Here is my story of my angel "Kierstyn Geraldine Moist" - Healing Moments/Dealing with Childloss - Post

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Here is my story of my angel "Kierstyn Geraldine Moist"

Michelle

I wanted to post my story as I know I am not going though life alone and with my last posting has made me understand that everyone on here is a wonderful bunch of people that care... So here it goes!!!! I don't remember much when my daughter was born, I was told what happend because I had a seisure and stopped breathing for almost 4 minutes.. Thank God my husband was at home when it started.. He called the ambulance and they got me to Good Sam Hosptial in time.. My Doctor at the time did a emergency c-section on Aug 4th 2006 (Which I don't remember at all) Kierstyn came out pink and breathing really well, So the dr felt there was no need to send her down for addintional testing.. "I guess" the dr in charge usually does when the mother has a Grandmal Seisure.. Well I just remember wakeing up 3 days later to a beautiful little girl in front of me... I kept on saying .. I can't believe you made it.. But you did... You made it.. I never though the worst was yet to come..... I was discharged 5 days later because of how high my blood pressure was.. When I was able to go home I was still alittle under the weather because of the morfin they had me on... But really happy that I wasen't pregnant anylonger and now I can enjoy being a mommy... After we were home for 4 days Kierstyn she started to breath funny, I called the oncall Dr and she said to go and get some cold medicine and if it doesn't clear up then go to the ER.. Well after a few hours we did just that... I remember sitting in the back seat of our suv and looking at Kierstyn.. Her eyes were closed and half way to Emanuel Hospital her eyes opened, she gave me that look like she was in trouble.. My husband was speeding knowing since I was quite that there was something wrong... All I kept on saying to Kierstyn is were almost there, were almost there... We got to the emergancy room and I remember walking in and saying I think there is something wrong with my daughter .. Looking away for just a second.. And then looking back at Kierstyn and she was as white as a ghost.. I said, SHE'S NOT BREATHING SHE'S NOT BREATHING, A nurse grabbed Kierstyn and ran in the back of a room, were I kept on repeating ..breath Kierstyn breath.. And then I started to pray.. Thinking anything will help... A lady asked me how old Kierstyn was I said 9 days old... Then all of a sudden, someone yeld out She's breathing , head to the NICU.. I was then able to take a deep breath and say Thank You God , Thank you... I remember looking a Kierstyn she was so wide eyed when I said her name.. she even clinched my hand with her tiny palm.. My husband and I didn't find out until the next day what was actually wrong with her... A heart doctor pulled us aside and let us know that Kierstyn has alot of brain damage also some heart problems.. He told us that she would need heart surgery in order to live, we said .. What do we have to sign .. Lets do it no matter what the risk is.. As the dr's made us think she would be fine... Lots of kids have this surgery and do really well since it it just narrowing of the aorta.. So we signed to papers so when the surgery could be done, It would be scheduled.. On the 3 day is when another doctor came over to us and said, Kierstyn is not doing as well as we were hopeing.. There are some other things we need to discuss.. Kierstyn probobly will not be able to do the heart surgery for quite awhile if at all.. (She has a 2% chance even making it passed another week because it's hard to keep veins open long enough to keep blood flowing.. The doctor also stated that she will probobly be paralized from the neck down.. As Kierstyn wasn't breathing for over 10 mins, It was a miracle that she even started breathing again in the emergancy room.. Most don't come back.. The Doctor also informed us that Kierstyn would be having lots of other complications.. She has Turner Syndrome on top of it all.. Eddie and I consulted a few other doctors and then we had to make the hardest descion of our lives.. All the other doctors said, the same thing... Soooo we decided to let Kierstyn go back to heaven.. So she can run, jump, play and be out of pain.. Since she had Turner syndrome she would most likely be a lab rat.. We needed to think of Kierstyn, and not be selfish for our own reasons and keep her here.. I remember letting her go back to heaven outside of the NICU and saying go to heaven be with grandpa.. I'll see you again when I join you in heaven.. Eddie (my husband) was holding her when she took her last breath and kissed her on the mouth then said, I love you more then you'll ever know.... I love you is the only word I could say for the 3 hours that she was breathing on her own before she got her wings on Aug 19th 2006... I am very thankful that I was able to spend the time I did with my daughter and get as many pictures as I did of her.. I am needing alot more friends to help me though this even though it has been almost 3 years since my beautiful little angel got her wings... !!! Please don't hesitate to give me advise as I am needing it... Thank you for listening to my story as it helped me get some tears that I have been holding back out..and I do feel much better ! Lots of hugs, Michelle
Posted by Michelle on 04/18/2009 04:56 AM

Melissa

I'm crying with you. Thank you so much for sharing. There is lot we have in common. Like Kierstyn my son, Ethan, had a chromozone disorder (trisomy 13) Not exactly the same but he has issues with his heart and surgery was talked about at first. He also had brain damage. My husband and I also came to the decision to let him go to God. I know how hard that is. I remember looking at my son knowing there was nothing anyone could do. The only way I could help him was to let him go.

I found some website with other women who lost their baby from Turner Syndrome. I find it helpful reading other stories.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Turner_Syndrome/forum/6650023-losing-my-baby-ts/lastpage

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyjosiekay

Also I like going on cafemom.com when I can my user name on there is m.ann

Big Hugs,

Melissa

posted by Melissa on 04/18/2009 06:12 PM

Renee

Dear Michelle,

Thank you for sharing your story with us all. I feel that is a start to some healing for you. It makes me think about my own experence with Kayla. When we look at others stories I feel it makes us see that our story isn't maybe as bad to bare. I know now I had it simple with her birth and death even though it was hard for me at the time but also I can see now that it has made me stronger person that I am now. That I'm not the only one that has lost a daughter or son in the world. But I know that someday soon that God will come to take me home to heaven. There is not more pain or sorrow there or sin. I wish now that I had one photo of her. When I left the hospital I had only the blanket and the cap that she wore. Me personly now I'm still not over her loss. I don't think one can ever be. I'm 45 now and that was almost 20 years ago. It now still helps me see how loved my boys are now. And it is hard to know that Coco may have to be sent home to his birth mom in a few months after having him in our home for 6 months now. But because I want a child so badly I put up with all the hoop jumping that CPS makes you do. Its a hard job to do. This is why I joined this group. Thank you for having the couage to tell you feeling here. It will help you heal the pain in side. I've been reading a good book Named " Belonging" By Ron and Nancy Rockey. If you have had a loss I find it's a really good book to help you deal with loss and how to move on in life. I am seeing a lot of things that I do to Coco that I shouldn't do. He is dealing with loss too of his mother and being sepatated from her. I see that he needs me in many ways that I didn't think about.

Well keep intouch and hugs.

Renee'

posted by Renee on 04/19/2009 04:39 AM

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