So, I guess now that I am a stay at home mom, I am also considered a home maker.... I am really struggling with finding a balance between taking care of and interacting with my little one, and keeping house. I was never a very organized person, nor was I a neat freak... Is anyone else having this struggle? How do you manage it?

I have a tough time with this too...  I am a stay at home mom-Not a maid.

We go on playdates every day & I consider it my job to bring my son up well (not cleaning).  We can both work on the house.

It's tough. My husband is great, he totally doesn't care how much I clean (I hear stories from other women about their husbands expectations,ugh). Although I do like things clean and orderly, I had to sort of redefine what that means since the baby. I feel like I am constantly picking up and doing dishes and that stuff but I never get a chance to get to the nitty-gritty stuff. So about once a month my husband takes our daughter to his parents house for a couple hours and I stay home and clean my butt off. I know it doesn't sound fun but I actually really enjoy it. I blast my favorite CD's, get on some sweat pants and scrub away without a care in the world, it's quite cathartic and relaxing or maybe I am just weird.

Well now that I am a stay-at-home mother/homemaker, it is hard to separate the 2. But my suggestion would be when your little one goes down for a nap, then try doing an hour or two of cleaning while he/she sleeps. If the house does not get cleaned in 1 day it is totally alright. it may take a few days. but just picking up a little each day i feel is the way to go.

Its really not all that hard. As long as you don't get high expectations of finishing it all in one day. The hardest is getting the house completely clean all in one day on your first go round. Then everyday after that theres not as much to clean & should be able to finish while baby is taking nap.  I have 3 kids & I clean everything up while baby is sleeping or in her swing and other kids are in school. Unfort. the kids get home from school & make another mess, which I leave for the next days clean up time. Its a never ending merry go round. Joys of having children. If I was single & no kids cleaning would really be a piece of cake. lol Maybe in the next life I'll try the single life. Good luck

I agree it is hard to keep up with housework while you're caring for children. I'm on my own completely, my husband is away for six months and my family are on the other side of the country...so, I don't have any help. I felt so bad about being behind with everything, I actually considered hiring a Molly Maid type company to just come in and clean for me :D but, then, I decided that I could do this myself. SO, when things were really messy, I spent a day cleaning like crazy and I just put my son in his bouncy chair and brought him room to room with me. 

Now I've learned to clean as I go and it feels so much better.  I do a load or two of laundry everyday, to keep on top with things, wipe down the bathrooms everyday, vaccuum every second day and pick up the dishes and clutter as I go through the day. It's amazing how much easier it makes things and how much better I feel. Also, cleaning as you go, I find, makes things far less stressful and doesn't take any time or focus away from the children.

I really HATE the term homemaker and refuse to call myself one.  However, keeping the house clean or even neat is a challenge.  I have found that the kind of habits Vanessa (above) described are really helpful (although they can be derailed in a MINUTE by an unexpected emergency, like when my daughter was sent home with lice).  However, I didn't know where to start on developing them, because it's hard to reshape your life and expectations all at once like that.  The Flylady.net website is really helpful with that because it is very supportive and helps you prioritize the habits that will help the most first, and then you move on from there.  It has a section for moms with kids at home, which is often very helpful as well. 

However, remember not to beat yourself up too much if things get away from you a little bit.  This is not an easy stage of life but it is very short and before you know it there will be plenty of time to keep your house up.  Don't miss your baby's precious moments for a clean house.  Do what is necessary to stay sane and protect your health and do the rest when you can.

I appreciate everyones advice. I am struggling so much with this. And I am one of those women that Suzanne was talking about. My husband came home today and asked me "what in the world did you do all morning?"

I take him to school at 10. Came home fed the baby a bottle, then cereal. Played with the baby for 20 min before he went down for a nap. While he was napping I took my shower and unloaded the toiletries from our trip. Then I made all the important phone calls for the bills to get paid and took care of some important insurance stuff. I didnt have time to eat lunch before I had to get the baby up from his nap and get off to the dr. After the dr and running errands, my husband and I got home at the same time. And I get asked "what in the world did I do all day because nothing got done around here." 

