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| Parents of Teens |
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| My 14 yo SD has a MySpace acct that she started on her friend's computer. We have Internet at our house, her mom does not (SD lives w/her Mom). When we found out she had a MySpace acct & was accessing it from our computer we blocked Internet from her Windows user acct. Now Internet access is only w/our permission through a password protected adult user acct. We realize we can't stop her from accessing her MySpace at anyone else's house & at 14 yo she doesn't need parental consent to open another if we make her close this one. So during a family meeting we discussed her MySpace use & she reluctantly gave us her password so we could monitor what was said or done. She has her settings on private but from what I've read and heard, NOTHING is private on Internet. What concerns me is some of the pics she's posted show her standing outside wearing pants & her bikini top. First reaction was that they're not appropriate. Then I thought "Well, she probebly walks around dressed like that in the trailer park where she lives so maybe they're not that bad". (I'm often accused of being a prude but still feel they're inappropriate for MySpace.) Also, it looks like she has the top of a Marlboro cigarette box sticking out of one of the pants pockets (she always tells us she hates smoking, thinks it's gross, would never smoke, etc. so I don't know why she would have a pack sticking out of her pocket). Should I talk to her about these pics? Some of the messages she & her friends write are full of foul language & can sometimes get mean. Should I talk to her about these as well? If she insists on having this MySpace I want to monitor it so she will be kept safe but I also don't want to be invasive. Any advice, comments, or opinions about this subject? |
| Posted by Cheryl on 06/27/2007 10:54 AM
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| How does her dad feel about them? If there is ever something that the kids are doing weather they are step or not you should always bring it up for discussion. I do with my 12 year old (going on 20) it make I feel for a better open relationship with her. We can talk about anything. |
| posted by on 06/27/2007 11:00 AM
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| Her Dad (or Mom) doesn't know yet, I just saw the pics this morning. I feel some of the pic comments from her "guy friends" are quite lude as well. At this time her Dad & I don't see eye to eye about her having MySpace. He doesn't see the harm in it, thinks it's just kids having innocent fun. He's just not educated in the dangers of online messaging & such. Where she doesn't live w/us he tries too hard to keep her happy at the expense of making the hard but neccessary (and unpopular) decisions parents have to make. So I get stuck being the heavy. |
| posted by Cheryl on 06/27/2007 11:29 AM
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My Son 14yrs.old. has a "My Space" account. Yes, alot of things do happen on "My Space", but he only lets his "immediate group" of friends in. I know his password, and we frequently visit it without him knowing to see what's going on. Mostly, stupid stuff-they are at that age. The girls on his site are also discreet. There is no "lovey dubby" crap between his "girl" friends. Thank God!!!!!
As for SD, she must feel insecure about herself if she is showing inappropriate pictures of herself. You are not a "prude". I would feel the same way and more. I would be outraged if my child is posing "slutty" and posting on the internet. Those pictures affect her mood, attitude, the way she looks at herself and you. The word "morals" is outdated and not heard of in her vocabulary.
As a parent, you can go into the MySpace account. Just, don't use your "real name". Make one up and the town you live in. Pose at her age level. Every parent does this. Also, when she finishes with the computer, go under "History" found on your Toolbar, and click into that. It will let you know all the places she has visited. Hope that helps. |
| posted by esther on 06/27/2007 12:45 PM
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Posting a picture of yourself on the Internet is very dangerous. With just a few clues about her hometown or school, a predator could find her easily by knowing what she looks like. (But you notice I post mine!)
If you type "Internet Safety" into your favorite search engine you will come up with dozens of good hits on sites that are geared toward one group or another - I know there is one for teen girls - but I can't remember the name of it right now.
I can sympathize with her need to reach out on the Internet and be doing what her friends are doing. This is only my opinion, based on my experiences - If these kids weren't using the foul language, inuendos, and such on MySpace, they would be doing it anyway when they gathered together away from the adults in their lives. So in one sense I think sites like MySpace are ok, given due caution. On the other hand, your kid is exposed to people they don't know who could be influencing them in a very bad way, or, godforbid, be a predator.
