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It sounds like maybe he is feeling unsure of himself as a capable father. Even though he cared for her in the beginning, maybe after a while he started to feel like he wasn't doing a good job. Reassure him that he is a good father and tell him you need his help.
Another possibility is he feels he is intruding between you and your daughter. New mothers are very wrapped up in the care of their babies and he may feel he is coming between you. Let him know that it is important to you that he is involved in her care, then leave him alone with her while you take a bath or a nap. That way he will have time with her and you will have time to yourself.
Give him time, he will come around. |
| posted by Marcia on 06/22/2007 06:15 PM
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| I had the same problem. Part of the problem is most men are physical. When my husband got home from work at night he wanted to interact with our daughter (now 5 months) so he would jiggle her around playing air drums or some other guy activity. Hence, our daughter would end up crying and he would give her back to me as quickly as possible. As a result I created a couple of physical 'dad' activities that benefited both of them. First I designated bath time as dad's job. It is a great job for him because it is so soothing to the baby (getting her out of the bath/shower is another story.) Second, I enrolled my husband in a ‘baby massage class’ that we now have worked into part of her bedtime routine. Currently, I have them enrolled in a ‘Baby and Me’ swim class. For us it wasn’t that my husband didn’t want to interact with her… he just didn’t know how. |
| posted by Christina on 06/22/2007 06:47 PM
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| There could also be jealousy. He's used to have your undivided attention. My husband and I went through a bit of this and developmentally its completely normal. You may want to let him know that as much as you love your daughter, you miss him! He may need to hear that. |
| posted by Jen on 06/22/2007 07:17 PM
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| I totally agree with what Christina said. I went through the same thing with my husband. At first in the hospital he wouldn't put our son down. When we got home my husband was home that first week and pitched in alot. Once he went back to work and was out of the hourly feedings/diaper changes he became reserved around me and our son. I know part of it was him being tired but he also confessed that he didn't know where he fit in anymore. Our son is now 14 months old and needless to say we got over this hurtle. Just reassure your husband that this parenting thing is a team effort. You and your husband were a team before baby and you need to be a stronger team after baby!!! Good Luck!!!! |
| posted by Denise on 06/22/2007 07:59 PM
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| Hey Amanda! Congratulations on your new little one! I had a c-section too and I know what it's like to have to transition the caring after you get all healed up enough to take over. My husband communicated to me during that time a concern that he wasn't as needed and confusion as to how he "fits in" to the caretaking now. Before, I needed him because of all the healing and stuff I was doing. Then, it seemed like he didn't have a role to play. So, I'd suggest talking it over with him and just share your heart and concern...your desire for him to be active and how excited and encouraged you were in the beginning. See what he says and what you two can negotiate together so he still feels involved and that he's taking care of the two of you like it seems he's so capable of doing. |
| posted by Kelly on 06/23/2007 10:51 PM
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| Hey Amanda! Congratulations on your new little one! I had a c-section too and I know what it's like to have to transition the caring after you get all healed up enough to take over. My husband communicated to me during that time a concern that he wasn't as needed and confusion as to how he "fits in" to the caretaking now. Before, I needed him because of all the healing and stuff I was doing. Then, it seemed like he didn't have a role to play. So, I'd suggest talking it over with him and just share your heart and concern...your desire for him to be active and how excited and encouraged you were in the beginning. See what he says and what you two can negotiate together so he still feels involved and that he's taking care of the two of you like it seems he's so capable of doing. |
| posted by Kelly on 06/23/2007 10:51 PM
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Yes congrats on having Katie, I know what it is like to have a C-section. It takes a while to heal up. My hubby was great he helped me out a lot in the beginning. I wasn't one of the lucky ones I didn't have any one to help me for 2 weeks after my C-section I had to wing it all by myself I mean my hubby would help when he was home, but he works 7 days a week 2-10,not getting home till 11pm, he got the whole day off the day of induction, but sraight to work the next day.When we got home about a total of 3 times that week I had friends and family come by for a short time. It was hard I was still hurting. after he saw I was starting to feel a little better or actually I had to make my self for the sake of our son he started to do the same not hold Malik as much as he did. I kept reminding him I don't want Malik to be scared of you, because he is with me constantly and you don't hold him much so I want you to start holding him more and spending at least an 1 with him when you come home and before you go to work, that give me a break too. It took about 4 days of reminding him of that, now for 5 &1/2 months he has been doing that and it has been great. |
| posted by Amber on 06/24/2007 11:18 AM
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| sry 1hr before work and the 1hr when he comes home. |
| posted by Amber on 06/24/2007 11:21 AM
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Amanda,
Are you breastfeeding??? I did find that because I breastfeed (especially in the first few months), my husband didn't do much, because I was literally feeding the baby 6-8 hrs out of the day. Now, I am still breastfeeding, but it is so much quicker as he got older. Hopefully your husband will enjoy your little one as she gets older and develops her personality and is more mobile...
