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| Does anyone else have problems with Sister and brother in~laws?? My husbands brother hates me and he does not even know me. He thinks I married him because I was a single mom and I took what I could get, and that I am using him. OK FOR WHAT???? He does not make a ton of money LOL I married him because I love him!!!! So then his wife hates me because he hates and now his sister is joining in. Everytime we have a get together they don't talk to me or anything. My husbands sister called the other night so I anwsered the phone " Hi is Adam there and I said yes is this Kate? She replies yes is Adam there??? " I mean how rude is that????? So what do I do?? |
| Posted by Jeanette on 06/29/2007 03:33 PM
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Poor thing,
Sounds like you are in a bad situation Jeanette. It sounds like they are acting very immature and you definately do not want to stoop to their level although it can be very easy too. The best thing would probably be to talk to your husband about it and get his opinion on the way they are acting. If he notices it too then mabye he can try talking to them and telling them that you are part of their family now and it really is not fair. Good luck!
Jeanna |
| posted by Jeanna on 06/29/2007 03:45 PM
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| I did talk to my husband and he sees it too and has talked to his brother and his brother said, to him I said what I said and I meant it. He still hates me and I hate it because I feel like they think I control him and I don't. He is allowed to go out and do stuff. I just would like him to ask me thats all. I just can't stand being around people who I know don't like me. I will go to my mother in laws but I refuse to go to my brother in laws house. I am not going to go somewhere where I am am not liked. I just don't understand how you can judge someone with out getting to know them right?? |
| posted by Jeanette on 06/29/2007 03:54 PM
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| I know how you feel!! Oh, it is the hardest thing when your husband's family gives you problems, not to mention the amount of anxiety you can get from it! In my case, it was my mother-in-law, who would make rude comments and SMOKE right in front of my new born son!!! That was the last straw...I had to have my husband say something to her, because that was something I was NOT going to put up with. But, I think in your case...KILL 'EM WITH KINDNESS. It may sound cheesy, but if there really is no reason for them not to like you, prove it to them. And if they are still rude, try to keep your cool, and eventually your husband will have it out with them in your defense. Good luck!! |
| posted by Rebecca on 06/29/2007 04:06 PM
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| Hey Jeanette. I feel your pain.LOL I, too, have in-laws who HATE me. In fact, it is my father-in-law. It is a long story, but my husband and I have been together for almost nine years, and the day I met this man, the hatred began. First off, I am not a "suck up" kind of person. And I don't rely on a man to control my life. And this is the kind of man he is, and thinks every women should be this way. I have struggled through this every since, and still have. In fact, this man is trying everything he can to destroy his son and I. It has affected our marriage beyond our control. It makes me sad that FAMILY can be so cruel. The only advice I have is stick with it, and stand by your husband and support however he feels. It is hard, I know, but it is a sacrifice you have to sometimes make. My husbands sister does the same thing to me when she calls to talk to my husband. I just blow it off. They are the ones missing out on your friendship and your children's. And worse of all, your husband, whom they should respect and support, no matter who he is married to. Oh, did I mention I don't care for my step-mother, she is crazy. But I have to suck it, because if my dad is truly happy, then I have to accept that and support it. My heart goes out to and your family. Take care, and keep your chin up. |
| posted by Roxanne on 06/29/2007 04:15 PM
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| Well I am not about to act like I like them, I am a very hott headed person. I told my husband don't expect me not to stick up for myself. I don't go to their house at all anymore, I am not going somewhere when I am not welcome. I love my mother in law and father in law. I just don't understand how someone can be like that. I have tried being kind and it back fired. I tried e-mailing my brother in law to talk to him and he told my husband please have her not email anymore. So what do you women say to that??????? |
| posted by Jeanette on 06/29/2007 04:32 PM
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| Wow, sorry to say this, but he is a real *asshole*!!!!! I'm sorry, but I would have to be rude back, not saying that it's good advice, but that's just my personality. Tell him that as far as your concerned, he can go f*ck himself, and take his jerk-off personality with him. Trust me, I've had plenty of those types of arguments with my in-laws, and although it doesn't get anything solved, you sure feel a HELL of a lot better!! |
| posted by Rebecca on 06/29/2007 04:45 PM
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| Oh, and send him TONS of emails, lol!! |
| posted by Rebecca on 06/29/2007 04:46 PM
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| LOL!!!! I should!!! I am just all set with the drama! So I choose not to talk to them! |
| posted by Jeanette on 06/29/2007 04:57 PM
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| OK, I agree with Rebecca. Actually being nice to them pisses them off more. Did you know that? Oh yeah. But whatever makes you feel better, then do so. It is nice to get out in the open on how you feel. But let's face it, THEY probably don't give a crap! My mother always said, "Kill them with kindness". That is my advice to you Jeanette. Remember who the better person is! |
| posted by Roxanne on 06/29/2007 05:00 PM
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| Well I feel like I am the better person. I have tried to be nice and it did not work. I say hi how are you and I get "FINE" and nothing else. So I am all set with talking to them. All that matters to me is that my husband and I are happy with our family!! |
| posted by Jeanette on 06/29/2007 05:14 PM
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| More power to you! |
| posted by Roxanne on 06/29/2007 05:21 PM
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| Well, you can still "pretend" to be nice, with the "hi's", and the "how are you's", just make sure that there's a TON of sarcasm in your voice, this way you can say, "What?? I WAS nice to them"! LOL!!! More power to you, just don't let them get to you! |
| posted by Rebecca on 06/29/2007 05:39 PM
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Jeanette, I agree that being extra nice would probably make them really mad.
