i wrote this and am planning on emailing it to many places in search of help, like oprah, dr phil, radio stations, tv shows, ect.  i am not sure if i am wasting my time or if anyone out there had any suggestions for me.  i am so desperate, and thanks for reading all the way through.

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My weight problem began when I was around 10 years old. I began to develop, much earlier than my peers. I remember going to the store with my mom to buy bras. I didn’t know any other ten year old doing that. By the time I was eleven, I had started my period, again something I didn’t know of any other kid my age having. The only good thing that came out of it was a few days off from school.

I was not like the other girls my age. I was bigger, I had breasts, and now my period every month. I couldn’t wear the same types of clothes the other girls wore, and I so desperately wanted to. Style back then wasn’t a big deal to me, but what was a big deal was not being able to ride my cousins power wheels car because I was over the weight limit. What was a big deal was swimming with my cousins and being called a beached whale when I pretty much rolled out of the pool, instead of being able to hoist myself up like the others. I felt fat, ugly, and disgusting.

i have been called fat-ass, pig, chunky, two-ton, i have been told to 'go eat something'.  it hurts so bad and i am so tired of it.

Because of this, I wasn’t very active. My parents tried to put me in ballet again, but I didn’t have the motivation. I didn’t want to be the only girl in a room full of budding ballerinas who was chunky. Gymnastics was fun, until I got hurt and my parents felt it was due to the neglect of the staff. I tried softball next, not sure why I stopped after a couple of years.

I would have a large first helping, then go back for seconds. At night I would sneak food into my room, sometimes hiding a sandwich under my shirt until I got to my room, where I would suck it down under my blankets. When making lunch for school I would eat as I made my lunch. I ate with every emotion I had, and it’s been my enemy forever.

Because my parents thought of fast food as being bad for kids, once I had a job and a car, I felt I had total freedom. If I wanted a burger I simply got one. Or two. By the time I had my car 2 weeks, I had eaten at every fast food place at least once, to satisfy my craving. I felt I had finally gotten control over what I ate and when, even though I was sneaking it. This, of course, led to a massive weight gain, but being I was already heavy I hardly noticed, unless pictures were taken or clothes tried on. But even when the truth was right in front of me, I didn’t put in much effort to change the fact I was overweight.

I never felt as if I belonged anywhere. I felt like a beast compared to my cousins and sisters. I didn’t have many friends. The girls I wanted to hang out with were so much prettier and smaller than me. I didn’t fit in. I didn’t even try.

There was a time when I was having severe stomach pains. I had thought it was appendicitis, but what the doctors found was fat in my liver. I was honest about my diet, and he said I needed to lose weight to reverse the problem.

In 2003 I moved back in with my parents. I weighed in at 240 pounds, my heaviest yet. I was over my ex and determined to find love again, but I knew I looked horrible. My friend and I dumped our fast-food eating and began to walk every night. In a few months, by the time I began dating Jason, I was down to 205 pounds. I felt great; I had a new body that was just going to get better, a great job, car, freedom. I was in the prime of my life.

When Jason and I moved in together, I became comfortable with him and began to recess back to my poor eating habits. I ate large amounts of applesauce with every meal, I had seconds and thirds, and I ate at all hours. I could feel myself ballooning again, but once I became pregnant I figured some weight gain was okay and I used that as my excuse to over eat and be big. And when I miscarried, I used THAT as an excuse. Six months later I became pregnant again with Melonie, and once again didn’t think about how big I was getting.

I had developed Toxemia. I had everything against me; being over weight, it being hereditary, I smoked and was under so much stress. When I was 32 weeks along I weighed 250 pounds and my blood pressure was through the roof. A week after delivering my daughter, I lost 20 pounds of water weight.

My daughter was born 8 weeks premature. She weighed 3 pounds. Since being born she has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, microcephaly, has speech delays, sensory problems, and a “lazy eye’. she has speech therapy twice a week and occupational therapy once a week for now, but will soon have it twice a week. She has behavioral therapy twice a month. I have no job and no health insurance, I haven’t had it for years. I know my BMI is like 45 or 50. I am in danger of many more health issue, along with the ones I already have.

As of now, I am extremely unhealthy. I smoke a pack a day, so I can hardly breathe. I snore very badly at night. When I run, I get winded to the point where my chest, shoulders, and back hurts so bad I cant move. A few months ago, I injured my foot. Now, because of walking funny to avoid constant pain, I have injured my knee. It is swollen and gives out constantly. I cannot apply pressure to my right foot without extreme pain. My back hurts, I have headaches everyday. I have muscle spasms in my side just from reaching behind to clean myself after using the restroom. I cannot reach behind myself good enough to clean in the shower, so I have to use a detachable shower hose. When I sit for long periods of time I can barely walk from the numbness and pains in my feet and legs.

I have tried diets, none of them worked for very long. I have belonged to gyms, but would stop going. Any kind of exercise program I tried, I failed and gained the weight back, and more. I am at a point in my life where I cannot take the pain, both physical and emotional, of being fat.

