At times life feels empty, even though I am really thankful for my boys as one is 19 month and the other 8 wks.
I still have this emptyness that I am missing out on what was mine almost 3 years ago, I lost my daughter when she was 2 wks old..
Eddie (my Hubby) still thinks that things happen for a reason and life just needs to go on.
Some days it's hard for me to do just that.. Except what has been taken from me.. Why can't I let go of this anger and frustration?
Easter was really hard on me as I seen little girls in cute little dresses and for that I am jeolous and it's usually just around the holidays I wish I could get back what was taken from me...
I am sorry, I am not usually like this, SELFISH
but I am just hurting and I would do anything in the world to make this stop as Eddie doesn't talk to me much about our daughter and even though I tell him that it hurts, he usually says, she's gone and by talking about her just keeps you greiveing so what's the point..
Why do men have to be so cruel??
I feel like I am greiving for my daughter by myself as no one wants to talk about her when I do..
Well thanks for listening..
Hugs, Michelle

Michelle,

 I know where you are coming from. My husband was the same way. I don't think your husband is trying to be cruel. Men and women respond to grief differently. It is likely that he doesn't want you to be in pain. Men are "fixers" And this he can't fix. He probly see your pain the most when you talk about your daughter and in his mind talking is the source of you pain. Try telling him that talking and crying helps you heal and feel better (at least with time it will help) I also told my husband that I needed to talk about our son because I was afraid he would be forgotten and his life would mean nothing. Knowing that he would always be remember has help me. Getting your feelings out is a must. Even if you can't have someone face to face right now,keep seeking ways to let it out. One of the things I did was make a website in honor of my son. http://www.freewebs.com/treasures-in-heaven/ I also keeped a notebook by my bed and would write about what happened and my feelings. You are not alone and there will be a time when you will no longer feel alone. You may find this site helpful... http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572_4045.asp

Sometimes I think about printing this list out and handing it to everyone I know....

Bereaved Parents Wish List 

Compiled by Diane Collins, TCF, Bay Area

1. I wish my baby hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my baby's name. My baby lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my baby, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me. My baby's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my baby, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my baby, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my baby's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my baby until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my baby, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say, "I'm doing okay, " I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advise to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my baby died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my baby died, and will never be that person again.

17. I wish very much that you could understand-understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

Melissa

Dear Michelle,

I'm so sorry about your loss.  I to have lost a daughter at 25 week during my PG.  She was born very early at 5 month.  That was almost 25 years ago and I still feel at times of her loss during holidays or the anni day she was born. We all deal with it differently. 

Last year my husband and I fostered a baby that we had for 13 months and thought that we would be able to adopt him but the courts send him back to his mother she was 16 year old.  That loss has been very hard on both me and my hubby and we both dealt with it in different ways.  I found out that I had to talk about the loss.  He didn't talk about it and cried when I didn't see him.  We both found out that we both had to take time to talk about it and about him and the loss.  After a long talk together I told him that I needed him to hear me talk about it and the loss and my feeling.  That I didn't want him to fix it but just be there for me.  It worked and now we are able to deal with the loving times that we spent with James and now I feel closer to my hubby. We have a photo of James in our family place that has our other son and he will always be our son too.  We talk to our son about James and how much we loved him. Coco knows that we love him just as much.

I hope that you too will be able to talk to your hubby about the loss and tell him to hear you and share his feeling too and cry about it together.  Men don't always want to deal with there feeling.

If you ever need to talk about things you can email me.  Take care.

We will be praying for you during this hard time.

Renee'