Tough call. I'd tell her you saw them and are worried about her safety, for sure. The rest of it, whether to tell her they are inappropriate or ask about smoking, you just kind of have to decide depending on how you think she will react. |
| posted by Kelly on 06/27/2007 01:27 PM
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| I wish I could say the same for my SD and her friends. There is a lot of sexual inuendo between them and her. Ex: one of the bikini top pic comments from a "guy friend" asks her "What size are those?" and another bikini top picture (where she is sticking her tongue out) comment from a "guy friend" tells her to "put that thing back in your mouth. Save it for later". Not what I would call discreet or appropriate! Am I all wrong about this? I do agree she is very insecure and looking for attention any way she can get it. Which scares me to death. In her, I see a lot of myself at her age. The insecurity, the need for attention, any attention, good or bad, especially from guys. When I was growing up I had mostly "guy friends", only had one close girlfriend. I was a tomboy, not a girly girl. When I got to be 15-16 yo I started riding around in cars and hanging out w/my guy friends. I thought it was okay to wear the bikini tops and short shorts. Afterall, we were just friends, right! Well, we started partying at the beach or at a friend's house whose parents let us drink and guess what? I ended up sexually molested, sexually assaulted, and raped on more than one occasion by my so-called "guy friends". My parents never knew a thing. To this day this has effected my life and no one, not even my husband knows. I believe this is where my protectiveness for SD is coming from. I see her heading down the same path but I can't seem to get her or her parents to see it. I have tried several times to tell her about what happened to me but I freeze and clam up everytime. Even if I was able to talk to her I really don't know how much would sink in. Teens think they are invincible and nothing bad could ever happen to them. |
| posted by Cheryl on 06/27/2007 01:37 PM
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| I want to ask her about the people on her friends list. Most of them are friends from school or her neighborhood but some of them look and have a posted age that is much older (I'm talking 20-35yo). I don't know most of the people in her circle from her mother's side so these could be family friends/relatives or they might be strangers. I think I do need to talk to her Dad about all this and maybe I should talk to her Mom as well. I have a good speaking relationship w/Mom but we don't always agree, I tend to be more strict and "prudish. |
| posted by Cheryl on 06/27/2007 01:57 PM
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| I talked to SD's Dad about why I'm concerned about her Internet safety. Before he saw the pics he was upset w/me and this subject. (He sometimes takes my concern for his daughter as me "trying to make her miserable" or he'll ask me if I have something against her because I think some of the things she says or wants to do are not appropriate for her age.) Then I showed him the pics & some of the comments made about them from her guy friends. I asked him what kind of message he thought she was sending to people. If she just wanted to post pics of herself, why the bikini top? Why not a t-shirt? I think I got through to him & he is starting to understand where I'm coming from on this. We don't know how we are going to deal with this yet but I feel in my gut we shouldn't just let it be. |
| posted by Cheryl on 06/28/2007 08:04 AM
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I think you have done a good job so far Of handeling this situation.
Have you spoke to her privately about boys and hormones?
Do you have any personal experiences you can tell her about?
As far as you and her dad, I wouldn't push him too much as this is probably a harsh reality for him to accept.Try not push the issue to the point everyone stops listening to you.
Here a great book:
Our Last Best Shot: Guiding our Children Through Early Adolescence
by Laura Sessions Stepp |
| posted by Whitney on 06/28/2007 08:44 AM
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| Thank you, Whitney, for your support. As I wrote in a previous posting, I do have some very bad personal experiences I can share w/her, just have to summon up the courage & strenght to do it. I know I can, I have to for her! As for talking about boys, I've had THE TALK with her (as has her Mom) & whenever the subject comes up she always says she's not going to have sex, like some of her friends are. I know teens are going to tell their parents that whether it's true or not. I'm trying to back off and trust her judgement/choices however things have happened that have made me cautious, lying about phone calls made/ whether or not she's used my computer for MySpace (not allowed)/ not telling me the name of a "friend" when asked. Things of that nature. When I try to talk to her Dad about these things he says I need to loosen up, she's just being a teenager. Where does one draw the line between "normal" teen behavior & behavior that could get her in trouble? Just because she's a teen does that mean I have to write all her behavior off as just part of growing up? |
| posted by Cheryl on 06/28/2007 09:23 AM
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This is an issue that parents face from toddler-hood on up. Every stage has it's characteristic undesirable behaviors: a toddler that bites, a two-year-old that tantrums........the teen that experiments with life and tries to hide things from her parents. Our job as parents is to help these children understand what acceptable behavior is and be able to do the acceptable behavior in a situation that would normally elicit the unacceptable behavior. It's call "socialization" (which is whole other ball of wax on the other group I moderate, Homeschooling Parents).
You are right that a line needs to be drawn somewhere, and you and your husband (at least) are going to have to agree on it. The mother probably won't.
Each family draws different lines. My parents allowed me to stay out as late as I wanted, starting at sixteen, as long as I didn't wake them up when I came in. My boyfriend's parents wanted him home by 10pm on school nights and 11pm on weekends. One line I've already drawn: no dating before age 16.
