 |
|
|
|
| Need to Vent Group |
| Public online group |
|
|
| |
|
|
| i am engaged to my daughters father, but being i do it all and he just 'helps' me, i think that being a single mom is who i am. and maybe thats better. he has good qualities but i need a 'partner', not someone who is here everyday but still asks me what to feed our 2yr old, or 'do you think she needs a nap yet?" i mean come on! i dont leave her with him very often cause honestly i dont think he can handle it. im thinking of calling off everything because while there are many many things i love about him, im tired of doing it alone.....with him right there! |
| Posted by ERIN on 02/07/2009 05:20 PM
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| I think you need to think about your daughter, does she love her father, is she really close to him? How will this affect her? Then go to your fiancé and give him an ultimatum, either help me more or you can leave. If you love him so much then I think he at least deserves a chance to change. When you confront him don't go on the attack just tell him this calmly and keep your head cool. You don't need there to be a argument or him crawling into a shell and shutting you out. Just tell him what his choices are and walk away so he can have a chance to think about what will happen if he doesn't change. |
| posted by Alisa on 02/07/2009 06:04 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| we have gone that road before. many days i complain about him sleeping in and he always says 'tomorrow i will set my alarm'. he never does and the time it takes to wake hiss ass up, i am already fully awake and cant go back to sleep. plus he'll have an attitude. |
| posted by ERIN on 02/07/2009 06:11 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| Well have you actually told him I am going to leave you if you don't change? That usually gets the guys attention and makes him think. Even if he has an attitude don't give one back don't acknowledge it just tell him what you have to say and walk away. If you have to leave the house and go on a walk so you don't have to listen to him bitch. If he doesn't want to change after all of that then it is time to separate, don't cut off everything, but it give him some time to thing about what he is missing. |
| posted by Alisa on 02/07/2009 06:24 PM
|
|
|
|
|
You cant DO everything, and then complain that he does nothing. Boys need direction. If he is asking questions, its because he wants to help. "what do you want me to feed her" means "I want to help, but I dont wanna step on your toes. Tell me what you want me to do" Do you think she needs a nap yet means "wow! shes grouchy... can we put her in bed cuz shes driving me crazy!" And they really are more capable of doing things then we give them credit for! If you step in all the time, he will never get any better. Its a sink or swim kinda thing. Make plans. Prepare him for your departure with plenty of instructions and GO! When you get back, everything will be fine, and he will be better for it. Once he has a few opportunities to take charge, he will be more comfortable with it. He might even enjoy it!
When he does something, don't re-do it. Tell him how much you appreciate it. Like children, men need a lot of praise. Positive reinforcement works best! "Oh Steve, thank you so much for picking up the living room! I'm just exhausted today and I really appreciate the help!" "Hey, did you take the trash out! Thank you! I love it when you are so thoughtful!"
Its going to make you want to throw up in your mouth at first because no one pats you on the head when you put a glass in the dishwasher, but they really do need it. When they see how much you appreciate it, it will come more naturally to them. I think they assume we can do everything without any help, or that we will only criticize them when they dont do things the way we would have. So, if he puts the plates in the dishwasher backwards, or forgets to throw in a dryer sheet, dont point it out while you are thanking them for doing it. Other wise he will be thinking- if you do it so well, do it yourself!
Dont give up on your relationship because of chores! Men can be trained! You just have to show him the way with a little bit of exaggerated praise (it has to sound real though!) and you will have him scrubbing the floors and giving the kids baths in no time! Love is hard to find, especially for a Single Mom! Don't jump into the role so quickly. Its a hard one to come back from! |
| posted by Kelly on 02/07/2009 06:43 PM
|
|
|
|
|
Hi Erin,
I didnt read all the other people replies but I can say that maybe it is best to try to communicate with your fiance before you decide to throw in the towel and move on... I comprehend your frustration.. Its not easy being a mom in general.... wish you luck |
| posted by ellen on 02/07/2009 07:46 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| Reading Kelly's reply reminded me of a book I read in the library. It is called How to babyproof your marriage. It is a wonderful book and has really helped my relationship with my husband. Although it says marriage in the title it isn't just for married people it is for all relationships. I really think you should read it, trust me it will do wonders for your relationship. |
| posted by Alisa on 02/08/2009 12:04 AM
|
|
|
|
|
| Erin, I understand where you are coming from completely. My fiance is was the same way not too long ago. I agree with Kelly that he probably just wants to help but is clueless where to start. I started leaving the kids with him for short time periods more often and insiting that he help with the nighttime routine every night. This showed him that it's not easy doing things myself and also gave him confidence to do things on his own more often. I hope that he comes around and you two can work things out for yourself and your children. Good luck!! |
| posted by Kris on 02/09/2009 08:24 AM
|
|
|
|
|
| Being a single mom is the hardest job you can imagine, so I would say no. I was completely alone w/ my daughter until a week and a half ago (Let my ex move in decided to try & work things out). I believe Kelly is right. Sounds like ur hubby is trying to help, but doesnt want to step on mommy's toes. If you think you're doing everything now, trust me, you're not. I dont care how little your hubby does, some help is some help. My daughter's dad will question things to the point where I feel like saying "never mind, I'll just do it my self" but I let him so he will learn. I hate using the term "train" but Kelly's right. Oh and yes, I praise him like a 2 year old for ish I do day in and day out. But if that's all I have to do to get some help, it's sooo well worth it. If asking isn't helping, then you have to start taking charge. I dont mean yelling at him dictating what to do. Just get smart about it. "Sweetie pie, do you want to watch the baby or do the laundry?" Make him feel like he's the man & ur letting him choose. |
| posted by April on 02/09/2009 04:02 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| i didn't read the other comments either, but honestly, i think it is difficult. my friend is married and had a baby but her husband still doesn't like to feed the baby and stuff like that and sometimes it's hard. i am lucky that i have a wonderful, helpful husband, but i know that my friend really said it took a lot of time and effort and communication to work things out. she says things are still not ideal but he helps out a lot more than he used to and her daughter is 2. so...good luck! |
| posted by Lalitha on 02/09/2009 04:31 PM
|
|
|
|
|
| No, being a single mom is not worth it in this situation. Your fiance seems like he is trying to help, but may not know how. Therefore, be patience when he does help because he seems to be trying. As Kelly said, positive reinforcement works well. Good luck!! |
| posted by Monica on 02/11/2009 03:40 PM
|
|
|
|
|
I know with my boyfriend he didn't help at all because he was afraid of doing it the wrong way. He never wanted children and his ex-wife was VERY critical of him so I expected he would be hands off. I gave him a lot of space and answered every question with patience and clarity and now he does a lot. There is also an inferiority complex. He didn't think he could do things as good as me so he didn't even try at first. I just started praising him through her. Example: when I rinse her hair off in the tub she screams because the water gets in her eyes. One time as I was washing her hair he came in the bathroom to play with her and I asked him to put his hand over her eyes while I rinsed the shampoo out. He has such big hands that the water never got in her eyes and she didn't cry. I said, "Thank you daddy. You're much better at that than mommy is. I always cry when she does it." You know, as if she were saying it. Well, he ALWAYS helps with her baths now. Most of the time the only thing I do is wrap her up in a towel when she is done. He has since told me that he loves giving her a bath. He enjoys the time with her.
Be patient. It's hard to be woman but also a privilege. Good luck to you. I hope it works out. |
| posted by Christina on 02/11/2009 09:56 PM
|
|
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
|
| |  |
| |
|
|
|
