My name is Renee' and I live in northern CA in a small town.  I've lived here most of my life and like it.  I married 5 years ago to my second husband.  We can't have children together so we planned on adoption so a few years ago we started to be foster parents we waited a long 1 1/2 years before a placement came to us.  And that son we had for 13 months.  He was 5 months old when he came.  Him BM was a 16 year old with lots of drama in her life like most 16 year olds.  We went though hell with this placement.  I think it was the hardest thing we have ever had to go though.  At the end of 13 months the child was returned.  We were told that he was coming up for adoption but the courts had a different idesa about that and gave him back.  We didn't have a very good relationship with the BF at the time.  But the brake up was very hard to go though for us and the child.  But God has blessed us with being able to have 2 x per month visits.  Most Foster parents never see there children ever again after they leave.  We have a wonderful bond together and have a better relationship with his BM now. 

In the past I have lost two babies.  One at 25 weeks and one at 8 weeks so I do understand what you all most feel.  With the loss of James it was like loosing my own child without death.  And it at times is very hard to see him again.  But I take everyday I have with him and praise God.  After James left we were called from CPS to take a new son.  He is the joy of our lives and we love him and have a very tight bond and he with us.  His mother don't have much of a chance getting him back at this time.  The road of adoption is starting again for us with this new child.  We had our second meeting with State adoptions this week.  But now I am uneasy about looing this one too.  Life is never certian even up to the dried ink on the adoption papers.  The emotional roller coaster that this has given us over the last 3 years is almost to much.  To want a child so badly and be so close.

Thank you for all your thoughts.  Our hearts go out to all of you that have lost children.

Renee'

Welcome Renee, Me and my husband had thought of adopting that way but a few friends had tried it and also had the child returned. It happen to one friend three times. They gave up. So now my husband says we can't do it. I've had 4 miscarriages and lost an infant and it would be just to much to have to give back a child I felt was mine. I'm praying that you have better luck this time.

Take care,

Melissa