My daughter needs me to stay alive and take care of her. Even if she didn’t have her disabilities, she would still need me, but I feel that because of them she needs me to be around that much more. While I force myself to run and play with her, it is always with pain and discomfort.

I do not have the desire for sex. Once in a while I will, but if it doesn’t happen I could care less. This I’m sure is because of feeling very unattractive and tired all the time. I a always in a bad mood, I feel my life has no meaning, and that I am worthless. I know that once I lose the weight, I will gain happiness, comfort, and confidence. But I need help. I am really afraid that if I don’t get some sort of help, I will die soon. I cannot go on living this way. I am a walking time bomb.

There is a number of options for me. One is lipo-suction. Another is bariatric surgery. Something, anything, to help jumpstart my weight loss. I really feel that if given either of these 2 opportunities, I will gain the strength and willpower to continue my journey to lose weight and be healthy and happy. I need a push. Another option is a home gym and treadmill. This way I can do my exercises everyday after my daughter is in bed for the night and while she naps a couple hours a day. By doing that, and dieting, I can lose the weight in a healthy way. I don’t know if you can help me, but please, please find it in your heart to do what you can to help me. I am so desperate at this point.

My daughter needs me. And I need her. I need to feel human, I need to feel beautiful, and most of all, I need to feel alive.

Sincerely,

Erin Marie Kouris

Im gonna say these these things and they might sound a little insensitive.  But Im a fat girl so if I can do it, anyone can!

Ok.  Well it sounds like a pretty sad story...  But I dont think you need a hand out in order to get yourself healthier.  Put your kid in a stroller and walk around the block.  Pop in an exercise tape from Walmart and get in a workout at naptime.  Throw in a CD and dance around your house while you are cleaning.  Having a treadmill and a home gym will not motivate you to workout if you cant motivate yourself.  They arent going to follow you around the house and tell you to "get out of the fridge" or "get off your ass and walk on me"!  You have to motivate yourself.

And I think weight loss surgery is crap.  It might work short term.  It might help you drop a little weight initially, but it isnt going to change your eating habits.  If you eat crap now, over eat, binge on garbage processed foods, chug soda, smoke, etc.  It wont matter that you had surgery.  Your will figure out how to get the crap you want and eat regardless of the surgery.  I know several people that had the surgery and didnt change their eating habits.  And they lost some and eventually gained back more. 

If you think you can change your eating habits to accomodate the surgery, then do it now.  Do it before the surgery.  Pretend you had it and eat accordingly.  I dont mean to eat 50cc's of food at a time.  I mean check out what kinds of foods you will be allowed to eat post surgery, and try to stick to those things now.  No carbonated drinks.  No chocolate.  No caffine.  No sugar or sugary foods like cakes, cookies, ice cream.  No bread.  No deep fried food like chicken and french fries.  No fast food. No high fat food like pizza, bacon, breakfast sausage.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/weight-loss-surgery/weight-loss-surgery-diet.aspx

If you can do it without the surgery, then you dont need the surgery!  Just eat better.  Eat what you want in moderation.  You dont need the whole cake, just have a slice.  You dont need the bucket of chicken, just have one piece.  Dont starve yourself.  Eat to live, dont live to eat.  Keep busy.  Turn off the TV.  Go for a walk in the am before your daughter wakes up.  Go to the mall and window shop, quickly!  Exercise is easy to fit in if you dont think of it as exercise! 

Good luck with your letter... But I'm doing it on my own.  Im down 50lbs since June.  I just eat better and make time to workout.  Decide that you are worth it and make the change today.  Its a decision I have to make every morning.  Every meal.  Do i deserve to look and feel better then this? YES I DO!  Do I want to be thin more then I want that second taco? YES I DO!  Do i want to wear a size 4 pants more then I hate my the gym? YES I DO!  So I make the right choices.  Good luck.  If you need someone to give you a push every now and then, give me a hollar.  I have a yahoo IM.  I'll give it to ya straight! LoL! No candy coating here :)

Your story is definitely a sad one, and Im sure someone might be compelled to help you. Im sure it can be hard to work out when your foot or knee hurts, but Im sure there are some things you can still do. I dont want to sound insensitive, but I believe you have to make change. I do know someone who got the bariatric surgery and she had a lot of complications for a couple of months afterwards b/c she wasnt eating the right things and it was making her sick. She was throwing up blood and everything, and wasnt able to take care of her kids. She went back to the hospital several times. I dont know if all of her complications were due to her poor eating, but Im sure it didnt help. She lost A LOT of weight..but I must say she has started to gain some of it back.