We just got back from vacation last night, and had to do laundry the night before we left. There were still clean clothes hung up to dry in the kitchen and our suit case not unpacked by the time he got home at 3 oclock. Like I said the baby and I had a dr apt this morning and my little man is sick. Not to mention those important phone calls and insurance issues... How do you deal with those high expectations? Yes I did take some time to sit and cuddle baby artie and play with him when I could have been cleaning, but should I have to give that up to get cleaning done?

NO!!  You should definitely not give up 20 min of love time to do household tasks.  That kind of time is the reason why you stay home; your children need you to do those things much more than the laundry needs to be folded and put away.  Sounds like your husband needs a reality check.  Leave him home with the kids for a day or two by himself (and don't do any prep for him!) so he can see what you juggle all day.  You are a hero.

I did find that it was helpful to all of us when I actually documented my time for a few days so we could see how my time was spent.  Good luck.

I am new at being a stay at home mome and I clean less now than I did when I worked 40+ hours a week and had nearly 2 hours of driving. Not sure where all the time goes now. My husband doesn't complain......about anything really. My house is neat and picked up, I just don't mop, dust etc quite as often. My baby is 4 months so she keeps me very busy : )

Like Cindy stated, have him spend a day or two all day with the baby and see how he feels by the end of it. I hate to bash your husband but he needs to get a clue and lay off. If my husband just jokingly mentions something not being done he gets the stink eye from me. I pretty much do the minimal to keep the house from being a total mess because I want to be with my baby before she's all grown up. You need time too so don't spend all your baby's naptime frantically cleaning the house. I put a post-it on the fridge of a few (managable) things to be done that day so after they are done it's "me" time (like attempting to knit a scarf).

malorie, i know exactly how you feel.  unfortunately there are no awards at the end of the day for motherhood period.  what i did was set a chore to do everyday.  monday, clean bathrooms.  tuesday, do laundry.  wed. vaccuum, etc.  dishes of course as they come.  but this year, i got a bit tired, so what i did was post an ad on Craigslist or you can look on care.com (but they are more expensive) and i found a college student who was looking to earn some extra money to come clean the bathrooms and vaccumm and wipe everything down for me. it was the most affordable option and i really didn't want deep down cleaning...just the basics so that my house is not unsanitary.  as for toys, if thye get picked up, they do. if they don't, they don't and that's life.  now, b/c i am not so worried about the bathrooms and the kitchen being dirty, god forbid, i even take a nap with my son every once in a while!! good luck.

I received this in a foward and thought I would share it!!!

What Did You Do All Day?

This is dedicated to my wife, Carol.

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall .. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Haha... I like it! I am seriously about to read this to my husband.... That story is my new favorite.... Actually, I might not read it to him and just do it. I wont clean the baby after I feed him baby food or sweep the floor when more food ends up on it than in his mouth.... I will leave all of my dishes either by the sink or scattered around the house, I am not going to touch a toy, or keep him from pulling everything off the shelves like he tries to do.... It is kind of a smart ass way to get the point across but it works. 

Thank you all for the support. I was beginning to actually think that I was in the wrong and needed to get my act together!

I am just astounded by the number of stories I hear about a husband's expectations for his wife's activities staying at home. If my husband were to even suggest that I were not cleaning enough or doing what he expected I should do, I think there would be some potential violence on my part. Seriously, since when does it become that? Are we living in the 1950's or something?

Here's how it works for me. My baby girl comes first. I take care of her needs, play with her, and cuddle her. When she takes a nap, I do some things if I feel up to it. Some days I need to nap too or just decompress with TV or a book. I do the dishes and sweep every day because I have to. The other stuff gets done when it does. As long as nothing is seriosuly disgusting or growing mold or something, then it can wait. On top of that, I expect my husband to help me out just like he did when we were both working. He's responsible for the house too and we both contribute whether it is by taking care of the baby while the other does things or picking up around the house.