But what you have to do is make sure your husband is behind you on this. He needs to tell them to respect you and be nice to you. As long as they are not coming between you and your husband then it's probably something you'll just have to learn to live with. Some people may think he should automatically agree with them because they are family, but he doesn't. He made a commitment to you and needs to stand by you on this. I have an article on the subject.
http://www.helium.com/tm/421263/expression-blood-thicker-water
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| posted by Marcia on 06/29/2007 07:57 PM
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| I understand where you are coming from, my brother-in-law does not hate me but Him and hiswife had a baby 11 days before us and all they do is compete with us on everything. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff and I understand when you marry someone you marry there family but if these people can no tell what a wonderful person you are it is there loss |
| posted by Michelle on 06/29/2007 09:07 PM
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| I know how you feel girl. my hubands brother and his wife can be like that to me. they especially if his sister is around also.then i am always left out of everything. me and my in-laws got into it one day cause WE were suppose to be planning a baby showere for my sister-n-law but was i part of the we. no not until it came time to buy the food.they did not ask me about the date that they picked or nothing. i found out when they announced it at church. i have been nothing but good to them. offered to help her when she had the baby and everything, i guess because i want so bad to get along with them. i even let my husbands brothers wife stay wwith us when her husband joined the army (rent free) until he got out of traing. it is her i have the most problems with and it was her that had the baby. alsso i do know why she acts like that but it still is not an excuse. i am like sisters with her husbands ex-wife. but that does not mean she can be friends with me and then as soon as someone else gets there quit talking to me.i am sorry for what you are going thru and know you are not alone. |
| posted by Natasha on 06/29/2007 09:36 PM
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| In-laws can be a big pain in the butt! It's a good thing we marry someone for them and not for their family. I had a similar problem with my mother-in law. My husband was raised by his grandparents and when we were dating his gma was fine with me. Mind you we lived in montana at the time and his grandparents lived in illinois. When we finally moved down here last year his grandma wanted us to come up there all the time. So we did (she is elderly and not in good health) The first few times we went up there she would comment on the weight i had put on. (15 lbs while my husband was overseas for a year!) I'm not a big person, 5'6'' and 140lbs. It really bothered me and my husband wouldn't say anything to her about it. One night, after a few too many drinks, i started dishing the rude comments back and told her that if she didn't knock it off with the fat jokes that i was never coming up there again. I never got an appology but the rudeness stopped pretty quickly. Not sure if that would work for you but it's a thought. hope it works out |
| posted by Amanda on 06/29/2007 10:23 PM
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| Jeanette, It's amazing how grown adults can act so childish and mean sometimes. I must admit I catch myself wanting to lash back or be rude just because my feelings are hurt by mean people. It does feel good, for a moment, then guilt for our own behavior sets in. The problem is we have these observant "little eyes and ears" watching how we treat the people around us, especially family. My children have made my husband and I want to be even more patient and loving towards others so that they will model that when they get older. My husband and I both come from difficult backgrounds. My husband's mother was divorced and remarried twice, she and his step dad were alcoholics. She never came to our wedding, never visited our home or saw her grandchildren. Since we've been married (only 5 years) we've had to bury both parents. Both left behind a huge amount of unresolved conflicts and hurtful words. Amends were never made and relationships never healed. As you can imagine the drama is never ending. His siblings each have their own way of coping and unfortunelty they can be very hurtful. I have had my ups and downs with my brother and sister-in-laws because of it. I have shed many tears. The thought of having loved ones dislike me really hurt, I know they only lash out because they are hurting themselves. I was a counseling major in college and I remember one professor saying "hurting people hurt other people." That has really stuck with me and seems to sum up alot of problems in our family. So many times I want to say forget it, I'm done with it, but the truth is I am a christian woman and I love them, even if they don't return the feelings right now. I can have compassion for their struggles and I can forgive them. I don't need their approval. I pray things will be different one day. Afterall everyone wants to feel loved, accepted and apprechiated, especially by their family. You just might be the one God is calling in the family to bring about some healing and peace by lovingly dealing with each one. I have to take my own advice here. I always want to get away from rude people, keep my distace, but now I think my son and daughter are watching and I want them to learn to never give up on people you love. Show them grace, mercy and kindness (even though they don't deserve it) because you love God and love you children enough to be a good example for them. In the end how can they hate someone who is nice, thoughtful, polite and respectful? I've decided in my family to start being the one who sends birthday cards, calls to check on them and takes an interest in their lives. It's easier to start with nieces and nephews, who doesn't feel softened when someone shows love to our children? They will be accountable for their behavior one day, and you do need to protect your children to some degree from being around nasty behavior, but remember you're accountable for yours as well. Behave in a way you can be proud of. Your husband, children and other family members will see the truth eventually. Aim to be a peace maker, assume the best even if you think you know better. You in laws many not even know HOW to be mature and loving...show them. Just don't let yourself become bitter and overcome with anxiety around them. Your kids and husband love you, God loves you and He will not give you more than you can handle. "God works ALL things out for the good of those who love Him."Romans 8:28 Sorry if I sound preachy, but God has been the only source I have had to try to learn to be mature and loving. Without the Bible I would be an angry, lonely, depressed woman. Life seems to make us that way unless we are shown some love somewhere. |
