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| Stay at Home Moms |
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| Yesterday my son clung to his grandma, cried, and didn't want to come home with me. This was his first "all day" stay at someone's house. I cried all night long. This morning he only wanted his dad and didn't want me to be near him. This is after I set up a slide in the living room because it was rainy outside and I though he would like it. He did like it, but he just doesn't like me. I don't know what to do. The worst part is that I am starting to not want to be around him. I know this is the worst way to be, but he has been slapping me in the face and throwing near constant tantrums. I have even begun thinking about returning to work just to get away. I know a lot of people will think I am a terrible mom. I often think that about myself. I have not had a night away from him since we adopted him 8 months ago, and the longest I have been away was yesterday for 6 hours. Are we just spending too much time together? I know my mom caters to him totally and played with him for 6 hours straight yesterday (no nap either) but I try very hard to play with him, do learning game, etc. Lately though I have not been putting my best mommy foot forward. I thought it was just burnout, so I figured a day away from each other yesterday would do us good. Now I wonder if he just doesn't like me at all. I have other friends that say don't take it personally, but it just really hurts. Our house went from my husband and I, right to toddler, husband and puppy. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing anything right. Sorry to keep rambling, I am just frustrated and sad. |
| Posted by Tina on 02/11/2009 02:47 PM
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Tina, whatever you do, DO NOT take it personally. While this hasn't happened with me (yet!) your toddler is going through the stages todderls go through. You mentioned that your mom caters to him. Now he expects that from you but don't give in. He still loves you but the only way he knows how to show his frustration is by hitting and refusing to be near you. He will eventually get over it, don't give up. It's hard being a SAHM with your toddler all day. I'm in the same boat as I haven't found playgroup as of yet.
I have 2 y/o twin boys and one of them has become so clingy, it drives me nuts! He wants to held all the time and don't sit down! He wants to held while I'm standing up. And if I sit down, he gets upsets and takes a whack at me!
Hang in there. He is a cutie, he still loves you. |
| posted by Angela on 02/11/2009 03:01 PM
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I know it is hard, but please try not to take it personally. Toddlers often go through stages of preferring one parent over the other, or a grandparent. My son does this sometimes, he will go a few days rejecting my husband, then all of a sudden turn around and want only Daddy and not me. It's hard, but knowing it's a normal part of development helps- a little.
Since yesterday was the longest that you have left him, he may be reacting to that. He loves you, and missed you, even if Grandma did play with him all day. That doesn't mean you shouldn't ever leave him. He just needs to get used to you leaving so he can learn to trust that you will always come back. A little break now and then is good, for both of you.
Please, please don't think you are a bad mom. You are good mom, going through a challenging time. Most toddlers, at one time or another, do this kind of thing. The test us and push us to our limits. These are the challenges of being a parent. Don't give in to the temptation to 'buy' his affection with special treatment. Just offer affection as you normally do, and he will come around. |
| posted by Marcia on 02/11/2009 03:24 PM
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My baby's only five months so I havent gone thru this, yet. But my youngest niece is like that w/ my father. She can go weeks w/ out seeing Grandpa and the minute she does, she will ask him to carry her & wont go w/ anyone else, including her mother. She's a year and a half, but has done this since 11 months. I dont know why. I love my dad and he's great, but he's your typical male relative. You know, will play w/ the kids for 5-10 minutes, hug them, pat them on the head and send them back to the "women" I notice my daughter goes crazy w/ excitement when she sees him too. He'll carry her for a whole five minutes and she'll yap yap yap the whole time and laugh w/ him. She's a happy baby, but she doesnt get that excited to see me! WTF? ha ha.