Lisa |
| posted by Lisa on 06/24/2007 11:22 PM
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Hi!
I had the same problem, actually still having it. He was great at the hospital, i had a c section too..so he did everything, but once we ot home, it is like she doesnt even exist... except for an occasional hello.... He says it is cause she cries all te htime, she only wants mommy, but i say that is cause she deoesnt know him...I hope once she gets older he will change... |
| posted by Michelle on 06/25/2007 09:59 AM
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| I had some of the same problems. After my son was born, my husband didn't do much to help out. Not because he didn't want to, but because he didn't know how. I would suggest asking your husband to do things around the house to lighten your load, and then easing him into the baby-care stuff. |
| posted by Allison on 06/25/2007 03:17 PM
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| Thank you all so much for your replies! I think michelle hit the nail on the head, that is exaclty what my husband is doing. He says he's just tired all the time, and i know he is becuase he works 9 or 10 hrs a day. And yes she does cry with him a lot but i think that is becuase he doesn't spend enough time with her. I worry so much when i leave him with her because i know he'll just let her cry it out until she falls asleep, and at 9 weeks i think thats a little young to be letting them CIO. Hopefully there will be light at the end of the tunnel tho when she starts crawling |
| posted by Amanda on 06/25/2007 03:20 PM
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| Same here, i wont leave her with him cause he'll just put her in the swing till she cries herself to sleep...my mind feels better to just drag her with me...once shes walking talking he'll have to deal :) lol She'll be in his face! |
| posted by Michelle on 06/25/2007 03:41 PM
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I must say that I has a similar problem but we all know men and how sensitivy they can be!! I would explain something to my husband and he would jsut hand the baby over. When I asked why he was not involved as much he said that I do a better job and he can tell by the way that "I always correct" him. I tried to be more sugar coated when I would explain something to him and it just got better.
Men also do not realize that babies feel tension! |
| posted by Lucia on 06/26/2007 10:46 PM
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Hi Amanda,
I also had a c-section with my son. My husband and I were married over 8 years before we had him. He was great at the hospital and the first two weeks at home. He doesn't do very well without sleep, so I took care of my son every night on my own. My husband also worked long hours during his first two months and he also worked Saturdays. He would come home late and he wouldn't want to hold the baby. He said he was tired and needed a break. I would tell him that I needed a break and he needs to spend time with his son. Things eventually got better as my son got older. I try to leave my son with my husband alone a few times, so they can bond. My husband is also the type of person who will let the baby cry and not pick him up or soothe him. However, I knew that they need to learn to be with each other without me being around. Now that my son is almost 5-months old, my husband helps a lot more. My son is not as fussy anymore and he likes to play and talk. I think now that he's able to bond a lot better because he can see our son responding to him. He'll feed him, bathe him, and watch him when I work. You just need to let your husband now that you know that he's capable of taking care of your daughter. Then, give him the opportunity to show it. You will be surprised on how well your husband will do. Good luck!! |
| posted by Monique on 06/28/2007 01:49 PM
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| Wow hear I thought that my husband and I were the only ones going through stuff like this but I was WRONG. I know that for my husband it is because our son doesn't do anything yet. I am sure that once our baby gets older and is moving around he will play with him more. I think woman just have that loving touch for infants and men don't really know what to do with them. I talked to my husband about it and while he was angry when I said I needed more help and he disagreed it seemed to work at least for now. So hang in there and make sure you have open communication. |
| posted by Deanne on 06/28/2007 08:12 PM