| posted by Amber on 06/29/2007 10:54 PM
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| OR, if you feel the need to speak your mind, tell the children to LEAVE THE ROOM for a moment, as many parents do, for it is not appropriate for children to be around everything we say, nor do we need to set an example ALWAYS as long as we excuse the little ones when it is not their business, and THEN let your in-laws know exactly how you feel. You do not need to be the polite one all the time, especially when others are treating you horribly. Children can be left out of adult discussions. |
| posted by Rebecca on 06/30/2007 12:44 AM
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| Sorry, I do not fully agree with Amber. We can set an example for our children, and still speak our minds by EXCUSING the children when we have something to say that doesn't concern them. |
| posted by Rebecca on 06/30/2007 12:45 AM
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| I totally agree with you Rebecca! Children DO NOT need to deal with adult issues. It is not there fault nor is any of their issues to deal with. Thanks Rebecca, for that. |
| posted by Roxanne on 06/30/2007 11:53 AM
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| I do speak my mind and I think that is half the problem. I take care of my children and if Sophie does something wrong I am on her, and they do not do that and it makes it hard because now they think I don't like their children and that is not true. I just think I will keep it to a minimum to seeing them, only if I have to and I will do it for my husband and that is the only reason. I respect him and I married him which means I am a part of his family. So wish me luck today at the cook out!! |
| posted by Jeanette on 06/30/2007 12:05 PM
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Good luck Jeanette
Dont kiss anyones ass that doesnt resoect u or your husband cause if they treat u loke dirt that is disrespecting your husband as well. I wish your hubby would tell them off on your behalf
Laura |
| posted by laura on 06/30/2007 12:27 PM
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my husband's family is also rather difficult. i've just learned that being polite --- i don't go out of my way, but i am friendly when they are in contact -- and accepting that they're a little fruity has made a world of difference for me. now when his sister calls his cell instead of our home phone i just say "that's weird" and when she invites everyone but us weeks ahead and calls us at the last minute, well, we already have plans and we don't drop them for her. also, my husband and i have a code word and if i feel attacked i use the code and WE LEAVE immediately. even if we're out to dinner and just ordered but the food hasn't arrived. we don't say anything about their behavior, just my husband says "i'm sorry, i didn't realize how late it is, we need to leave now."
the bottom line, to me, is that we don't have to like our in laws and they don't have to like us, but we ALL love the same person and the relationship our husbands have with their families are invaluable. while i will not tolerate being mistreated, i also do not wish to affect their relationship.
have you read boundaries? it's by cloud and townshend and it REALLY helped us figure out how to deal with people that are difficult.
i also agree with the person who said "hurting people hurt"
fyi, i've also found that my husband created some of the tension by trying to please everyone. if your husband is doing that, then you have to wait for him to figure out that it just ends up hurting people. |
| posted by Christina on 07/01/2007 07:08 PM
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| Amen Christina! Boundaries is a GREAT book, highly recommend every "people pleaser" to read. Our in-law situation was definetly aggrivated by trying to people please and saying yes to things just to keep the peace. My husband would agree to things he knew I'd dislike just to be agreeable, I also always did follow through for him because I love him, but we'd fight about it later. It takes years sometimes to figure out how to deal with difficult people, especially family. It is worth the effort though. I think of it as a test of my character. It's not wrong to speak about problems, but sometimes they don't get resolved after you do talk and that's when you just have to decide to be polite and loving even if they aren't that way back. I suppose I should have been more clear in my earlier post, I just was trying to encourage you to be sure you weren't out to "hurt them back" by telling them off. I know that's my first fleshly instinct. It has a way of causing more harm than good in the long run. I am certain you know what I mean. Keep your spirits up, no use in letting this drive you crazy. It will if you let it. |
| posted by Amber on 07/01/2007 09:59 PM
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| Great advice Christina. I AGREE! |
| posted by Roxanne on 07/02/2007 01:28 AM
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What does your husband think? I feel that as your husband, and best friend, he should stick up for you and demand that you be respected for one thing & the other is to explain to them what a type of person you are and why he loves you so much! That should at least get them to be nice . . .. and nothing fights lies like kindness!! Kindness doesn't end stuff, but it gives them no room to talk about you , since they will have nothing to fault you on!
Rochelle
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| posted by Rochelle on 07/02/2007 09:23 AM
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| I agree Rochelle. Great advice. |
| posted by Roxanne on 07/02/2007 12:24 PM
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