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| First Time Moms |
| Public online group |
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| I am expecting in January. The father will not take responsibility for the baby and the way he has been treating me has been beyond horrible. I had been involved with him for almost a year before this happend and even though it was not serious, we saw each other quite a bit. He is treating me as though I have ruined his life, and as though we are this horrible dirty part of his life he'd rather go away. He doesn't want me to tell anyone I never expected him to turn around and be as nasty as he is about the whole thing. I haven't asked him for anything, except to be a presence in the childs life. I can do this financially without him. He never wanted kids and I knew that. I was told that I couldn't have kids and I consider this baby a gift. He actually told some of his friends that I am some crazy girl who did this on purpose to trap him and that the baby probably isn't his! I was pretty blindsided by that. I am just so hurt and I am so sad all the time. I am only 3 1/2 months pregnant and I know what I am feeling is got to be bad for the baby but I can't pull myself out of this. I told him to go away at one point but he didn't want to and kept apologising. I am thinking of telling him to get lost again, but then second guess myself. This whole thing sounds like we are both teenagers, but I am 37 and he is 40. His real father left his mom when she was pregnant with him, so he knows how this feels. He doesn't even know if the guy is alive or dead and he is in therapy for it. I want to be happy, and I am really stuggling. Has anyone been through this or have any advice? I am also going to talk to a therapist this week. I am hoping it will help. |
| Posted by Jacqui on 07/02/2007 03:52 PM
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| I have never been through anything like this but you have my deepest sympathy. just keep yourself together for your baby.me personally i would tell him to get lost, he is just making things worse, maybe once the baby is here he will come around if not oh well . you dont want your child feeling the rejectment. truthfully i dont have the answers i am telling you what i would do. |
| posted by Natasha on 07/02/2007 04:21 PM
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I would say give him more time to adjust. Keep your distance for now. Your body is going through a lot of changes right now and you are going to be a little more sensitive to everything going on around you. It's easier for you to adjust to all the changes that are coming because of this. Give him time to adjust and especially don't make any decisions about his involvement until after the baby is born. He may change his tune once the baby gets here. I know it's not fair for you to have to go through the pregnancy alone, but your baby needs a father so try not to make any rash decisions right now. I'm not saying you should baby him through this. Your first priority should be yourself and your health, and then the health of your baby, and then him and his feelings.
My husband's x ran him out of his kids lives because she thought her and the kids were a package deal. She didn't want to share visitation. She found a man to replace their father and nagged and pushed until he finally gave up. (It was better for the kids for him to back off than to have them be put in the middle of every fight she started.) When she found out I was pregnant she had adoption papers drawn up for their stepdad because she didn't want them to meet their half sister. Since we didn't want our daughter to go through having to deal with her and all of her bull. He signed the papers. My point is...she didn't even give him a chance to be a father to them once he left her. She wanted him to leave them alone. I don't understand how a mother can want her kids to feel like their father doesn't want them. Especially when he really does want them. Just make sure it is his decision to not be involved and not you pushing him, but be clear that if he is going to be involved it's not just going to be when it's convenient for him. |
| posted by Cinda on 07/02/2007 04:26 PM
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| I feel awfully sorry for your situation. I have no idea what you are going thru, but I will tell you this, you have to do what is best for the baby, and that might include letting go of the family pic that is in your dreams and take responsibility as a single mom. I would NOT expose my baby to anyone's rejection including his dad's. How much good do you think is going to do to your son to feel all the negative stress and rejection? It seems to me that you are forcing the future dad into a responsibility he didn't want in the first place. Get away from him, enjoy your pregnancy, it is a wonderful time, if the baby's father want to share it with you let it be it, otherwise enjoy the moment and your baby. Yes, your baby will need a dad, but it doesn't have to be the biological dad, and be aware that there are many, many, people who have been raised out of a single household and they turned out perfectly okay. |
| posted by sonia on 07/02/2007 06:21 PM
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| typo ealier (rejection) |
| posted by Natasha on 07/02/2007 06:32 PM
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I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have never had this happen to me before. I do how ever know how it feels to think maybe you won't ever have kids and then it happens to you so congrats on the up comming baby. I will be married 8 years and have known my hubby for 9 we finally had our bunddle of love, Malik is his name, after 7 happy years of being married he will be 1 year in October.
I do have some advise try to not think about what's happening with him , don't let him get to you for your baby's sake he is the one missing out on the wonderful pregnacy and soonn to be movements in the tummy that you will feel. Give him some time he will come around, if he has mentioned the baby might not be his then tell him you have a test done to prove it to him.
For now though start the baby's room and get wrapped up in that read to the baby while he or she is in you,sing to the baby, enjoy this time while you can. Try to let it all go for the sake of the child that is in you,too much stress can cause a misscarridge and you don't want that to happen.Life's too short to be stressed all the time.
Any how hope it all gets better and wish you and your lil one the best.He will come around you will see in time. |
| posted by Amber on 07/02/2007 08:03 PM
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| My daughters father acted the same way and I told him he should leave us alone(Iwas about 4 mos. pregnant). We worked things out ,I thought, But after she was born his anger towards me for "trapping him" was so overwhelming that he became extremely emotionally/verbally abusive and eventually he started to take it out on our daughter(6 mos. old). When I left he made my life crazy but my daughter was safe. I wish I had never told him I was pregnant or allowed him to treat me and her like that. Even now 9 mos. after we left he has such a resentment for me that he can't be a good father. |
| posted by christina on 07/09/2007 09:59 PM
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