Hi there... just joined this group.  Thankfully there is something out there like this.  Not sure who else to talk to for guidance.  Here's my story in short:

My band guy and I met in high school and had an immediate connection.  He wasn't into the band thing then, and I just loved him for the person he is.  We didn't get together then due to significant others, but have always loved each other. 

Years later we did date, but it was long distance, we were in our early 20's, and I was scared of the band thing, and didn't really fit with that lifestyle,  Thus we decided to break up.

Since then, I married someone else but always thought of him knowing he was the one I was supposed to be with but always scared to take that leap due to the insecurity and risk of it all.  A year ago we reconnected and have been virtually inseparable since.  I had just come to terms with everything (his band just went on their first national tour this summer for approx 6 weeks but aren't yet signed) and decided to leave my marriage.

Then his manager informed them that they could be gone for years at a time touring all over Europe and the US, much longer than either of us anticipated.  And we are both 33.  At this point I am ready to start a family and want kids more than anything (that's my dream; while his is music).  He wants a family too and is convinced we would just make it work.

I'm more than skeptical, scared and whatever other emotion comes to mind.  I'm not sure if I should take the leap, be with him and risk raising kids in that environment (virtually on my own) or stay where I am, without that love spark but knowing I can give my kids a stable environment with everything they would ever need...

Anyone have similar experiences or thoughts?  Has anyone gone down this path and it's been a disaster?  I wouldn't want this to ruin us.  I'm so concerned I would be miserable and would resent him later on.  Any help or words of wisdom would be much appreciated!  Thanks.

Hi Jennifer, welcome to the group. I am relatively new to this group, but I read your post and my heart went out to you. When I met my husband, he was already involved in the band, and had the attitude of, this is who I am, please love me for me (including music); if not, there's the door. I accepted all of it, not really knowing what it truly entailed. I also didn't plan to fall head over heels in love and I certainly didn't plan to get pregnant. Now, 3 1/2 years of marriage and two kids later, I can definitely tell you that raising children with a musician is NOT easy. Children make the issues BIGGER and WORSE than when it is just the two of you.

However! There are military wives and mothers that kiss their soldiers goodbye for a year, 18 months and continue raising children and keeping the family life going until their husbands come home. I know that a military career and a music career are VERY different, but they both involve a choice to be away from their families. I am very slowly coming to terms with the fact that the choice to be away does not reflect a lack of love for their families. It is hard for me to not have the traditional family lifestyle that I've always pictured, but I love my husband enough, and I know he loves our children and me enough, to make the sacrifices necessary for his career. You just have to make the decision for yourself if the love you have is strong enough to make those sacrifices. Is it fair for children to be without their fathers for long periods of time? In my opinion, no. Would you touring with him (on long European tours) be an option? If yes, why not homeschool your children and teach them culture first hand, on the roads of Europe with your man?? Ultimately, the deciding factor is what you feel is the right thing for you and the children you will one day have.

I am sorry if I rambled on, but I just had to answer your post. Good luck!

Hi Gals,

I have to answer, as well.  Jennifer, you're very brave to ask for other peoples' experiences.  It sounds like you're going through a huge, potentially-life-changing situation.

I specifically choes not to date musicians because I was not interested in the lifestyle.  Then I met my husband.  Being with someone who travels for work, especially a musician, is very difficult on a relationship.  But if you have a good relationship, then you do indeed just make it work.  My husband and I have been together for three years, and have experienced an inordinant amount of hardships in that short time - a whirlwind courtship, planning a wedding, rennovating a home, raising a child together, losing a family member to death, a major medical condition, significant job loss and subsequent unemployment, and all the trials of living this lifestyle.  I can tell you that we have truly grown closer, stronger as a couple, and more in love than I ever could have imagined.  We have a good relationship, and it just keeps getting better and better, no matter what life throws at us.  Not without effort, mind you.  But with love and commitment and faith and hard work.  That being said, if we had a rocky relationship, it would not have made it past the first year.  Issues are bigger and more powerful when time together is limited.  And it can cause things to break down quickly if you aren't paying close attention.  If you love him, want to be with him no matter what, and can commit to the relationship, and he feels the same, you can make it will work. 

That being said, I am not a big fan of reconnecting with a long lost soul mate after taking an oath of marriage to another man.  Obviously, that's your decision, but you put it out there for advice so I'm sharing my thoughts.  The grass really does look greener on the other side.  And if you choose your soul mate (the musician), what happens to your ex-husband, to your self-respect, to your ability to trust yourself and keep and cherish a commitment when a temptation resurfaces?  Because they will in any relationship, soul mate or not.  Do you always get to revisit your decisions at the crossroads of life, or do you make a commitment and follow through no matter what?  If things get too hectic with the musician, would you want to get together with someone else who you connected with and who had a more stable home life? To compare is to despair.   

Another thing to consider is whether you know how well you and the musician would get along on a practical level - splitting chores, working through resentments, etc.  But regardless of who you choose, I have a question.  If you're not that happy with your husband, why would you try to have children with him?  Children make problems seem bigger, too.  A lot bigger.

One last thought.  Who would you choose if you could not conceive together, or if you had to decide wether or not to spend $30,000 on one attempt at a fertility treatment that may or may not work, or if you had to decide whether or not to adopt, or if you had to go through the often heartwrenching process of adoption?  Along the same lines, who would you choose if both of them were going to end up as wheelchair-bound quadriplegics?  Who would you choose if you had to survive a several-year great depression and live in the woods eating roots and berries for survival?  Who would you trust to care for you if you were dying from a terrible disease?  Who would you choose if you had to relinquish to him all knowledge of your personal finances?  Who would you choose to spend eternity with?  Whose diaper do you want to change when they're 80 years old?   

I don't envy your situation at all. Be strong, and make the decision that you can live and be happy with, whatever that includes.

Wow, these are such good responses.  Very thought provoking.  I'm going to think on these for a little bit.  Very good questions, Susan.  Band guy is pretty much my answer to almost every one but I need more time to truly think them through to be sure.  He's always been so protective and loving of me.  I would trust him with my life.  Gotta go, but thank you so much for caring and I hope to come back with an answer of sorts.

Ok, well apparently this doesn't matter anymore because my band guy has decided for both of us that I won't fit into his life and he doesn't want to have a kid because he doesn't want kids on the road and he doesn't want to not see them... so basically I am told to take a hike.  All that for nothing.  I am so beside myself right now.  I'm not sure what to do.  I've even said I don't care about kids, etc. and wouldn't put demands on him but he's scared of me ruining HIS dream.  Unbelievable.  I probably will never understand this - here I thought our love was unbeatable, that we could withstand anything.  Guess I was wrong if he's able to give up and make music his only priority.  I am so sad right now I don't know what to do.

Wow, that's an unexpected turn of events!  I'm really sorry that you're hurting right now, Jennifer.  It's awful to feel rejected, and not made a priority!  It sounds like maybe he just got overwhelmed.  Comfort yourself in whatever you can, and give it some time.  And let us know how things go.