As far as not wanting to be near him, I think that's totally normal and all mothers go through that. You dont Literally want to go away and never see them again, but you're just frustrated and need a mommy time out. I know I've made the comment "Okay, I think I'll go out for a pack of cigarretts now" w/ a grin on my face as I hand my baby to her dad. I dont smoke but as a joke, like saying I "understand" why some men went out for a pack of smokes and never came back (not that I think this situation is a funny one, but u know what I mean). And once when my baby was just fussy ALL NIGHT for no reason, I said "OMG. Now I know why they say not to shake your baby" (you know, when you read this you think "Why do they have to tell people not to do this. How stupid can people be?" Until you are completely frustrated w/ a baby. Again, I would NEVER do this, but say that to my daughters dad just jokingly. More than anything for me. To lighten the frustration. |
| posted by April on 02/11/2009 03:55 PM
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| Was he adopted domestic or international? Most kids go through these stages. Take advantage of the break! :) He will be your little buddy before you know it. |
| posted by Teri on 02/11/2009 03:58 PM
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Tina,
I say dont take it personally.. it is common for toddlers to get that way.. My son slaps me too.. and yes there are days I dont even want to be around him... I felt guilty also... Its all normal for toddler to experience this and for mommy to feel the way you do...You do need to make independent time for you and for him... |
| posted by ellen on 02/11/2009 04:36 PM
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| Thanks so much for all the support! We adopted our son from Guatemala (right before they closed adoptions) and this is the first time I have been able to really vent my feelings. Every time I try to talk to anyone (other than my husband) it seems like all I hear is how cute he is, how lucky we are, what a loving little guy he is, etc. He is all those, but sometimes he is also unbearable. I will definitely try not to take his behavior personally. I think you all are right that we DO need time apart from one another. Right now he is my whole world, so when he acts out (which is a lot) and does hurtful things then I immediately think it is somehow my fault and dwell on it. Even if I have to peel him away from Grandma, it will probably do us both good to be apart sometimes. Thanks again for all the advice and understanding. It means a lot! |
| posted by Tina on 02/11/2009 06:15 PM
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Hi Tina,
I am sorry that you feel sad and frustrated. After reading what you wrote it sounds like he missed you! You have not been apart and he got scared. I know he was very young when you adopted him, however many adopted children have a deep rooted fear of abandonment. It sounds like he loves you very much and does not want to be away from you and what he is doing is punishing you and testing. Toddlers do that. Encourage independance and most important take time for you as well! It sounds like you are a wonderful mother! |
| posted by Marya on 02/11/2009 09:14 PM
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| Hi Tina. This may sound weird, but I'm glad you posted this today. How old is your son? My son is going through the same thing. Today he threw a tantrum after play group and it was all I could do to NOT break down in front of him on the way home. I've been talking to several people today and they all tell me this is a normal part of their development. So I'm choosing to not take it personally, and neither should you. I'm not saying it won't be difficult, but we can all help each other through it! |
| posted by Bonnie on 02/11/2009 10:17 PM
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| Hi Bonnie, my son is going to be 2 in March. Today he decided that I sucked (yet again) and only wanted Daddy. I hate to say it, but I did break down in front of him today. I try not to take it personally, but it is really hard not to. My husband felt so bad today that he brought my Valentines present home early. That is actually saying a lot, because we have never celebrated Valentines Day! :) A lot of people have told me that my son's behavior is normal, and I am sure it is. It still feels horrible though! I agree that if we can lean on each other then we can make it through it! |
| posted by Tina on 02/11/2009 10:26 PM
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| Yes it is very hard to not take it personally. Especially when you put all your energy and focus into caring for this little person and they seem to reject you. I know what you are going through, if that helps at all. |
| posted by Bonnie on 02/11/2009 10:35 PM
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| I am also going through this stage with my son (going to be 2 in April). He doesn't really enjoy playing with ME anymore and has started to call me "bo bo" instead of "mommy". My husband, on the other hand, is like GOD when he comes home. My son does all the stuff I would love to do with him (but he doesn't let me). I do think it is a stage kids go through, especially boys. My son definitely has the same personality type as my husband does, so I think that adds to his attachment to daddy (my husband is very introverted and quiet) and not me (outgoing and talkative). I am also probably considered the "mean" parent in his eyes. I am the main disciplinarian, since my husband is only home for a couple of hours before my son goes to sleep and is gone before he wakes up. All I can say is good luck and I am hoping for both of our sakes is gets better. |
| posted by Heather on 02/13/2009 08:47 AM
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Hi, Tina,
I hope you have some mom friends in a playgroup or something like that. It sounds like you really need to see that other kids are doing what your child is doing so that it will be easier to put it in perspective. Having other moms physically present with you is also a really great way to feel bolstered and refreshed, even if they don't have solutions to offer you. I have three little ones ages 5, 3, and 1, and it is amazing how each of them can put on such intensely challenging behavior! Please, don't beat yourself up so much, and don't feel badly for dreading that behavior. How long has it been going on for?
