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My ex has recently filed motions to gain custody of our daughter (keara, 8 months old). In his motions he is harsh and has lied in almost every sentence. the one that hit me the hardest, was trying to state that i don't supply the doctor with enough information pertaining to Keara's Health in order for the doctor to correctly diagnose Keara. I've gone to the doctor and showed them the part of the motions in whichhe claims one of the doctor's told him this, and they gave me a written statement stating that the would not and did not say such a thing. I have Keara's medical records which includes notes of everytime that either i called or he called, and notes from every visit.
My lawyer has also asked me to write a statement in regards to the past few months and i am giving her this. Everyword is true. I am reviewing it with her tomorrow, but i want to make sure i'm not hurting myself by saying certain things...
"I would like to be able to communicate with Jason the things he needs to know about our daughter’s health and habits, without him needing to call the doctor and verify my information. I have always provided him the truth about Keara’s health issues, yet have received no respect in regards to following my requests. For instance, in early March 2007, Jason and I both took Keara to the doctor for her 4 month visit. That week I was under the impression that she was teething, However when we went to the doctor, the doctor examined her mouth in front of both of us and told us she was not teething. For the next two months Jason continued to give her medicine if she was drooling excessively, or chewing on objects constantly. I repeatedly asked him to stop and twice took Keara to the Doctor to verify that she wasn’t teething and that no medicine was necessary. The doctor both times physically examined Keara and said no teeth were coming in. Yet Jason called in and only told the doctor about her habits, not that I was just in to have Keara examined. The doctor told Jason, based on the habits Jason had provided, that Keara may be teething. I took her back to the Doctor the following week and it was confirmed once again that she wasn’t cutting teeth. I had asked Jason to join us for all of these appointments, however he was always “too busy” to come with us. On one instance he even stated, that he had his “own doctor’s appointment” and that he “needs to take care of himself.”
At the same 4 month well baby check-up that Jason attended with us, the doctor told us it was ok to start Keara on solids, starting with only fruits and vegetables until she was 6 months old. When I asked if rice cereal was ok, he had advised that it was ok to give her cereal. A little later in the visit, when I brought up the issue of Keara’s constipation. He had then advised us of what foods to avoid, (bananas, rice, and applesauce). Despite this warning, Jason continued to feed Keara Rice Cereal up until May 2007.
There was a lack of communication between Jason and me, starting from January 19, 2007. Jason began taking Keara in his own home for his parenting time on January 11, 2007 from 8:00 am until 8:00 pm. When I dropped her off I would give him about a five minute speech of everything that was going on with her for the day, including what time she last ate and when the last diaper change was. He would take Keara out of the car seat, immediately hug her and kiss her and listen to everything I told him intently and respectfully. On January 18, 2007 we appeared before Hearing Officer Roland Gray, and I was awarded $203.00 per week in Child Support. On January 19th, 2007, I dropped Keara off at Jason’s house like had been done in the past week, and told him everything that he needed to know. When I confirmed the pick up time for 8:00 pm, he told me to come immediately after work, as he had other plans. I came after work to pick her up and Jason was playing video games while his mother and father were handling Keara, or Keara was left to entertain herself in her glider. I asked Jason when her last bottle was and diaper change, he reluctantly and defensively gave me short one word answers.
The following weeks commenced the same way. I would either find Jason not paying any attention to Keara or I would have to go to his parents’ house to pick her up as Jason had other plans.
