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I have a 14 1/2 year old son who is so disrespectful to me. My son goes off on me if he doesn't get his way. My husband allows it.
He insults me, ridicules me, berates me, badgers me, while I plead with my husband for interference or help, he just sits there and tells him politely to "would you just stop that". It is when I start to cry, that my son yells higher at me, and my husband tells me that i need to be "passionate, understanding, he is a teenager, all teenage sons treat their mother that way". My spouse said that i am a "horrible parent".
I have had this problem before. We went to counseling, and it helped. But, something happened. Lately, he has been on edge. Wanting to stay out late, not call in where he is at. My son tells me that none of his friends have a relationship with their parents. That is a red flag to me.
My son said ugly things to me like "get a job, your a piece of shit with no job, you are a big fat ugly, go lose weight, no one wants to hire you, you have no skills" and more, while my husband just sat there and laughed at me.
My husband walks into my bedroom yesterday morning, and tells me, "I don't want a divorce. You need to go to counseling. We all need to go to counseling". I asked him to leave my room. This morning he asked me if I called the psychologist, I said "yes", he said he didn't know why, we don't have a problem. Is he out of his head!!!!
My husband was raised by himself. His mother was an absentee parent. He had no discipline, no rules, no boundaries. I was raised with discipline and respect. These two men/boys don't give a damn about me, only when it comes to cleaning the house and cooking their breakfast, lunch, dinner.
I would like to be "emancipated" from my son. Which means, I want to divorce him. I no longer want to have anything to do with him. Living in California, the only way to do that, is via Divorce thru marriage.
I have to "Forgive" my son for he is my son. I am extremely hurt right now, and I feel that he needs to live somewhere else, but not here.
What should I do?
-Have my son live somewhere else until he goes and gets counseling?
-Go ahead and file for a "legal separation"? If the men in the house got the message that I was serious, maybe they would start to reconsider how they treat me.
-Should I put a restriction on the amount of counseling session this family needs, or not even bother. Just have them removed from the home via the Sheriff Dept.?
In closing, I begin my counseling sessions tomorrow. I plan on signing up at a gym, stay focused, not get into any altercations.
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| Posted by esther on 07/12/2007 07:53 PM
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Wow! Things really got worse again. I'm not surprised they (son and hubby) are acting this way again - old habits die hard.
All teenage sons do not treat their mothers that way: partially because kids have different personalities, and partially because their dads/step-dads won't let them get away with it.
Dad is definately part of the problem. Not only does he not stop the abuse, he encourages it by ignoring your need to have help and showing his amusement. Dad is showing son that women are hysterical and not to be taken seriously.
Son's friends may be a problem also. His description of his friends not having any relationship with their parents is inaccurate. They may have a bad or distant relationship, but there is something there. Friends may be part of the problem - a hard one to control when son is old enough to go places by himself and you can't control what he does every minute.
You, Kellie, are not all those things your son says you are, and, again, I can't believe your husband isn't standing up for you. Would he allow any other man on earth to talk to you that way? I should hope not! Don't let yourself start to begin to believe what he says. You are just as capable as any other woman on earth - and he obviously doesn't realize that it takes a special set of skills to raise children and run a home.
Is your husband out of his head - probably. Not clinically, diagnosably crazy; but he doesn't know what he wants or how to get what he thinks he wants. He sure doesn't know what is healthy or appropriate and has taught his son that women are objects with no feelings or value.
What to do now is a great thing to talk to the counselor about. He/she will have a better idea than I do about what your options are in California. But here are my thoughts anyway:
- Sending your son away isn't the easiest thing in the world; just finding somewhere for him to go can be nearly impossible in some cases.
- Sending your son away isn't going to keep his dad from letting him come back into the home and treat you this way again, that is, if he backed you up on sending him away in the first place
- Your husband, I'm sure, has some good qualities, Kellie, but right now he is acting like a Class A, #1, Prime Jerk (I'd like to use another word); and it may be time for you to look at a new set of boundaries concerning him.
- You can't make them go to counseling, and unless there are signs and reports of physical abuse, you probably can't make them leave the house, because that is their home too.