I did a search to see if the MOMS Club International had a Matherville chapter and wasn't able to find one, but I strongly recommend you search yourself for some kind of moms club, or see if your church (or one near you) has one. Join some Gymboree or music classes to meet more moms with kids your son's age. It is hard to be a stay-at-home mom, but it is nearly impossible to do it when you are so isolated.
You are SO NORMAL when you say you don't like your child very much right now. You are SO NORMAL to feel frustrated when you try to explain how you feel dealing with him day-to-day and people only count your blessings for you. You already know you are blessed! And the hard work you went through to get him doesn't make you ineligible to feel frustrated when it doesn't go smoothly.
I agree with Marya that he may be exhibiting some extreme separation anxiety that arises from the adoption (even though he's so little and been with you so long). I have seen this kind of behavior discussed in books, even among children living with their birth families. Can I suggest that you check out some parenting articles for some good techniques for feeling calm even when he's giving you such a hard time? And trust that, like everything in parenting, good or bad, this too shall pass.
Will be thinking & praying for you -- please keep us posted.
Cindy |
| posted by Cindy on 02/13/2009 12:16 PM
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| So my brother, sister in law and niece came over last night. My dad was already there and as soon as my niece saw him, she wanted him to carry her. He did for about 5 minutes but then needed to leave to run an errand. She would not go w/ anyone, including her mom and when my dad put her down & tried to explain he had to go, but he'd be back and bring her a cookie, she just cried & cried & kept calling out to grandpa w/ her hands out. I looked at my sister in law who was carrying her thinking "OMG, she's going to feel awful" but she was just laughing at the situation. She had this look of "that's what kids do" on her face. I guess I had never paid to much attention to this behavior in kids, but now that I have my own, I'm glad you mentioned it so I wont burst in to tears thinking my daughter doesnt want to be w/ me when she does this to me. When my dad returned (about 15 minutes later) my niece ran to him, had him carry her for about 30 seconds, then wanted him to put her down so she could go play and didnt even look his way the rest of the night. Kids are just.... kids, I guess. Their behavior doesnt always mean what we think it does. |
| posted by April on 02/13/2009 01:14 PM
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If it is any consolation my grandson just turned 3 in Jan. and he is so clingy NOW to his mom it gets old. Only mom can rock him and if she gets out of his sight he want his momma. So I think it is just a short lived phase that will drastically change probably sooner than you think. Terrible two's are just that.... because they are frustrated because they can't communicate to you the way they want. Sesame Street video's and other Diego are really great attention keepers. This will allow you some sanity time if he will even watch 15 min. of them.
Roxanne |
| posted by Roxanne on 02/13/2009 07:33 PM
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| Hi Ladies! Tonight my parents, brother, sister-in-law and nephew came over. My son didn't even pay any attention to grandma. She even brought him a Valentines gift. It blew my mind. I am still a new parent, but after reading everyone's posts I started to just accept that his behavior is kinda the norm. It is still so wild seeing it in action though. I was half expecting him to just throw his arms around her like she was his only life raft. I just want to thank everyone for all the response this post has gotten. Your words have given me more comfort than you can imagine! It is so good to feel that you are not alone! Thanks again everyone! -Tina |
| posted by Tina on 02/13/2009 11:24 PM
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Tina, so glad to hear that and thank you for updating us with the good news. It really is amazing how many different ways these little people can make us crazy, but somehow they always manage to circle back to crazy in love. Enjoy it!
Cindy |
| posted by Cindy on 02/14/2009 02:14 AM
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