Rmember, your child will only be this age ONCE! You only get this chance ONCE. I also have a 16 yr old son, and I missed some time with him because I was too busy worrying about the house, working, etc. I swore I would not miss it again if given the chance. Now I have it, and I'm not going to pass up quality time with my daughter over a cluttered living room or basket of dirty clothes.

Like I said, I appreciate everyones thoughts! The only reason I feel remotely bad about expecting his help is because he is getting his masters right now. He has class everyday and atleast 6 hours of homework a night. 

With that being said, I know it is not okay for him to expect me to have everything done in a timely manner, but is it reasonable to expect him to help during the week with that schedule?

He should understand that your "job" is 24/7...  he gets to (excuse the expression) but- 'shit, shower & shave" alone, he drives in the car alone, he probably gets lunch in quiet or with friends....  During your 'so-called-breaks' (AKA naps) you choose between showering & cleaning.

I have my Master's Degree & 6 hours a night seems VERY unusual...  are you sure he is doing what he states?

Reality is- My husband used to be kind of OCD...  good for him- then he got married.  All he had then was his job & a dog.   I had a maid when I was single- I don't now because WE chose to have me stay home & now have one income.  I am a stay at home Mom & THAT is my job.  I pick up- but house cleaning is both of our jobs (especailly w/ 'his' dog :). 

ONCE he asked what I do all day- so the next day I made a list.  In return- he made a list & I told him I didn't care what he did, I NEVER asked, what do you do all day.  He has never questioned it again. 

I DO now get to sleep one weekend morning (I let him choose which one) but after breatfeeding (& no pumping) I did it all for 18 months.  Let your husband 'do-it'all' for even 5-6 hours on a weekend & a lightbulb may go off (I guarantee the house will be messy :)

Marriage is a team.  He can be a participant- does not own the team!

Malorie,  when my daughter was about 1 1/2, my husband decided the time was right for him to go back and get his Master's (his was an Executive MBA) while also working full time.  At the time, not only did we have this little toddler, but we also were remodeling our house while living in a townhome about 15 miles away.  We had no family nearby and were working on getting pregnant again.  So he started school, which meant he was working about 50-60 hours a week and then doing his school, which involved 8 hours of classes during the semesters (there was some extra time in there for on-campus time, etc.), and then definitely 4 hours or so of work per night, more on the nights when he had group projects to be coordinated.  I NEVER saw him.  I did pretty much all the work of managing the contractor, making decisions about the house, got us moved in, etc, while also caring for my toddler and everything else.  While my husband was still in school we moved into the new house, I got pregnant with No. 2, and No. 2 was about 8 mos old when DH finally finished grad school. 

It was definitely tough, so I feel your pain. And I think there were days when we both felt like the other had it easy.  The one thing that made it bearable was that we tried really hard to stay connected with each other.  We had a scheduled date night every week (usually stayed home and drank a bottle of wine and hung out or watched a movie).  That helped a ton.  When I got to the point when I couldn't take any more, I let him know that he needed to re-prioritize for a day.  If he had big projects coming up he let me know so we could put it on the calendar and I would schedule when he would relieve me before it got too stressful.  We hired a housecleaner for the new house, which was much bigger.  We assigned him jobs that were totally manageable for the time he could spare and made do with everything else. It was his job to tell me when he was running low on socks or underwear a day or two before he actually ran out so that I could do targeted laundry, and we did purchase some extras so that I'd have more time in between.  We switched our drycleaning to a company that provided free drop-off and pick up to reduce the number of errands that needed to be run.  We tried really hard to work as a team to make the house a nice place to live in while we were navigating this vast quantity of work.

I'm going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt and say that if he's working so hard to provide for his family and to better himself then he probably sincerely can't see what you do all day, because he isn't looking.  I know for sure my husband could only see what was pointed out to him during that time (and sometimes not even then).  But you also have to advocate for yourself.  You know perfectly well that you are spending your time the way you are meant to.  You didn't stay home to be a maid, you stayed home to be a mom to your child.  He would have an obligation to care for his own living space if he were single, so it's not at all unreasonable to expect him to pitch in at home, especially with a baby in the house.  What you're really working towards here is getting him to cooperate so you don't feel like a nag or like you're shirking your own responsibilities. 