Yes, a line needs to be drawn. You and dad have to look at your combined set of morals and values, and your concern about safety. THEN you have to factor in what you can control and what you can't.
It is ok to have different rules/expectations for her at your home. If hubby says you are trying to make her unhappy, you can respond with, "No, I know she can do better and I'm giving her guidance to do so."
I am very happy with our family situation: out in the country, homeschool, very limited number of friends to play freely with, other contact with kids is under supervision like Girl Scouts or wrestling practice/matches. My kids are rarely away from me, my husband, or my friend and her husband, to be able to get into trouble. I've been criticized for being overly controlling and told they can't socialize properly. BUT from my point of view, I'm protecting my kids (esp Rachel) from undesirable influences until she develops enough backbone not to bend to the temptations of snotty attitudes. I'm protecting Daniel from acts of volence at school. And my kids have shown much better socialization skills since they became homeschooled - so that addresses the socialization question.
My method won't work for everyone, for various reasons. There are other ways that other families use to pass along their values and protect their children.
It sound like you and hubby need to have a conversation about getting on the same page regarding your SD, and identify what is important and what is not. Then you can decide how to address with your SD and deal with it on an ongoing basis. |
| posted by Kelly on 06/28/2007 10:06 AM
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| What is the definition of "dating"? Is it going somewhere with boy/girlfriend w/o adult supervision or is it having the title of boy/girlfriend (we used to call it going out or going steady). Is having boy/girlfriend come to your house to visit considered dating (w/adult present, of course)? I think dating is when boy/girlfriend goes to the movies, out to eat, concert, etc. alone (or w/friends) w/o an adult. My SD has a boyfriend, 14yo, whom I've met briefly. He has been to her mother's house and vice-versa for visits. I don't think her mom has let them actually go anywhere unsupervised. SD already knows I don't think she should be in a boy/girlfriend relationship at her age, let alone go anywhere or spend time alone. She knows if he comes to our house her bedroom is off limits & I keep a close eye on where their hands are at all times! (She likes to tickle and smack him-can't keep her hands to herself.) I'm not too keen on him coming over our house (still think their both too young) but her Dad seems to be okay w/it so I guess I'll have to be as well. |
| posted by Cheryl on 06/28/2007 10:46 AM
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Either you or your husband needs to step up to the plate for the sake of your SD.
Your husband rather turn the other cheek, should come forward and deal with his promiscuous daughter. Her mother is not so much concerned either, from what I read.
This girl sounds like she has been given too much Freedom. Too much Freedom gets her in trouble, or trouble by association. It's not totally her fault. All of you have given her the green light.
Your SD sounds like she has low self esteem. Wants to be loved by a someone who cares. Boys at this age don't care.
How much "daddy/Father time" does he spend with his daughter? How much time did he spend with her prior to their divorce? This girl needs time with her daddy. Her father needs to spend time with her. If he doesn't, he needs to start doing it.
I hug, and tell my son that I love him everyday. I also do it in front of his friends. I am a strong believer in knowing my children's friends, and their parents, aside from where they live. |
| posted by esther on 06/28/2007 12:20 PM
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I think of "dating" as going somewhere with a member of the opposite sex that you are romantically interested in without supervision. I think of dating as the time period that you use to get to know someone and see if they are marriage material.
My daughter (11) talks about "going out" all the time, which in fifth grade means you and the other person agree to "go out." The privileges consist of being able to refer to your boyfriend/girlfriend, being able to tell others you are "going out" with someone, and the big drama of "breaking up." They certainly don't arrange formal dates, and if they go somewhere with their "love of the week" is a group situation. All the kids in the group going bowling, or to one kid's house. |
| posted by Kelly on 06/28/2007 12:24 PM
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| Kellie, I agree SD is being given too much freedom with some things by her mom, and to some extent, by her dad. However, as her step-mom, my hands are often tied when it comes to her and how she is raised. So, while I can give my opinions & make decisions concerning her, the final say is usually given by either her mom or dad. Ex: SD always complains we don't do much as a family. Little brother had a baseball game across the street from our house. I thought it was a perfect way to spend time together w/o costing money. SD didn't want to go but I told her we are doing something as a family & she had no choice. She did go but had a tantrum & sulked by herself away from me & her dad. Dad got mad at me, thinking I just wanted to make SD (and in turn, him) miserable. He doesn't like her being mad at him, so what's he do? He lets her go home, alone. If SD gets mad cause I told her she can't do something she will go to him & ask why she can't do it. Instead of presenting a united front to her (& then discussing his difference of opinion w/me privately) he tells her "I don't have a problem with it but Cheryl said no so I guess you can't". This type of thing happens more than I care to admit. What can I do? Not much I guess. |
| posted by Cheryl on 06/28/2007 01:08 PM
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I was a step mom to my husband's kids when we had them. There were rules when they were with their mother and rules at our house.
