pre warning, this is a little bit long!

My fiance's emotions are constantly all over the place, and I am so tired of dealing with it! He will wake up and be in a horrible mood, and flip out on me for anything and everything. and then go to work, and call me a few hours later and apologize. but then he will do it all again the next day.

Like today, he woke up and went to make himself something to eat. he was muttering under his breath so i looked over to see what he was doing. and he was boiling water to make ramen. so i told him that i had made dinner and the left overs were in the fridge. I made dijon honey fish filets with rice, and he loooves fish. so i thought he would be excited. instead he was just like, well i dont want it. and i told him that i had made it because i thought he would like it. and he flipped on me, yelling not to push him and he doesnt feel like eating it and just leave him alone.

Another time he got mad because i ordered out and didnt wake him to ask what he wanted (he works 3rd shift and sleeps during the day). but i had gotten a calzone and when he woke up i told him he could have the rest of mine, i had eaten maybe 1/4 of it. and he got mad, saying that i only left him leftovers. and he was so tired of eating my leftovers. but he wakes up at 7:30 - 8 o'clock at night, at the earliest, which is two hours after we eat. so i am not going to make him a special meal just so he doesnt feel left out. but one day, i was ordering food, so i woke him up and asked him what he wanted, ordered it for him. then went and asked if he wanted to eat now, or if he wanted me to put in the fridge for later. he opted to get up then and eat with us. then he flipped out later because he didnt get enough sleep. (there is no winning with him!)

and my last one (i had to add this because it was ridiculous), he was mad about something and yelling at me, so i said something back to him and he said "just shut up you dumb bitch, shut your fucking mouth". so he continued yelling at me and i didnt say anything, so he yelled at me for ignoring him. so i answered him and he told me to shut up again. then i stopped talking and he yelled at me for ignoring him.

It was just so stupid, and this is how he is all the time. no matter what i do, or try, he is always depressed, and unhappy, and frustrated, and everything else... and it is always something that i am doing, or not doing.

The whole thing i said before, about him flipping out and then calling and apologizing (and he acknowledges everything that he did wrong, and says that he knows he needs to change), it makes me feel almost like a battered woman, or something. I mean he doesnt hit me, i would leave in a second if it came down to that. but you always hear the stories about how the man would hit his wife, but then he would apologize. and she would take him back, and he would (of course) do it again. I just feel like it is the same concept, but with verbal abuse instead of physical. I tried explaining that to him, and he flipped about that too.

I just am at the end of my rope. i am so tired of dealing with it all the time. of trying to do things to make him happy, only to have it blow up in my face. I just need to know what to do!

if anyone has suggestions, has dealt with this type of thing, or just wants to put in their two cents, please, feel free. i am open to anything, good or bad.

Thanks in advance!

Can I ask why you want to marry him if he treats you like this every day? My husband and I have had our fair share of problems but he never treats me like that. he works 2nd shift so I understand the sleeping all day. But if your fiance is going to get mad over little stuff like this all the time then it's time for you to rethink things. Number one it's not a healthy environment for the kids.  Children grow up and act out what they were raised around. They will think it's normal to tell people to shut the fuck up and call people dumb bitch.

After reading the little that you posted it sounds like emotional and mental abuse to me. And that's just as bad as physical. Most of the time that's how it begins. You do not have to put up with that. Is there something else going on that is bugging him?  Even if it is that still gives him no right to treat you like that.

~meg~

"Is there something else going on that is bugging him?  Even if it is that still gives him no right to treat you like that"

well thats what i said, but he always trys to push it on to me. I know it is stressful to work the hours he does, because i did it too. (thats how we met), and i can only imagine how hard it must be with a child. but i just hate how he treats me. I do love him, and i want to make this work, not just for me but for our daughter. and i am not sure what other stresses he has to deal with, i do pretty much everything else. but no matter what, when he is in a bad mood, it seems like it is all my fault. i either woke him up the wrong way, or i had an attitude, or i didnt do something, etc.

i know i am making excuses, and thats why i said the whole battered woman thing. because that is how i think of me and him. he says mean and hurtful things, apologizes, i accept, then it happens again. And i know how my excuses sound. but i just cannot help hoping that he will change. that things will be like they were when we first met. I did almost leave him about two months ago. I told him that I couldnt deal with the fighting, and that i didnt want to be with him if this was how things were going to be. and he begged me to give him a second chance. he said he would change if i could just tell him what to do, and give him a chance, he would do it. and after a week or so i told him okay. it was fine for a while, and then little by little, it all went back to the way we were before. but worse. he threatens to leave practically everyday (i tell him to go, if thats what he wants, then leave). I know he wont, and i know that he doesnt mean the things he says. i just wish i could understand why he is saying them. he can literally flip in a matter of seconds. and I am wondering if it is something that he cant help. like maybe he is bi polar or something?

