 |
|
|
|
| First Time Moms |
| Public online group |
|
|
| |
|
|
I could use some coaching on the best way to bring up a daughter in a household where the father doesn't behave properly. I'm talking about social behavior that my daughter will learn in school is not acceptable behavior, not to mention having to grow up in a household with such behavior.
Anyone have proffessional advice for me. I've had enough therapy to know this requires more therapy, I'm just not in a position to incure the costs. |
| Posted by Dayna on 06/26/2007 07:45 PM
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| Just trying to figure out what "social behavior you are talking about? I am not a psychologist but anyone wanting to give advice probably needs more info. |
| posted by Heidi on 06/26/2007 11:21 PM
|
|
|
|
|
Hi Heidi,
I suppose I understand, that is why I was searching for someone with a psychology background.
I have a 5 month old daughter and am worried that she will have a bad example growing up that I will find very hard to explain or excuse. As she grows older, she will learn in school that such behavior is not acceptable. But she will see that dad does it. Further more, she will be exposed to this behavior that will end up affecting her in her adult relationships with men and her overall interaction in society, and will access such behavior as what she grew up with. This is where the psychology needs to come into play.
The social behaviors I am referring from Dad are as follows:
Screaming at people in the parking lot of a grocery store that are driving too fast, shouting "You dick"
Cusing around the house for no "real" reason (the phone has rang twice in the past hour), or an ice cube has fallen on the floor, or milk spilled (all these things are the "small stuff" and accidents happen)
Road Rage - speeding up and racing people in fast cars with me and the baby in the car, shouting out the window and cusing at the drivers (we drive in a mini-van and he's 58 years old, so not age appropriate in my book).
Not paying attention to family events or answering the phone when family calls, or being on time for family functions and instead playing on the computer saying he's "busy". His "busy" is really just internet surfing. (Background - he's a techie nerd and and IT geek for a living). But still, nothing he does on the computer is more important that family in my book, especially if it doesn't have anything to do with work.
Well those are the biggest issues, there's more, but those are definately the ones that rise to the top that I have a hard time finding the words explaining to a little girl, not to mention they are not fun for mom to experience. I'm usually mortified at the non-age appropriatness of these actions.
Help anyone on advice, other than go to therapy, thus why I have requested psychology input. |
| posted by Dayna on 06/27/2007 12:05 AM
|
|
|
|
|
I am not a psychologist, but I am going through a lot of the same things right now and am seeing one because of this. The similarities are scary. My husband is an IT guy, too. He also has innappropriate responses to minor issues. He uses video games to decompress and take his anger out. So, unless it is actively interfering with something important I just let him play.
When a person has a "large" response to a "little" issue the anger is about something else. And, remember, that anger is always a secondary emotion. It stems from fear or hurt. It seems that your husband may be the one who actually needs therapy. Mine is finally going after realizing the effects it will have on our child. You can be the good role model for your daughter and explain that some adults choose to act that way, but it is not appropriate for her to behave in that manner.
Hope this helps.
|
| posted by Dawn on 06/27/2007 08:42 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Hi Dayna,
I agree with Dawn, I think he needs to seek some therapy too. But he may not see the wrong in his actions, and therefore will fight going to therapy. Have you tried telling him that his actions are going to have an adverse effect on your daughters growing up, and that she is going to learn these behaviors too? |
| posted by Amanda on 06/27/2007 10:29 AM
|
|
|
|
|
My husband wasn't really into therapy at first. After seeing the effects on our dog when he would swear (she would climb up on top of my head) he gave it some thought. Then, one day he raised his voice at me and the baby started screaming. He left the house for awhile and when he came back the baby refused to go to him and would scream anytime he tried to hold him.
I have also told my husband that I felt like I was living in a hostile environment and I couldn't go on like that. I have to be careful when talking to him about emotionally charged issues because he doesn't have the coping mechanism to remain calm. So- I calmly say things to him in the following manner:
I feel.......when you..... If you stick to your actual feelings it won't escalate into a screaming match. It takes two people to fight. Also, my husband and I have a "3-day rule". This means that I calmly tell him what is bothering me and he will come back and calmly talk with me after 3 days. This gives him time to think about it and get over the emotional reaction he would have. Men need time to think about things and "go into their cave" for a little while. For a lot of women this is confusing because we are more connected to our feelings and talk about things to make the situation better.
Best wishes.
Ultimately the only person you can change is yourself- so work on being the best person you can be. Hopefully your husband will come around. |
| posted by Dawn on 06/27/2007 11:22 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Hi Girls,
Thanks so much. Amanda, I'm sorry you are in the same boat. Thanks for your words. Can we speak of this more?
I know it's not about me, it's about what's happening inside of him as a result of something that happened to him years ago and thus has conditioned him since to act in a certain manner when these trigger situations come up. I understand this needs therapy to unravel (this is years of therapy). You speak of hurt or fear, can you elaborate on this and how it comes out in these actions? I could try and piece together my knowledge of his past to make some sense of this. When I can I will go to therapy to improve on how to better respond to this and how to do this with my growing daughter. Right now she's very young but I still don't feel comfortable with it and I think they feel the energy they don't even know. So could you share more? I've had a lot of therapy and studied with a therapist for two years to improve myself, so I know a little to be dangerous, so I may be able to help us both. Please share if you feel comfortable. |
| posted by Dayna on 06/27/2007 11:27 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Sorry Amanda, I meant Dawn.
Dawn, can you elaborate on the secondary emotion resulting from fear or hurt. Can you give me an example of how this could be manifested into one of his actions I gave above as an example. I'm trying to piece some of this together. If I can find the root of his behavior I might be able to understand it better and speak to him on that and perhaps it will open something up so that he may consider therapy.
Other than he being a bad example, what type of adverse effect may my daughter experience? Amanda I think you touched upon this. And, when you say the child will learn this behavior, are you referring that she will act like this, because daddy does, so it must be ok? |
| posted by Dayna on 06/27/2007 11:37 AM
|
|
|
|
|
Ok Dawn, our husbands are of the same model. He also raises his voice. It's almost like if he's not shouting, nobody will listen to him. I'm always so nice, never a reason to raise a voice at me, or anyone. I guess he hasn't figured it out if one raises their voice, people turn off. He's rude to people on the phone and has little patience. I tell him he'll get no where with what he wants if he's rude. Be nice and you get what you want. So now I make the calls to our utilities or the our insurance companies. These, to me, are just common social interactions required to survive in society. But, he's here and he's my daughter's father, so I must at the very least help a situation before hard decisions need to be made.
I like your 3 day rule, where did that come from? Does he really get back to you in that time? My husband would never get back to me. I ask him things and he never responds., same with asking him to do things around the house, they sit for months, sometimes I think it's just because I'm asking him to do it. But this may be another subject that has to do with depression. I"m more concerned about the emotional side.
I too, speak calmly to him. I do know the "I feel" this way approach. That's hard to do, but it's it takes the offensive stance away. I'm not sure that works too much either for me. I express myself and he says nothing and ask am I done yet ragging on him. I explain I'm sharing my feelings with him, I'm not nagging. He gives me no response and goes along with what he was doing, like it made no register with him. He never says sorry either for raising his voice. However, he does admit at time, only jokingl that he realizes hes a grump. I nicely agree and say, yes, but we're trying to work on that right? So please do share more, what you say is very helpful, definately food for thought. |
| posted by Dayna on 06/27/2007 11:48 AM
|
|
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
|
| |  |
| |
|
|
|
