Hi everyone my name is Lisa, i am a mother of a teen girl (14) going on 21. For the most part she is a very good girl but has a side of her that I just don't know what to do with or how to deal with. before I get into to much detail I have to honest about me . I was never raised with a whole lot of discipline and there were rarely consequences for my actions. I hold that to blame sometimes for the way I raise my own children, but some how I am trying to do things differently with my own children so that they don't make the mistakes that I did and ITS not Working.

It started with my daughter smoking cigarettes, I'm a smoker so I felt like my fault ~what else would I expect, I grounded her  and tried to talk to her about the effects and I even tried to quit for some time.....she is still smoking , not in front of me but I know she does.  next came the boys .... me and my daughter have been very close she opened up to me that she lost her virginity last summer at which was the time I found out I had cervical cancer. I told her about how and what causes this and thought that it would make a difference and again the consequences, I am so tore up, nothing I say sticks with her she acts as though she gets it and then turns around and does it again. .... about a 8 months later we have moved , a fresh start for her and new beginning........ as exciting and life changing as this has been for us  I felt she was going to be a much better person, she is involved in sports now and plays a very important role in softball her grades are up to C's and B's. but I was awoke 2 weeks ago at 3:30 in the morning by the police who had my daughter and said she had violated a curfew statute and was ticketed. I never beat my children but this  was the final straw I got a belt and gave her the old fashion spanking that she needed.  from that night till now I don't sleep, I am asking my self what the hell am I doing, how do  I do this? and find my self with answers that I am so confused and I don't have a clue as to what to do. My husband  works nights , he is a verbal person and generally don't get involved except through words. he is not the biological father but a month ago he adopted my daughter. he thinks we need to check into a juvenile center for her, I love her and that scares me to think I may end up having to. please HELP

Hi Lisa, 

I have a 13 year old daughter. I know this is a very hard time for you and your trying your hardest. I just started going through some of the changes that the teenagers go through.  We have to love them and support them no matter what.  Maybe if you look into sometype of support/family group or a progam where she see what will happen to her if she does not change her ways.  I know when I was younger our church group had a great influence on me and they had a movie on friday night and showed us what will happen to us if we do not obe the law and believe you me even to this day I'm so scared of doing anything wrong. We are started to look into going back to church just my duaghter and me.  I think that will help her alot.  I hope this email helps you. 

Hang in there   If you need to talk or vent just email me.  I may not know what to say however I a good listner and I'm working through some problems as well so maybe we can help eachother.

Kathy

I cannot speak from the experience of raising a teenage daughter but I do have a 16 yr old son and I taught high school for ten years. I also remember well what I was like as a teenager. Let me just say that the things you have mentioned about your daughter do not seem that out of the ordinary. I do not think that they would warrant a juvenile detention center. That could be even worse, causing her to resent you and exposing her to other teenagers who have been in serious trouble and have much larger issues. I believe in every parent's right to discipline his/her children, but I would avoid using any sort of corporal punishment with a teenager. It serves no real purpose and once again will foster resentment. Grounding/ loss of privelages is a good alternative. Perhaps some sort of reward system for good or desired behaviors might help as well. It really depends on the personality of your daughter and what motivates her. I do understand your concern and frustration, and it is great that you are aware of your daughter's negative choices and behaviors.

I lost my virginity when I was 15, smoked, and snuck out of the house on occasion. I didn't always make good choices, and despite what my parents said or did, I had to learn from my own mistakes. The problem with teenagers is that they do not possess the ability to see how their present actions could affect their long term future. You can lecture her and point all of this out, but odds are that most of what you say right now will not sink in. The best you can do is to stay involved. Keep her active in sports and school activities. Get to know her friends- invite them over even if you don't like them or approve of them. You don't have to condone her smoking or allow it, but realize that she will do things on her own and you cannot control them. As long as she is not using drugs or abusing alcohol, you should nto worry too much. You can point out the negative aspects of smoking, and give her as much information as possible. The same with having sex so young. You can educate her and make sure she understands how to use birth control. My mother always told me that she chose her battles with me. There were times when she knew I was doing things, but she let me make the mistake. I did spend time grounded and lost privelages. I made mistakes, but It urned out just fine as an adult despite all of it. I went on to college, married, had children. I like to believe that I am a good person, partially due to what I learned growing up.

Do not blame yourself for your daughter's actions. She is nto going to be perfect or always do what is right. The best thing you can do as a parent is serve as a positive role model, exhibiting good behaviors and modelling positive relationships. Keep the communication lines open (it sounds like you have a good relationship there) and support her when she truly needs it. We cannot protect our children from the same mistakes we made. They are bound to get into trouble occasionally and make their own mistakes. We can only serve to guide and ecuate them about life choices.