My husband works swing and when he is on 3 rd shift he gets up at the latest 2.  I think it is crap for him to sleep all day.  This is his kid too, and he will get up and help do what needs to be done.  Granted he does not always work 3 rd shift, so that can make a slight difference.  But still he gets home at about 8:30 and showers and gets in the bed about 9 or 9:30 and gets up from 1 to 2.  He gets days off and I don't, he gets sick days and I don't he gets vacation days and I don't.  So that makes up for him working and me staying home, so like I said he can get up and help with his responsibilities. 

As for the mood swings I would have to say it really sounds like he may be depressed or really stressed.  Have you tried talking to him to see if something is bothering him?  I know times are really really hard right now, maybe he is overly stressed about money or his work and not telling you.  My husband is good for that also. 

I went through a similar situation. This all sounds way too familiar...I know just how you feel and Im so sorry. I wrote a post about it in this group last month. Honestly, this has NOTHING to do with YOU. He is very stressed and depressed about something and then he takes it out on you. He knows it has nothing to do with you and thats why he calls to apologize. It could be something as simple as him being stressed over not getting normal sleep (I worked 3rd too and I know how much it sucks!), or it could be something more serious like he went through something terrible before he met you or as a child and hes dealing with it now. You need to wait until he is having a better day and a little more rested, maybe on his day off and have a serious talk with him. Let him know that you love him and support him and you wanna know whats bothering him. I think maybe you both need some counseling so that he can deal with his issues and you can learn how to deal with him and be a better couple. Trust me, this is not just gonna get better on its own. It will only get worse and then you will get to the point where I was and I was so mad and angry and hurt that I could never forgive him. Just remember, this is not your fault and you are not doing anything wrong. Right now he cant help how he is acting and the things he is saying to you, it is wrong and he needs help. In the mean time please do things to make yourself happy and that beautiful baby happy. I wish you well and I am thinking about you! Please let us know how it goes.

This sounds similar to my relationship w/ my kids father. When we first met he was sooo sweet and he was always thinking of me, and would always call on his way over to see if I needed anything, etc. . We didnt move in together until after our first son was born, and he was still sweet for a while but eventually it went downhill. He started going out a lot and started getting an attitude about little things. So after we had our daughter we got into an argument and he ended up calling me a cunt! I moved out and within a week he was telling me that he couldnt live w/out me and he loved me so much and he needed me in his life. So, we moved back in together after about 6 months. Again he did well at first but eventually went back to the same ol shit. I dont know if its something he can control or not, but I consider it to be an anger/control issue. He also yells at the kids and expects too much of them for their ages. He's a compulsive liar; every time he leaves the house he comes home with an elaborate story about something that he saw or something someone said. I just dont trust him. I think he probably cheated on me. . . but anyway, back to the verbal abuse, he snaps off and cusses at me over the littlest things. Something very stupid that I can think of now would be one day since we've been separated, when we were outside w/ his brother and his girlfriend and his dog was in the kennel in the garage w/ the garage door open. (we were standing right in front of it) and his roomates dog was running around and his bro's g/f asked why he didnt let his dog out, and I said "He never lets her out" just messing around (both of the dogs are female and they fight a lot when they are both out at the same time) and he snapped off and was like "what the fuck ever, you always say the stupidist shit outta your mouth. i do let my dog out" So, he says things like this all the time. He gets defensive very easily and gets angry over simple stuff. I would recommend counseling if he's willing to go. If not, I doubt it will get better. Its obviously your decision but I wouldnt recommend marrying him if you arent happy and he's shown no signs of improvement. Mine always does better when I leave him, but as soon as we move back in or he thinks things are comfortable enough he's right back to being an ass. I really want us to be together and have our family back under the same roof, but I refuse to subject myself and my kids to his ridiculous behavior.

Feel free to send me a personal message if you want to talk further.

My thoughts are that no-one deserves to be treated like this.  For the sake of your relationship, I'd tell him you are miserable with how you are being treated and if things don't change you will leave.  The swearing and yelling at you is so terrible - I wouldn't put up with that for a minute.  Everyone fights, but what you're getting is zero respect and that's a huge issue.  Go to couples counseling, your priest, whomever, but do it soon or just leave.  He sounds like an ungrateful a-hole.  JMO.

I dont think this is depression. You'd think someone who is depressed wouldnt have the energy to be soo mean, right? I've had the blues bad before & u dont even want to get out of bed, let alone pick a fight w/ someone. This may be stress or crankiness do to no sleep, but hey, that's no excuse.

Abuse is abuse, whether physical, mental or emotional.  I've been in a relationship w/ all three so I know how much it sucks and drains your energy. You dont want your daughter growing up in this kind of enviroment.  Even if you were doing something wrong, there are differente ways for him to deal w/ it.  I say get counseling, help or get out. 