In March 2007, Jason emailed me asking for me to start supplying him with formula, as things were tight for him financially and he couldn’t afford to get formula on his own. I agreed as I didn’t want Keara to go hungry while she was with Jason. Up until April 2007, I was supplying Jason with 10 - 15 diapers a day, a full wipes case (approx 25 wipes per case), and all of the medication she may have needed during the day. I would return home, after Keara spent 8-10 hours with Jason, with 1 or 2 diapers and no wipes. I started to notice the medicine going down quickly and was afraid that Jason may have been giving Keara medicine that wasn’t necessary. I started to keep a journal of everything I gave Jason and what I was given back. I was advised by another single mother, that I shouldn’t have to supply these items. So I gave Jason 3 weeks notice before I stopped. During those three weeks, Jason grew angry and bitter. The week that I stopped supplying the diapers, Jason had informed me that he called the courts and was told that I need to supply him with these items. I decided to research it myself, and called the 1-800-621-kids hotline and was advised that it was “more of a courtesy and not something the courts would enforce” I had suggested to Jason that if he wanted to adjust the support order to include his parenting time, then he could file the papers and pay the costs. He then decided that he no longer wanted to have to see me during the exchanges, he tried to get a 3rd party location started, which I finally agreed to his parents house. I would drop Keara off and text him after I left, so that he could then go and pick Keara up, following the same routine at night. This lasted only one week, as I had asked Jason to write down the things that she ate during the day, if she had a bowel movement, and how much formula she was having. The first day he stated she had 20 ounces of formula in an 8 hour period, plus the 8 oz I fed her prior to dropping her off that day. She had eaten twice as much as she normally ate for the babysitter, for the same amount of time. I raised my concern, stating that I wasn’t sure if she was receiving proper care when with the sitter and asked him to start writing down the time she ate and how much she ate in each sitting. The next day he didn’t provide me with any information. I texted him 3 times before receiving a phone call from him. He told me he was busy and text messages were expensive, he then told me he didn’t feel that the information was necessary to know, and hung up. I sent him an email telling him that as he was unable to communicate necessary details pertaining to Keara’s health, that I wasn’t comfortable dropping her off with him.
After receiving the initial letter from his lawyer in which I was told that I had to allow Jason to exercise his parenting time and if I didn’t comply then the motions would be filed and I’d be responsible for counsel fees, I tried to work with Jason, trying to get him to understand that it is better for Keara if we are able to communicate with each other face to face in a calm adult manner. I felt there was no reason for a 3rd party exchange, as there had been no violence, abuse or threats in our relationship. Also he always had a 3rd party person with him during the exchanges, what did it matter about the location? He then refused to see Keara at all until he got his way for a 3rd party exchange. I was forced on April 23, 2007, to bring the cops to his house, frightened that I’d have to pay so much money for him refusing to see her, and that he would try to turn it around on me, to make me look bad. I wanted the documented proof that he was refusing. I walked into his house with three officers and handed him Keara, giving him the information he needed to know about her for the day. He then turned to one of the cops and said “ can you please tell her” (pointing to me) “ that if she wants to pick her daughter up this afternoon, she can pick her up at the Police Station” I asked him if that would be at 4:30 as Keara had an appointment that afternoon, and he said yes.
Once the exchanges starting occurring at the police station, I started to work on making things better between the two of us. I had many times offered to allow him more time with Keara, yet he refused, stating he had other plans. I had congratulated him on his engagement, his fiancé said thank you, but Jason took offense to it. Our Infant Car seat was recalled for the handle being faulty (Evenflo Embrace). I was sent a kit to fix the problem, but decided to purchase another car seat that would grow with her. I showed Jason a description and picture of the car seat that I intended to get and asked him if it was ok with him, he stated he didn’t care. I then offered to give Jason the fixed car seat to save him some money, but he aggressively refused, stating he had a Stage 2 car seat at home already. The next week I dropped Keara off and was parked right next to his car. I noticed that he in fact didn’t have a car seat set up, and was afraid that he was going to try to blame this on me. Luckily his father had his car with him as well and was able to take Keara home in his Car Seat.
The following week, I asked him if it would be ok if I could take Keara for Memorial Day, as my sister was flying in from Denver and wanted to spend the day with the two of us. He left me a note stating that I could only have her if I let his mother have a day with her. I agreed that it was fair. That same day, Jason claims that I didn’t dress Keara warm enough for the day. She was wearing a short sleeve shirt and long pants, as the weather was supposed to go up to 80 degrees. When I picked her up she was wearing a velour sweatsuit with a onesie underneath. I took her home, she was very irritable and sweaty. Her body was bright red and her temp was above 100. It took me three hours to get her body temp down to normal. I took pictures of the clothes and logged each time I took her temp.