I still think he needs to spend a day by himself with the baby to appreciate your hard work, but perhaps it would be more helpful for you to tell him what areas you struggle most with and see if the two of you can find some new MO that you both can live with. 

Good luck to you and keep us posted!

Wow... I really didnt expect people to care this much and give me such good answers.

Sandi: I know the homework sounds crazy, and it is. He is getting his masters of law in taxation at the University of Florida. It is extremely demanding. And if he were not in the back bedroom with the door shut, coming out just to use the bathroom, eat, and occasionally play with the baby, I would probably feel like there was something else going on. At the end though, he will be a tax attorney and hopefully be able to provide well for our family.  Also, I would love to be able to leave him with the baby for a day or so, but I would have no where to go. I wouldnt feel comfortable leaving him here with dad for a whole weekend with me not in town. He doesnt take care of him enough to know how to meet all of his needs. He hates feeding him baby food and doesnt like to give him a bath. I do have to give him credit though. He is more playful and interactive with our son than most of the dads I know. He is very good with him in that way, but of coarse he is only good at the fun stuff... We are working on that.

Cindy: It is nice to know that someone else understands how I feel. I respect him a ton for what he is doing. He chose to go to tax school because in this economy, and with him being an attorney, that was a guaranteed way for him to have a job with in a year. It was hard enough getting through the last semester of law school with a new born, and harder to make it through him studying for the bar with a 4/5/6 month old. This tax thing is even more extreme than those. 

So I understand that he is stressed. And we have had alot going on lately that added to that underlying stress. We just moved from our house to this tiny apartment. We dont have income this year while he is in school. Just savings, which is scary. In-law problems and a miscarriage last month that has caused serious medical issues for me. 

I have trouble deciding which side of myself to listen to. The one that says, just for this year, take the heavy burden and just do everything to lighten his stress so he can be successful in school, or the side that says, he is the one that chose to bring us here to a new city and small apartment against my will, where we dont know anyone, so he should learn to manage the responsibilities he has taken on himself.

It seems like you were in this similar situation at one point and I like how you handled it. We sat down this past weekend and decided that we were going to try to work this out by making lists. One list of all the things that have to be done around here daily, one weekly, and one list showing us everything the baby needs on a daily basis. Then I told him I was willing to do the majority of them but asked that he make time for a few specific things.

I know he knows that babies take up alot of time, but until I spelled it out in specifics and the list was a mile long, he didnt get it.

Also because this struggle has put such a strain on our relationship, we made a few other lists. Each of us made one listing everything we love about each other, and each of us made a list of the things that really bother us that we wished the other person would be more considerate of. These lists are posted where we can see them and be reminded of the duties that need to be done and love we have for each other through our disagreements. We also indicated with stars the chores that are not necessities so that we remember it is not worth getting upset over if it doesnt get done...

Wow, you've done a great job of getting it together with him!  Well done.

With regard to which side of yourself you should listen to... I would say, both of them.  They are both true, and it would not be fair to yourself to ignore one.  When my husband moved us to California from Virginia (like you, I did not want to move and was very angry about it), I did indulge in a lot of heavy cries.  Then I got up, realized there was nothing to be done about it, and got about my business.  I spent a lot of time crying, but it did help me be able to do the other things I had to do. 

If you can find something to do even for a few hours on a weekend, you should definitely give the baby to your husband for that time and go do it.  Maybe it's just spending a day at a museum or a music festival or the library or a coffee shop.  If you find something to do that requires more time, don't be afraid to leave your son with your husband.  Trust me, if he goes three days without a bath he'll still be healthy enough to get one when you get home.  He won't let your husband not feed him, and your husband might not like baby food when you're around to pick up the slack but he won't let his child go hungry if you're not. 