It seems to me that you are really desperate for help, and you just want someone to make you skinny. Im sorry I couldnt be of more help. I am currently at my largest weight ever ..due to poor eating habits and no exercise. I have made a personal weight loss goal and I am eating better. That doesnt mean I deprive myself of foods I like. I just eat them MUCH less than I used to. It is easier for me b/c I work and I bring Lean Cuisines and Healthy Choice meals and things like that for lunch, or I go down to subway INSTEAD of Tacobell KFC or Pizza Hut Which are right next to subway.. it is a will power thing. You have to MAKE yourself change. Once you start losing you should be encouraged to keep going. I've lost 4.5 lbs in ONE week, and if I can keep that up, I'll be at my goal weight in no time! And I havent been to anyones gym or done any formal exercise. I just eat less, and I will sometimes dance with my children in the living room.

iam NOT looking for a handout, or for someone to 'make me skinny'.  i am simply looking for a push, some motivation.  i watch discovery health and see teens and young adults sharing their stories and receiving help like they never have before....and thats what i am doing.

simple ieting and simple exercise has never worked for me.  i have done adkins, richard simmons, weight watchers, and many other diets, along with exercise. 

what works for you may not work for others.  i may not get what i am asking for.  maybe my letter will never be read.  i am starting to change some of my ways.  but as i said i need the push and support like never before. 

I feel for you too.  I am a big girl also, and I know how hard it is to get motivated when you are hurt.  But I am a HUGE fan of suck it up and deal with the pain.  I have had 4 knee surgeries, and have 2 herniated disks in my lower back and a severe herniation in my neck that is actually compressing the spinal cord (very serious), and I have arthritis in my knees, neck, and wrists.  So I have severe pain every day.  But I get up and I do what I can and I don't complain.  I am waiting for warmer whether and then I have already said that I am going to go walking with my son every day.  I also asked my mom and dad to come with me to help me stick to it. 

Again I do feel for you, but there is always someone out there who has things worse then we do.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel bad for my son, because I can't do with him like I want to.  I can't even get in the floor to play with him without help getting up.  I can't run or jog, so I have trouble keeping up with him in the yard.  I am just trying to tell you, as nicely as I possibly can, to suck up the pain and stop feeling sorry for yourself.  I am guilty of doing it too, so that is why I feel I can speak so candid to you.  I really hope I have not hurt your feelings.  But I am not saying to not send your letter either.  Give it a try.  I am just trying to put a foot in your butt to maybe help.  Good luck, keep me posted on how and what you are doing.     

You can try having family members, friends, or even your husband help you reach your weight loss goal.  This way, it will help you stay motivated and stick to your plan.  An example of this may be that you can exercise with one of them for an hour or two a day along with eating healthy.

One of my sisters did the Lipo-suction surgery and it worked short-term because she did not change the way she ate or stuck to an exercise routine.  She is a very skinny girl like me, but the only reason she did was the entertainment job that she is in and she thought that it was the easiest and fastest way, which is true it is fast and easy but very expensive.  She now is in tip-top shape because of exercise and she eats very healthy.  She promised me she would never get another surgery until she did everything that she can to look the way that she wants to look.

Hi.  I understand how you feel. I  am not currently overweight but I went through a huge phase in high school where I was and I was constantly compared to my much more skinny and pretty cousins.  Somehow, in our soceity we have associated 'Skinny' with "pretty".  But in any case, that's not to say that you shouldn't lose weight.  For me, I suddenly realized in college that I was feeling bad about myself and I am still insecure about my weight.  the thing that worked for me were small changes. I still ate what i wanted but resisted the urge for the second helping or more of it.  I started with "filler" foods like the chocolate chip protein bars when I got more hungry.  and i found an exercise, I love doing, which is yoga.  I am not a runner or a get on the treadmill kind of girl so i started stretching to my capacity.  the thing about yoga is that you set your limits and you raise them up whenever u can.  i started parking the car farther away when i went out.  doing little things to decrease my apetite and increase the overall work that i did during the day help me out a lot.  On my good months, I am a size 4 but it wasn't always that way.  it was the lifestyle changes that made me maintain it but i do fight everyday.  i think if you really want to have surgery to make yourself feel better, you should, but understand that even with the surgery, without the lifestyle changes and motivation u are likely to gain it back so whether it is before surgery or after surgery, you will still have to do the same things.  i know motivating yourself is hard but i really think that internal motivation is the only thing that works.  we can look for external motivation but internal will power is the one that will sustain you even when other can't. i don't know if any of suggestions are things you have tried or if they have helped you, but i really think you have to really be strong and do it. 

oh, one last thing, this is going to sound corny but a simple thing like focusing on the positive things about yourself really does help!  okay, i can't believe i am admitting this, but i have huge self esteem issues, probably the whole weight thing and when i was trying to lose weight one of my friends suggested that everyday, i think of something that i like about myself and write it down and add to that list everyday. i thought it was stupid but she made me do it. i did it for two months, everydya, thinking about something different that i didn't already add.  you know what, in the beginning, i started with things like, i like that i am a good friend and I help people.  and after two months, guess what?  i noticed i even wrote things about my physical appearance that i liked, which was huge to me.  so even if you are not going to start a list, i will start one for you.  I can tell that you are a caring mother because you care about losing the weight for your daughter's sake as much as your own!