Hi Elizabeth,
http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/ possibly has some good info for you.
I have no experience with Autism, so take the following input with a grain of salt. I do have a son with CAS, a form of speech delay, and two different close family friends have children with Autism, at separate ends of the spectrum. I know you posted the above more than 6 months ago.
What I know about Autism, I understand that sensory input is an important factor into what motivates a child. Your daughter seems to be trying to control the amount of sensory input because it's disturbing her. Sitting quietly in time out is a relief (or so it seems from your example) not a punishment for her, so with that theory in mind, it would be understandable that she would get mad/frustrated when you tell her to play, but also that she wants you to join her in this quiet activity she finds relief from. Bossing other children I think is also about trying to control the sensory input. Not yet understanding social behaviors that are appropriate to get others to corporate with her results in the bossiness. Perhaps you can get advice from whatever professional services who are qualified to advise you on tactics that would help re-direct her behavior, and meet her and your family's needs.
While I agree with you that autism shouldn't be used as an 'excuse', I do think it is an excellent 'explantion'. An 'excuse' of course implies that there is nothing to be done to improve a situation, where as an 'explanation' is an opportunity to educate others to the challenges you and your family are faced with and being open to solutions to overcome or diminish the frustration. I feel like I explain a lot of what our family is going through.
I hope I helped a little.
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