In the meantime, have you found a moms' group?  Check the MOMS Club International website -- I'm sure there must be one in Jacksonville.  You sound like you've done everything right and you just need a local support group to help you feel less lonely. 

Thank you Cindy! I have found all of those web sites, just havent successfully found a moms group to respond to me or one I can hook up with! 

You could also check out meetup.com for groups. Good Luck in finding one!

Yeah... I am already on meetup.com! I like it! Thanks for the tip

Good for you Malorie for listening to yourself and realizing that this is not all on you. I would still encourage you to get out for a day- even if it is just to go see a movie and sit in a park.

You stated "I wouldnt feel comfortable leaving him here with dad for a whole weekend with me not in town. He doesnt take care of him enough to know how to meet all of his needs. He hates feeding him baby food and doesnt like to give him a bath. I do have to give him credit though. He is more playful and interactive with our son than most of the dads I know. He is very good with him in that way, but of coarse he is only good at the fun stuff... We are working on that."

That is a really scary phrase for me to hear!!! God forbid, what if you should become ill to the point where you needed to rely on dad more for help? You have to allow him more responsibility with the baby so that he feels more involved and connected. It's OK for him to handle the baby in HIS way as there is no absolute right or wrong way to care for one as long as he doesn't do anything dangerous. It's ok if the baby misses a bath for a couple of days, and I am sure your husband would feed him baby food if he had to. You need to help your husband bond with the baby too- but in his own way. No wonder he doesn't understand how involved raising a child can be. He may be busy with school and work, but money is not everything. School will always be there, the work will still be there tomorrow, but your baby will only be your baby for a limited time. I have seen so many parents miss out- I was a teacher for ten years. And believe me, it really affected the kids immensly too.

On the weekends, my husband gets up with the baby and takes care of her until I get up. This is something that he does on his own because he likes to have some "daddy time" and he misses so much during the week. Even then, he helps out whenever he is home with diaper changes, baths, and feedings. Sometimes I ask him to help, but he doesn't hesitate. He may not do things the same way I do, but she is just fine. She hasn't been set on fire or broken any bones :)

I have been fighting thyroid problems and anemia since my daughter was around 3 months old. I was hospitalized once this summer, and have had to rely on others and learn to let some things go. I wish you luck!! I know you must be overwhelmed, and it definitely isn't easy when you feel alone. You'll be in my thoughts.

I know I need to chill out a little bit. I have just realized how extremely different our childhoods were now that we are raising a child together. 

I have been ill. and have been in the hospital. Both times it was a disaster. We dont have any family here, so when I got sick, my husband had no choice but to take me to the hospital with the baby. I was there for a day and a half, and it was really hard for me to focus on getting better because my husband was so overwhelmed and frustrated with the baby. He didnt know how to handle him, and didnt remember to pack baby food, he had a really difficult time changing his diaper and my son was pretty much screaming the whole time I was in the ER. When I came to from the pain meds, I had no choice but to take the baby and comfort and feed him while juggling the IV cords and wires all over me. 

I had a miscarriage and an emergency D and C and my husband was so frustrated with the baby during the night that I had to get up and take care of him within 12 hours of the surgery while still doped up on the meds.

He honestly tries so hard and when i am there to assist, he does GREAT... (when I ask) But I guess I just need more and dont want to have to ask. And I feel like I have several good reasons not to leave him with Dad for any length of time. A few hours is my max. I would be willing to try a weekend day while I am in town to give him a slow transition...

I'm so sorry you have had so much trouble.  Really, really. I'm sorry that you had a miscarriage and also sorry that it was so complicated -- as though an experience like that isn't hard enough when it goes smoothly.  It's not fair that so much was put on you when you were not physically able and it's not fair that your husband (like many men) didn't have the presence of mind to plan for your son's needs when you went to the hospital.  It's also not fair that your husband couldn't suck up his own frustration with caring for your son and pick up the slack when you were out of commission.  You have been through a lot. You're totally entitled to vent.  Especially since it's clear from your other postings how hard you are working & trying to make it through this time. 

