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| Raising Girls |
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My 4 year old daughter and I at times enjoy what I can best describe as a kind of rambunctious play. She'll often climb on me, and we will wrestle and tussle and tickle and have fun. We'll hide under a blanket and among other things play with a flashlight. She is one moment a kitten, cow, or a horse etc. as she tells me to be a farmer or a daddy horse etc. I hope you get the picture. I'm trying to depict a joyful, unstructured and at times tiring for both of us play that is sensible and safe while at the same time physical and close that takes place on our couch, the floor or even in our yard (weather permitting).
I was raised with a younger sister and I have no sense of anything that I'm doing as being inappropriate or too stimulating or unhealthy etc. in any way.
My lovely wife, raised without siblings, in Russia by her single mom (who now lives with us) has expressed alarm at our almost unbridled fun. She wants me to stop this sort of playing and has suggested instead we only engage in various games from chess to soccer, etc. She has stated that having my daughter sit on my lap, crawl or climb on my, through my legs (one moment) while climbing up me as if I'm a tree is, I regret to say, to her mind in some way indecent.
I am having a very difficult time - no it's proven do far to be impossible for me - to explain what I see as cultural and gender differences as being at the root of our disagreement. I hope that there is a way, perhaps by this forum, to find a way for her to overcome her unwarranted concerns OR if I am wrong clarify this for me. From my perspective I truly believe that the play/fun that we're having is entirely healthy and age-appropriate. Both my daughter and I enjoy playing together, at times, this way, at this point in her life.
ANYONE who can illuminate this now divisive issue with their wisdom and experience or even psychological references about the range of healthy play for parents and kids would have me in their debt. |
| Posted by Garry on 07/05/2007 07:14 PM
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I think its healthy to enjoy a loving, playful, appropriate relationship with your daughter at this age. One day that relationship will change into a chess/soccer relationship. If you're wife/MIL are feeling it is inappropriate, maybe join them in talking with your daughters pediatrician. They are very insightful.
I'd say as long as your intentions are pure ... its no different than the playful wrestling your wife enjoys with your daughter! I hope this helps.
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| posted by Lindsey on 07/05/2007 08:07 PM
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Hey Gary,
Ok, I am a mother of 2 girls by two different fathers. I think I may have some experience in this and if not that then an opinion Lol! So, my oldest daughter is now a teenager. Her father (though we separated before she was born) played rough with her. He would wrestle and let her punch him. I long ago felt this was not a good idea. However, one day when my daughter hit me (long story) she did so with ferocity and power. I was amazed, she hit so hard. I feel better knowing that if she ever needed to defend herself be it from another child or from an abduction that she could possibly hold her own. It makes me proud that my daughter is so strong and it's thanks to her father for teaching her how to fight. Maybe you could just be more careful in the way you rough house because she is a girl? Maybe you could teach her Karate or something instead of wrestling if your wife and mother in law don't approve? Give her the tools to be stong in a positive way and don't worry about the rest. If all else fails talk to a family counselor, I have and they work wonders.
Hope this helps,
Brigette |
| posted by Brigette on 07/05/2007 11:23 PM
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| I have a degree in Early Childhood Education and I can tell you that this kind of play is very normal for a 4-year-old child. The more senses your daughter uses during play the more she will learn. Depending on how rough you guys get, you probably need to make sure she understands that it's not appropriate to play that rough with...say...mommy, grandma, or other children, but I see this as a learning and bonding experience for both you and your daughter and there is nothing wrong with it. Play is your daughter job as a 4-year-old. That's how she learns. Too much structured play such as chess and soccer for a child this age can hinder her imaginative side. There needs to be a balance between the two, play and structured play. Like I said before, nothing can replace the bonding you and your daughter are getting out of spending this time together. Hope this helps. |
| posted by Cinda on 07/06/2007 08:56 AM
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THANKS to those of you who responded through this forum.
My hope is that with your insights my wife and I can gracefully readdress this matter. Although consulting our pediatrician had already been agreed between us and I'd raised counseling as yet another alternative, perhaps with what you've all shared this point of conflict will be assuaged. My desire is that instead of starting any counseling we'll gain confidence and instead await the expected release of Dr. Dobson’s new book, RAISING GIRLS, and see what additional wisdom we can gain from that source. |
| posted by Garry on 07/06/2007 10:22 AM
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| I have a four year old daughter and she plays with her father that way as well. It is a way to bond and have fun. I have worked with Au Pairs from around the world and there are many cultural differences, including ways of expressing affection. Many other countries are amazed at how Americans display affection. There are many good books out there too that you could show your wife. Children need affection from both parents. Your daughter happens to be more physical like my daughter and it is good that you are fulfulling that need. You sound like a great dad! |
| posted by Kara on 07/06/2007 04:10 PM
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