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| Hmmm I dont even know where to start. I am just miserable! My boyfriend was married to a woman for less then a year and she passed away. He has joint custody of her daughter with the little girls grandma. I love the little girl to death and she calls me her mom. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we have a 6 month old daughter together. He was just wonderful when we first met and it was love at first sight. We didnt plan on having a baby right away but we were thrilled when we found out we were pregnant. He was sooo happy and promised me we would be a happy family. Well when I was about 4 months pregnant things took a turn for the worse. He would go out with friends every night and just treat me like crap. He was not there for me AT ALL for the rest of my pregnancy. He fought with me all the time and said really mean hurtful things to me. I told him if he didnt want to be with me anymore then that was okay just say so. He promised he loved me and wanted to be with me but still continued to treat me like crap. I was so lonely and depressed for the rest of my pregnancy. After I had the baby he still wasnt there for me and I had bad post partum depression. I honestly dont even remember the first 2 months of my babys life. Well we decided to move out of our apt cuz we couldnt afford it anymore and I moved home with my parents and he lived with his friend for 3 months. He came over only maybe once or twice a week. He is living with us now but I dont know what to do. He works full time and makes about 50K and he wont give me a penny! I only work the weekends cuz I dont have anyone to watch our daughter during the week and I cant afford daycare. He complains all the time that he has no money cuz he has so many bills to pay off. Well I have bills too! My parents dont charge us any rent or make us pay any bills they even pay for all the groceries! Why cant he buy his daughter diapers? I mean he doesnt give me a single penny for our daughter. Im just suppose to support her and myself and my bills on my $80 a week. We NEVER go out anywhere or spend anytime together as a couple or a family. He works a ton of hours and in his free time he sleeps till noon then hes off running errands then goes out with his friends. When he is home he just ignores me and our daughter. He plays with her for about 5 mins then she starts to cry and he just gives her back to me. I hate to say it but our daughter is scared of him and doesnt even know him as her father. The problem is, is that part of me is still very much in love with him because I remember and long for the person he used to be and we have a strong special connection bcause we have a baby together that was made out of love. I also love his stepdaughter and would hate to screw up her life anymore. He was full of false promises. Im so tired of feeling so lonely and depressed all the time. All I want is to be a normal family. Im not asking for much, just for him to help support our daughter and spend time with us as a family. I know I deserve better but I still love him. Im so confused! Does anyone have any advice for me? :(((( |
| Posted by Lisa on 02/07/2009 10:17 PM
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this is going to sound so weird i know, but during the day if you can tune in to Dr. Laura, you can find the time and station on her website, within a week, I'm sure you'll get advice/encouragement/inspiration to turn things around and hang in there!
best wishes |
| posted by Candice on 02/07/2009 11:00 PM
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Dont listen to Dr. Laura! She will make you feel even worse! I heard her tell a woman that it was her fault that her man cheated on her. She must not have been treating him right because it is a womans job to satisfy and support her husband all the time. She thinks that if your marriage is bad, its because you are doing enough to keep your man happy. She says if you make him happy, THEN he will make you happy! BULLSHIT! It should be an even game! You should both wake up in the morning and think "What can I do to make my wife/husband happy today". Not "I will be good to her when she behaves the way a wife should!" SCREW THAT!
Ok. So back to your problem. I understand it is hard to realize that this guy you're with is not the same guy he once was... but if he is as terrible as you make him out to be, then its time to move on. Have you considered that you are not in love with him, but instead, in love with who he used to be... Dr. Laura is gonna tell you that you need to stay with him because it is wrong to let your desire to be in a passionate loving relationship be more important then your child having a 2 parent home.. BUT Dr. Phil will tell you that a child would rather be FROM a broken home then LIVE in one! And the only thing worse then being miserable for all this time - Is being miserable all this time plus one more day!