On June 5th, 2007, I had asked Jason if he wanted to take Keara for the morning on Father’s day. I had suggested that maybe he could take her out to breakfast with his parents. He declined, stating that he was too busy with work. (He works from 3pm -11pm) On June 11, 2007, I then tried to give his father the opportunity to have Keara in the morning as well, by emailing Jason’s mother. She stated she had plans with her father in the morning, but she and Jason’s father would love to stop by and visit with the two of us in the afternoon. I agreed and then asked my grandfather if he wanted to go out to breakfast with me and Keara for Father’s Day. We went to a diner in Philly called The Dinning Car. On June 15, 2007, Jason then sent me an email at work, asking if I could drop Keara off at his parents’ house at 10 and pick her up at 12. I told him that I had plans with my grandfather for that time, but if he wanted to come to my apartment with his parents in the afternoon, he was welcome to. On Father’s Day, I waited until 5 pm for his parents to come over, then took Keara to dinner with my parents.
I feel that there is a reconciliation in sight and we can get past whatever tension is between us to work together to raise Keara. We have been able to get past our anger before and it can be done again. After a very bad break-up in April 2006, Jason never called to find out how the pregnancy was going along. I would call him and tell him things after the doctor’s appointments. The conversations quickly turned into Jason begging me to give her up for adoption, that he didn’t deserve to have his life ruined by a child. In a later conversation he threatened to take Keara out of the hospital before I could and never let me see her again. He was very unstable and caused me a great deal of stress throughout the pregnancy. Despite this, when Keara was born, my mom called him and told him to come and see his daughter. He came to the hospital and like ever father before him, fell in love with her the moment he held her. When I took Keara home, he had come to visit us and asked me to forgive him for his previous actions. I stated, of course, Keara is here and she is loved that is all that matters. We agreed to be friends and work together to raise Keara. At one point Jason even hugged me and asked me if I still had feelings for him, to which I said no. For Christmas 2006, we all went to JCPenny’s and got our picture taken together. I wanted Keara to have the impression that despite the fact that we weren’t together, that we could still be a family.
From November 4, 2007 to January 10, 2007 Jason would visit every Thursday and Friday for 8-10 hours a day. I allowed him time alone with Keara as I got the housework done. For the majority of the 8-10 hours he was there, we were alone together, and we continued to be respectful to each other. Jason would also call anytime during the week that he wanted to see Keara and come over to be with her.
I have repeated this to Jason many times, and in one of his voicemails, after he had spoken to the doctor, he had stated that I was right that we had 18 more years to raise Keara, possibly longer if she goes to college. He is going to have to learn to be in the same room as me, and exchange our daughter like two adults. If I have a concern about Keara, then he needs to not take offense to it, as Keara’s mother I have a right to be concerned about her health. I refuse to ignore her health issues and allow him to continue to hurt Keara by giving her foods that make her constipation worse. If he needs to verify the things that I was told by the doctor, that is sad, but maybe necessary. I haven’t given him a reason, since the day she was born, to not trust me in regards to Keara’s health. I am very hurt that he feels that I would make up health issues and tell him to not do certain things. I love my daughter more than I have ever loved another person, and I can’t think of why anyone would intentionally hurt their child. Just because you are angry at the other parent, is no reason to take it out on the child.
I don’t feel comfortable dropping Keara off with Jason overnights for multiple reasons. For one, she is still so young and has begun to suffer from separation anxiety, taking her away from the person she depends on to be there when she has a nightmare, or when she wakes up in the middle of the night, can cause her more stress. In my apartment, she sleeps in her crib right next to my bed, so if there is ever a problem, I am right there for her. However Jason’s house has three bedrooms, the master bedroom, upstairs, and then 2 smaller bedrooms downstairs. He has the crib set up in the bedroom downstairs next to the same bedroom as his bi-polar brother. His brother has been known to be very violent and was kicked out of the house in January 2006, for violently attacking Jason. He has since been on medication and has been controlled, but has been known to continuously fall back into his old habits. I worry constantly about Jason having a gun in the house with his brother being so unstable.
