Hi Everyone:

My name is Michelle.  I have 3 beautiful daughters ages 12, 7 & 4.  After 13 years of marriage I got divorced last March ('08).  It was my choice as my husband and I were just unable to get along as well as other issues too.  It was a long time coming to say the very least.  At any rate, I find myself feeling very overwhelmed between working and raising my daughters.  It seems as though things have gotten way out of control.  I can't seem to get a handle on parenting at all.  I have been very inconsistent - and follow-through...what the heck is that?  My kids are running me and I don't know how to gain control again.  I have become a maniac around the house.  All I do is scream scream scream! And trust me...its not working.  I came home today to find that something was spilled on the playroom floor.  I have told & asked them repeatedly not to eat in there.  I went into one of the bathrooms only to find that one of them wrote on the wall.  I wanted to go insane!  Writing on the wall isn't something new.  I don't know if its a phase or what.  I hardly take them anywhere because they either don't appreciate it or they misbehave.  What am I doing wrong??? Please HELP!!! 

you arent doing anything wrong.

is your husband in their lives?  if so, get a break.  if not, ask friends and family to give you one.  just because you have them doesnt mean you can do it all the time on your own.

get your daughters therapy.  they are obviously bothered by the divorce---and how you have handled yourself.

family therapy is a must.  and so is a much needed break for you.

I dont think you are doing anything wrong really, you obviously had control before. maybe you started letting things slide, and then they took advantage of that. i dont think the answer is a break though. what you should do is sit all the girls down together, and reestablish the rules. let them know what is and is not acceptable. (no eating or drinking anywhere but the kitchen or dining room, no writing anywhere except on paper... etc). reward them for good behavior, start a points system. They get so many points for doing good things, and if they get so many by the end of the week then they get to watch a special show, or play a game with you, or pick a fun place to go that weekend. and if they dont follow the rules, you take points away.

For the younger two, timeouts will still work, but for the older one (maybe even the 7 year old depending on how you want to handle it) when they do something they know is wrong (eating in the playroom) have them write what they did wrong, why it was wrong, and why they wont do it again. or something like that.

therapy is okay, i mean it does help in some cases, and if you have good insurance, definetly go for it. and a break is great if you can get it, but you have to remember that when you come back it is going to be just as bad as before. you have to set rules, and stick to them, use punishments when they break them. but also recognize good behavior as well, getting praised for doing something good will make them want to do it more often. I am sure it also has alot to do with attention as well, you have to work harder now that you are a single mom, and they still need the same attention that you gave them before. and obviously, they dont care if it is good or bad, just as long as you are focused on them.

Everyone knows how difficult it is to raise children, and you certainly are not doing anything wrong. they just need to realize that you are the one in charge, and that's that. Good Luck!!

You poor thing!! Have you talked with your girls about the divorce? Try sitting down with them and letting them know it's ok to be sad/angry/frustrated but that it is in no way their fault. If writing on the walls is their way of expressing themselves you could try getting them each a journal and letting them vent privately that way.

I agree that therapy is an option but i would try talking to them yourself first and just listening to them - they may just want their mom's reassurance that they are still loved and not to blame.

And definitely take a break!! Get your nails done, grab coffee with a friend...anything that is time just for you!! Good Luck!!

OMG! I soo could have posted this exact thing! My childrens father and I split up almost a year ago (March08) and I have four small children, ages 5,4 and 2 1/2 yr twins. Lately I have lost complete control of my household and Ive been screaming A LOT also. ditto your post basically. I have thought of therapy as well, but I dont know what to tell you. I dont think you are doing anything wrong, but its just difficult to do it all by yourself. I hope you are able to work something out!

Ladies:

Thank you so much for your advice and kind words.  Things have actually started to get better. I'm trying to get more structure into our lives which I think is very important.  I am going to try therapy...family therapy for all of us together.  My BF wants to be included too which is so awesome.  Again thank you all for being there when I needed advice!

Michelle

Didnt read all the posts, so sorry if I repeat anything. I think you're normal. You are human & are probably act different since the divorce (due to emotions, stress, etc) & dont notice it, which in turn may be causing your daughters to act different, too. My suggestions? #1 Watch Super Nanny, take her advise, learn from the show & realize it could be worse... lol #2 Get a schedule going in your home. this will make things less chaotic. #3 Take a break! We all need it.