So tell him to hit the road, go to your local Dept. of Human Services and get the ball rolling on child support. Your parents dont want to support him. If it is meant to be, then it will work out in the end. But for now, you need to put your child and yourself first. There are also programs for low income childcare. It is daycare assistance. You pay a portion, the state pays the rest. Good luck! |
| posted by Kelly on 02/07/2009 11:43 PM
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| I agree with Kelly if you can't get through to him and he treats you like shit then leave him. He is not worth it. I know you are very attached to his daughter, but maybe you can talk to her grandmother and see if you could come and visit when she is at her house. Tell her how much that little girl means to you and about the hell her father has put you through. Also tell her that you would like it if your daughter could grow up and know her half-sister. I want to bring up one thing to think about. I think he maybe cheating on you, if a man is to cheat on his partner it mostly occurs during a pregnancy. He also tends to distance himself form you so he doesn't feel guilt because he has cut emotional ties to you. He also does this so that he can devote all his attention and emotions to the woman he is cheating with. |
| posted by Alisa on 02/08/2009 12:00 AM
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| ooh kelly... u have got her all wrong, but that happens a lot. she is all about what is best for the child. once you become a parent the priorities change. |
| posted by Candice on 02/08/2009 12:08 AM
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Yes, Candice the priorities do change once you have children... but dr. laura thinks at that point it shouldnt matter how crappy your relationship is. That is garbage. I want to set a good example for my children, my daughters and my sons. And if I allow a man to walk all over me, disrespect me and our children, keep his money from us, etc. then that is not a good example. I want my girls to know that a man should help take care of them, support them, love and cherish them in a relationship. I want them to see an equal partnership. I want my boys to know how to treat a woman. I want them to know she is his equal and deserves to be treated as such.
Staying in the relationship that Lisa is in will not set a good example for her kids.
Lisa, go ahead and read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands written by Dr. Laura. Listen to the radio show. Its on channel 155 on XM Radio, the channel is called Take 5 I think. But I dont think any book or any amount of changing you do will make him a better husband. He is the one that needs to change. And I think writing those first few child support checks may be the first step to seeing those changes! |
| posted by Kelly on 02/08/2009 01:08 AM
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No one in there right mind thinks you should stay in a relationship that is crappy. That's an incorrect exaggerated statement. And the purpose of that book you mentioned is to show women they have the God-given ability to set the tone in their marriage and in their homes. If a woman is having a bad day and man walks in naked like "hey let's do it" he's insensitive, if a man is having a bad day and his woman walks in naken like "hey let's make it all better" she's heaven sent, she can actually change his mood into a better one. There are limits to what men can accomplish in a home. First, you have to chose the right man to have children with, when there are drastic changes, either you did not chose right in the 1st place and ignored all the signs or he has pyshiatric disorder. No resonable good man who gets treated well by his woman would create a crappy atmosphere. If you are sweet, kind, sexy, loving, gentle and respectful to your hubby those problems won't arise. Unfortunately today us women disrespect our hubby's left and right with this "bafoon dad" mentality... I think Ward Cleaver was the last respected father on a sitcom lol, now men get the wrap of "not getting it", like they are too stupid or incompetent to be a good father and dad, and we go off on them, being unloving and disrepectful and then wonder why they do crappy things like not help out, be gone all the time, and withhold love, affection and even finances. So the reason I reccommended Dr. Laura is because I have no idea what goes on in her home, but maybe she will hear a caller that will help her identify ways or areas to improve because women do have the power to set the tone. Maybe it is a lost cause, but since there are children involved its best to try all options. That's what I meant by priorities change, your pride, your wants, your needs they come after the kids now. Once you make a baby with someone you put all you have to make it work first before you even think about leaving.
Broken marriages are the norm these days and its so frustrating because the whole purpose of parents raising kids to pass down the wisdom of how relatioship works. Everyone is affected by who their parents are and what type of realtionship they had with eachother. So since its so crucial I like to take the approach to be loving, sweet, and faithful and create a winning solution then be argumentive, scorn and go fill out divorce papers....
I've been listening to Dr. Laura for 3 years, Jesus is my main source, but Dr. Laura from time to time reminds me on how to be a loving, flirty, giving wife to my husband and we have a wonderful marriage because of my attitude towards certain issues that arise. My husband is my best friend, he's open, supportive, and encouraging. He's the man he is because I am the wife I am. I know if I were to stop treating him like a King he'd be crushed and start doing things like staying away and not being as responsible or responsive. Men are strong but to their wives they are as open and vulnerable then anything we can imagine. We're their rib, the gateway to their heart, there identity relies on our image of them. It's a special powerful gift to be a man's wife. You play your part right you get good from it....