If there has been ANY physical violence, you need to take your daughter and get out of there. Go to a domestic violence shelter and let them help you do what you need to do to be safe and help you get back on your feet. You don't have to have resources like a savings account or job to do this.
Remember this also, your daughter is taking it all in - and she's learning that it is ok for men to treat women badly and that a woman can't do anything about it.
I hope you are set on losing weight because you want to be healthy, and because you want to, not because of anything your son has said (or your husband has implied by letting him say it). The gym could be your best friend right now, giving you a place to go away from them, some time with your thoughts, and working out some of your anger and frustration.
I'll also suggest that you go back in the old messages and read what was said the first time this was brought up.
Old habits die hard; unhealthly patterns are called patterns because they happen over and over; and remember, a wagon wheel has a tendancy to stay in the rut because it's the path of least resistance. In order for this to change, someone is going to have to exert a great amount of effort to get up out of that rut, change the patterns, and learn new healthy habits.
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| posted by Kelly on 07/13/2007 08:11 AM
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KL: well put. Your words were encouraging this morning. I am locked out of the family computer. My husband approved for my son to put a password on the computer. I have to ask now to use the computer.
Going to a Domestic Shelter is not that easy here. If there is an opening they will take you in. If there is no opening, you are referred to the nearest shelter, and you have to leave at 5:00am to go find work. With a small child, and weather rising to 118 degrees, that can be difficult.
It has been three days, I do not speak to either one of them. No one wants to get involved of his friends-well stay there anyway. My husband smiles each morning at me, and makes me breakfast. Is he nuts!!!! why do I want to eat with him!!! Let alone, do I want him here.
Thanks for your encouraging advice. I loved what you had to say. It is great to hear and get support each morning. Thank you, now to my appointment. I will keep you posted. |
| posted by esther on 07/13/2007 10:33 AM
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If you dont make you own income, how can you have any power/freedom? Do you have any family you can stay with in another state while you get yourself on your feet? I don't think you should have to endure that kind of verbal/mental abuse! Locked out of your own computer is rediculous! Also if you make ANY threats about leaving make sure you have a plan to carry it out otherwise, its easy to think your not serious about anything you say.
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| posted by Whitney on 07/13/2007 11:35 AM
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Your husband is being overcontrolling and emotionally abusive. He is being this way to manipulate you, make you doubt yourself, and keep you in a confused state.
I'll be interested to see what the counselor has to say.
In case your husband/son get in here and read this:
To hubby and son - you are deliberately making her unhappy, and that is emotional abuse. That escalates, usually, to physical abuse.
Hubby - I can't believe you let anyone talk that way to your wife; especially a minor child over whom you have some control.
Son - Your mom loves you a lot and is very hurt by your words and actions. This is what you want? For your mother to be unhappy?
To both - it would be better not to have a family unit than to live this way. I don't advocate divorce except in the most extreme cases, but neither do I advocate a woman being forced to endure manipulation and humiliation. Get your act together, guys! You should be protecting your women, not harming them. |
| posted by Kelly on 07/13/2007 11:40 AM
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Just got back from the counselor, and I learned a lot. I am referred to an "accomodator". I allow it to happen and I don't make a fuss-meaning a don't have a plan of action to move forward. I allow it to happen and happen all over again-like a pattern-what Kelly mentioned earlier.
2-My son needs a lot of help. Help from the first time they went in. He stopped midstream and didn't follow thru with treatment.
3-As for my husband-he is defineately at fault. He allows my son to attack me, and he does that for he uses my sons anger for his own anger at me. You mentioned that Kelly-he doesn't know what he wants.
4-Counselor said, I was a smart woman, and been an extraordinary mother for taking this in for so many years. Now, it is time for the "smart woman" to make a "smart move".
5-If I continue to allow him to manipulate and control the situation, the pattern can not be changed. Everything you said Kelly-was to a T. You were so right on it.
6-The counselor told me that he-hubby might not change-for he is older than me 20+ and set in his way. But, if he wants to salvage the marriage he must commit to marriage counseling, and follow thru the entire program. If he cancels, it should be on Emergency Only. If he does not want to follow marriage counseling, we must file Legal Separation. We have to decide who will move out, where to stay, visitation, etc. If he gets ugly during this phase, file for a Divorce. Grant hubby sole & physical over son, and joint on Girl.