Kendra,

Thank you ! ........ Thank You ! As I set in tears here I am so choked up but what you wrote is what I know deep down . I do my best to be this person you have explained above , Its the hardest posistion I have ever taken on, Its the most confusing at that, the hardest part is that I love my daughter so much and the road and trials she is travelling are the exact I took, I met her father  when I was 13 and experienced the same things, later to find  myself broken hearted and left alone with a  unborn at the age of 18. I just dont want her to go through the things I did and obviously what Im trying to do is control her, I know this should be limited at this point and that letting her go  a little is necessary but there is no trust with her , its not that I dont want to ,Im ready for her to be somewhat independant  but I just cant trust her. The hardest part is letting her go into the world and letting her make those mistakes, I dont know why I am so afraid to let her do it sometimes it seems for my own selfish reasons like what will the neighbors say or what will my mother in law think? and I nearly puke to hear myself think that but It never mattered to me before, but now  all of a suddden it does. Any ways i have to go I have a busy day  and a sick 10 year old . Thanks again for your feedback . It is so appreciated.

Lisa

I so understand the pain and frustration associated with parenting. I had a very difficult time with my son when he was in middle school. It also helped me to understand the things my mother went through as I was growing up. I think it is just all part of the process. We suffer more so our kids don't have to- because we love them so deeply. One day, they will have children of their own and gp through the same agonies. I keep telling my husband that I am going to take plenty of pictures of our 5 month old daughter so that when she hits those horrible teenage years we can remember what a lovely baby she was and that we will get through it :) Don't be so hard on yourself...it sounds to me like you are just a very loving mother who wants the best for her daughter. And based on my experience with teenage girls, it does seem to get better when they are around 16-18.

Good luck with your ten year old!!!

Thanks Kendra! I sure hope your right about "it gets better as they get older"  I hope I can stay sain in the mean time......LOL I checked into getting my daughter into a OB/GYN today, can you believe that they told me that I had to leave her at the front and that they would not be able to share any personal information with me.  We are talking about a 14 year old girl who has rights. Are they freaking insane? Sorry for my out burst but could someone make this make sense to me..... I called planned parent hood  basically the same thing only my daughter has to be the one to iniate the  office visit. ........you got to be kidding me!    Im just trying to help MY daughter  be safe and they want to kick me out ?  I just dont get it.

lisa,i too have a 14yr old daughter and most the time i feel like im losing my mind.i just recently had to put her on birth control.wasnt my choice.but i realy like how it happened.i made a apptment for her and her bro.when i was in other room she texts me to tell me shes getting on the pill.i was furious and stuck in another room.she has a different dr.anyway,when i was finished with my son her dr said for me to come in the room.your right,they dont tell us parents anything after there 14.but the dr asked very aggressively for my daughter to tell me and she would mediate between us.so my kid spoke up.thank god!! as we were all talking,come to find out my kid is still a virgion.she just wanted it for,just in case.she didnt trust herself with peerpressure.thats a whole other issue.anyway,i was happy to hear she hasnt done anything yet.she agreed to let me know if she decides to.also,i agreed with the birthcontrol.as the dr reminded me,it not only protects my daughter but it saves me too.i agreed.also,i knew my kid doesnt do well with taking meds regularly,so i compromised and shes getting the depo shot.so in a nutshell,im still in control.i may not be able to control her every choice but at least this is one life changing choice i think i have somewhat of a grip on.

also,its true they will get better when they get older.i have 5 boys and 1 girl.my dughter is number 4 on the teen list.shes way worse then the boys were.but as u already know,we all go thru bumps in the road.and teens are just dumassess until they grow out of it.we grew out of it,didnt we?dont worrie mom.she loves u and knows u care about her.shes just a typical teen who lost her way,shell find her right path again.write me if u ever want to chat

lisa,i too have a 14yr old daughter and most the time i feel like im losing my mind.i just recently had to put her on birth control.wasnt my choice.but i realy like how it happened.i made a apptment for her and her bro.when i was in other room she texts me to tell me shes getting on the pill.i was furious and stuck in another room.she has a different dr.anyway,when i was finished with my son her dr said for me to come in the room.your right,they dont tell us parents anything after there 14.but the dr asked very aggressively for my daughter to tell me and she would mediate between us.so my kid spoke up.thank god!! as we were all talking,come to find out my kid is still a virgion.she just wanted it for,just in case.she didnt trust herself with peerpressure.thats a whole other issue.anyway,i was happy to hear she hasnt done anything yet.she agreed to let me know if she decides to.also,i agreed with the birthcontrol.as the dr reminded me,it not only protects my daughter but it saves me too.i agreed.also,i knew my kid doesnt do well with taking meds regularly,so i compromised and shes getting the depo shot.so in a nutshell,im still in control.i may not be able to control her every choice but at least this is one life changing choice i think i have somewhat of a grip on.

also,its true they will get better when they get older.i have 5 boys and 1 girl.my dughter is number 4 on the teen list.shes way worse then the boys were.but as u already know,we all go thru bumps in the road.and teens are just dumassess until they grow out of it.we grew out of it,didnt we?dont worrie mom.she loves u and knows u care about her.shes just a typical teen who lost her way,shell find her right path again.write me if u ever want to chat