K, I didn't mean for this to be 80 pages long... :)
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| posted by Candice on 02/08/2009 05:56 PM
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| Candice said that a woman needs to treat her spouse like a king, but what about you shouldn't he treat you like a queen. It is 50/50 here or should be, a man is not in charge of the house it is equally ruled by wife and husband. You just basically told her she needs to be his slave and do what he wants, but what about what you want? Some women are not that submissive and need to have a man that will share responsibilities equally, if you don't have a man that is willing to met you half way then it isn't meant to be. In your case Lisa you were never given a chance to show appreciation to your spouse and he just changed like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and he stopped showing you love and respect before the baby was born which is time this stuff should have happened it was to happen. I stand by what I said before I think he is cheating on you all the signs are there. He living a double life and it is time to kick him to the curve while your child is still young. You deserve a man who will faithful, helpful, and loving. |
| posted by Alisa on 02/08/2009 07:03 PM
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duh he's supposed to treat you like a queen! but you can't control your man, so that's the point of picking someone queen treatin acting in the first place. i don't believe someone changes that drastically unless they have a brain disorder or you were lying to yourself in the first place about how he really was. my husband treats me beyond wonderful, that's why I picked him to share my life with. but i know if i started to treat him like crap he wouldn't know what the heck to do!!!
kick your child's father to the curve?!?! that's the advice you give! good grief! no wonder divorce is 50%....
its not about her anymore!!! its about her child! you don't kick someone to the curve when a child is involved unless all options have been exercised!!!
& its not a slave menatlity its a servant, I serve God, I serve my husband, and I serve my kids, my friends and my family. I do things for them out of love. I don't do anything beyond my physical or emotional means, which slaves are forced to do. I'm here to make the people in my life better. Slaves don't get honor, praise, and love in return like I do, so that title is a misfit. I serve my family in a way that when my life is over, my legacy won't be.
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| posted by Candice on 02/08/2009 07:17 PM
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| Okay, after thinking about this for awhile and listening to what everyone has to say I think I have figured out what went wrong. I honestly think that he was hurt and lonely from his wife's death and he kinda used me. In the beginning of our relationship we shared all the same dreams and goals. We had similar things in common and wanted the same things out of life. We got pregnant too early and he was not ready to let go of his wife's death. He had a pretty messed up past too and I really thing he is very screwed up in the head from it. I have treated him with dignity and respect. Not a day went by that I didnt say I love you to him and complimented him. He has done so many hurtful screwed up things to me like taking money out of our baby's card from the babyshower to pay 1 of his personal bills. I needed that money to get diapers! I told him I understood he needed money to pay his bill but I would appreciate it if he replaced that money because it was for our daughter and he just got mad, yelled at me and never replaced it. 1 time not too long ago I asked for $15 for diapers and he got really pissed at me for even asking then took money out of his wallet and threw it in my face(literally) When I was in the hospital in labor and about to have an emergency c section I was crying and scared and all he did was sit in the corner and ignore me. He should of been there holding me and supporting me. Even after the baby was born in the hospital he took off for the rest of the day to get his haircut! I have been trying to make this work for a year for our daughters sake, our step daughters sake and because I remember that sweet person he was in the beginning and how we were so much in love and shared all the same interests and wanted the same out of life. He just has a really good way of making me feel like everything is my fault and I deserve to be treated that way. After awhile thats how you start to feel and you forget who you really are. I am just so confused and lost and I wouldnt even know how to start my life over. |
| posted by Lisa on 02/08/2009 08:58 PM
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| Okay, after thinking about this for awhile and listening to what everyone has to say I think I have figured out what went wrong. I honestly think that he was hurt and lonely from his wife's death and he kinda used me. In the beginning of our relationship we shared all the same dreams and goals. We had similar things in common and wanted the same things out of life. We got pregnant too early and he was not ready to let go of his wife's death. He had a pretty messed up past too and I really thing he is very screwed up in the head from it. I have treated him with dignity and respect. Not a day went by that I didnt say I love you to him and complimented him. He has done so many hurtful screwed up things to me like taking money out of our baby's card from the babyshower to pay 1 of his personal bills. I needed that money to get diapers! I told him I understood he needed