I think he need to see a shrink, It might help for him to see some and talk and they might van put him on some kind of medicaion to help with the really bad mood swings, If he's not open to this then i dont know what else to say than to leave him. I dated a few guys that were verbally abuseive, It doesnt get better and it will hurt you more than it will ever bother them. They only say sorry so you Wont leave. if he really cares about and honestly knows he needs to change then he'll be willing to do something baout it, If he refuse to see someone or take some real action then it will only get worse.

It may never lead to pyshical abuse,but if he is verbally attacking you so much then its not that far of a leap to hitting you. I hope you will leave him if it ever comes to that; and while iv never lived with that iv heard so many women say its just not that easy to up and go. You keeping think "it wont happen again" " i shouldnt have pushed him so hard" " He's just stressed out" and then you just cant leave because you'v let it happen so many times already you cant find a reson to go.

Erin you are not alone in your situation. my family is no support at all.

I sold my car and moved cross country with him, we have  3 yr old. things just suck to no end. he is selfish. he is on vacation right now, but god forbid if i am to spend any money he left me. he controls the money with everything else. i work from home and he still complains i dont work and make any money. i guess because i dont make nearly as much as he does i dont contribute to the housr as he tells me on a weekly bases.

i could tell you thinks that would make you crings on how selfish and mean he is.

question is how do you get out with no car, no money and nowhere to go.

michelle

Wow, I'm sorry, but the way this man treats you just sucks! So what if you dont bring home as much money as him or even any money at all!? I dont know what you believe or believe in but like I tell my daughters dad, God made man to work and bring home the bacon. He made me to raise my children and cook the bacon he brings home. Man is head of household, but it is written man is supposed to love his wife like the church loves God.  So "head of household" doesnt mean Dictatorship. Woman is supposed to care for man and "obey" but man is supposed to treat his wife with RESPECT and LOVE.  Granted, in these days its hard to live off of just one income so I work, too, but we do not go half on the bills. That's his responsibility as a man, not mine.  I cook, clean & cater to him & my daughter. He needs to be a provider. THATS HIS JOB!!!! So why would he walk around like he's more than me or expecting a trophy for it?

i agree with everything that all of you have said. believe me, i do. i dont want to break up with him because he is in a bad mood though. I have talked to him about this a few times, and lately he seems to be doing better. he has had a set back, but it wasnt anything like what he was doing before. and actually the outbursts were only recent. he would get stressed and get mad, but he only started being really mean recently.

I am glad that he has been doing better, and i am glad that i got so much input and support. It really means alot to me, sometimes all i really need to hear is that i am not wrong, and that my feelings are not misplaced. Just knowing that makes me feel alot better. but i really appreciate all the support i got from all of you too. Thank you so much, and I will let you know how it goes from here!

so all the replies were long but look into the fact he might be bi-polar.

my best friend is and all that was how she was before she got help. (she figured out she needed help when she almost lost it with her daughter and it dawned on her)

she is on only one pill and she is more mellow and able to complete work and home without loosing it with anyone.

I have a very "irritable" husband so I understand but some is just a little extreme (more childish really when you look at it)

thats exactly how i feel about it, its just childish. he knows its worng, even when he is doing it. but he cant help it, i did think bi-polar also. but he doesnt want to go to the doctor for it, because if he is, and has to take medication, his employers will find out, and he doesnt want them to know.

Men can be soooo wierd sometimes.  MY first bit of advice is not to nurture his whining and pouting behavior,  just ignore it.  Its OK to be concerned, maybe something is going on at work.  Maybe if you ask him is there something you can do to cheer him up or restore communication.

he maynot have to take meds LITerally there is natural stuff that works, if you look around on the internet you will find stuff I at first was told i had bi-polar ...but come to find out I was not my hormones we  just plain and simple unbalanced NOT SAY THAT is what he is. just saying that bi-polar is hard to be diagnosed. it's not like they do a blood test they do it on just how you act or at least that is how MY doctor did it.

I do HATE to ask this but could he maybe doing a little something else? LIKE I SAID I HATE TO ASK OR EVEN SUGGEST my ex boyfriend was and he went from being nice to being a complete paranoid freak he would yell at me for asking a simple question and start yelling and screaming I was cheating and so on forth I am BY NO means saying that our man is but with how bad it is now ya just never know the only way I found out was I got pregnant and he said if anything is wronge with the baby it is my fault I of course had said no and why do you say that then he said that was it I did end up loosng the baby we have been done since and have not talked in over 9 years

As for his job knowing about meds He don't have to say anything unless they do drug test and it comes up n his system and then he don't have to tell them all he has to do is have/show them the doctor's perscription for it.

hope this helps and that all is well

I think he may be bi polar I suggest he seek help with a medical professional if that doesnt work look into natural remedies like teas or natural herbs both can be given to him without his knowledge