Don't give up on the idea of making him work it out for a few hours on a weekend.  What would he have done if your emergency had been more serious, like an appendectomy, or, God forbid, some kind of accident?  He has to be able to pull it together, you can NOT be the only person in the state who can manage the child.  Since you both do seem willing to try to come to solutions about this he will hopefully be reasonable and see that you are trying to do what is best for your family on a lot of different levels. Some hospitals and parenting centers offer classes on childcare and that might be something that would help your husband feel more comfortable with giving your child the care he needs.

I live in Northern California where we have a lot of natural disasters we have to be prepared for all the time.  I live in a fairly wooded area and big fires where we have to evacuate are not at all unlikely.  I keep an emergency evacuation bag packed all the time for just in case, and there have been several times when I've had to dig into that bag for one reason or another.  Would it give you some peace of mind to have an "emergency" diaper bag packed in your cars that includes baby food, bibs, etc., so that you know your child is covered even if your husband isn't totally on it?  I know when I was breastfeeding I did keep a small bag of supplies in my husband's car for "just in case."  My children rarely, if ever, even rode in his car, but I never had to worry about them going hungry or undiapered.

On a forum like this, people care but they are going to come to your situation with their own particular biases.  You sound like you have a lot going on and it probably isn't fair for us to diagnose your husband from here.  I hope that assuming the best from him is the right thing.  But most importantly, I hope you keep on using your own sense and problem solving abilities to keep tackling these things at home.  Hopefully also venting and sharing here are helping some and maybe giving you ideas on how to make things better so that this is the worst it ever gets.

Just realize Malorie that whatever the circumstances are for whatever reason, you cannot do it alone, regardless of whether you are ill or healthy. It's just that much harder when you are ill. I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been with the misacarriage. I had one 8 years ago, but my son was 8 and fairly self-sufficient. My husband was extremely supportive. I had my parents close by to help.

I KNOW what it is like to feel alone. I was only 20 when I had my son. My husband was capable of taking care of him, but he was never there for very different reasons. On top of that, my son was born with special needs (spina bifida). It was so difficult, and I was an emotional mess. In turn, that drained me physically and I ended up getting ill a few times. The stress alone was unbearable and I can't even begin to count the hours I spent crying. When my son was 3 he put his hand on my knee and said "Mommy, don't cry anymore. It's ok." I will never forget how devestated I was that my emotional state was directly affecting him.

I grew up, left a dysfunctional marriage, and moved on. I am in NO WAY suggesting you leave your marriage. I just want you to know that you are not alone. You don't have to feel like you need to do it all yourself. Maybe you just need a break to help yourself out- reprioritize. Maybe your husband needs the same- time to reflect and reprioritize.

Have you considered going to visit family or stay with them for a little while to give yourself a breather? It will be much easier for you to think and heal if you have someone to help with the baby. I was so determined to do everything myself and not let my family (primarily my parents) know how hard it was for me. I wanted them to believe I was happy and had everything under control. Looking back now that I am 16 years older, I would reach out and ask for help. There is no shame.

I don't know you or your husband. I don't know what your life is like. But I do sense that you are reaching out and looking for help. I also sense that you are extremely frustrated and feel as if you are stuck in your situation. I desperately want you to know that you are not stuck. Don't be afraid! Don't feel like you are making your husband the bad guy. I am sure he numerous wonderful qualities- he just may need some help and guidance being a Dad.

Hey momies,ive been at home for 10 years now.My son is 17 and my daughter is 10.Im just now cleaning up after the hurricane(lol).When the kids were small I had a home binder.It wasnt fancy or neat.It was just a place to have a basic to do list,and keep the kids paper work.This helped alot ,it was like my second brain(lol).Also if you take pride in being a homemaker youll feel more motivated(its your job).Some at home moms call themselves Domestic engineers or stay home ceos....whatever gets ya moving.

Have fun...enjoy...there only little once....I didnt miss a thing....and im so fullfilled in my heart!Toni