got another outreach program involved who go to her school and set with her. keep in mind she is a sophmore and she hates it. I also got the parents involved that she was hanging out with and they dont like it either but I refuse to keep letting kids run my life. I also got a drug and alcohol support group for her and she is involved with them and probation and the courts. It sounds like alot and theres more coming that she dont know but she has made my life hell for the past 2 years and enough is enough . I love her as you do yours. I have failed at being inconsistent and I admit its the hardest thing I have ever done. I let my daughter walk on me and control me and only to see that it caused her more grief than me.  The most important part to healing is dealing and that is what you have to do with him. Deal and be consistent. You may be asking where do I start . Well you already have by posting this . you know you need something and you admit it so call the church or call the department of family services and get resources for help and not just for him ask for it for yourself . I wasn't alowed to vent for same reasons of judgement so I got myself into counsling and it works It doesnt mean your crazy it means your serious.  You havent failed as  a mother either. that is exactly how I felt . I still sometimes feel like I have but I fear it more than anything. Dig your heels in and take control. He needs you whether he admits it or not. Trust me. They do. Hang in there and feel free to email me anytime.

Hi Lisa,

I just feel lost and confused. After yesterdays fight, he will be an angel for about 2 weeks. Then Godzilla returns hard, fast and furious. I've done the parents involvement, friend involvement(they tell me that Rob is a jerk for what he does to me) school involvement etc. I am cutting off his allowance until he actually does his laundry. Last time was 2 1/2 weeks ago. His room sinks. I have told him that and he said fine..... That's him being good for the time being.

Carol

I know my daughter was the same way, seemed as though she was an angel during the day and at night turned into the devil. If you really tried all that stuff then you may need to send him to a residential care. Some are extremely expensive and the success rates are amazing. I couldn't afford it but their is financing available for some. He will freak but check into them leave some paper work lying around, so he can see your serious. Call DCFS and make them help you. They will help they are there for parents who have unjust children too. taking away everything from them is a start but I assure  you it didn't work for me. I grounded her and she would sneak out I stopped all of it. finally I turned her in to the police and they took her to juvenile detention. It was the hardest thing I ever did and seeing her was even more heart wrenching. But I needed help I was for sure of one thing If I didn't do it I was going to lose her. dead or alive I was was going to lose her.

How serious is your son's onvolvement in drug use? I think that that can determine a lot. Drugs change a person and cause irrational behavior. On the other hand, some of what you describe about your son doesn't seem that atypical for a teen- the mood swings, impulsive behavior, and irrational tendencies. You are a little vague about what type of trouble he is in and how serious it is. Is he skipping school or is he stealing from people? Since your son is 16, I would encourage him to have a part time job and cut the allowance completely- unless he is earning it by doing jobs around the house. This will give him responsibility and it will not be you telling him what to do. Is he involved in any activities at school? Most schools have a wide variety of sports, clubs, and other things that meet interests such as anime ir guitar. What about outside of school? If drug use is a serious problem, then I would suggest that you speak with his guidance counselor and find out what options are available for help. An outpatient group may help. If he is totally out of control, then you will definitelyneed to enlist more intense help from other organizations. NONE of this however reflects your ability as a parent. You would only be a failure if you did nothing and did not care.

Hi Kendra,

He has tried quite a few drugs, not just pot. He goes out to get high and in the ZONE...He has pending criminal charges and the lawyer is $400.00 per hour. He thinks it is a joke that he got arrested and has said numerous times he will make her pay for involving the police. He doesn't go to a regular high school, because he can't cope with people. He goes to an Alternative school where there is around 20 kids in the class and one subject is taught per month. He has stolen from me and other people and I only give him allowance when he does his chores. I have done the 3yrs of counselling for him and hypnotherapy as well as the medication. He will not go to anymore counsellors. I have taken him to emerg on a suicide threat and had him taken by police as well. I dont get any support from his bio father(he smokes him up) or my new husband. Go to go to work now, chat later. Thanks,

Carol

Wow- $400 per hour? That is an awful lot. Don't they have some sort of public defender or something? I am so sorry for you. This is obviously a situation that is not within your control by any means. I am sure your heart is breaking every day. I understand about the school as I was a high school teacher for ten years.

