Ok I need advice on what to do next. I have never had to deal with this before and I'm trying to be really nice about it all.

Ok let me give you the background first, so that you don't have just half the story. I feel in love with a guy 10 years ago when I was just 19 years old, by the time I was 21, I had gotten married and my daughter was born with in a few days of turning 21. The trouble started about 8 months after I had Abigail because I didn't lose the baby weight I gained more than 80 pounds with her. We were divorced by time she was 16 months old. I also found out that he was having a girl come over when I was at school two nights a week when he was hanging out with our daughter. Well we did go different directions in life, and he has always been a great in your face kind of father. Well we did try to work things out when she was a little over 2 years old but it just wasn't the same. So i moved on with my life. Then after I got married to my husband now in 2005 and we also had a son later that same year, my ex became this monster towards me. Still to this day he is just as nasty to me as he can be. Well he got married to a wonderful woman June 27th. I called him one night and asked if I could speak to her because I wanted to know if she wanted to come to my daughters first cheer-leading practice. He had a fit and just went off the deep end. He and I share joint custody of her and have from the time she was 2 years old. She spends one week with me and one week with him. We are in the same zip code and she goes to the same school....so this past week I had to take her to the doctor, because it was his week I was going to drop her off with him, well he wasn't home yet, but Candice was so I let her know that I had asked for her number and that I felt we really needed to get along for Abigail and do things together because like it or not we are one big family and Ben is still really close with my family. ( my mom was at his wedding, how crazy is that) Well she gave me her business card and told me that i can email her at work anytime...blah blah...well I emailed her today to let her know that I will be picking my daughter up from school on Friday to take her to another appointment and if she will be home by 4 or if I needed to bring her over later than that. Well I guess she must have told him about the email because he called me all pissed off and that I didn't need to contact his wife, that if it is something about our daughter then I needed to only talk to him...blah blah blah... anyway i told him that his wife is a grown ass woman and that if she didn't want me to contact her then she needed to tell me her self and man up about it if that is the case. She also told me that other day that he is still upset about somethings that have happened in the past between him and I (example would be I had to trade in my car and he wasn't paying child support so he put a car in his name and the deal was he was to make the car payments $240 a month, and that is ALL HE PAID FOR YEARS... I paid daycare even when she was with him in PA and everything. I had to pay an extra high insurance rate because his driving record sucked. So anyway if he would find out I had a date or something he would come over and do something to the car to make it not start, he would tell me that he would report the car stolen and all kinds of crap. So anyway something happen to the car and I paid 1300 dollars to get it fixed, well come to find out the shop was crap and didn't fix the problem. So I had to have a car, so I got a new one for my self and 100% by myself. Well he got mad because he was now stuck with a car and payment that he really didn't want...mind you I had been driving this car for just about 2 years. I would take our daughter to PA every other weekend when he got out of the military and he had his DL taken away for reckless driving so he could not come down here...oh my god I could go on and on...needless to say i should not have stuck him with the car payment but I was tired of having to pay everything and working two jobs to provide a good life for my daughter. Anyway back to the issue today. I guess I'm waiting for an email from his wife to tell me not to contact her. If I do get one then she is not a real woman like I thought she was. I strongly feel that we should all get along if this is going to be good for Abigail...... Am I asking too much? Should I not expect his wife to talk me?

I guess I'm just trying to be the nice person and really try and make an effort to get along with him and his wife for my daughter....

Any advice would be GREAT!!!! EVEN IF YOU ONLY WANT TO TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG...

First off, I think that it is great that you are being the bigger person and trying to make an effort to reach out to his wife. This could go different ways though. I think that as long as things are amicable between you and your ex, and his wife, leave well enough alone. There really is no need to go the extra mile to be her 'friend.' I think that all communication involving your daughter should be directed towards her father, unless it has been discussed and agreed upon to do otherwise, by ALL parties involved.

As for the situation you described I think one of two things happened. Either his wife was being phoney with you the day you talked to her and she gave her business card, and she doesnt really want to talk to you or associate with you. . (this seems unlikely to me b/c if she didnt really want to have anything to do with you, she probably wouldnt have given you her business card)  OR the wife is fine with you, and your ex doesnt want you two to talk to eachother, and this is why he is bugging out and telling you to call him directly. You are, after all, his ex and most men dont want their ex's talking to their current woman. (obviously not being as mature as you are, but smart on his part so you dont tell his wife all the stuff you told us here! :) )

Either way, I would say just keep the communication between you and her father, unless you just cant get ahold of him and its something really important that cant wait, then you could call the wife. Its not going to negatively effect your daughter unless there is arguments and drama between you, so if you're not talking, I think that should be ok. Until your daughter starts asking for both mommy and 'step mom' to be at a function or something like that, I think you're safe. When she makes that request the adults should discuss whether it is possible and if its not, then the appropriate person should talk to her about why -said individual- cant be there.

i have to agree with Amy. that is what i was going to say to. i would just keep the communication between her dad and you unless you had to go thru her.

i am a stepmother, so let me tell you how I feel it should be.

i feel the ex's should only talk when it involves the child(ren).  i tried to be 'friends' with my current's ex, only to find that she still wants him and is still trying to get in between him and i.  in situations like this one, i would move on with your life.

be civil for your kid's sake but dont do any more than that.  your ex is probably feeling the same way i do: that you 2 are no longer togetehr and you should remain seperate unless it involves your daughter.  befriending the 'new wife" only makes things confusing to the child.  trust me i am IN that situation currently.