money to pay his bill but I would appreciate it if he replaced that money because it was for our daughter and he just got mad, yelled at me and never replaced it. 1 time not too long ago I asked for $15 for diapers and he got really pissed at me for even asking then took money out of his wallet and threw it in my face(literally) When I was in the hospital in labor and about to have an emergency c section I was crying and scared and all he did was sit in the corner and ignore me. He should of been there holding me and supporting me. Even after the baby was born in the hospital he took off for the rest of the day to get his haircut! I have been trying to make this work for a year for our daughters sake, our step daughters sake and because I remember that sweet person he was in the beginning and how we were so much in love and shared all the same interests and wanted the same out of life. He just has a really good way of making me feel like everything is my fault and I deserve to be treated that way. After awhile thats how you start to feel and you forget who you really are. I am just so confused and lost and I wouldnt even know how to start my life over. |
| posted by Lisa on 02/08/2009 08:58 PM
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| I am sorry to say, but that sounds like he maybe seeing someone else. It is hard to accept this, but most the people I know who has had their husband's cheat on them described what you are going through. |
| posted by Alisa on 02/08/2009 10:55 PM
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http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscheating/0,,nt4p-2,00.html
Here see what I mean |
| posted by Alisa on 02/08/2009 11:02 PM
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OMG! Are you ladies kidding? Lisa, are you serious? You seriously need to kick his a$$ to the curb & forget ur feelings & who you THINK he used to be, as u didnt know him that long before u got pregnant anyway. Your daughter comes first & how dare u not only live off ur parents, being a grown woman w/ a child, but let ur looser baby's dad free load off them too.
Now, I am a catholic hispanic woman & was raised to believe the man is the head of his household (but of course we are the neck & can make him turn any which way we'd like). I dont believe in 50/50. I believe there are certain things that r a man's responsibility & certain things that r a woman's responsibility. I did the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc in my home & would have been emberrassed if someone came over to find my man w/ a mop in his hand. With that said, he was the provider. He paid the rent and all major bills. My money was for the grocery shopping, toiletrees and me. After all, I wouldn't expect my man to tell me its my turn to change a flat tire because he changed it the last time. As far as treating him like a king, I completely agree. I did & my daughter's dad was a jerk toward the end. That NEVER stopped me from doing my duties as a female and his live in girlfriend. When I left him, I knew I did ALL in my power to make it work. Now he's begging me to take him back & not the other way around. I dont understand the 50/50 thing. If we were friends & u'd ask me for a favor, I wouldnt say "Ok, but only if u do me a favor when I need it" I was raised told "he who wants to be king must learn to serve others"
Lisa, whether ur man is nice or not, cheating or not, depressed or not, he has a responsibility to financially take care of his daughter. If he's not paying for rent, utilities or groceries, then what the hell is he spending his money on? Crack? Other women? He needs to support his daughter and you need to seriously stop and think. This man stole from your daughter yet ur still letting him stick around. |
| posted by April on 02/09/2009 03:46 PM
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| Lisa, I agree that you need to let this one go. I went through a similar situation with my oldest sons father. You have to take care of yourself and your baby now. Have you tried going to your local Department of Human Services and getting WIC? That is a program where you get certificates each month for formula and baby food. You can also get daycare assistance most of the time and healthcare benefits for your baby. Most of them even have housing assistance and job assistance to help you get on your feet and find something to help you work and be there for your baby. I know this sounds harsh and I don't mean it too but you really should think about going to juvenile court and filing for child support. If you two work things out down the road...great...but you will have things in place to help you and your baby so you don't feel so dependent on him financially. I am pretty sure every state has these services. I hope you check them out and good luck!!! I really hope all works out for you and your baby!!! |
| posted by Kris on 02/09/2009 06:27 PM
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Has anyone heard the song "Catter to You" by Destiny's Child? You can google the lyrics. I know when I first heard this song I thought it was a beautiful song and hoped I could find someone some day I could feel this way about. I've just recently went back w/ my daughter's dad and although we've had our many many ups and downs, I think he's the one that makes me want to Catter to him.
Granted the parts that state "I see you working hard.....................If I want it, when I ask you you provide it.......................................You inspire me to be better, you challenge me for the better" are and have to be true. |
| posted by April on 02/10/2009 03:31 PM
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