How often is your SD in your home? length of time? a week, a month? She probably is the habit of getting her way. By making her go to the baseball game gave her "no choice" and "lose of control".
From what I have gathered, dad looks like he wants to be the "good guy" not the bad one. He gives in to her every whim and whine. What type of upbringing did he have as a child? Were his parents around, did they give him freedom, religion, divorce?
Dad is giving mixed signals to both you and her. He gets mad at you for insinuating that you are making her "miserable", then tells her to walk home. He would rather be their "friend" rather than their "father, the disciplinarian".
"I don't have a problem with it, but Cheryl said 'no' so I guess you can't"-again, he can not continue this type of dialogue and feel that it sits well with you and her. It just makes her more upset, with little regard for you.
Dad needs to play a very important part in raising his daughter. She needs to be loved, and told that he cares about her and that he wants her to grow and become a beautiful woman with goals and aspirations. If your SD is asking for "family time", do more things with her-bowling, hiking, park & picnic, camping. Do exciting things that don't cost much.Helping with dinner, baking, cooking, music, etc. Just try working with her.
As for "Dad", he is the MAJOR problem in that household.
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| posted by esther on 06/28/2007 03:26 PM
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Dad is being a problem by undermining what you try to say and do with SD.
Have you ever thought about telling him that since he doesn't agree with what you want to do with SD, maybe he should make all the decisions and take on ALL the responsibility?
This may mean you, and any kids you have, spending some time away from dad and SD - perhaps, going to visit relatives or getting involved in a volunteer project.
Dad wants to have it both ways: you be the disciplinarian, yet not willing to uphold what you say.
You can tell him that you're tired of it, and done with it. Since she's his daughter, he can be responsible for her.
One note: If she does things in your home that are harmful to or a bad role model for your younger children, tell Dad you WILL ship her back to Mom's if he doesn't do something. |
| posted by Kelly on 06/28/2007 03:58 PM
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We had a family meeting with her last night. Mom was included as well. I was pleasantly suprised to find out she is actually on the same page as us. Mom agrees she has given SD too much freedom & is willing to work with us as a parental team. She actually said she is one of SD's parents, not one of her friends. She is fed up w/SD's attitude, disrespect & disregard for authority. We all feel it went very well with Mom, Dad, SD, & myself being able to discuss areas of concern w/o any yelling, accusations, blaming & such. I think SD really listened & understood where we were coming from. We talked about her MySpace & agreed that she will be allowed to use it, w/some restrictions. First: She & I are going to re-do her page so there will be no info that could clue someone in on her sex, age, school, address, etc.. all info will be strictly generic. We will research Internet safety & write up an Internet use protocol contract. Second: She will be allowed 1 hr./day to message her friends. Time which she will have to earn by helping out, with good behavior, etc.. We will discuss exactly what needs to be done to earn time, writing a contract which will be signed by all of us, so there will be no misunderstanding/grey areas. Third: She will allow us to monitor it as often as we want. Anything thought to be threatening, sexual, or a risk to her will be immediately discussed by all parents, then with her if necessary. Fourth: All inappropiate pics will be deleted & new acceptable ones posted (we are borrowing a digital camera this wkend & going shutter crazy). No pics will be allowed w/o parents approval. Fifth: No mean, hateful, offensive, threatening, etc. messaging. Anyone doing that will be warned then blocked from her friends list. Cyberbullying will be reported. No one will be accepted into her friends list w/o parental permission. Sixth: Parents agree not to interfere w/her messaging unless it is deemed necessary for her safety & well being. Seventh: MySpace contract will be binding & any change requests/revisions will be discussed at family meetings. Breeching w/result in loss of privilege & grounding from friends who have computers.
As for Dad & his undermining my authority in our home, we will be discussing that tonight. I'm insisting any issues that come up with her will be discussed privately between the two of us, a joint decision made, & followed through as a united front. No more making me the heavy while he tries to be her friend. I will not allow it. I've already told him if this continues I will wash my hands of any decision making or responsibility concerning his daughter & if she behaves in a way that is harmful or a bad role model for our younger son then he will have to bring her back to her Mom. I'm insisting he spend more one-on-one time with her & that we do more family activities.