My mother had a difficult time with my older brother when he was a teenager. He would not get up for school half of the time, he used drugs, although I think it was mostly pot, and there were other issues. Finally, she had to kick him out of the house. I was maybe 13 or 14 at the time and I remember how difficult it was for her. But the things he was doing were tearing her apart and affecting me. Maybe you will just have to let him go in order for him to find his own way and get better. You will always love him, but you don't have to live with his self-destruction and abuse anymore. Perhaps he needs a group home. Maybe he needs to live with his bio father to see what it is really like.

Obviously I really can't offer any advice for this. Just know that you are not alone and you are not at faut for your son's bad choices. Good luck in whateveryou do!

Mom, have you tried "Tough Love" and bounce him out! $400.00 an hour, criminal charges, etc. I would not get him a lawyer. I would let him go to jail, and do the time. As long as you help him, he will not help himself. One day he will realize that he messed up his life. Not you, nor anyone else for that matter. He has issues that you can not resolve. Only he can, if he wants.

Don't think that you have failed as a parent. Parenting is hard work, with no rule book to follow. Parents make up rules as we go along, or whatever works in our household. We try our best and the best for our kids.

My nephew was the same way with his mom and dad. They paid the best lawyers in town to help with their son, in and out of rehabs 5 times, got his GED, and technically ruined his life. He is now 36, with a rap sheet, living at home with mom and dad, and currently unemployed.

My son and I just had it out. He is a good kid when he wants. He will not under no circumstances win an arguement, nor will he tell me what to do. I own this house, and if wants to continue living here, things need to change, and its not me, its him. Looking at himself is something he does not like to do. For that matter, I don't think anyone does.

I urge you to go get counseling. Let the healing begin.

Hi Esther,

I have started counceling for myself. He will not go to anymore councelors. You are insiteful and you have a lot of wise words. Yes, I did kick him out in the summer and alowed him back in after 2 weeks. He promised to change. Guess what, He Didn't. The councelor told me a few things that you have mentioned and I am going to try them. He is a good kid at heart. He just doesn't want to do the work on changing. I am changing my outlook. If he doesn't like it he will have to make the decision if he wants to stay. The way he is, right now I don't want him in my home. It pains me to say that, but I'm going for a nervous breakdown.

Carol

Hi Esther,

I have started counceling for myself. He will not go to anymore councelors. You are insiteful and you have a lot of wise words. Yes, I did kick him out in the summer and alowed him back in after 2 weeks. He promised to change. Guess what, He Didn't. The councelor told me a few things that you have mentioned and I am going to try them. He is a good kid at heart. He just doesn't want to do the work on changing. I am changing my outlook. If he doesn't like it he will have to make the decision if he wants to stay. The way he is, right now I don't want him in my home. It pains me to say that, but I'm going for a nervous breakdown.

Carol

Hi Carol, Sorry I did not get to you sooner, my apologies. It is wonderful to hear that you are going to counseling! That is fantastic! Keep going, and let the healing begin. You owe it to yourself. It will be a journey full of ups and downs, and areas that you don't even want to face. But, once you close those chapters, all the burden and pain will be gone. Counseling was a life saver, for all of us actually.

You are angry right now, and it is OK to say you can't stand him. But in your heart, and know when my son and I have had it out, I too, said mean things, but, in my heart, I really loved him, and still do. So, don't be ashamed of saying something. We all do at one point in time say something when we are upset.

Let him sleep at the nearest shelter, or whom ever he has as a friend with. Let your son know you can not have your sanity while he is around. It is called "tough love". Do not let him return until his act is cleaned up.

Do not let your son destroy you. Just because he is in a hole, does not mean he has to take you with him.

Peace always, Esther