7-If hubby does not want to seek counseling with him, the Dr. referred me to another one of his colleagues.
8-If I can not afford counseling, go to a battered woman's shelter, and they will give me counseling at a reduced rate. They also offer babysitting.
I called my husband after the session, I told him that I wanted to talk with him. He requested that I talk with Son present. I said NO. I am not married to my son. Then he wanted over the phone. I said NO-have a meeting. So today we meet at 1:00pm. I will see what his direction is.
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| posted by esther on 07/13/2007 03:19 PM
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I know it's after 1:00. I hope everything went well. Your counselor sounds like a smart person (agrees with me ;-) ). Those are some tough steps to have to think about taking, but you can do it - you have strength.
Let me know how things are going. |
| posted by Kelly on 07/14/2007 08:35 PM
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Thanks for reminding me Kelly. I had the discussion with him at 1:00pm on Friday. He was very upset that I had gone to see a counselor. He totally flipped out when I told him that it was either marriage counseling, legal separation or divorce. He denied needing help, so he planned for legal separation, but, ONLY on his terms. I said absolutely NOT. Because we could not compromise, I called my attorney. Attorney informed me of my rights and I felt at ease.
I came into the living room, and told him I have no other choice but to contact an attorney and have the courts resolve this issue. After I told him the cost of the attorney ($4000.00-retainer), and he was responsible, he changed his tune. He agreed to marriage counseling, well sort of. He still was blaming me, and nothing had to do with him.
On Saturday, I found this little note, who he was going to give it to, I am not sure. In the note, it painted a different picture of what happened. I confronted him. After him pointing the finger at me, he finally admitted that he was at fault. He finally acknowledged that he let the situation spiral out of control for he thought he could handle it. Once he found out he couldn't, he didn't know what to do, except that he wanted to stay in the marriage. He sees that the boy is out of control. He has called the counselor in front of me to start our marriage counseling right away.
So today, after our hour long session, we decided to make it work. He acknowledged that I am an important person in this household, and I do deserve the respect. I should not be mistreated by him and our son especially. We shook hands and promised to be kind to each other. We went shopping at Costco, had lunch with our daughter, enjoyed swimming in our pool, and had a great dinner together. My son came in later, and ate alone (Thank Goodness).
So that's it for me. On ward and upward. It was a great accomplishment for me, for I did not show my emotions, I stood strong, was assertive, and I finally got to him to admit for the first time in our marriage that he was partially responsible for the turmoil with our son.
To everyone, thank you for being there for me. |
| posted by esther on 07/15/2007 01:28 AM
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I'm glad he has accepted marriage counseling on ANY terms at this point. I can understand how he feels - about not knowing what to do with a difficult child. I guess it's just harder for men to ask for help, than for women.
Good move, contacting your attorney. I just hope you'll go through with it if things get bad again. There's only so many times you can hear from someone that they will try if you just don't leave, before you realize it's never going to change.
On the bright side, just 3 1/2 more years and your son will be 18 and can easily move out! I know it sounds terrible for a mom to look forward to a child leaving home, but when that child is a difficult one, it is completely understandable. My son's not even in a difficult phase right now and sometimes I look forward to it!
I'm glad things are headed towards counseling for you and your husband. This marriage may yet be saved! |
| posted by Kelly on 07/15/2007 05:28 AM
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I gave him no choice. It's either we get marriage counseling and counseling for the boy OR divorce-where he will be forced to go to counseling. We would lose our home, create an unnecessary uproar in our home, just because he was selfish and did not want to face the music.
To get him to finally admit that he was wrong, was a major accomplishment. You're right, I think it is harder for a man to admit his faults than with a woman.