Jason has been unable to provide for Keara while she is in his care, and I feel that he shouldn’t be dependent on me to provide him with things she’ll need. Also being that there has been a lack of communication on Jason’s part, and his in ability to follow doctor’s orders in regards to Keara’s health, causes me great concern. I never know what to expect when it comes to the forms he is supposed to fill out. Every day I look at them, after Jason has left, and I get frustrated because he isn’t following the feeding schedule I had requested he follow. I know that if I raise my concern with him, it will start an argument that I don’t want to have in front of Keara. On Tuesday June 26, 2007, Keara had a 6 oz bottle with me in the morning, which she finished just before I left the house at 7:40. Jason picked her up at 8:15, took her home and immediately gave her an 8 oz bottle. He had her until 5:00 pm that day and didn’t give her another bottle during this time. I provide Jason all the forms dated back to April 30, 2007. Therefore, Jason is well aware of how Keara is supposed to eat, but he works opposite of my schedule. Giving her a bottle instead of a meal, and a meal instead of a bottle. She should have 4 bottles a day 6-8 oz each, then 2 meals of solid food. I give her a fruit mixed with cereal in the mid- morning, then meat mixed with a vegetable, or a Gerber 2nd foods dinner entrée for dinner around 5:30pm.
Jason was only dating his fiancé for a few months, and has already rushed into a marriage, I fear that he is unstable in his decision making and is only acting in his own best interests. He is in the process of selling his house, with people coming in and out to look at it all the time. I don’t like the idea that there would be strangers in the house. Also, when someone wants to come in to look at the house, he will have to take Keara and go somewhere else. If she is napping, she shouldn’t have to be dragged everywhere, she should be able to sleep comfortably in one place."
Does this sound like a judge will take her away from me? I am not a bad parent. I don't drink, I don't smoke, and of course don't do drugs. I am stable in my job and in my residence. I wake up and my life revolves around Keara. I love her too much to have him take her away from me. But I can't do anything if the courts make me give her up.
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| Posted by Bethanne on 06/28/2007 12:55 PM
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hi bethanne,
I have just gone through just about the samething you are going through. My X and I sound a lot like you and Jason. In my case my x even took off with my son for five weeks and the cops would not do anything until we went to court. I did get full custody of my son and my x is only able to see our son every other weekend for 10 hours on Saturday and 10 hours on Sunday with no over night visits until he is three years old. So dont worry Jason is just doing a controlling thing like most men (boys) like to do. He does not seem like he really want too much to do with her any way, he just wants to make you unhappy. He wont get Keara so just relax and keep record of everything!!!! I even recorded him on my cell phone and played in to my lawer so you may want to try that. A juge will see right through Jason and if you have all of this documented there is no way he will be able to take Keara away form you. And since I am assuming you are not married unless he can prove you are unfit for Keara he cant take her anyway and until you go to court he has no rights to her until the juge gives him rights so you dont have to let him see her until the juge orders it.
Just keep in mind that this will pass and it does get better! |
| posted by Amy on 07/01/2007 01:44 AM
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I feel for you. My ex is doing the same thing with our 7 week old. He didn't see her for four weeks (his decision) and now want sher alone - which the judge has already said no to. I won't tell you not to worry. Until you know for sure you will worry. I'm terrified they might not see through him and he will get partial custody. But I have to hope that they will see through him. Just know that you are not the only one, small comfort that it is, we are not the first and we unfortunatly won't be the last. Just hope our daughters won't ever met men like their fathers.
As for your statement- I don't see anything there that could hurt you. He sounds like an ass though. |
| posted by Kate on 12/07/2007 04:17 PM
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| Honey...men are like this...STUPID!!! I called the cops the one day about issues with my son's father and they told me flat out that unless I have a record of drug use, possession and addiction a mother will NOT loose her custody. You have the opportunity to take her away from him a HELL of a lot easier than him taking Keara! I know this is impossible...but try to relax a little...you will not loose Keara...but make sure you get this in place so he doesn't do anything stupid! Good Luck! |
| posted by Elise on 01/13/2008 04:12 PM
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