Wow. I am so excited I found this group. I hope its still active! I need some advice and I feel like my friends don’t exactly know how to talk to me about this cause all they say is for me to just break up with my boyfriend when I am unhappy about this situation.

Well I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. He has always been a musician. During the past 2 years he formed an awesome band he is the bassist and they are locally taking off very fast and just put out a new album so he will be touring of course.

It seems he is always gone practicing and starting next month will start touring. We fight about this a lot. Its hard for me to hold back my feelings cause I miss him so much especially when he is gone. I haven’t been away from him long as in weeks but when I am for a few days I get so sad and worried. I know he will be gone soon while touring for weeks and I get so damn scared. I do have trust issues but I do believe if he loves me enough he won’t cheat on me. I just feel him being away from me and my daughter will affect everything. I know this is his dream but part of me wish it wasn’t...yea how selfish is that ): 

If any of you have an advice on how to handle not going crazy please let me know haha. I love making new friends. Thanks <3 Amber.

Hi Amber!  I say that if you know from a logical point of view that he is trustworthy, but you just have a hard time trusting him because you have emotional trust issues, then go ahead and practice trusting him.  It's a simple concept, though not necessarily easy to do.  But if he can realize that it's an emotional issue for you, and not a reflection on whether or not you think he's actually a trustworthy person, then he can help you heal.  Now what's this about him being away affecting everything?  What do you mean?

Oh i meant that as it affects different things like our daughter who is 4 she already asks where he is when he is gone and when he is leaving sometimes she will say something like your going with your band again thats all you ever do. I can tell it affects her a lot and she wants him around more. It also affects me i get really sad him being away i miss him so much and the longest he has been gone is a week and half and now it is gonna get worse when he starts the touring. It is affecting our relationship too cause i will say something about it and he is getting frustrated with me always worrying and i don't want to drive him crazy too. I just need support i guess i never thought it would be this hard.

I really give props to the ladies whose men go on tour for months that has to be the toughest thing to do in the world to be without them for that long.

Ah, right.  We all understand what that's like.  Being with a touring musician is it's own beast, but adding a child into the mix changes things, too.  You and the child get closer, and then there can be resentment - either toward you from him because the child isn't as close to him, or to him from you because when he's home he doesn't chip in as much because the child prefers you, etc.  There are endless examples and situations, so I do know it's very hard.  I think you have the right idea about looking for support.  We love these men, and are totally committed to them (and even this lifestyle for some of us!), but it doesn't mean it's easy!  It makes all the difference for me just knowing that other women understand and I'm not alone in this.  In fact, I used to be asuperfan of a particular band, and I often find myself thinking about one of hte member's wives and wondering how she hung in there so long (he eventually quit the band to be with his family).  We're an amazing breed!     

Amber, Amber, Amber....Trust issues and a touring musican is a recipe for disaster.  I would say the first thing you need to do is work on the trust issues rather than focusing on him being gone.  My husband is a touring bassist and I am telling you from experience that lack of trust will NOT work.  You need to determine where your issues are rooted. Is it from your past? Is it from this current relationship?  If it is past, you need to work on those issues yourself...Don't bring your past into your present as you are now punishing you mate for something that he didn't do.  Allow your self to trust your boyfriend, but be careful to "guard your heart", as you are NOT married to this man.  And a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is very different than the covenant of marriage.  Can I ask why are you guys not married?

Amber, Amber, Amber....Trust issues and a touring musician is a recipe for disaster.  I would say the first thing you need to do is work on the trust issues rather than focusing on him being gone.  My husband is a touring bassist and I am telling you from experience that lack of trust will NOT work.  You need to determine where your issues are rooted. Is it from your past? Is it from this current relationship?  If it is past, you need to work on those issues yourself...Don't bring your past into your present as you are now punishing you mate for something that he didn't do.  Allow your self to trust your boyfriend, but be careful to "guard your heart", as you are NOT married to this man.  And a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is very different than the covenant of marriage.  Can I ask why are you guys not married?

Hey Ladybug, I agree with everything you said except one - the part about working on past issues yourself and not punishing your mate for something he didn't do.  Unless we're teenagers, we all come with issues.  Of course you shouldn't blame your mate for the failures of past mates, but I think working on past issues is one of the blessings of being in a committed relationship.  From a psychological standpoint, past issues are often the kind that cannot be fixed on our own.  Those issues build pathways (triggers), and the way to redirect those pathways is to have someone help you over the course of time and repeated positive interaction.  If your partner loves you, he will be honored.  And you can do the same for him.  That's being a team!

Hey Ladybug. Well we aren't married because we both don't want to be right now. I want to be someday maybe in a couple years but he thinks marriage is a mistake and doesn't want to anytime soon. I have trust issues with him he has cheated on me a few times in the past so that's why it is so hard for me. I am getting better i just wish i was completely over it and i am not. I know that it won't work in the future especially if he tours even longer. I need to work on it even more and he understands just gets frustrated with me.

Let me get this straight.  He cheated on you a FEW times, and now when you struggle with the trust issues he has caused in your relationship, HE gets frustrated with YOU??  Well, he's right about one thing - he shouldn't be getting married. 

Anyone who knows anything about cheating will tell you that, in order to save the relationship (if it's possible at all for the particular couple involved), the person who did the cheating must be willing to do WHATEVER it takes in order to regain the other person's trust - this is what proves to the 'victim,' for lack of a better word, that the cheater is sincerely regrettful and committed to remaining faithful forevermore.  In other words, he has to be willing to endure your trust issues again and again and again and again, and welcome them with love and support and apology, and without frustration, in order to help you rebuild your trust in him. 

Is he opposed to marriage in general (i.e., doesn't "believe in it"), or is he just not ready/wanting to marry you?  Or not ready/wanting to marry you right now?  The answers, if you know them, should shed some light on his level of committment.

Hi Amber:

It sounds like a difficult situation that you are in.  I am dating a touring musician who is currently on a 3 month stint.  If you are going to commit yourself to being in a relationship with this person then you will need to openly talk - communication is going to be key.  It is the communication that will keep you together and trusting.  The fact that he has cheated before is a concern to me because being a touring musician the temptation will always be there - as my boyfriend says "some men have drug vices, alcohol, vices, or women vices."  It seems in my experience that a musician usually struggles (or has struggled) with at least one of these 3 issues.  However if he truly loves you then he will do everything he can to reassure you that you are the one he loves and wants to be with and he will do so through communication.  Also, it doesn't hurt to make friends with the band because then they might be more watchful and opinionated about a situatoin that might arise if they respect you.  I know your hurting ... I struggle with that too, but my guy made a good point ... he struggles with it ten times worse but does not want to admit to it because it is his fault that we are both enduring this pain so that he can live this dream - so he feels he doesn't have the right to complain.