Thank you for your encouragement, advice, and listening ear. |
| posted by esther on 07/15/2007 02:11 PM
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| About 14 years ago I lost myself. I realized in a moment that I had zero respect for my husband. When he spoke to me his words just fell off me. That literally had NO effect. He would get mad & call me names, I used to get really mad and hurt, but not anymore...just nothing...numbness. I had been through so much with this man. I grew up with him, we started dating at 16, got married at 22 and had our daughter at 23...I was 29 years old. One day I came home from work and told my husband that this guy from work called me a bitch, I don't know what I did to deserve his verbal abuse, but I told my husband that it really made me feel bad that this guy wouldn't talk to me, instead got so angry & called me these horrible names...WELL, my husband got all puffed up and started for the door, he said he was gonna take care of this guy, NOBODY for any reason was going to talk to his wife that way....I stopped him and said, but honey you do...He looked at me and started crying, I revealed that I made the whole thing up, and now I would like him to please pack his bags and leave. He said he would do whatever to change things, it was too late. I did not respect this man. He wasn't a bad man, he was an awesome father, great provider, super funny, very kind. Everyone loved this guy, he just learned this from his parents I am sure...I knew I could not and would not allow myself to be numb ever again. You need to be Happy, Angry, Sad to be truly alive. That was my life lesson, today I am married to the man of my dreams, I laugh, cry and yell with this guy, but I respect him and he respects me, I feel very protected, I know he would never say anything disrespectful to me or anyone else. We have moments but always come to a mutual point of peace where we are BOTH happy. Kellie, if I were you (and I am not, I don't know all that you are up against) I would be out. In my house mom is the boss, dad supports me and my decisions for running the house daily, but he lets the kids know that my rules are his rules. If my kids do or say anything that he doesn't like he gently reminds him that mom does everything to run this house i.e. your laundry is clean, meals are made, shopping is done, house is clean, you are loved...I could not have this any other way. My heart breaks reading your words...This life is so short, find true happiness... |
| posted by tara on 07/15/2007 04:28 PM
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I'm so glad you were able to get out of that situation, Tara, and find someone who could honor you instead of trash you. I lost respect for my husband at one point, too. It was hard because when he was drinking, he was detestable; but when he sobered up for a while, he was great. This last time he sobered up (almost three years ago) I just didn't have any respect left for him. But I gained it back, as he worked steadily; as he became the kind of father the kids had always wanted; as he handled our finances; and just in general became a regular person - and he would never say ugly things to me.
You never know when a relationship can be saved, but I don't advise hanging around and waiting for it to get better. Give a good try once, then let it go. This is the voice of experience speaking, also! |
| posted by Kelly on 07/15/2007 04:40 PM
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I hope everyones troubles work out in the end.
Remember compassion! |
| posted by Whitney on 07/15/2007 06:56 PM
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I have been married to my husband for 18 years. I knew him for 3 months and got married. It was when our son began to grow up that things were coming up. By the time our son was 13, all hell broke lose.
KL told me "unhealthy patterns". Yes, there are a lot of unhealthy patterns in this household. I have a temper when I am pushed and I explode. I too am too blame for my erratic behavior.
My husband as a child, was a victim of a violent crime. He never got over it. Or I should say, he never received the proper treatment for it. His brother relays the same story. So I know it happened.
My husband does not drink. He does not smoke. He is in good health. He is an excellent provider.
I feel that with proper treatment we can work to get past this, and we can live a longer, happier and healthier life, with everyone being compassionate towards each other. |
| posted by esther on 07/15/2007 09:43 PM
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| I congratulate you on having the forsight to seek counseling. I guess I just read your original post and it struck a chord with me...It sounded as though you had made some decisions to either seperate from your husband or your son. I |
| posted by tara on 07/16/2007 01:46 AM
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Yes, I did initially. I wanted counseling for everyone, and felt that Legal Separation was going to help us get it. I was wrong and so was my counselor.
According to the lawyer, Legal Separation is only used by seniors who do not want to lose their insurance benefits. Not for cases like ours. The lawyer even suggested marriage counseling and son counseling. He said this could resolve all our issues. If he does not want to attend, we can start filing papers for divorce, and thru mediation, and parent counseling, he would be required to attend whether he wanted to or not.
He has chosen his family and marriage counseling. So off we go to counseling-this time for good! |
| posted by esther on 07/16/2007 02:34 PM
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