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| my husband helps with my active 8 month old son, but only when he is acting good or when my husband feels like it. His excuses always are "but I don't do it as well as you" or something like that. He goes out three or four nights a week to martial arts classes and also once a month to a bar with friends and I don't have any out of the house activity. I feel overwhelmed a lot even though his parents live above us and they both help out a lot. I always feel like they help me more than he does. Is he missing his single days or does he feel jealous of all the time I spend with the baby? I can't figure it out.. |
| Posted by Melissa on 02/18/2009 10:03 PM
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I am still in exactly the same situation, well except that his parents dont help. mine do occasionally. but i asked him to change our daughter's diaper the other day, and his answer was "But I just changed her diaper yesterday!" meaning that he couldn't believe i was actually asking him to change her diaper more than once in 24 hours. And I just looked at him, the whole time thinking, "well EXCUSE ME!! But didn't I change her diaper the last 16 months!!". But yes one of his favorrite lines was "you do it so much better than me". The only time he wants to "help" is when he is in a good mood, he isnt trying to do anything (and I do mean ANYTHING) else, and she is in a good mood also. I think that part of it may be that he misses being able to do anything, anytime. but part of it, at least for my guy, is that he just doesnt have the patience, or the desire to do those things. I mean, who wants to change a stinky diaper? We don't like doing all the gross things either, or dealing with a cranky baby. but they know that we will, because we HAVE to. if he doesnt do it, or doesnt feel like doing it, he knows I will.
My fiancee works 3rd shift, he gets home around 7:30 AM, and our daughter usually gets up between 8 and 9 AM. But this morning he had gotten home early, and she had gotten up early. so in a rare moment of compassion, he let me sleep an extra 30 minutes and he stayed up with her. However, when he woke me, I asked him if had fed her (No), I asked him if he had changed her (Nooo). I was sooo pissed. I understand that sometimes he just doesnt feel like doing things, we all feel like that sometimes. but that doesnt mean we get to sit and do nothing... especially when it comes to your child.
I am really not sure how to handle it, but i doubt it's jealousy, the first one could be part of it though. I would sit down and talk to him about it. ask him if he feels uncomfortable doing these things, or if its just because he doesnt like doing them. if that is the case then you have to explain to him that doing things you dont always like is part of having a baby. sometimes you need time off too. and if he tried to help more while you were around, then it would be easier for him to do it by himself, if he ever needs to. |
| posted by Becky on 02/18/2009 10:59 PM
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Hi Melissa,
I was just like you too. In fact I think I even posted about it. Anyway.
I used to work with a man who is a father to 5. I remember asking him while I was pregnant - what it was like after the baby was born for him. I told him I wanted to hear a man's point of view. Especially his because he is very active very much on the go kind of person. He told me to be honest I didn't know what to do and he told me he felt out of place. I told him welll yeah what does that mean. He told me when his wife delivered all 5 kids he was estatic but was like ok now what - he just couldn't comprehend what to do with a baby. Now they are older youngest is 4 and now he knows what to do.
Men are stupid that is my point of view. All they need to do is use common sense. Does the kid stink ... then change it's diaper or give it a bath HELLO. Seriously they are just stuck on stupid when it comes down to it. My husband interacts with our daughter NOW. He always did but just now how I felt he should. He feeds her, baths her etc. The only thing he "wont" do is put her to sleep. But Melissa for your man to be having his nights out ... it's OK but as long as he lets you have yours too. He is being very selfish otherwise and he needs to be told.
Just my opinion please don't get offended.
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| posted by Holly on 02/19/2009 07:35 AM
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Holly, I think you're half right. Men CAN be stupid, but dont confuse their laziness for stupidity. Like Becky said, we dont like changing diapers, dealing w/ a fussy baby or having no life either, but we do what has to be done. I just posted something to a woman complaining about her man being inconsiderate so I dont want to repeate myself. But in a nutshell, they need their "me" time just like you do. |
| posted by April on 02/19/2009 03:35 PM
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thanks to all of you, your advice and points of view helped me a lot :)
my husband actually walked into the computer room right when I was reading your posts and he was so upset and ashamed about how he was making me feel that he said he would always ask before playing games whether I needed help with something or make sure that while he was playing I was napping with the baby so that he could have family time when all three of us were awake. This is a baby step (pardon the pun) in my eyes, but I can see that he is starting to see the light....:) |
| posted by Melissa on 02/19/2009 10:09 PM
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lol, i think that should be everyone's advice from now on... if you have a complaint about your husband, write it on here. and then let him read it... though i think chances are, like your husband, they dont know that something is bothering us. he was being lazy, but apparently he didnt know he was, lol, guess that means everyone was right! |
| posted by Becky on 02/19/2009 10:24 PM
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