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| No one knows your husband better than you do. I think men are just like babies at times. They really can't express themselves, and they pout when they don't get the attention they want. That was my issue. I had to make sure that I gave enough attention to the man I loved. However, I had to be told. It took a few times of me asking, "Sweetie, what is wrong?" When he finally told me that he felt like he was out of the picture, I explained that since this is our first baby, I'm going want to jump in or hold my hands out when he is crying. Those around me kept saying, let him take care of it because I was still healing from my c-section. I had to let him step up and let him know how much I appreciate everything he does. I especially had issues when the baby and I slept in our recliner for about a month and my sweetie was sleeping alone in our bed. He told me he felt lonely and he missed me. So with his help, and a lot of patience, we would sleep when the baby slept and spent time together. When the baby cried, he picked him up, talked to him through the screams, and then he helped me breast feed. I thought that was really cool, and soon after the baby didn't cry as much when he was being held by his daddy. I think he viewed him as the transporter to the food. Babies are going to fuss, no matter what, and sometimes even mom who has done everything, from feeding him, burping, changing diapers, has to try another alternative. Let daddy be that alternative. Remind him he is needed in every way. |
| posted by Kendall on 06/29/2007 09:12 PM
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| I think my husband is finally getting the big picture. And that picture is that it is no longer just me and him. It's taken a lot of talking but i think he finally understands. today our day care was closed so he took the day off while i went to work. I told him it was his sole responsability today, (even getting up with her at 5 am so that i could sleep in a little bit) He couldn't wait to hand her off to me when i got home at 630 but he told me he understands what i go through on my days off when he isn't home. And he agreed to help me more with the baby. Not so much the house work though because well he is a man and he still cleans like one! Thank you all so much for your replies and advice! |
| posted by Amanda on 06/29/2007 10:14 PM
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Like Deanne said, i thought i was the only one going through this.LOL Same thing here with the c-section and hubby helping out. but once i was able to move around he was around less and less. What i wind up coming up with is that we take turns reading a book and putting our little girl to bed. and get up in the morning with her. The person who isnt putting her to bed cleans the bottles and prepares for the next day. (that was then, now its the sippy cups) In the morning you got to sleep in =) it was a way for me to get a break! but then i realized it made him bond with her!! We also take turns giving her a bath.
there still is stuff that he does or doesnt do but i guess i have to be happy with what i got.. LOL
My husband never did say that he didnt feel unwanted or that he didnt know where he fit in. although he really doesnt say much any ways. i wonder if thats what he was/is feeling. Im glad i read this post =) |
| posted by Christina on 06/29/2007 10:57 PM
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| I have to remember that my way isn't the only right way. It's just my way. My husbands way of doing things is his way. And our children NEED their dads to do things their way. They need to learn each other. It's hard, but we need to go away sometimes and take our hands off, relinquish control and get out of their way so that our husbands and babies can learn each other! As long as our men aren't hurting them, we can trust that they'll do just fine. Babies know that mom is nurturing and that dad is kind of wild and dangerously exciting when around them. It's how it's supposed to be. I have to constantly remind myself to keep the communication open and be creative with suggestions without criticizing or judging how my husband interacts with our son. They have their own relationship that has nothing to do with me...and this is a very good healthy thing. |
| posted by Kelly on 06/30/2007 03:08 PM
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| A few of us on this website have been reading a new book called "Blindsided by a Diaper" and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is a new parent. It is a series of essays from different parent's perspectives about the changes they experienced in their relationships after having a baby and it was really really great to read. My husband is going to read it too--what is nice about it is that it helps you to feel like your experiences are not isolated incidents. Just a friendly suggestion--it's such a significant, amazing experience that involves a lot of changes and emotions. Be patient my dear, you will work it out. :) |
| posted by Briana on 07/01/2007 10:58 AM
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