All in all, I'm confident we can all work together to help our children develop & grow into happy, healthy adults. Thank you to all that have given me advice, stories, & insight. Most of all thank you for helping me to finally grow a backbone!! |
| posted by Cheryl on 06/29/2007 07:34 AM
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I am SO glad her mom was willing to work with you guys - you know how lucky you are, don't you?
Those guidelines for MySpace are wonderful. I wonder if I might have your permission to post them on my personal website: www.kellylee.info. I can cite it with everything from your whole name and location to "a fellow member of raisingthem.com".
I'll bet, even though she wouldn't admit it, that she feels some relief that she's not going to have to deal with this stuff by herself anymore.
This is terrific and I'm just really jazzed for you! |
| posted by Kelly on 06/29/2007 11:14 AM
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| Cheyl, I am Elated! I am so proud of you. You expressed yourself with conviction and in the end you prevailed. Congratulations. Stick with the plan, and don't let him derail you. Glad to hear about family time, dad spending time with her, and all parents working to become more involved in her life. Dad working with you instead of against you is a Major plus. I am so ever happy you mustard up the courage to face the music, and a compose a new sheet in which everyone will be learning their part. |
| posted by esther on 06/29/2007 11:51 AM
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Anyone who wants to use my MySpace guidelines has my permission to do so. Also welcome are any other guideline suggestions/ideas.
SD is staying w/us for a few days & this morning she & I re-did her MySpace. I told her I didn't want an identifying pic of her on her welcome page so it was deleted & replaced w/one of our dog. Her IM address (necessary to have for MySpace) & sign on name were changed to ones more appropriate & generic. All identifying & personal info on her welcome page was changed/deleted. Inappropriate pics were removed & new ones added (approved by me of course!). MySpace has settings where you can let everyone view your pics or only the people on your friends list. She is allowed to post generic pics (such as pets or vacation fun) for everyone to see. Pics of friends/family or ones where a person/place/thing could be used to identify her must be posted in her "friends only" album. We went through her friends list & deleted anyone she didn't know or I didn't approve of (one of which was a 34yo male friend of a friend). After lunch we will be sitting down together, going over online safety, & writing up an online/MySpace contract (which will be permanently posted directly above the monitor). Then we are moving the computer & desk into the living room where all online use by both children can be easily watched. And guess what?! She asked me if she could go on MySpace later to talk to her friends. I asked her if she had done anything yet to earn her time, of course her answer was "No". So she went right away & folded/put away laundry & even made me lunch! I'm very proud of the effort she is starting to make at becoming an enjoyable member of our family! |
| posted by Cheryl on 06/29/2007 02:27 PM
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| Cheryl - I am so proud of you first for getting the backbone to stand up for what you believe that is right for your SD and letting all parents know that there is a concern that needs to be addressed. I also am very proud of your SD it takes a matureity to understand that it is not that all the parents are against her, that All Parents are looking out for her safety and what is best for her. Making a contract is the best idea. There is no forgeting, "i didn't know's" for anyone. Congradulations. |
| posted by on 06/29/2007 02:48 PM
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| I agree that your SD is being very mature about this. That's icing on the cake to all the parents getting together to agree. I wonder if she has any idea how blessed she is to have a step-mom who cares so much? |
| posted by Kelly on 06/29/2007 04:55 PM
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I'M SO PROUD OF MY SD!!! She was w/us this wkend & what a change! Since we re-vamped her MySpace, talked in depth about Internet safety & came up w/a chart for earning computer/phone time, things have been much better. No slamming door, no yelling & screaming, no attitude, & she even got along w/her little brother all wkend. To earn her MySpace time she 1) did all the dishes, 2) folded & put away all the laundry, 3) made me lunch, and 4) made all of us supper (all done w/o complaining!) On Saturday we did a family activity: we played mini-golf at a driving range a couple miles from our house. We had a good time & it was cheap: we all played one 18 hole round for under $15. Several times I let SD know how happy & proud of her I was. I'm sure that w/perseverance we can make most of our time with SD enjoyable.
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| posted by Cheryl on 07/01/2007 01:49 PM
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| I like the way you allocated her time. That's all she needs: guidance, being a part of the family, and her actions count. I was relieved when my son began to co-operate. Sometimes he retrogresses, but that, is part of the course. Stay on her, tell you love her, and you are on your road to a happy and healthy household. |
| posted by esther on 07/01/2007 02:24 PM
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Wow! That's great Cheryl! I'm really happy for all of you!
(Could you send your SD to my house next? Maybe she could show my kids what working with a good attitude looks like!) |
| posted by Kelly on 07/01/2007 02:25 PM
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