According to my 14 yr old step-son, I am THE evil stepmother from hell. I make his life miserable and if I weren't here, everything would be fine. Though I try to be patient, I am questioning whether I can outlast him. I met his father, my wonderful husband, Phil, 7 yrs ago. Garin had been living between the two households, mother and father, for 5 yrs, This last year he has been living with us full time, when mother moved across the country. He feels guilty and angry about this "abandonment" and has been in therepy for some time. His mother is not able to take care of herself, let alone a child. According to the therepist, Garin has been using manipulation to get his way since he was very young and both parents buy into it. He hates me because I don't. My 3 children are grown and having children of their own. Between all of them, I thought I'd seen just about every trick in the book..........or so I thought.

Garin was being verbally abusive to me and I gave him a consequence of limiting his phone time to one hour a day, (to let us know he arrived home from school). The next day, he went to the guidance counselor at school and told her that he was afraid of me and that I threatened his life. Thus, they reported to child protection and police were sent to my house to investigate. He continued to be verbally self-righteous about his "priveledges" and the police didn't arrest me. He is not the least bit contrite, feels like he had a right to do this! His father feels "stuck" in the middle and frustrated that we can't "get along". I am frustrated because I have no ability to punish, since Phil is the legal parent and chooses not to spank, ground, or give any "real" punishments. He feels like he can talk to Garin and Garin will understand what he did wrong.

There has been some improvement when Phil bought a program of CD's and DVD's by James Lehman that deals with troubled children. We have a common base and language to deal with these behaviors and a new outlook about what is acceptable and not. This is still a terribly spoiled rotten kid that does just about anything to get his way.

The marriage I have with Phil is worth the wait. However, I don't know if I can hang on long enough to weather these storms.

your story sounds so familiar, many of us have been there.  It's so hard to keep your eye on the prize (the long term relationship with Phil), when the hurdles to getting there are so constant and disruptive.  

I can certainly see how Phil might feel stuck in the middle, because he wants everyone to be happy.  The problem is, if Garin isn't happy, no one is happy, am I right?  Dad's  Also, it's not realistic to think that kids are always going to be happy, regardless of their parental status.  Just because we get divorced or remarried, we (the bio parent) feel guilty and start to blame ourselves when the truth is, our kids would be going through these developmental stages whether or not we divorced their other parent.  Our job is to help them learn to cope in a healthy way and to communicate their needs and feelings, not to make them happy. Maybe if Phil reconsidered what his goals are for Garin (how he wants him to grow up, the kind of person he wants him to be), he will also reconsider his approach to Garin's behavior. 

Just some thoughts.  I sure hope that things get better soon. 

Angie Blackwell

Thank you Angie,

You make many very valid points. The teenage stage that Garin is in is very common, despite the divorce and mother leaving him. Phil is aware that Garin is a hormonal, disgruntled teenage boy. I also see things that have me very worried. Garin displays very little empathy, for people or animals. He is not cruel to animals, just doesn't care, even hurt ones. Last week, I was driving him to his swim meet and got a flat tire. He didn't care about the situation other than..."HOW AM I GOING TO GET TO MY MEET! I told him he could help me with the spare, or start walking. He chose to sit in the car.

I also see a sometimes, frieghtening side of him. Recently he was ranting at me and in the heat of the moment said, "I'm going to kill you!". This stunned me and his dad, who heard it too. However when Garin calmed down, he denied saying this. Vehemently denied ever saying this! He also wrote it in a note to his friends. We've heard in our society others say, "I'm so mad I could kill these bratty kids." It's not what he said, it's how he said it, with venom in his voice.

He can change moods so suddenly, that Phil and I will look at each other and say, "Where did that come from?"

Thanks to you, I have a new mantra, "Keep the eye on the prize"

We are also more than open when talking with each other about how to handle the situation. Phil is always the last word as the bio parent.

hello,i too am a evil step mom! lol i have 3 step kids.now they are 21 20 and 16.the older too are no longer a problem.but the 16yr old and i have a very bad relationship.i cant stand him just as much as he cant stand me! it all comes from the brain washing of there mom.she ruined them.ive been with my hubby for 8yrs.they put us thru hell.you wouldnt beleive some the the stuff i could tell you,.but now 8yrs later im ok the with older two.one of them still can be a jerk but at least there drama ended .so i wanted to say...hang in there! your stepson will grow up and move on with his life.you and your hubby will always have each other.it will get better once he grows up.i promise.write me if you want to share stories or advice.lol love mandy